Is a trial separation the answer?

[stewinglots]

I’ve never posted anything anywhere before, but I’m desperate and I just can’t seem to find anything anywhere on the net that could offer me any suggestions. I’ve done my best to try to cope with things by burying my feelings as best I can, but I’m finding that people are telling me I look ‘sad’ or ‘down’ more and more and I think I finally have to start looking outside for help.

 

Here’s my story:

 

I have been married for 4 years (while we’ve been together for 7). This past December my wife J gave me a beautiful baby girl who has since been the light of my life. I won’t get carried away with how I feel about my girl as I’m sure that I’ve been long-winded enough below.

 

I guess my problem is twofold. Over the past 6 months or so have been feeling attracted to a woman at work, and as these feelings have grown stronger, my own combined longing and guilt over this, along with the marital changes that only a new parent can understand have left me feeling progressively more and more distant from my wife.

 

An accelerant of this was a recent minor disagreement which blew up into J packing her bags and demanding her child from my arms so she could leave me. I told her that I couldn’t let her drive in her agitated state, and said that if she still felt the same way in the morning I wouldn’t stop her then. Over the evening we settled things down and they were still there when I came home from work the following evening.

 

As I said, this ridiculous blow-up was an accelerant for my feelings and it hasn’t slipped J’s notice that I’ve been much more introverted since the fight. No matter how much I assure her that it’s something that’s really my own doing, and I’ll eventually work it through (though I just don’t know if it’s true) she still blames herself for overreacting during our argument.

 

For the record, E (from work) started off as a friend and she has been for years. As I said, it’s only in the past 6 months or so that I’ve started changing in my feelings for her. We had commonly shared stories and confidences since early on in our friendship. She has an SO, though her regular relationship complaints sometimes now tend to make me feel like riding to the rescue like a knight in shining armor. Difficult as it may seem to believe, we have shared all kinds of details of our lives while still keeping our relationship firmly platonic.

 

We work in a 30 person office environment, regularly working on the same projects (so no - I can’t just avoid her altogether). I also recognize that nothing is likely to ever come of my new feelings for her, and I have never approached E about them.

 

I’d really like to avoid counseling if possible (J is deeply jaded against this from a childhood experience), but I really can’t seem to get over the ultimate fact that I feel like I’ve fallen out of love with my wife and I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it… I wonder if it might be worth exploring a trial separation to let me figure out what’s going on in my head, obviously my baby girl is first and foremost.

 

If there’s anyone out there who can offer any thoughts, suggestions or who may have been through something like this, I’d really appreciate some words of wisdom right now…

[Scott S]

What are you hoping for a trial separation to accomplish?

 

One of the goals of a TS usually is self-reflection/analysis, what actions/omissions & attitudes are contributing to the problems in the relationship. Couseling is an important part of this. If the intent is to heal the relationship, couples counseling would be an important part of keeping communication open, & maintaining some sense of coupleness during the time of separation.

[Quilly]

You need to be able to think clearly about and focus on your relationship with your wife in order to truly figure out whether or not you are still in love with her. Unfortunately, the feelings you have for your friend/coworker are not likely going to allow you to do that. Do you truly feel like a trial separation would help you to decide whether or not you still love your wife? Are you sure it's not a way to get the freedom you need to see more of your friend/coworker?

 

Hopefully you have read some of the posts out there on separation and divorce and have gotten a feel for how long and painful this process is... especially if you're uncertain. Do you feel any desire/attraction towards your wife at all? If so, then sit down with her and talk to her about your concerns. Having a new baby in the house does change everything. I know that I can look back to when my first child was born and recognize now that my husband and I no longer took time to be with each other and appreciate and build upon our relationship. Everything we did focused on our child. You have to make the time to focus on each other too.

 

I also think that once you have established a pattern to your lives, it's hard to feel comfortable trying to spice it up. Why do people enter into affairs? To feel that sense of excitment that comes with experiencing something new. I know at least for myself that I never felt comfortable experimenting in bed with my husband. We didn't communicate out of bed so how could I possibly feel comfortable communicating that I wanted to try something different in bed?

