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Ready to Leave Him


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My husband and I have been together nearly 7 years total but married for 2. No children. Both in our early 30's.

 

We get along ok and have never been the arguing types but to me we are just roommates. I feel like he is a friend that I live with and have to put up with having sex with occasionally. I am repulsed by his touch or the thought of having sex with him. He still wants to have sex and I've found myself resenting him for trying, which I know isn't fair. It's not just sex but that is a big part of it. I can't imagine doing this the rest of my life. I really regret getting married. I was already unhappy by the time he proposed but thought it was just that it was just that I was upset that we weren't married yet. Once the wedding was over, I felt empty.

 

About a month ago, I let him know that I am not happy with him. Instead of just leaving, we agreed that we would give it another month. Nearing the end of this month I am still resolved to leave. We discussed it the other night calmly and he seemed to accept it.

 

 

Yesterday, he went to dinner with his mom to talk about the situation and is now determined that he wants more time to change things about himself. For me, I feel like it's too little too late. He is not to blame for this, I don't think he needs to change for me. I am already disconnected. I don't know how this can work when I already have one foot outside the door. I don't want to have some drawn out thing that just wastes both of our time.

 

 

thoughts, please?

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Never Again

Have you gone to marriage counseling?

 

I ask because, even if your marriage ends (and it sounds like it will), it might help you understand where things went wrong. It's not a panacea, but it's the only shot your marriage has and there are benefits even if divorce is imminent.

 

What I'm really getting at is: You two have communication problems. That's pretty evident. You're not to arguing types? Well, how often do you sit down and talk about what bothers you?

 

It took you over two years, if not more, to tell him you were unhappy? That's unhealthy and, frankly, dishonest. You likely have loads of built up "stuff" that you've simply refused to acknowledge and resolve.

 

It honestly sounds like you chose to let your marriage die before it even began, so you've been wasting his time, and yours, already. I'd prepare to file for divorce, but you could still benefit from some individual therapy if you don't want couple's counseling.

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Thanks for your response.

 

 

No, we haven't gone to counseling. I would consider going to individual therapy. We do talk, but you are correct. I have failed to communicate. I guess all of these things were building up so subtly that I didn't notice really as they were happening.

 

 

I didn't feel like my marriage was dead when we got married. It is only in retrospect that I can understand why I had the feelings I had. Yes, a lot has been building up. I did try to make it work through the 2 years but one day I realized that I've just been faking this. Everything is habit, we are just going through motions.

 

 

I am not miserable. I am just not happy at all. I am sure I could skate through life and just deal with it but that doesn't seem fair to either of us.

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I really congratulate you for being honest and deciding to terminate your marriage without indulging in an affair or other sort of schemes.

 

That's so rare nowadays.

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I don't want to let it get to that point. The way things are going, it's not like I haven't thought of other men in that way.

 

 

He doesn't deserve that though. I'd rather end it and let us both move on.

 

 

I'd rather leave before we have a kid and I am in this same position in 3 years but now with a child.

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Never Again
No, we haven't gone to counseling. I would consider going to individual therapy. We do talk, but you are correct. I have failed to communicate. I guess all of these things were building up so subtly that I didn't notice really as they were happening.

 

What I've highlighted is probably one of the most common reason feelings cool and things fall apart in LTRs. By failing to communicate, you've allowed your relationship to tarnish. Letting issues, no matter how small, go unresolved is pure poison to a relationship.

 

I didn't feel like my marriage was dead when we got married. It is only in retrospect that I can understand why I had the feelings I had. Yes, a lot has been building up. I did try to make it work through the 2 years but one day I realized that I've just been faking this. Everything is habit, we are just going through motions.

 

Google "fantasy bond". You might be surprised at what you find.

 

Anyways, the fact that you didn't understand the consequences of your actions doesn't change the fact that you allowed things to crumble. Your husband either didn't notice or also let things slide, so this isn't all on you. However, there is no "trying to make it work" without open an honest communication, especially when you're not happy.

