CaliforniaGirl Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I'm sure this must be a question that's asked on these forums once in a while. Honestly, I'm tired, beaten up (psychologically) (so to speak, anyway) and I am just going to post my own thread. I want to leave my husband. He is the majority of the household support. I only make a few hundred dollars a month (from home). I had to give up my career when it was determined that our older son had (has) autism and was going to need continuous therapies. I currently do not have a job. Obviously, leaving my husband would entail me looking for a job. I have looked off and on the past few years and the amounts I have been offered have been paltry ($10-12-ish/hour, v. previously making $45K/year 11 years ago). For the time that my children would be out of school, my daycare would cost more than that and that would even be without taking taxes out. But I will have to deal with that somehow I guess...losing money but...? What can I do? At least I'd be making something during the hours they were in school? God, I don't even know, this is all such a mess. Anyway, right now, obviously, I have no funds behind me to leave, nor would I know where to go with my two children. Any advice from anyone? How do other people do this when they are not the primary money earners and have no hope of making enough money to actually support their children? Would love any advice - as well as where to start. Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 First of all.....(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Secondly, do you have family or friends to turn to? Have you considered a shelter for women in need? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thank you, honey, for the virtual hug. No, I am 2800 miles away from my family. This is my husband's territory, my husband's comfort zone, my husband's zooming career. He holds the cards and I'm alone out here. We are not actually being abused so I would not want to consider a women's shelter just yet. I want to make this as painless on my children as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Just do what my XW did....move in with your parents and don't work for getting close to 4 years. Works for her! Wait...did I say work? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Just do what my XW did....move in with your parents and don't work for getting close to 4 years. Works for her! Wait...did I say work? I'm sorry you're feeling bitter, Ronald, and I don't know your situation so perhaps you have a right to be. As I just stated a few minutes ago, my family is all the way across the country and I DO want to work (and did my entire life until I had a child with special needs). Sorry for your situation. Your answer will not work for me, nor would I want it to. My parents are both dead, but even if they weren't, I would probably take up residence in a dumpster sooner than be a grown-up back at home with her parents. I'd want to die for the shame. Thanks for your answer, anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thank you, honey, for the virtual hug. No, I am 2800 miles away from my family. This is my husband's territory, my husband's comfort zone, my husband's zooming career. He holds the cards and I'm alone out here. We are not actually being abused so I would not want to consider a women's shelter just yet. I want to make this as painless on my children as possible. In all seriousness... You will probably receive child support, even if you end up with 50/50 physical custody. Probably not a bad move to see if you can get a job lined up right away. $400/wk is a lot better than $200/mo. If you can stay somewhere and get some money saved up, that will help out. Also, it's unlikely that the courts will let you move your kids 2800 miles away without your H's consent, so plan on being in CA. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thanks to both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 You should save up enough money so that you can leave comfortably. Does your son get SS Disability for his autism? If not speak to his doctor to see if they will sign him on to that. That could help with some of his ongoing therapy but I'd be hesitant to leave knowing that your child has special needs. You obviously don't want to use your child's money toward paying your electric bill. I'm not sure why you want to leave your husband. He isn't abusive and after that you really don't give much of a reason. So without any other information I'm thinking your marriage might be one of those where both parents stay for the children. Otherwise separating may be the most selfish thing either one of you could do. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Maybe the OP can elaborate on the "why". Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Maybe the OP can elaborate on the "why". Yea without that it sounds like a really bad move on her part. She wants to make this easy on her children but if that were the truth she'd try to make her current home life easier on them too. Instead she hasn't said anything about what she's done and what they've tried to make their marriage work or give a reason why it's in her children's' best interest to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 in some situations leaving the marital home drops your chances of having it as a home ever again look, talk to a good lawyer, get the picture from a pro, your husband might get nasty/funny, so be careful then Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Well, I can see people want the dirt so I'll just give the quick facts, although for me it is not dirt or something interesting to read on the internet - it is my life and my children's lives. But the semi-accusatory and semi-judgmental tone behooves me, so hopefully this will satisfy, sigh. I really just wanted some direct answers from anyone willing to give them but here goes. My husband is horribly emotionally abusive to me and has been for years. He weighs 255 lbs. (at 5'9") but started calling me "fat" when I was pregnant and had gained just 15 lbs. at that point (putting me at 130 lbs. at that time). Since then, he pulls out "fat" often (again, very ironically). He seems to feel that the woman should stay pretty even if the man loses it physically, or...I'm not sure. Once or twice he has said "that's all I have against you and it hurts you" so maybe that's why. He has not helped at all with my children, particularly my autistic and mentally handicapped son (our older son together). He has