Newly married & he wants a divorce

[Mrs_AJ]

I am currently in a state of confusion, a dark hole in which I don't know the way out.

 

I just want some advice, and how to cope for the next 6 weeks.

 

I (29 yrs old) met my husband (28) on a social network site. We knew of each other for 1 year but only dated for 3months. We married without giving our families a chance to take it all in. I work, he's a student who is due to start work in 6 months time. We agreed on finances and kept it all between ourselves. My family rallied around & helped with the wedding and we were married in December.

 

We travelled on a 1week honeymoon. We already noticed that we were clashing. I'd say something, he'd get angry and he'd sit away from me at the cafe or not talk to me during dinner.

 

Week 2 I lied about a past relationship. I should have just said I don't want to talk about it instead of trying to make up a story about an ex. Guilt are at me & I told him the truth. This led to one massive argument, crying, threat of divorce and not talking for 4 days. He asked me to leave, I booked into a hotel god 1 night. He then asked me to come back but he wouldn't talk to me. We are in silence. It was the hardest week of my life. As we were tied up with work and studies I had to travel back to my city for work. The night before he was able to talk to me. He made me promise never to lie to him again as it made him feel very vulnerable. I of course felt remorseful but promised to always be honest even if it was difficult.

 

We spent the next 6 weeks with me travelling back & forth to see him. We kept arguing about little things; me asking him to be more affectionate, him never calling/texting me any longer, me deciding to stop the OC pill without checking with him resulting in an argument although he said he wanted to try for children, me asking why he spends time with friends on the few days I come to see him etc. but there were also times of romance, cooking together, going out for dates, intimacy.

 

He has now travelled off for a 6 week holiday ( part of his studies and planned prior to us getting to know each other). We had planned to spend this weekend before he left together. He changed those plans, asked me to cancel the hotel, said he was having dinner with friends and that I should come see him and we'd see what we could do together. Also that it may not be worth me travelling all the way after all. I said ok I'll come. This is all over text mainly. I was fuming but surprised it not want king another argument. The next day I

texted: ' I don't get it, why are you gong out for dinner with friends & the person you're spending the next 6 weeks with?( ie his travel buddy). Never mind now, I just can't wait to see you. I have a surprise for you.'

This started a world war 3. He felt insulted, humiliated, accused of not taking care of his wife. He argued with me over text. I was apologetic, said he'd cancelled our plans and that I just wanted time with him.

 

All in all we didn't see each other before he left. He texted me and said he loves me but is not in love with me as much as I claim to be. He said we don't seem to click. He said he thought about divorce 70% of the time and he thought life was easier before marriage. He said I had changed, I was so passive, where was the strong educated woman he fell for?! He said his personality was too strong for me and as I had once feared he said he just bulldozes me. He spoke to his family about divorce and although tough he felt that's the stage we've reached. He also asked if I could continue paying the rent and he'd pay me back.

 

I,

1. Broke down crying in front of my parents & brothers.

2. Told them what had happened as I had his my problems from them.

3. Initially pleaded with him via text.

4. Was advised to text him that I agreed with his decision and that I was stopping all payments and that I had informed my family as well. I asked him to throw my stuff. This made him tell me he loved me but that his feeling we're not strong. And that we should think things through whilst he was away and that he would not throw anything away. But if I insist I could pick my stuff up. He also said I'd become so passive if was unattractive; as if I don't value, defend or explain myself( his words).

 

My family have said they will not support me if I reconcile with him. They supported us 100%, helped us pay for the wedding, but had seen the change in me post wedding. They said I looked unhappy and avoided any questions about him. They want me out of this. I know they adore me and are very protective.

 

I love my husband, very much. He's attractive, funny, intelligent and strong. I feel that instead of adjusting with me & understanding that we just needed time, he turned away from me. I remember his crazy he ws about him when we were engaged. We couldn't sleep at night, we were talking or texting.

 

I've lost myself trying to be a 'good' wife. The arguments broke my confidence and I became a passive participant. I'm relieved he has gone because I need to build myself up again. In a way I'm happy this has happened because in now know the worst thing is divorce and if it happens I have up port and live all around me. I was scared of failing. I'm not anymore.

 

I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose him. I adore him. Both if us have found this very difficult, we have different personalities. But I don't want to be with him if he does not want to be with me or want our marriage as much as I want it.

 

The chances are slim though. He'd have to convince me ( and my family unfortunately) that he won't deal with things like this again. I would have to show him he can't push me around again. I'd insist on us dating like before and I'd ask him to come see me.

 

How do I cope with the next 6 weeks? I'm working and I'm currently living at my moms. He's travelling the world having fun, maybe fleetingly thinking of me. He may come back to say he made a mistake. I have to prepare for that.

 

I miss the way we were initially. Giddy with lust & love. I still woke up next to him thinking how beautiful he is. It hurts so much to think he didn't feel the same.