 

I am not miserable. I am just not happy at all. I am sure I could skate through life and just deal with it but that doesn't seem fair to either of us.

 

No one should ask you to just skate through. You and your husband either work through this together, or you don't. As for being fair, you're rationalizing. You've been "unfair" for years now. Lack of communication, remaining unhappy, not actively seeking the solutions (counseling, communicating, not getting married in the first place) when you had the chance.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad or encourage you to stay. That's still your choice and it sounds like you've made it. However, you need to own up to your mistakes if you're going to ensure you never make them again, whether it be with your husband or with someone else.

 

Your marriage was never healthy and loving from the sound of it, and you had plenty of time to "not waste either if your time" or do what would've been "fair" for both of you. Those reasons aren't reasons, they're justifications to leave now that you're ready. If those reasons were enough alone, you would've left years ago.

 

You do not need a reason to leave if you're unhappy, but don't mask it behind justifications that are, frankly, hollow. You has communication issues and something wilted...it happens. You now have the choice to actually try or leave. Both are valid decisions, but neither of them is a time waster or unfair. If you want out, leave. If you think that there's a chance, no matter how small, to be happy in this relationship and you want to try, then communicate and try.

 

Either way, you definitely need some individual counseling.

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What I've highlighted is probably one of the most common reason feelings cool and things fall apart in LTRs. By failing to communicate, you've allowed your relationship to tarnish. Letting issues, no matter how small, go unresolved is pure poison to a relationship.

 

Google "fantasy bond". You might be surprised at what you find.

 

Anyways, the fact that you didn't understand the consequences of your actions doesn't change the fact that you allowed things to crumble. Your husband either didn't notice or also let things slide, so this isn't all on you. However, there is no "trying to make it work" without open an honest communication, especially when you're not happy.

 

No one should ask you to just skate through. You and your husband either work through this together, or you don't. As for being fair, you're rationalizing. You've been "unfair" for years now. Lack of communication, remaining unhappy, not actively seeking the solutions (counseling, communicating, not getting married in the first place) when you had the chance.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad or encourage you to stay. That's still your choice and it sounds like you've made it. However, you need to own up to your mistakes if you're going to ensure you never make them again, whether it be with your husband or with someone else.

 

Your marriage was never healthy and loving from the sound of it, and you had plenty of time to "not waste either if your time" or do what would've been "fair" for both of you. Those reasons aren't reasons, they're justifications to leave now that you're ready. If those reasons were enough alone, you would've left years ago.

 

You do not need a reason to leave if you're unhappy, but don't mask it behind justifications that are, frankly, hollow. You has communication issues and something wilted...it happens. You now have the choice to actually try or leave. Both are valid decisions, but neither of them is a time waster or unfair. If you want out, leave. If you think that there's a chance, no matter how small, to be happy in this relationship and you want to try, then communicate and try.

 

Either way, you definitely need some individual counseling.

 

 

I appreciate your opinion. I do tend to rationalize.

 

 

I've been a serial monogamist since I was 18. I do know there are patterns recurring. You are right. I know that I bear blame in this for sure. I would never say it was him only. I did communicate the small things that would bother me. Repeatedly. I think he just did not take them seriously and so I just gave in. That is my fault.

 

 

I looked up fantasy bond. Very interesting to read.

 

 

The phrase that I found that most closely resembled my feelings is "semi-happy marriage" Are You in a Semi-Happy Marriage? | Fox News Magazine

 

 

 

Anyway, I do appreciate your feedback. I am going to reread it a couple of times.

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whichwayisup

It'll hurt more if you go to counseling with him since it really does seem you're done with the marriage. It's not normal to be repulsed by your own spouse and also view them as a roommate.

 

You care and respect him, so don't allow him to have hope where there is none as that's not fair to him.

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I think you have pretty much made up your mind that this marriage isn't for you. I also think you are right that counseling would be a waste of time since you already know you don't want to stay. I think you need to make it clear to your husband that it is over so he doesn't waste time, money and emotions trying to get you to stay or reconcile.

