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Separated Wife needs space to think ? ?


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Hello

 

Been separated for 7 weeks now . Married 25 years

 

The first 5 weeks I hounded and begged her to come back with texts , phone calls and turning up to where she was . This done her head in and made her annoyed

 

During these 5 weeks she has been saying that her decision is made and she will not change her mind

 

I have had NC with her for nearly 2 weeks now

 

My daughter tells me she is moving out of where she is staying as the house is too small . Her friends house with kids etc. She says that she has no time to think at her friends house as she is never alone with all the family there ? and she is going to live in the Sergeants Mess accommodation where she works as a civilian on an Army base in the next few weeks

 

Yesterday she told my daughter......... that she needs her own space , that's why she is moving onto the base , her own space to think . She said she hasn't totally dismissed the idea of coming home , but told my daughter for me " not to not raise my hopes " ?

 

Daughter said Dad is like a new man and wouldn't change back to the person that you left........... reply was " I just need time to think "

 

She is a decent woman and My daughter swears that there is no one else

 

Wife age 49 . daughter 26

 

Any insight please as what this means and what is happening ?

 

Many Thanks to you all

Edited by UK Man
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FredJones80

Ouch, I feel your pain, I'm struggling with a 10 year relationship ending, not married and no kids so I can only imagine how you're feeling.

 

How strange this all is that things come to this point when you didn't even see it coming - I know I didn't! Perhaps if people communicated in the first place before bottling everything up for weeks, months and years then something could be resolved before it gets to this drastic point.

 

My ex wanted space, it was my last ditch hope, gave her a week, said she needed more, I asked how much, she said "as much as it takes" - I wasn't prepared to wait and my result, its over.

 

If I'm honest space just leads to the end, but not everyone is me...

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I Don't want to think this .

 

She said " she needs space to think " , not just space , does this make a difference

 

It also came after 5 / 6 weeks of her " decision is made and she won't change her mind " . does this make a difference ?

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FredJones80
does this make a difference ?

 

I wish I had the answer for you UK Man :( If you think there is hope then keep on keeping on until you hear different. 25 years is a long time to throw away, maybe she is just having a bit of a mid life crisis and wondering if there is something better out there?

 

Its all guess work, only she will know her feelings.

 

Keep your head up, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

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I wish I had the answer for you UK Man :( If you think there is hope then keep on keeping on until you hear different. 25 years is a long time to throw away, maybe she is just having a bit of a mid life crisis and wondering if there is something better out there?

 

Its all guess work, only she will know her feelings.

 

Keep your head up, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

 

 

Hi Fred

 

It's not the usual case of when you are living together and then she comes out with , I need space

 

We have been separated for 7 weeks . For nearly 6 of those weeks she is definate she didn't want to come back

 

Then a couple of days ago my daughter had a chat with her and my wife then said that she needs to move onto the army base to have her own space and time to think. but she did also say not to get your hopes up

 

Daughter also said he is not the man you left anymore , he is better , nicer and so considerate....... the wife just answered I need time to think

 

we have a family Christening in 7 weeks time. I am not going to contact her before then , hopefully she will let me know what she is feeling by then

 

My daughter sees her at least once a week . Even though my daughter never pressure's her , she does know if there's any change and lets me know

 

Do you think it would be ok if my daughter tells her once a week when she sees her that I sad " Hello " ?

 

I'm just hoping she doesn't like the space too much on the army base and enjoys the space and freedom ? we have a very nice house that we own and that i am living at by myself . we are financially secure and she would loose all this if she stayed away

 

She says she doesn't love me ( weeks ago ) so I cant understand how a woman would even think about coming back home to a man if she doesn't love him ? or does she love me a little bit ? driving me mad

 

But she isnt the type who would dangle a carrot in my face , leave it there for say 7 weeks and then take it away if she didn't really want to think . but then again she did say to not get your hopes up !

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FredJones80

I really don't know UK Man, unfortunately only she will know :(

 

If she really is undecided then you probably just have to leave her to her own devices, ie; try keep your mind busy and don't force anything. Its such a tough one and I really feel for you. I honestly don't think you can do anything about it now, your fate is in her hands.

 

You have to decide how long you're going to wait though, what if this went of for months, or years? At some point she needs to decide or you need to start the grief process.

 

I think in my situation my ex didn't want to hurt me but couldn't stay in a relationship she was unhappy in either. I'm now guessing she was probably unhappy for quite a bit and tried to work it out in her own hear without talking to me. Perhaps your wife doesn't want to hurt you either, but she can't keep you hanging on.

 

Such a shame :(

Edited by FredJones80
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It is a shame Fred

 

The house is up for sale as well . I dont think she is the kind of person who will take ages . I reckon a couple of months my self . Hopefully before the family christening . wouldnt that be nice if she came home before then . thanks for chatting mate

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FredJones80
It is a shame Fred

 

The house is up for sale as well . I dont think she is the kind of person who will take ages . I reckon a couple of months my self . Hopefully before the family christening . wouldnt that be nice if she came home before then . thanks for chatting mate

 

Any time UK Man, I wish I could answer your questions, you're actually helping me too so its nice to feel some pain with someone else :) Keep your chin up.