 

Where do I go from here?

[TaraMaiden]

What is it Forrest Gump always says....?

 

Divorce, call it a day, and ......really?

 

Next time??

 

Do I really need to spell it out?

Edited February 23, 2014 by TaraMaiden

[Mrs_AJ]

I'm sorry Tara but my judgement is a bit clouded currently.

 

 

'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you get...'

 

 

You think there is no space for reconciliation?

 

 

There is a stage called adjustment stage in marriage where you realise that your expectations of the person you married are not the same as the person you've ended up with. But that if you can adjust together you can get through it.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm sorry Tara but my judgement is a bit clouded currently.

 

 

'Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you get...'

 

No. the other thing he always says.

 

 

You think there is no space for reconciliation?

There should never have been a marriage in the first place! The relationship itself was barely embryonic!

 

 

There is a stage called adjustment stage in marriage where you realise that your expectations of the person you married are not the same as the person you've ended up with. But that if you can adjust together you can get through it.

This need not have to happen at all, if the couple spent a good long time in a relationship/engagement PRIOR to getting married!

 

Your family is 100% correct in their current thinking.

 

Your problem now is that you're allowing your heart ton rule your head.

You're not being logical or practical - and you need to be.

 

You can do nothing on your own, anyway.

he has to agree, and be co-operative.

if he's not on the same page as you, let alone the same chapter - strike that, let alone reading the same book - then you need to face it and agree it's over.

 

You can't fix this single-handedly.

 

What are you clinging to and hoping for anyway?

You can't turn the clock back; you can't un-do what has been done, or un-learn what you have learned.

He can't.

He WON'T.

 

Close the book.

[OpheliaSong]

It takes two to tango... I don't know if Forrest Gump said that, but I think it applies. Your family is correct. Let him and this faux marriage go because you barely knew each other and he isn't invested.

[TaraMaiden]

No, I don't think he said that.

 

But he DID say 'Schytt happens'......

[Mrs_AJ]

Marrying him was not a mistake on my part.

 

 

I love hiu any longer ism and would have worked through anything with him. I took my vows seriously. He made me happy when things were good between us.

 

 

But to hear your husband say "I'm not in love with you so much anymore" and feeling that he may not be as attracted to you any longer because you relaxed and was trying to find your feet is heart breaking. I have never felt so hurt in my life. Never. And yet still I think he must hurt on his own level and must feel despondent that we kept arguing and think that there is no way to fix it.

 

 

He was madly in love with me 5 months ago. What happened?

[OpheliaSong]

Playing house didn't work out. He doesn't want to be married to you anymore. With to hat information alone,t here is little you can do except beg, plead and lose yourself and any self respect you may have left chasing after a man who doesn't want you. I know this is tough...no one expects to get married and then their husbands want a divorce right after, but your husband is an immature child who you don't really know that well. Your family is right....you need to bounce.

[TaraMaiden]

Marrying him was not a mistake on my part.

Marrying him was a mistake, full-stop. Had it not been, you would still both be ok with it.

 

 

I love hiu any longer ism and would have worked through anything with him. I took my vows seriously. He made me happy when things were good between us.

And now that things are bad between you, he's backed off. So much for 'for better or for worse'.... When the rose-tinted spec's come off, suddenly he just felt everything was grey.

 

 

But to hear your husband say "I'm not in love with you so much anymore" and feeling that he may not be as attracted to you any longer because you relaxed and was trying to find your feet is heart breaking. I have never felt so hurt in my life. Never. And yet still I think he must hurt on his own level and must feel despondent that we kept arguing and think that there is no way to fix it.

There IS no way to fix it - if he won't explore a way to fix it.

This is broken and scrapped, because he's decided that's the way it is...

 

 

He was madly in love with me 5 months ago. What happened?

I think he realised it was too much too soon,and got cold feet. he was caught up in the whirlwind romance, and realised - too late - that it was part infatuation - just as you said yourself:

 

the way we were initially. Giddy with lust & love

Where there's 'giddy' and 'Lust' there is also haste and inadvisable.

never make decisions based on those two qualities.

That is letting your heart - and your libido - rule your head.

[Mrs_AJ]

OOphelia, this is so so painful. I don't feel like I can survive this. I can't imagine being without him now. Not knowing about him, seeing him leave when we had plans together.

 

 

I can't believe I chose him and he was like this all along. He was not ready yet still he was the super enthusiastic charming fiancé.

 

 

He called him late last night to bid him farewell before he leaves. He didn't pick up. He texted and said " I'm in bed, we will talk when I'm back."

 

 

I feel that he is able to be happy and enjoy his travelling for the next 6 weeks. But he has left me in complete emotional turmoil.

 

 

Perhaps after these 6 weeks I will see the full picture. Perhaps he will come back to want to talk and find that I have found myself again. Maybe I will even reject him in 6 weeks time. I don't know.

