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Should I seek divorce? (Updated)


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I am married to a woman who has always been very distant emotionally. She never shows love! She almost always denies marital sex. She is in love with her job and her friends. But she is very distant to me. I am chronically unemployed and I think she lost respect for me long ago. This all is nothing knew. It's been going on for years. Should I look into a divorce? She will never change.

 

As for my unemployment, I am not a alcoholic or drug addict. I do not have a criminal record and I am educated. I am happy to also say I am healthy. My unemployment must have something to do with my upbringing.

 

But just when I think things are changing for my wife and me I see they are not. She does not pay attention to me or show me any love.

 

I can't go on like this!

 

Oh yeah, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO PAY FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING.

She is totally indifferent towards me.

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I am married to a woman who has always been very distant emotionally. She never shows love! She almost always denies marital sex. She is in love with her job and her friends. But she is very distant to me. I am chronically unemployed and I think she lost respect for me long ago. This all is nothing knew. It's been going on for years. Should I look into a divorce? She will never change.

 

As for my unemployment, I am not a alcoholic or drug addict. I do not have a criminal record and I am educated. I am happy to also say I am healthy. My unemployment must have something to do with my upbringing.

 

But just when I think things are changing for my wife and me I see they are not. She does not pay attention to me or show me any love.

 

I can't go on like this!

 

Oh yeah, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO PAY FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING.

She is totally indifferent towards me.

 

Get a job and get out.

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bwright42tx
I am married to a woman who has always been very distant emotionally. She never shows love! She almost always denies marital sex. She is in love with her job and her friends. But she is very distant to me. I am chronically unemployed and I think she lost respect for me long ago. This all is nothing knew. It's been going on for years. Should I look into a divorce? She will never change.

 

As for my unemployment, I am not a alcoholic or drug addict. I do not have a criminal record and I am educated. I am happy to also say I am healthy. My unemployment must have something to do with my upbringing.

 

But just when I think things are changing for my wife and me I see they are not. She does not pay attention to me or show me any love.

 

I can't go on like this!

 

Oh yeah, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO PAY FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING.

She is totally indifferent towards me.

 

It sounds like you have already figured out the problem, she has lost respect for you.

 

Figure out what you need to do to gain that respect back or move on.

 

How long have you been unemployed? Why are you having difficulty finding employment? If it's not financial resources, what of value do you contribute to the relationship? Do you have any children?

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I am married to a woman who has always been very distant emotionally. She never shows love! She almost always denies marital sex. She is in love with her job and her friends. But she is very distant to me. I am chronically unemployed and I think she lost respect for me long ago. This all is nothing knew. It's been going on for years. Should I look into a divorce? She will never change.

 

As for my unemployment, I am not a alcoholic or drug addict. I do not have a criminal record and I am educated. I am happy to also say I am healthy. My unemployment must have something to do with my upbringing.

 

But just when I think things are changing for my wife and me I see they are not. She does not pay attention to me or show me any love.

 

I can't go on like this!

 

Oh yeah, SHE DOES NOT WANT TO PAY FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING.

She is totally indifferent towards me.

 

 

 

Chronic unemployment will make any woman lose respect and desire for a man. Since you state your unemployment isn't due to addiction, criminality or lack of education, that leaves laziness or mental illness. both of which are also desire killers.

 

 

Get off the couch and get a job. It may not make your wife respect or desire you, but if you do end up divorce it will make huge strides in attracting another woman.

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  • 4 months later...
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I can't believe it. I wanted to post the same message today on a forum. I AM IN THE EXACT SAME BOAT!!! I forgot everything I posted here until I found this post. It's the exactly same thing. I realize nothing will ever change between us. EVER!!! I know I have to find work. But no one will hire me. I suppose my work problem might be do to some sort of mental learning disability. I have to address this. I am convinced my wife does not have feelings for me. I doubt she ever will, even if I have a job.

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Sounds to me that you should resolve your own employment issues first, before making a decision about divorce.

 

Many many men and women struggle with work and self-sufficiency but focus on their dissatisfaction with their spouse and marriage first, or maybe to decrease the pressure of their own internal issue and shift it to the marriage. Married or divorced, you will have to address that issue for yourself.

 

Frankly, and most practically, it will be easier to address your own work issue while you’re still married and have the financial safety net your wife provides to rely upon. For that matter, who knows how your marriage, you and your wife could change if you take on the herculean task and conquer it? There is no predicting, but there is also no doubt that not being able to stay employed is a massive elephant in the living room affecting everything else.