 

If you cringe at his touch I don't see this changing.

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I think Pfenixphire's words have a lot of truth to them. Lack of communication and built up resentments were the causes of my own failed marriage (I was on your H's end though).

 

Something else that I'd like to bring up is your own happiness. Are you identifying your own happiness and fulfillment through your marriage and your husband? It should come from you, he is not responsible for your happiness.

 

I actually feel like you guys could make some real breakthroughs if you tried to face this head on since there's no cheating or intent to cheat on your part. If you both learned to communicate and find happiness within yourselves then the marriage could have a whole new life and meaning.

 

My main point here is that if you're unhappy within yourself, simply finding another partner and continuing the patterns of miscommunication will only lead you right back into the same situation.

 

Is it possible that you could be dealing with depression? Do you have your own passions right now?

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Never Again
I appreciate your opinion. I do tend to rationalize.

 

 

I've been a serial monogamist since I was 18. I do know there are patterns recurring. You are right. I know that I bear blame in this for sure. I would never say it was him only. I did communicate the small things that would bother me. Repeatedly. I think he just did not take them seriously and so I just gave in. That is my fault.

 

 

I looked up fantasy bond. Very interesting to read.

 

 

The phrase that I found that most closely resembled my feelings is "semi-happy marriage" Are You in a Semi-Happy Marriage? | Fox News Magazine

 

 

 

Anyway, I do appreciate your feedback. I am going to reread it a couple of times.

 

I've never read that article, thank you for sharing it.

 

Something to remember, for sure.

 

I tend to think that people give up on relationships/marriages too easily, but you've been suffering under the pressure of your situation for a long time now. It can be difficult, maybe even impossible, to recover from that.

 

I'm getting the feeling that you're repulse by your husband NOT because you don't "love" him, but because you don't "like" him. All these resolved issues have tossed up walls between the two of you. I mean, if you talked to him about things that bothered you and he didn't do anything...well, that's a lot of disappointment, hurt and resentment. Why would you want to be touched by someone like that?

 

That's why my stance is the way it is - you seem pretty set on wanting to leave him, and that is completely okay. However, it's always important to see what went wrong and improve yourself. It may not save your marriage, but it'll lead you to more happiness down the road.

 

To the posters that are saying that counseling would hurt more or would be a waste of time, I'm going to respectfully disagree. It all depends on what YOU really want. Only you can decide if your marriage wilted, or if it died completely.

 

The question that's most useful here probably is, "If you knew with 100% certainty that you and your husband could make the changes necessary to have a happy marriage and meet each other's emotional needs...in that very specific situation...is he someone you'd want to be with for the rest of your life?"

 

If the answer is a resounding "No", then things are pretty clear. If the negativity between the two of you is so great that you cannot imagine ever moving beyond it, then it'd best to leave sooner than later.

 

However, if that answer isn't so solid, then I'd recommend counseling first, at least individual counseling. You'd be surprised what you realize when you've got an impartial and trained arbiter there to listen.

 

I'd talk to a lawyer and get things prepared regardless. You seem pretty set on wanting to leave, so I'd prepare for the most likely care.

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whichwayisup
To the posters that are saying that counseling would hurt more or would be a waste of time, I'm going to respectfully disagree. It all depends on what YOU really want. Only you can decide if your marriage wilted, or if it died completely.

 

She seems 'done' with her marriage and has said she never should have married him. Her words below:

 

I can't imagine doing this the rest of my life. I really regret getting married. I was already unhappy by the time he proposed but thought it was just that it was just that I was upset that we weren't married yet. Once the wedding was over, I felt empty.

 

^^ That's brutally honest. Her marriage was over before it really began.

 

Why waste another minute/day/week/month/year of your life with him? And waste his as well.