 

 

But all I can think about now is how it was just me and him and it really was good at times. And I can't stop crying. I stare at things for a long time being spaced out. My thoughts are not mine anymore.

[Mrs_AJ]

You're right Tara, his specs came off. He was getting so annoyed with me for every little thing. I felt guarded towards the last week. Like I was prone to mistake after mistake. My family didn't recognise me.

 

 

Why are my specs still on? I just want to scream and swear and punch the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I let him treat me like this? I would never have stood for this whilst we were dating. But as soon as we married I thought I had to be different, take any ****.

 

 

I didn't think my life would turn out like this. The hurt is unbelievable. I am convinced he is not hurting like me.

[Mrs_AJ]

I'm going to back off and I'm going to cut all contact. I have to try to take care of myself. I have to live life as if it's done.

 

 

If he ever wants to fix his marriage he knows where to find me. If not he'll serve me the papers.

[TaraMaiden]

You're right Tara, his specs came off. He was getting so annoyed with me for every little thing. I felt guarded towards the last week. Like I was prone to mistake after mistake. My family didn't recognise me.

 

Why are my specs still on? I just want to scream and swear and punch the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I let him treat me like this? I would never have stood for this whilst we were dating. But as soon as we married I thought I had to be different, take any ****.

 

 

I didn't think my life would turn out like this. The hurt is unbelievable. I am convinced he is not hurting like me.

 

Why would you think you had to be different??

No wonder your family didn't recognise you!

[Mrs_AJ]

I felt that if we argued about anything I just backed down. I didn't want anyone to know we were arguing. We were meant to be in the 'honey moon' stage. So I changed. I didn't stand up to him when he was wrong.

[TaraMaiden]

Who taught you that behaviour?

Where did you pick up that kind of response?

 

And did you never feel, deep down that it wasn't working?

[lucy_in_disguise]

He sounds like a major ashsole.

 

I am sure he is intelligent, charming etc. or you would not feel like you do, but really you are dodging a bullet here.

 

I can't imagine being married to someone like him. "My personality is too strong for you, where is the strong woman I married, I bulldoze right through you." Really? WTF. Those are not the words of a loving husband who cherishes his wife. More than that, those are not the words of a kind person.

 

Grow a backbone, woman. You deserve better than this siht. Fcvk this guy, time to move on.

Edited February 23, 2014 by lucy_in_disguise

[TrappedWanderer]

Mrs_AJ,

 

I feel for ya. Really, I do. I also was newly married when ****e hit the fan and my new husband totally changed, throwing things into a whirlwind and leaving me hurt and confused.

 

I knew him for a long time but we also had a LDR before we got married and, while all the planning for the wedding (which my family supported, too...his just showed up for the pictures and free food, ha) he was on board with everything...or so he said. So in love, so excited, etc. When we got married and I moved to his city and everything was really really real (bc, apparently, it hadn't been to him that whole time) he totally flipped out and became someone I didn't recognize. I wish I could have just gotten in a car and gotten out of there (I moved abroad for him) but I, like you, couldn't beleive this was happening so soon into our supposed newlywed bliss. I gave him space, time...shrunk down from the independent chick I've always been. But finally, no matter the space I gave or compromises I made, he always, ultimately, couldn't handle it. He's weak. So I finally left.

 

Don't get me wrong, it was VERY painful....still is. Hell, even on stupid facebook I thought I had blocked everything related to him but just a minute ago a distance mutual friend in his city posted a buncha pics and there was his face, all smiling and happy. Hard to take while I'm in limbo trying to get my life back together.

 

But, even though that honestly just threw me for a little loop, and even though I'm still struggling with what new direction my life will now take, I know, in my heart of hearts, I'm better off without him. He may be smiling now, but he'll struggle with these same issues for the rest of his life, because he doesn't want to deal with them. Not me. I'm dealing with them. It's painful, but getting better every day.

 

Take these next 6 weeks of your husband being away, and do some SERIOUS soul searching. Remember, it takes two people to make a marriage work...and if one refuses to try, well.....that pretty much says it all.

 

Hang in there. You're not alone.

[Radu]

I am currently in a state of confusion, a dark hole in which I don't know the way out.

 

I just want some advice, and how to cope for the next 6 weeks.

 

I (29 yrs old) met my husband (28) on a social network site. We knew of each other for 1 year but only dated for 3months. We married without giving our families a chance to take it all in. I work, he's a student who is due to start work in 6 months time. We agreed on finances and kept it all between ourselves. My family rallied around & helped with the wedding and we were married in December.

You married kinda quick.

 

We travelled on a 1week honeymoon. We already noticed that we were clashing. I'd say something, he'd get angry and he'd sit away from me at the cafe or not talk to me during dinner.

I'm surprised you guys had a honeymoon at all considering your situation [you working, him student].

