roger136913 Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 New to the forum, It's amazing how many people in the world and around me, yet I feel all alone. My Wife left me a month ago Back in 1996 I had an affair, then my Wife had one with my brother...in 2008 my wife an a Hytrorectomey (sp) then 6 months later had an affair with my friend on line, back in 2011 she had another affair. I could see her 1st one but it was my brother I took it hard, the second one hurt as she wanted a divorce, we stayed together and I went to therapy with out her. In 2011 I faced the guy and for 15 mins threats from breaking his legs and anything else I could think of only to have him say nothing and never looked at me I mean for 15 mins he never looked. My wife sent me an email 2 weeks ago saying how my affair in 1996 devastated her, made her feel ugly, and not loved. I told her then I did not love her as I could not tell her I was having an affair... She also said she never thought I really loved her cause of my affair and I told her it had nothing to do with her as she was the perfect wife... So why now after 18 years is she saying this? We had to foreclose on our condo, she knew 5 months before I did it as we could not afford paying 68% of our income to a condo... I took the cheating as payment for what I did. Some say I paid more then I should have, others say not enough.... I get what I deserve I have no problem there... She told me 5 days after our 24th anni and 28 years living together. I even helped move her out We divided up our money and I gave her extra as I did not want her to struggle also she got 90% of the stuff we owned... I have lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks can't eat, can't sleep. I tried to make things work when ever I got close to her she would shut down.. She wanted the loving things like cuddling ect ect I did them then she just stops over time. I thought it was her hormones since the htsyo I noticed in dec she starts going in a shell then comes out about may. ----She had 2 affairs since 2008 but that comes up is mine and the wrong I did. I can't give her an answer why as I don't have one, I always loved her and after my affair I knew she was my soul mate... 17 years went good after then her affairs started... Like others I have thought of hurting myself, but don't have the balls to do it. I have had to move also and hate where I am about1/4 mile from her work which makes it harder... I am pushing 50 and it's too late for me to start over, and I don't want to... I am so tired, my head can't stop thinking and dwelling over it. I have joined forums in the past and they have helped me a bit. But now we are living separate my heart can't go though my brain knows she will never be back. Thank you for allowing me to vent Roger Link to post Share on other sites
Author roger136913 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Share Posted April 15, 2014 Just got a text from her.. I had sent her a text earlier about a check she used so she called me. Told me her Mom was rushed into the hospital Sat night we are in Ma, her Mom is in La. So anyway I asked about Easter and what she was doing, she said nothing it's just another day. Easter is always at my Sisters and she was not invited.. I told her I was not going and asked if she wanted to have dinner together she said no thanks... So The text I got Don't respond::: Thanks for asking about Easter, but I am most likely going out for a while on Sunday. It's not directed at you, because you asked me but, I meant it, ok..it's not an excuse, Easter will be just another day. You should go to your Sister's for what it's worth and try to have a Happy Easter Roger,!!!!! Please don't respond back . How do I take it? Going nuts here, she says one thing and does or mean another it's killing me... Before she visited her Mother for two weeks, I gave her 3 options after I stopped the morg payments.. 1) You can live on your own 2) You can move to your Mother's 3) Stay with me married and we rent and save money.. We can save $1,000 a month with out the condo She chose #3 Two weeks later she came home was different, quiet ect... We celebrate our 24th wedding Anni then 5 days later she wants a divorce.. Said she did not love me.. In her Emails she says she believes I love her. Another Email she brings up how I shattered her heart 18 years ago and never got over her first marriage ?????????????? She said she never let herself believe I loved her due to my affair.. I can't give her an answer I don't have one I had the perfect wife I am starting to think it's just the hormones and maybe not an affair, then she said she might go out which can mean anything I guess. But why the crap I did 18 years ago ??? Link to post Share on other sites
hurts1968 Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Just got a text from her.. I had sent her a text earlier about a check she used so she called me. Told me her Mom was rushed into the hospital Sat night we are in Ma, her Mom is in La. So anyway I asked about Easter and what she was doing, she said nothing it's just another day. Easter is always at my Sisters and she was not invited.. I told her I was not going and asked if she wanted to have dinner together she said no thanks... So The text I got Don't respond::: Thanks for asking about Easter, but I am most likely going out for a while on Sunday. It's not directed at you, because you asked me but, I meant it, ok..it's not an excuse, Easter will be just another day. You should go to your Sister's for what it's worth and try to have a Happy Easter Roger,!!!!! Please don't respond back . How do I take it? Going nuts here, she says one thing and does or mean another it's killing me... Before she visited her Mother for two weeks, I gave her 3 options after I stopped the morg payments.. 