ALWAYS let me go that alone, 100%. He doesn't leave for work until 9:00-9:30 AM - he is allowed to stagger his hours - yet he has never helped with the children in the morning or even gotten up to say "good morning" to them. I asked him ONE TIME, yes, one time in nine years to drive the children to school for me - I can't remember why, I think I had an appointment. He threw the most gigantic temper tantrum, slamming all over the place to ensure that I would NEVER ask again, not even once - and I haven't. By the way, the school is on the way to work. Literally. It is one block away from the route he typically takes. He loves to make fun of and humiliate me in front of family and friends under the guise of "being funny." He will comment on how I suck up food like a vacuum cleaner or whatnot and the entire table laughs and I just want to die. His other favorite way to make fun of me when we're alone and when we're with others is to comment on how stupid I am in various ways, how dim, how "careless," he'll make a wide-eyed slack-jawed face and loll his head all around to imitate me. He also sincerely hates our older son for being mentally handicapped and will mimic him in a (forgive me for the word) "duh" or ugh..."retard" kind of voice. My son also can't always assimilate sounds in speech and will ask "what?" a lot and then my husband SCREAMS at him in a screaming "stupid person/delayed person" voice to answer him and then smirk. I am apparently too disgusting to have sex with, so he will openly buy multiple bottles of lubricant, leave them all over the counter, and when he goes to masturbate because it's much preferable to sleeping with me, he will openly just grab for the lube and off he goes to the bathroom. Now we're fighting more openly after all these years and the children have heard several times and I know it is damaging them, which kills me. He feels he has me trapped in this situation and has told me "I will take the children away from you and I will destroy you, there will be nothing of you left" if I say I'm going to leave. Hope this is all terrible enough for all of you to "allow" me that I might want to leave this man. I mean really, I appreciate the input so far but the accusatory tone was unwarranted. There is more than this, much, much, much more but it hurts me so much to write it that I just can't bear to keep going with it...plus I don't have any desire to fulfill people's need for delicious dirt so, that's about all I'll say for now. I'm not mad, just a bit put off, but again, I do appreciate the input in general. Edited April 21, 2014 by CaliforniaGirl 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 On the weekends now and when he finally gets home from work at night (when I have gotten everything done for the children already) I escape to my room and read. On weekends I will escape to try to FORCE him to take the children somewhere and play with him...so now he says I'm "never there" and "never pay attention to the children" (facepalm). I also am losing it, REALLY losing it. I was screaming hysterically at him last night, I had tried to watch one show, ONE show I had been waiting a month to see. The TV is never mine, that's for the kids, nothing is ever mine, it is all 100% for the kids because they have special needs and I wanted this one thing...the kids would not leave me alone for those just 60 minutes and my husband would not do a thing about it, would not play with them, etc. (I had just gotten done playing Angry Birds Star Wars, sort of a lego kind of game where you have to knock down the "pig" - I mean an on the floor game with game pieces) - I lost it, I was yelling, telling my husband "I can't do this all alone any more...I can't...I just can't...please PLEASE PLEASE why can't you help me" and I was screaming that I wanted to run away. I lost it. My children CAN NOT see and hear this, they can't. I am turning into an absolute freak, - HIDING in the bedroom whenever I can catch a break and hiding from my husband...I want to FORCE him to be a father...but instead he just resents it. He has this year started to take them out to the park or whatever on weekends so there's that. But anything between us? That is gone. But of course now I'm the crazy person who never pays attention to the children...SMH. I said "You see us when EVERYTHING IS DONE...NONE of which you had to do" but of course he knows this already...he doesn't want to be logical or see reality, he wants more to hold against me. Nope. No longer. It's killing me and turning me into something inhuman and it is hurting my kids...really really badly. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thank you for opening up Cali Girl. I'm sorry for sounding harsh or judgmental but without knowing the why I'm all about saving a marriage. It's how I'm wired. But he is VERY abusive. Everything you've described is abusive. It would definitely be in your children's and your best interest to leave this man. The very first thing that I recommend that you do is record his interactions with the children. Start documenting events in writing too. If he behaves a certain way write it down and if you can record him ridiculing your son that will help you down the road. You don't even need the visual, the audio works well too. I left a very abusive man and it took me quite a bit of time to make it happen but if you want it bad enough it'll come together quicker than you thought it could. Of course you're going to need a lawyer so start planning to save for one immediately but also make a phone call to a few. See if any of them will file the divorce and represent you with a minimum retainer and demand payment from your exH. Some will if he earns enough. But first gather your evidence. Get as much as you can and don't ever let him know you have it. That will help you feel a bit more powerful in all of this too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 ^ Thank you very much for the help and the kind words, amaysngrace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 ^ Thank you very much for the help and the kind words, amaysngrace. Sure. No problem. I know how you're feeling and it's definitely not a way you'd want to live for every day for the rest of your life. Especially when you have a choice. Sometimes they put you down so that you start to believe you're as bad as they tell you you are but I'm glad you didn't fall for that. It's a shame how many women do and don't think they could ever make it on their own. But you're feisty! Good for you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 