 

Week 2 I lied about a past relationship. I should have just said I don't want to talk about it instead of trying to make up a story about an ex. Guilt are at me & I told him the truth. This led to one massive argument, crying, threat of divorce and not talking for 4 days. He asked me to leave, I booked into a hotel god 1 night. He then asked me to come back but he wouldn't talk to me. We are in silence. It was the hardest week of my life. As we were tied up with work and studies I had to travel back to my city for work. The night before he was able to talk to me. He made me promise never to lie to him again as it made him feel very vulnerable. I of course felt remorseful but promised to always be honest even if it was difficult.

This is where the wrong starts.

First of all, you did some wrong by lying about a past relationship, however you did not murder someone ... and you seem to have learned your lesson.

However what he did wrong :

- threat of divorce; you do not threaten your SO with divorce, it's something that is done as a last resort in normal couples.

In this situation i would classify it as emotional blackmail.

- you went to the hotel ?

You ?; the breadwinner ?

You should have stayed there and slept on the couch.

This comes from someone who bashes female posters on this board for choosing which equality to follow in their feminism [that which suits them], so i hope you understand how serious i am.

 

So much talk of his feelings when he's at home cozy, and you are commuting back and forth like a chipmunk to and from work, getting stressed out.

Sorry, but this should have been dealt another way, and it did not have to come down to 'leave for hotel for 1 night'.

 

Another thing is that i am starting to get a whiff of manipulative behaviour on his part.

 

We spent the next 6 weeks with me travelling back & forth to see him. We kept arguing about little things; me asking him to be more affectionate, him never calling/texting me any longer, me deciding to stop the OC pill without checking with him resulting in an argument although he said he wanted to try for children, me asking why he spends time with friends on the few days I come to see him etc. but there were also times of romance, cooking together, going out for dates, intimacy.

So you are doing all the travelling.

And despite that, he can't find time for you when you visit.

 

 

He has now travelled off for a 6 week holiday ( part of his studies and planned prior to us getting to know each other). We had planned to spend this weekend before he left together. He changed those plans, asked me to cancel the hotel, said he was having dinner with friends and that I should come see him and we'd see what we could do together. Also that it may not be worth me travelling all the way after all. I said ok I'll come. This is all over text mainly. I was fuming but surprised it not want king another argument. The next day I

texted: ' I don't get it, why are you gong out for dinner with friends & the person you're spending the next 6 weeks with?( ie his travel buddy). Never mind now, I just can't wait to see you. I have a surprise for you.'

This started a world war 3. He felt insulted, humiliated, accused of not taking care of his wife. He argued with me over text. I was apologetic, said he'd cancelled our plans and that I just wanted time with him.

Again, the whiff of manipulative behaviour [i'll get into this later on].

 

All in all we didn't see each other before he left. He texted me and said he loves me but is not in love with me as much as I claim to be. He said we don't seem to click. He said he thought about divorce 70% of the time and he thought life was easier before marriage. He said I had changed, I was so passive, where was the strong educated woman he fell for?! He said his personality was too strong for me and as I had once feared he said he just bulldozes me. He spoke to his family about divorce and although tough he felt that's the stage we've reached. He also asked if I could continue paying the rent and he'd pay me back.

Most of his behaviours are meant to teach you not to challenge him.

Now he's upset that you are buying the teaching.

This is a no-win situation, and it either means he's got issues, or he's trying to create a problem, a reason for D.

 

I,

1. Broke down crying in front of my parents & brothers.

2. Told them what had happened as I had his my problems from them.

3. Initially pleaded with him via text.

4. Was advised to text him that I agreed with his decision and that I was stopping all payments and that I had informed my family as well. I asked him to throw my stuff. This made him tell me he loved me but that his feeling we're not strong. And that we should think things through whilst he was away and that he would not throw anything away. But if I insist I could pick my stuff up. He also said I'd become so passive if was unattractive; as if I don't value, defend or explain myself( his words).

You telling him 'yes, let's divorce', means he can't D-bomb you anymore, and makes him show his true colors.

He does not want D, but he wants to use the D-bomb to teach you to accept a re-negociation of your relationship.

Either he is trying to get even more power in the R ... or he is trying to cake-eat even more [this is something a manipulative guy would do to make his gf/wife accept another person].

And you are paying for what ?

 

My family have said they will not support me if I reconcile with him. They supported us 100%, helped us pay for the wedding, but had seen the change in me post wedding. They said I looked unhappy and avoided any questions about him. They want me out of this. I know they adore me and are very protective.

And honestly, i think they are right.

 

I love my husband, very much. He's attractive, funny, intelligent and strong. I feel that instead of adjusting with me & understanding that we just needed time, he turned away from me. I remember his crazy he ws about him when we were engaged. We couldn't sleep at night, we were talking or texting.