1) You can live on your own 2) You can move to your Mother's 3) Stay with me married and we rent and save money.. We can save $1,000 a month with out the condo She chose #3 Two weeks later she came home was different, quiet ect... We celebrate our 24th wedding Anni then 5 days later she wants a divorce.. Said she did not love me.. In her Emails she says she believes I love her. Another Email she brings up how I shattered her heart 18 years ago and never got over her first marriage ?????????????? She said she never let herself believe I loved her due to my affair.. I can't give her an answer I don't have one I had the perfect wife I am starting to think it's just the hormones and maybe not an affair, then she said she might go out which can mean anything I guess. But why the crap I did 18 years ago ??? She is using what you did many years ago as a cover for what she has done and is doing now. Don't blame yourself for everything, sure some of it might be your fault but it takes 2 for everything! I have found to my cost over the last few months that some women can be very calculating, evil in fact! 50 is the new 30, at least I hope.....there is plenty of life left, I know it is hard but live it....I'm trying and so can you Wishing you the best from the UK Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 She is using what you did many years ago as a cover for what she has done and is doing now. Don't blame yourself for everything, sure some of it might be your fault but it takes 2 for everything! I have found to my cost over the last few months that some women can be very calculating, evil in fact! 50 is the new 30, at least I hope.....there is plenty of life left, I know it is hard but live it....I'm trying and so can you Wishing you the best from the UK Some of it might be his fault? He had an affair! In cases like this, here's how it often works....the chain of hurt is often long. Who did what to whom first, and then it just goes from there. Things are never truly resolved, only glossed over in cursory fashion and then filed under 'Dealt With'. But the hurt doesn't go away, and the resentment grows. I really don't think these kinds of relationships are fixable. She will never get over his affair, he will never get over her affairs, and in between, there are probably a million infractions committed by both of them, to the point where there isn't a good guy and a bad guy....just two people who are bad for each other. Sometimes it's best to just cut bait. Roger, I don't know if anything can be fixed between you, or if both of you would ever even want it fixed. Time will tell, I guess. But you've both got to want to move a mountain. In my experience, that's not going to happen. Life doesn't end with a divorce. Sometimes it's the healthiest option. Life can get really good once we flush the toxins out of our system, work on ourselves, and start over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 This marriage was toast yeeeears ago. First your affair, then her affair with your brother?? Oh sweet Lord. She's not your soulmate, and you're not hers - soulmates don't pull those cruel stunts on each other. Move on. 50 is still quite young. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 OP, your wife faced the crossroads when you had your affair. If she still holds it over you then she should have bailed on the M then. I faced the same thing with my WW and made the decision that the M was over right there and then. I would never cheat to "get even", but I knew I would never get over the betrayal. What's really crappy is that her A's were with family and friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author roger136913 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 After my affair was over I knew she was my soul mate not before. I think her affair was two fold. My brother knew I was having one, and it was her way of getting back. Her two other affairs occurred after her hysto, both times. I can take my punishment for what I did, God knows I carried the guilt almost 18 years. I always thought it was a reminder of what I did and not to do again. Since 2008 and every Dec she goes in a fog, and 2 of those years she had an affair. Could it be the foreclosure once again overwhelmed her and she started going back to 1996 ?? I know people say move on it's over... But my heart can't even though my brains says to also. Link to post Share on other sites
Author roger136913 Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 I know if I take out what I did, then things would have been different but I can't change what I did.... Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Hi Roger, I read your story and mine is a bit like yours, and wife of 23 years disappeared last year. I am 54 now and I was crushed.. But I continue to live, and 14 months after, I have several girlfriends running after me and I am the one who are still undecided for which road I am heading for.. (ok, libido down, but some blue pills can help you most of the time lol) I feel like a teen almost.. Have kissed some, made love with some others, and even if I still feel bad 14 months after, I am much better everyday. I still cry sometimes, and to help me out, I have taken some anti depressors. Not all are good but I found out the one which was good for me .. Statiscally, you pain will hurt you at least 2 or three years, even if you find somebody else.. So prepare yourself for a long run and do whatever is possible for you to pass through this awfull time... sport, diet, anti depressors, girfriends, friends, whatever is good for you to forget.. a bit.. But you will see, you will survive, and stronger.. Oh yes, non contact is also one of the key of success of your recovery.. there are pleinty of soulmates after 45, cause our story is not unique, and that's where 50% of the people are right now... Take care André Link to post Share on other sites
Author roger136913 Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 Thank You Andre for sharing that, Today is hard first time in 28 years we are not together for a Holiday .. Link to post Share on other sites
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