As a general concept, half of the financial assets of the marriage will be yours as determined by the divorce laws of your area. Which means that you should in theory be entitled to roughly half the equity of your home if the court orders it's sale, half the bank accounts, investments etc accrued during the marriage and your husband will be obligated to provide child support and probably spousal support to support you and your children. Yes, you will likely need to seek outside employment to maintain a more desirable standard of living and the spousal support will likely have a time limit as will the child support. You will need to consult a family law attorney for specifics on what your options are and what you can expect to experience in a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 My advice remains essentially the same as that given a few years ago Get the ball rolling and the court will sort things out. They see stuff like this every day. IMO, keep mediation on the table at all times as it will save a ton on legal fees. The important thing is to take a first step. Where do you want to be a few years from now? We know where you are a few years after making that linked thread. You're still married. OK, now what? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 OP- Have you thought about contacting family and asking them to fly you and the kids out to them? Would they be willing to help you get on your feet? Why do you need to stay there if you don't have a secure job? Court is great, but there's nothing you can do unless you have around $2500 to pay an attorney to get you there. Until then, you will have no help from anyone. I went through it when I left my husband with four kids. He would see them only when he felt like it, never on weekends, and would never provide money to help support them. The only things he would do is buy them things when needed, shoes or clothes and take them out to eat every few weeks. Then when he got ticked at me, he would do things like go and snatch them outta school and I wouldn't know where they were. And nobody would help me, not his MSgt (he was military), not the police, not the school. Everyone said, "It's his RIGHT." But as far as supporting his kids? You have to have a paid attorney and court order to get that. I truly feel for you because I went through it, and if not for the support of my family, I never would've made it through. But trust me, it is ALL worth it in the end when you realize what happiness feels like again. I'm rooting for you. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 You don't need a lawyer to file a motion for child support. Just like maybe $35 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Yup and, if the family law division of their local court has a self-help desk like ours did, they'll even help her file the proper documents (no legal advice!) for free! Also, they'll help her apply for a filing fee waiver! All she has to do is ask! Link to post Share on other sites
Smthn_Like_Olivia Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Yup and, if the family law division of their local court has a self-help desk like ours did, they'll even help her file the proper documents (no legal advice!) for free! Also, they'll help her apply for a filing fee waiver! All she has to do is ask! I went 18 months struggling to support 4 kids on my own and not a SINGLE person I went to gave me this bit of advice. Maybe it's different in my state. Even after I saved up the money for my attorney, it still took 3 months to get into court for a temporary hearing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliforniaGirl Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 My advice remains essentially the same as that given a few years ago Get the ball rolling and the court will sort things out. They see stuff like this every day. IMO, keep mediation on the table at all times as it will save a ton on legal fees. The important thing is to take a first step. Where do you want to be a few years from now? We know where you are a few years after making that linked thread. You're still married. OK, now what? Most of the advice at that time seemed to center around counseling, which we did eventually try, but that ended up not working either. I was afraid to go ahead and make that leap then but I am not afraid any more. I have a call into an attorney referral service now. I called today. But what's this about possibly needing a lawyer? I can "just file"? I had no idea. I may look into that. I don't know where to begin - which was primarily why I was making this thread now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Each jurisdiction is indeed different. However, the OP identifies as a 'California Girl' so I presume she lives in California, as I do, though her jurisdiction may not have a self-help desk. All she has to do is call the family court or stop by the courthouse and ask! If they do, they can help her with everything short of specific legal advice. I recall, when we filed our MSA (marital settlement agreement) the self-help desk told us exactly how to prepare the package for them, including the pre-posted self-addressed envelopes for our copies of the dissolution (we had requested judgment by mail at their advice) and they filed the documents for us while we were right there and we had our dissolution the very next day! Done! Increasingly, courts (and lawyers!) are seeking to streamline divorce simply due to the enormous case loads in the judicial system, and help people reach settlements which avoid use of court time. Our mediator was such a person, and, due to being recommended by the self-help desk, his mediation and preparation of the MSA was free! I paid my lawyer to look it over, he was happy and done and done! IMO, what the OP lacks is the will. Or she's afraid. I was afraid for a long time. Spending a lot of time on legal matters and in court (not regarding our D) cured me! Fear can be paralyzing. She has fear because she has no money. I understand! My exW made a ton more than I did and I was saddled with caregiving costs besides! Fear was large! It can be overcome! She can do it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 (edited) tell him nothing be business-like, as in look how those people can be sharp and secretive get your legal position sorted out first, get familiar with it, get yourself in a good position safety first Edited April 24, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
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