 

I've lost myself trying to be a 'good' wife. The arguments broke my confidence and I became a passive participant. I'm relieved he has gone because I need to build myself up again. In a way I'm happy this has happened because in now know the worst thing is divorce and if it happens I have up port and live all around me. I was scared of failing. I'm not anymore.

So you changed for him, but what has he done to change for you ?

 

You are negociating a common conception for your marriage, but from what i read, that common conception [reality] of marriage is based completely on his thinking.

That is why he uses the D-bomb, that is why he blows over your mistakes.

By keeping you on the defensive, he can control the relationship.

 

I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose him. I adore him. Both if us have found this very difficult, we have different personalities. But I don't want to be with him if he does not want to be with me or want our marriage as much as I want it.

 

The chances are slim though. He'd have to convince me ( and my family unfortunately) that he won't deal with things like this again. I would have to show him he can't push me around again. I'd insist on us dating like before and I'd ask him to come see me.

He does not want a divorce.

What he wants is a wife who will stop questioning her reality, and will be his obedient servant who will put up with everything.

Are you willing to lose your soul to become that ?

Do you want to become that ?

 

How do I cope with the next 6 weeks? I'm working and I'm currently living at my moms. He's travelling the world having fun, maybe fleetingly thinking of me. He may come back to say he made a mistake. I have to prepare for that.

 

I miss the way we were initially. Giddy with lust & love. I still woke up next to him thinking how beautiful he is. It hurts so much to think he didn't feel the same.

 

Where do I go from here?

When he comes back in 6 weeks, he will expect you to be on your knees happy that your lord has returned.

He expects you to fall back into your place, and do what you are told.

These 6 weeks could pass very nicely for you, if he wanted ... skyping, phones, talking, sharing, etc ...

But what he wants [deep down, it's not a conscious thing with him] is for you to mull over it, to be engulfed in the drama, to have sleepless nights.

 

Take the 6 weeks to read on relationships, on what is normal in relationships.

Read up on toxic relationships, go on sites and describe your relationship with him.

If need be, go to an IC and ask his opinion on your husband behaviour.

 

At best, it can be described as a selfish manipulative pr*ck.

[Mrs_AJ]

Mrs_AJ,

 

I feel for ya. Really, I do. I also was newly married when ****e hit the fan and my new husband totally changed, throwing things into a whirlwind and leaving me hurt and confused.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear that! I'm glad you wrote to me.

I dated my husband for a very short time period and we live 3 hours apart. I was spending 6 hrs to travel through my city to his to spend time with him. And then of course 6 hrs back. I work as a doctor and have long shifts (12hr). I wouldn't complain but just get on the coach to see him. Is that not bring a strong woman?

 

I knew him for a long time but we also had a LDR before we got married and, while all the planning for the wedding (which my family supported, too...his just showed up for the pictures and free food, ha) he was on board with everything...or so he said. So in love, so excited, etc. When we got married and I moved to his city and everything was really really real (bc, apparently, it hadn't been to him that whole time) he totally flipped out and became someone I didn't recognize. I wish I could have just gotten in a car and gotten out of there (I moved abroad for him) but I, like you, couldn't beleive this was happening so soon into our supposed newlywed bliss. I gave him space, time...shrunk down from the independent chick I've always been. But finally, no matter the space I gave or compromises I made, he always, ultimately, couldn't handle it. He's weak. So I finally left.

It must have been a heartbreaking decision. I could not have left my husband, even now I'm trying to find excuses for him. I wonder why they got married in the first place.

 

Don't get me wrong, it was VERY painful....still is. Hell, even on stupid facebook I thought I had blocked everything related to him but just a minute ago a distance mutual friend in his city posted a buncha pics and there was his face, all smiling and happy. Hard to take while I'm in limbo trying to get my life back together.

 

This is how I feel. I checked his FB and he had checked in that he was at the airport with his friend. He didn't have time to call and say goodbye to me but he was on fb.

 

But, even though that honestly just threw me for a little loop, and even though I'm still struggling with what new direction my life will now take, I know, in my heart of hearts, I'm better off without him. He may be smiling now, but he'll struggle with these same issues for the rest of his life, because he doesn't want to deal with them. Not me. I'm dealing with them. It's painful, but getting better every day.

 

I don't see that yet. I'm still holding on.

 

Take these next 6 weeks of your husband being away, and do some SERIOUS soul searching. Remember, it takes two people to make a marriage work...and if one refuses to try, well.....that pretty much says it all.

 

I think that's great advice. I've started seeing a councillor at work.

Edited February 24, 2014 by Mrs_AJ

[Mrs_AJ]

Thank you Radu for your input.

 

You married kinda quick.

 

 

I'm surprised you guys had a honeymoon at all considering your situation [you working, him student].

 

We borrowed money from my brother. I really wanted us to have a week away after the stress of arranging the wedding.

 

This is where the wrong starts.

First of all, you did some wrong by lying about a past relationship, however you did not murder someone ... and you seem to have learned your lesson.