 

Communication. It's key to a good marriage. If you still think there is a chance that you might love your wife, you've got to start building that communication. Hold off on the friend/coworker if at all possible. Good luck.

[stewinglots]

Thanks for your response Quilly - What you had to say really struck me as very thoughtful and thought-provoking.

 

Your questions:

 

"Are you sure it's not a way to get the freedom you need to see more of your friend/coworker?"

 

Very sure. I'd like to think that it's me taking time to decide if a full-out separation/divorce is the next unfortunate step, though a pessimist might suggest that it's me trying it on for size and giving myself some room to backtrack if things get too hard.

 

"Do you feel any desire/attraction towards your wife at all?"

 

I wish I could say yes here but the answer is no. What I feel is an almost sibling like affection and respect. Sex is very difficult for me (and consequently hard on our relationship) because I've lost these important feelings. 2 x in a month would be a bunch.

 

You really have got me thinking a lot about how to communicate these feelings... Clearly I can't just open up the floodgates, do you have any suggestions? I'm really worried about her blaming herself (which she has a habit of) for this when it's obviously not her fault.

[Quilly]

I don't know that I have any good advice on how to approach this with your wife... so much depends on her, your relationship, and how well you are able to communicate with each other.

 

I also don't know from your original post as to why it is you are no longer in love with her. Do you know and understand the reasons why? Were there things that were missing from your relationship that are important to you? Was it because of something one of you did or failed to do or failed to communicate you needed/wanted?

 

I'm probably way off track from what you were asking... which was how to communicate your feelings to your wife without her blaming herself. I guess my point here is that you have to be able to understand your own feelings before you can communicate them effectively to someone else. When you tell her that you don't have the same feelings towards her anymore and want to leave, she's going to want to know why. Are you prepared to answer that? If so, then you just need to sit down and talk honestly about it. Depending on how she takes the news (if she agrees and feels the same or adamantly doesn't want a separation/divorce) will set the direction for how you proceed.

[prevch]

I have an idea do something really fun that no one ever does. FALL IN LOVE AGAIN!

 

I know it sounds absolutely absurd doesn't it?

You married your wife because she was your EVERYTHING> She was beautiful she was kind she was supportive etc etc etc. You married this woman for a reason buddy. Not only that but this gorgeous woman bore you a beautiful baby whom you are obviously crazy about.

 

You are going througha pahse buddy. The most stable relationships go through it. Things get boring/unexciting/ predictable. Well man you're the man so instead of taking the easy way out and leaving take your wife for a trip, just the two of you mind you, and spoil her to death. Even if you don't want to, trust me it helps. When you make her happy you will be amazed at how happy it makes you. Dress up for each other, look sexy for one another etc.

 

The only woman I ever loved left me and now I think she is regretting it. Don't leave your wife. You may not think you love her but you can bet that will change after you spend a 6 months away from her. You will say to yourself "I am nuts what did I do?"

90% of relationships are ROUGH and 90% of the time the grass is not greener on the other side. You have a responsibility to yourself, your child, and most importantly your wife. Humans are curious yes that's true but give it some time. You care for your wife a lot more than you think.

 

I am not trying to sound like a jerk, in fact, I am trying to save your from making what I think to be a horrible mistake. Bring up your concerns to your wife, see how she feels, and work it out. I would say though man love your wife and honor her the way she deserves to be.

 

I hope everything works out

[stewinglots]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been trying to help me through my posting. I've shared some of my feelings with my wife and we have both decided that counselling is in order. While I remain pessimistic on the subect of our future together, I anticipate that this is really the best move for us and we'll see what the future holds beyond that.

 

This will be my last posting. Thanks again.

[Scott S]

That's a _big_ step in the right direction!

 

Good luck to the both of you!!!