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roger136913

UK

 

She sounds like my wife of 24 years married. Been separated 6 weeks NC for 11 days.

She wants a divorce it's final, but maybe way in the future she said then said if it's meant to be it will be.

 

She talked in rhymes at the end.

 

But our past was a very rocky one.

 

I hear married 25 years then she left?

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UK

 

She sounds like my wife of 24 years married. Been separated 6 weeks NC for 11 days.

She wants a divorce it's final, but maybe way in the future she said then said if it's meant to be it will be.

 

She talked in rhymes at the end.

 

But our past was a very rocky one.

 

I hear married 25 years then she left?

 

Roger

 

After 6 weeks of her mind was made up , now she needs " space to think about things " living by herself after living with her friend up until now.

 

but she also added not to raise your hopes

 

christ sake what does that bloody mean

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Hi UK Man.

 

I am trying to think what I can write to help you.

 

And I truly hope that she returns to you, I really do.

 

But you have to now start to take stock of yourself.

 

I went down in to hell, and very much still there, and I don’t want that for you.

 

Really if I was you, I would go see a counsellor, because you need to start to prepare your self because she may not return.

 

I’m not saying your wife is like mine, but what came out trying to get her back was the very damaging.

 

They don’t leave for nothing. And you were probably not seeing the warnings before hand. They are not clear at all.

 

Please keep NC.

 

I begged for 8 months and it’s the most painful thing you can do, far more painful than NC.

 

I had the same comments, “Don’t raise your hope up” and more of the same.

 

Look UKman, this is not what you want to hear. I didn’t.

 

You will be search on google for anything to make sense of it.

 

You will be talking to her friends, joint friends any one who will influence her.

 

In a nut shell you are in panic mode.

 

And you are consumed by fear.

 

YOU can do nothing to get her back. Nothing at all (Please believe me on this)

 

It’s like quick sand, the more you struggle the worst it gets.

 

Believe me, she is not going to think that you have changed in 7 weeks.

 

What she has left (You) is been in the planning for a long time. They don’t just change their minds that quick.

 

What you can do is help you.

 

Prepair for the worst. Protect your self as best you can. Learn about how to control your thoughts which will run you ragged unless you do.There are books on this ie “The power of the now”

Talk Talk Talk to anyone who will hear you, and cry.

Crying and talking is the best you can do for the moment.

 

If she doesn’t return, you will be on a journey not of your making, but a journey non the less, and you need to prepare for it, because its hard.

 

 

 

Oh dear UKman, I hate to see you in this, I live in the UK as well, and SO don’t want this for you.

 

If it is any comfort at all, know that I truly feel for you,and will be thinking about you.

 

Please keep updating your post here. Read my post, there are a lot of good people whose comments helped me through the very dark months. It may help.

 

I hope and pray for what you want.

 

 

 

Tom

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Tom

 

Thanks for your post . It is very wise words indeed . you sound a very nice man

 

again thank you

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Movingforward2

UK,

 

Hang in there.....and go get some help. Go improve yourself. Leave her alone. It will be tough as hell, but you will get through it. I'm 10 months in, divorced, and now somewhat "back together" in a weird ass stage......but I left her alone and worked on myself.

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UK,

 

Hang in there.....and go get some help. Go improve yourself. Leave her alone. It will be tough as hell, but you will get through it. I'm 10 months in, divorced, and now somewhat "back together" in a weird ass stage......but I left her alone and worked on myself.

 

Agreed. Definitely talk to a counselor. I was always skeptical about shrinks, and I suppose there are some bad ones, but a talented counselor who you can personally connect with is invaluable right now.

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roger136913
Roger

 

After 6 weeks of her mind was made up , now she needs " space to think about things " living by herself after living with her friend up until now.

 

but she also added not to raise your hopes

 

christ sake what does that bloody mean

 

UK man

 

I asked her after 4 weeks if it was over she said right now yes in the future who knows...

 

At our age what's the point of talking like that ..... If you want the ice cream before it melts you can't wait long..

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UK man, you must detach, implement the 180, unfortunately in most cases needing "space" it means "you are no longer a romantic interest for me and I want to try explore romance with other people" I heard that once from my own wife during a rough period that we had

and you know what my answer was ? with a Stoned cold face with no emotions :-

 

"Good for you!, You are an adult and free to make you own decisions I cannot hold you with me, and if you want to go you are free to go and do what you want, I, However will not sit and wait for you while you saw your oats and will immediately file for divorce, I will not spend my life waiting for you, I have my own oats to saw"

 

My wife quickly forgot about this idea, I know it sound counter intuitive but with all honesty if you ever want to have even a small chance of seeing her back you must be ready to let her go, don't live in limbo, it will kill every little shred of decency you may have left, after 26 years she decided to leave ? let her go, a woman that loves you does not up and leave so easy and it is in most cases planned well a head of time, I suggest go speak with a solicitor and file, in many cases the shock of the reality of the divorce papers get them to wake up from the silly behavior if she wakes up and comes back you win you marriage back if she does not, than at least you did not live in misery as her plan B

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