However what he did wrong :

- threat of divorce; you do not threaten your SO with divorce, it's something that is done as a last resort in normal couples.

In this situation i would classify it as emotional blackmail.

- you went to the hotel ?

You ?; the breadwinner ?

You should have stayed there and slept on the couch.

This comes from someone who bashes female posters on this board for choosing which equality to follow in their feminism [that which suits them], so i hope you understand how serious i am.

 

My husband never disclosed any of his past relationships. Even if I asked he just didn't answer. But I felt pressurised to answer. He saw a stamp in my passport- I'd travelled to Chicago 6 months earlier to see an ex I was with for 4 years. But when he asked I said I'd gone with a friend. He didn't believe me. He said I think you went to meet an ex. I said no don't be silly. Anyway after the whole storm he said he was upset I had lied. I got that & said I'd never be dishonest with him again. And I've kept my word and will never hide anything again. It was none of his business anyway.

 

He threw me out. He said get out! Get out of my house! Give me the keys. I remember him hovering over me asking for the keys as I was packing my bag. I was sitting on my knees packing. I couldn't look up at him but I said ' no I need the keys to get my stuff, I'll leave them on the table later'. He left slamming the door. I decided not to go back home to my family but to book into a hotel for 2 nights. Can you imagine how shocked they'd be to see me back early and so broken? I couldn't do that to them.

He asked me to come back night 1 and I slept on the sofa with no pillow and no duvet. I used my coat. He attempted to sleep on the sofa 2 weeks ago after an argument. He didn't hack it for 1 hour.

 

So much talk of his feelings when he's at home cozy, and you are commuting back and forth like a chipmunk to and from work, getting stressed out.

Sorry, but this should have been dealt another way, and it did not have to come down to 'leave for hotel for 1 night'.

 

Another thing is that i am starting to get a whiff of manipulative behaviour on his part.

 

 

I'm starting to see this now.

 

So you are doing all the travelling.

And despite that, he can't find time for you when you visit.

 

Yes. He'd spend some time with me but go out for 1-2 hours each night to a shisha cafe. First he said it was because he was studying. Post exams it was just to kick back with mates. I used to go to bed, he'd wake me up when he came.

 

Again, the whiff of manipulative behaviour [i'll get into this later on].

 

 

Most of his behaviours are meant to teach you not to challenge him.

Now he's upset that you are buying the teaching.

This is a no-win situation, and it either means he's got issues, or he's trying to create a problem, a reason for D.

 

 

You telling him 'yes, let's divorce', means he can't D-bomb you anymore, and makes him show his true colors.

He does not want D, but he wants to use the D-bomb to teach you to accept a re-negociation of your relationship.

Either he is trying to get even more power in the R ... or he is trying to cake-eat even more [this is something a manipulative guy would do to make his gf/wife accept another person].

And you are paying for what ?

 

But WHY? Why is he behaving like this!?? Teach me what? He wants me to respect him and be obedient but yet he'll challenge me because he says it's weak? I'm not below him. If anything I'm ahead! Is he threatened by that perhaps? Career wise I'm 5 years ahead. I come from a loving supportive family whereas his family paid for nothing for us. I'm not even sure they're happy we're together. He was not keen on me calling his mom to say hi. He never called my family post the wedding. What kind of personality disorder is this? He told me I had one after the first fight because I had been dishonest. But I apologised and stopped. His behaviour has been consistent.

 

 

And honestly, i think they are right.

 

 

So you changed for him, but what has he done to change for you ?

 

He told me I can't change him. He questions why I changed.

 

You are negociating a common conception for your marriage, but from what i read, that common conception [reality] of marriage is based completely on his thinking.

That is why he uses the D-bomb, that is why he blows over your mistakes.

By keeping you on the defensive, he can control the relationship.

 

I think you're right. He kept me tense. I would say things out of emotion but never thought it was insulting. He felt it was. So I kept apologising, he kept pointing out my faults. I've never had anyone tell me I constantly slip on my words, or that I'm hurtful.

 

He does not want a divorce.

What he wants is a wife who will stop questioning her reality, and will be his obedient servant who will put up with everything.

Are you willing to lose your soul to become that ?

Do you want to become that ?

 

Ok he does not want a divorce. But he does not want me to be passive either. This is what he says is unattractive. The problem is I was trying to be what he wants/needs me to be. It's suffocating. When I was myself he would find faults. When I'm trying to be someone else I'm still at fault. I think had I been strong & stood up to his sihyte day 1 he would have stopped.

 

 

When he comes back in 6 weeks, he will expect you to be on your knees happy that your lord has returned.

He expects you to fall back into your place, and do what you are told.

These 6 weeks could pass very nicely for you, if he wanted ... skyping, phones, talking, sharing, etc ...

But what he wants [deep down, it's not a conscious thing with him] is for you to mull over it, to be engulfed in the drama, to have sleepless nights.