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Never Again
She seems 'done' with her marriage and has said she never should have married him. Her words below:

 

I can't imagine doing this the rest of my life. I really regret getting married. I was already unhappy by the time he proposed but thought it was just that it was just that I was upset that we weren't married yet. Once the wedding was over, I felt empty.

 

^^ That's brutally honest. Her marriage was over before it really began.

 

Why waste another minute/day/week/month/year of your life with him? And waste his as well.

 

I'm not disputing your point, but I have this obnoxious habit of asking people to think about all their options before they make monumental decisions.

 

While you seem to jump right on my point about therapy, you seem to be ignoring both my comments about how I feel she should call her lawyer anyway, and the following comments also made by the OP:

 

I would consider going to individual therapy.

 

I didn't feel like my marriage was dead when we got married. It is only in retrospect that I can understand why I had the feelings I had.

 

I have never suggested that counseling, individual or otherwise, will fix this situation. However, you're providing the same rationalization the OP did: "why waste time?"

 

Significant amounts of time have already been wasted with shoddy communication methods, growing resentment/disappointment/apathy. If the OP is comfortable taking a mental time out to see if individual therapy is worth her time, whether for this relationship or her next one, that is her choice. If she'd rather end things now and either seek therapy later or muddle through self-improvement on her own, that's also her choice.

 

The OP has issues either way, and she's acknowledged them. She would benefit from counseling no matter what the end decision.

 

 

 

OP, the only thing you can do in this situation is sit down, calmly and by yourself, and take a mental inventory of your life. Think about what you want, what would make you be happy with YOU (happiness should come from within, not from your marriage...but your marriage should also never make you constantly unhappy), what you COULD do were you to move on, and what you COULD do to try and fix yourself (and maybe, though not likely, the marriage).

 

It does seem like you'll still choose to leave, but you at least owe it to yourself to think things through with a calm mind, heart and soul and figure out what is best for YOU and what path would be best.

 

Sure, maybe you could have a breakthrough and save your marriage. I think it's more likely that you'll gain some personal clarity and will come to understand yourself a lot more - you may understand your needs, and how to express them, in a much more effective way.

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OP, the only thing you can do in this situation is sit down, calmly and by yourself, and take a mental inventory of your life. Think about what you want, what would make you be happy with YOU (happiness should come from within, not from your marriage...but your marriage should also never make you constantly unhappy), what you COULD do were you to move on, and what you COULD do to try and fix yourself (and maybe, though not likely, the marriage).

 

It does seem like you'll still choose to leave, but you at least owe it to yourself to think things through with a calm mind, heart and soul and figure out what is best for YOU and what path would be best.

 

Sure, maybe you could have a breakthrough and save your marriage. I think it's more likely that you'll gain some personal clarity and will come to understand yourself a lot more - you may understand your needs, and how to express them, in a much more effective way.

 

 

 

Thanks again, Pfenixphire. I think I've spent too much time solely thinking this by myself and not including the husband. I am also the type of person who likes to consider all of my options before I move forward and you have given me much food for thought. While it would be nice to just agree with the people who push me in the direction I am leaning toward, I definitely need to read the things you've said to me as well.

 

 

Thanks to everyone else for your responses as well.

 

 

I have no answers at this moment but I am glad that I posted here for neutral responses. My family knows and now his mom knows about the current situation so I needed someone to talk to that is not so closely involved with this.

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Update:

 

I moved out in the beginning of April and I filed the divorce paperwork yesterday. It should be finalized within 3 weeks.

 

 

I did attend one marriage counselor session with him as he requested. Mostly he just wanted confirmation from an outside source that it was over. I did learn a lot during our one session about myself and our relationship that I can use for the future. I think it will help him get closure as for him, it was sudden. Of course communication was one of the biggest issues and this fell on both of us. Even the issues I told him about in March were erased from his mind because it didn't fit the situation as he was trying to make sense of it.

 

 

Anyway, just wanted to give you an update. Thanks for all of your feedback. I'm going to be alone for a while and adjust to that.

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