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Sounds to me that you should resolve your own employment issues first, before making a decision about divorce.

 

Many many men and women struggle with work and self-sufficiency but focus on their dissatisfaction with their spouse and marriage first, or maybe to decrease the pressure of their own internal issue and shift it to the marriage. Married or divorced, you will have to address that issue for yourself.

 

Frankly, and most practically, it will be easier to address your own work issue while you’re still married and have the financial safety net your wife provides to rely upon. For that matter, who knows how your marriage, you and your wife could change if you take on the herculean task and conquer it? There is no predicting, but there is also no doubt that not being able to stay employed is a massive elephant in the living room affecting everything else.

Thank you BlueIris!!! I have had this told to me time and time again. But I have never had it told to me in such a clear minded, nonjudgmental way! I truly appreciate you speaking the truth to me. For some reason it really hit deep in my soul this time. I mean that! Thank you so much! You are 100% right. I have to get my career back on track before I decide on anything. But at 5# I wonder how hard it will be?

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Hard. It will be hard.

 

I guess a lot depends upon your perspective as you go about it. It won't be less hard, but it could be more engaging and inspiring to view it as your Mount Everest. Heaven knows we all have our Mount Everests that test us, and they can make life a great ride.

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Let me ask you. Is a wife's refusal to have a sexual relationship with her husband grounds for divorce?

 

Most (all? I think all...) US states are no-fault. You can divorce for any reason you like- no sex, cheating, lying, nastiness, or even whether she gained or lost weight, buzz-cut her hair, or blasts Osmond Brothers music 24/7.

 

Divorced or married, you still have a problem to address within yourself. (I assume we all have our own stuff- forever- so I'm not singling you out.) You can overcome that problem, or take it on with a dedication and intensity that will fully engage you whether you're married or divorced.

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Let me ask you. Is a wife's refusal to have a sexual relationship with her husband grounds for divorce?

 

ANYTHING is grounds for divorce. If you want to be divorced, you don't have to justify it to anyone else.

 

But divorcing doesn't solve your problem. It just creates MORE problems for you. Right now, you aren't getting sex, but you have a home, security, electricity, and obviously internet access.

 

If you divorce, you still won't be getting sex, and you will have nowhere to live and no money to live on.

 

You need to address your employment FIRST. Before you worry about your marriage.

 

What are your passions? What do you do with your time? Is there a way to make money doing what you love to do? Do you have

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Most (all? I think all...) US states are no-fault. You can divorce for any reason you like- no sex, cheating, lying, nastiness, or even whether she gained or lost weight, buzz-cut her hair, or blasts Osmond Brothers music 24/7.

 

Divorced or married, you still have a problem to address within yourself. (I assume we all have our own stuff- forever- so I'm not singling you out.) You can overcome that problem, or take it on with a dedication and intensity that will fully engage you whether you're married or divorced.

 

And like you said, fixing the problem when I'm marred makes more sense then fixing it if I am divorced.

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ANYTHING is grounds for divorce. If you want to be divorced, you don't have to justify it to anyone else.

 

But divorcing doesn't solve your problem. It just creates MORE problems for you. Right now, you aren't getting sex, but you have a home, security, electricity, and obviously internet access.

 

If you divorce, you still won't be getting sex, and you will have nowhere to live and no money to live on.

 

You need to address your employment FIRST. Before you worry about your marriage.

 

What are your passions? What do you do with your time? Is there a way to make money doing what you love to do? Do you have

I have tried to make money with what I do and my passions. It's a failing cause. I am really lost. I guess it can turn around with a change of my attitude. But a change of my attitude doesn't compensate for my lack of intelligence. And I'm afraid I am not the smartest guy there is.

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If you apply to any and all job postings you're likely to get an offer.

 

Spend every day sending out at least 50 resumes. By the end of a week you should have a couple offers and can choose one.

 

It makes me think you aren't putting EFFORT into finding a job. ANY job is better than no job. Start somewhere!

 

The amount of interest/offers you will get is directly related to effort you spend looking for a job and following up on companies you've sent out your resume to.

 

It's up to you to take action!

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If you apply to any and all job postings you're likely to get an offer.

 

Spend every day sending out at least 50 resumes. By the end of a week you should have a couple offers and can choose one.

 

It makes me think you aren't putting EFFORT into finding a job. ANY job is better than no job. Start somewhere!

 

The amount of interest/offers you will get is directly related to effort you spend looking for a job and following up on companies you've sent out your resume to.