 

If this is what he wants then I married an unkind man. I feel as if though he thinks it's me against him, maybe that I've deprived him of his bachelor life style. But this makes him an absolute idiot and low life. He chose me and asked me to marry him. Does he not consider how he has told my life upside down?

Phone calls, loving texts seem to have become a luxury towards the end.

 

 

Take the 6 weeks to read on relationships, on what is normal in relationships.

Read up on toxic relationships, go on sites and describe your relationship with him.

If need be, go to an IC and ask his opinion on your husband behaviour.

 

At best, it can be described as a selfish manipulative pr*ck.

[trippi1432]

Personally, I'd have the divorce papers in order for him to sign when he gets back after those six weeks. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through, but do understand that it's good he isn't wasting 15 or 20 years of your life where you never please him.

 

You are light years ahead of him and this power struggle he is trying to create is just him trying to control. I'm sorry, but your husband is a typical narcissist. It has nothing to do with you lying about visiting the ex now, it has everything to do with him having the upper hand and then blaming you for it.

 

Look, you are young and you have a good job. You know how to take care of yourself, can put a roof over your own head, car in the driveway and can put food on your own table. What can you not give yourself that a man can? The same thing a man needs from a woman, companionship, friendship, admiration, caring, love and respect.

 

Is he showing those things consistently....nope. I think the thing Forest GUMP would say...."....and I was running!!" I would be.

[Radu]

We borrowed money from my brother. I really wanted us to have a week away after the stress of arranging the wedding.

Yeah, a normal guy would have had the common sense to say 'no, let's not do loans, let's wait until i graduate and we can go together, otherwise it's more stress that is on you'.

 

My husband never disclosed any of his past relationships. Even if I asked he just didn't answer. But I felt pressurised to answer. He saw a stamp in my passport- I'd travelled to Chicago 6 months earlier to see an ex I was with for 4 years. But when he asked I said I'd gone with a friend. He didn't believe me. He said I think you went to meet an ex. I said no don't be silly. Anyway after the whole storm he said he was upset I had lied. I got that & said I'd never be dishonest with him again. And I've kept my word and will never hide anything again. It was none of his business anyway.

 

He threw me out. He said get out! Get out of my house! Give me the keys. I remember him hovering over me asking for the keys as I was packing my bag. I was sitting on my knees packing. I couldn't look up at him but I said ' no I need the keys to get my stuff, I'll leave them on the table later'. He left slamming the door. I decided not to go back home to my family but to book into a hotel for 2 nights. Can you imagine how shocked they'd be to see me back early and so broken? I couldn't do that to them.

He asked me to come back night 1 and I slept on the sofa with no pillow and no duvet. I used my coat. He attempted to sleep on the sofa 2 weeks ago after an argument. He didn't hack it for 1 hour.

What you describe gives me a vibe of 'impending physical threat'.

I also think you weren't willing to go to your family because you would have accepted failure in your marriage; i see this theme of trying to fix this marriage somehow, when there is nothing you can do to fix it.

 

Yes. He'd spend some time with me but go out for 1-2 hours each night to a shisha cafe. First he said it was because he was studying. Post exams it was just to kick back with mates. I used to go to bed, he'd wake me up when he came.

I don't think he was studying.

 

But WHY? Why is he behaving like this!?? Teach me what? He wants me to respect him and be obedient but yet he'll challenge me because he says it's weak? I'm not below him. If anything I'm ahead! Is he threatened by that perhaps? Career wise I'm 5 years ahead. I come from a loving supportive family whereas his family paid for nothing for us. I'm not even sure they're happy we're together. He was not keen on me calling his mom to say hi. He never called my family post the wedding. What kind of personality disorder is this? He told me I had one after the first fight because I had been dishonest. But I apologised and stopped. His behaviour has been consistent.

Because it creates confusion and drama, that's why you give someone conflicting answers. The mind [yours in this case] will be busy trying to figure it out when in fact there is nothing to figure out.

Maybe he does miss the more assertive you, but his basic self-absorbed nature and the fact that he achieved less than you goes in conflict with that.

Who knows, who cares ?

 

But i can tell you 2 things, he is threatened by your success, and 2) who cares what PD he has ?

They are not treatable [99% probability for treatment to fail].

And if you mention to him that you know he has a PD, he will go full blown on you, so keep quiet about this.

You cannot fix this, why do you need to invest 50k $ into renovating a barely functional car that might look good, when you can get a brand new one for 15k and also figure out in the process why you are attracted to junkers ?

 

He told me I can't change him. He questions why I changed.

I think he was completely honest.

 

I think you're right. He kept me tense. I would say things out of emotion but never thought it was insulting. He felt it was. So I kept apologising, he kept pointing out my faults. I've never had anyone tell me I constantly slip on my words, or that I'm hurtful.

Feels like you're walking on eggshells around him, right ?

 

Have you ever heard of the yes/no room, in conversational hypnosis ?

Well, you can increase the likelihood of someone saying 'yes' when otherwise they would go for no, by mentioning stuff that you know he will agree to.

It's used in sales a lot.

This works in a similar way to such a room, except now it's a 'you are guilty' room, a mindset of of this type.

And should you not accept guilt, it can be brought forward in the future ... it's ammo.

 

Ok he does not want a divorce. But he does not want me to be passive either. This is what he says is unattractive. The problem is I was trying to be what he wants/needs me to be. It's suffocating. When I was myself he would find faults. When I'm trying to be someone else I'm still at fault. I think had I been strong & stood up to his sihyte day 1 he would have stopped.

It's a no-win situation, isn't it ?

Had you stood up to him from day one, he would have dumped you, because you would have refused his reality ... either that or you would have run already.

 

If this is what he wants then I married an unkind man. I feel as if though he thinks it's me against him, maybe that I've deprived him of his bachelor life style. But this makes him an absolute idiot and low life. He chose me and asked me to marry him. Does he not consider how he has told my life upside down?

Phone calls, loving texts seem to have become a luxury towards the end.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sorry.

Now i finally see how you really are [i'm not laughing at you, it's a forced laugh at the situation].

 

You did not deprive him of anything, if anything ... he is still living the bachelor lifestyle.

He is broken, completely broken, shattered and there is no way to find congruity with him.

You will never have what you had at the beginning because [and pls understand this] 'that was forced'.

You are now seeing the real him, the real person you married.

At the beginning he was fishing for someone, for someone who is 'motherly' [it actually means doormat/enabler]. Ppl like him have an incredible ability to find ppl like you.

Now he is using [in a passive way] that picture perfect image from the beginning to keep you were you are, like the donkey that keeps going after the carrot but never catches it.

In 5yrs you will look back at the present [the now] as a better version of what your marriage will have become.

 

You think he is an idiot and a lowlife, he is neither.

He is not stupid, and he is not a lowlife, he is an instinctual predator that needs fertile ground to grow.

You are the fertile ground.

 

PS: When i was little i lived with a grandparent who was psychologically and physically abuser [grandma was also a bit abusive but mostly enabler].

It was not for long, but living with that egotistiscal bastard has made me somewhat natural at being manipulative.

I also had serious self-esteem issues, but i did not take them on others ... i just settled for much milder female versions of your husband.

 

Only recently [the last couple of yrs] i realized that i am also manipulative and worked on my attraction to unhealthy individuals [i used to go for the ice princess type].

[SoleMate]

[My husband is] attractive, funny, intelligent and strong [and also treats me like a piece of dog doo on the bottom of his shoe].

 

That's basically what this thread boils down to.

 

You married someone you hardly knew. Almost ANY r/s can be giddy with lust in the beginning.....that's a lot of fun but NOT a basis for a lasting marriage. You need to know someone and know you can each be a good companion to the other before you marry. Have justifiable confidence in each other's honesty, good faith, fairness, kindness, commitment to the marriage. Etc. You had NONE of the above.

 

There is absolutely nothing here to salvage that is worth the trouble. I recommend you talk to a lawyer and get the divorce started now. It's painful to admit you made a mistake but get it started now and it will all be over with sooner. Better a painful ending than a pain that never ends.

 

Also get immediately into IC to work on developing the skills you need, including relationship skills and understanding that having great sex with an attractive man should not be the foundation for marriage.

[TheNewMe2014]

AJ so tough.

 

My only suggestion..thought:

 

Life is short, don't spend it in a relationship where there is misery. I know, I've been through it and held on to the ideals I had and feelings I had when I got married, rather than the reality of what I lived day-to-day...and I had children.

 

It may seem like your world is ending, that he is the only one, or that you can't believe how your life turned out. But - in six months or a year, if your remove him from your life...you will be happier and you will find someone who treats you better.

 

Honestly, without kids, in ten or fifteen years you will look at this as a minor bump in the road (despite what it may seem now). "How your life turned out"? - you got a long way to go. Leave him now and your life can turn out the way you want it. Leave him in five years and you are going to have regrets and other issues that will always be a significant part of you.

[Tripz]

AJ, I'm never an advocate for divorce unless absolutely necessary. I would run, not walk, from this one. I'm actually a tad afraid for you. He seems like the type that will eventually become physically abusive. The extreme verbal abuse, especially this early in the marriage is very disturbing. He's, at the very least, a manipulator to the extent that he won't change. You cannot change him, no one can change anyone. Only people can change themselves. People think they can "fix" other people, but it's untrue. What counselor has ever changed anyone? They only show the other person what needs to be changed and that person must take the steps to make it happen.

 

My heart goes out to you and your situation. Is it possible to have your marriage nullified?

 

I do wish you the very best in this most unfortunate and difficult situation.