 

It's up to you to take action!

 

It's people like you who pore salt all over my bleeding wounds! Send out 50 resumes? How about 100 resumes or 200 resumes! How the hell do you know how many resumes I sent out there and for how long? Bound to get an offer??? I don 't think so. You have no idea what I have been through so please don't comment on this again. Shhess

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I wasn't judging you - just was thinking that if you get to working then your marriage might get happier.

 

How many job do you apply to each day?

 

What area do you live in?

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I wasn't judging you - just was thinking that if you get to working then your marriage might get happier.

 

How many job do you apply to each day?

 

What area do you live in?

 

Please leave me alone and don't respond to any of my posts. I know your kind. Thank you.

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evanescentworld

Actually, 2sunny has a point.... I'm sorry, but reading your different posts, you have sadly developped a very self-defeating attitude. Go to Counselling for yourself, to help you build your self-esteem, and gather the strength you need to actively change your life. I realise you may have complaints, but venting them, yet believing you are powerless to do anything about them, will destroy your self-respect.

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I can't believe it. I wanted to post the same message today on a forum. I AM IN THE EXACT SAME BOAT!!! I forgot everything I posted here until I found this post. It's the exactly same thing.

 

You realize you posted the first message too, right?

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evanescentworld
You realize you posted the first message too, right?

It seems that xyz is not him...

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I have tried to make money with what I do and my passions. It's a failing cause. I am really lost. I guess it can turn around with a change of my attitude. But a change of my attitude doesn't compensate for my lack of intelligence. And I'm afraid I am not the smartest guy there is.

 

I wasn't judging you - just was thinking that if you get to working then your marriage might get happier.

 

How many job do you apply to each day?

 

What area do you live in?

 

I'm with 2Sunny on this. Just work. Work itself is life-changing. Smart isn’t all that important, but steady and reliable are. I understand how life-draining, isolating, and pressured unemployment can be. I bet lots of people here understand.

 

I went through it from October 2008 through March 2010 and got so depressed and desperate. I lost a relationship (engaged and living with a person who was very successful, which only highlighted my feeling like a failure) and ended the drought only after my 50, 100, 200 resumes had gone out to crickets. I blamed my S.O., myself, the universe, my age, Wall Street and the banks. Would have blamed more if I could have. I was 50 and starting over, with no safety net other than what was left of my savings (and asking family- ugh). It was very embarrassing. In March 2010, I finally went to a disreputable company in a field only remotely related to my (previous) field and asked for any job they’d give me- high, low, full time, part time, any hours they had. I told them, completely sincerely, that I wanted to work for them, that I would be reliable and that I’d give them the best I could every day. They went through employees so fast, I was pretty sure they’d have an opening. They hired me for low pay and in a position far below what I’d had before- so low I didn’t even know how to do it and I was working with people in their early 20’s. (Yes, I did not know how to operate a copy machine or postage meter. There’s no way you’re worse off than that!) But I had a job, M-F, 8-5, and I learned. I got up every day to my alarm, got dressed, commuted in and worked, battling my ego and pissy whiny attitude every day, all of which was pure gold. I still get choked up that they were gracious enough to hire me and pay me to work for them. And sure enough, doing it every day for a year without fail shifted everything. You can do this.

 

I can’t say how it will shift you, but I am confident that it will. Do it every day like clockwork and try to do even the simplest job well. Don’t ask more than that of yourself, but also don’t underestimate how big that is in itself. Anybody who doesn’t get it or looks down on you can jump in the river. Plus, you’ve got nothing to lose. Married or divorced, I think it’s the way to go.

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Yeah I have to agree, I don't think 2Sunny was saying anything mean or even boundary crossing. No one knows what you are doing so if you are doing that or more then just state it.

 

Why don't you do individual counseling? If you have insurance it should be covered and you don't need your wife to participate in that for you to.

 

You can't control the actions of others just your own. Trying to turn over every rock will usually, just based on statistics, result in some sort of return on investment.

 

Regardless of what you need to do for your marriage, you have to focus on yourself and helping yourself before you can either invest more in the marriage or divorce. As unhappy as you are with it, there are pluses and nice security bubble right now that is going to allow you more flexibility to focus on your needs right now.

 

Go to counseling, work on you, an then see what you need to do with your wife. Just being able to conquer your demons and showing that you are actively investing in life may change your wife's viewpoint of you or change yours towards your wife. Either way it is a healthy state of mind for you both.

 

Wishing you the best.

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