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Wife does not love me


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My wife and I have been married 20 years. Two boys 17 and 13. We seldom argue and seldom fight. Last June she told me she does not love me and once our youngest son leaves school in 5 years she wants us to split. She says she loves me but not like a husband more like a brother. I must admit a few years ago I thought our marriage would end because there was no spark but after 20 years I guess I had settled into our comfortable life. But now I angry and bitter inside but I hide it from her. In fact our lives may have improved since we (she) decided to end our marriage. I want to give my sons a stable home but I am so pissed off. I do not know if I want advise; I do not have any one to talk to. I am just - **** knows.

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This is terrible for you both. Have you considered doing the things you used to do when you weren't just mom and dad and doing fun stuff together? Appreciating each other as a man and woman? Do you still love her? Do you think she might be saying this so you get out of your comfort zone and fight for your marriage?

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It sounds simple, just do what you did when you first met but life moves on. Even in a successful marriage who does what they did 20 years ago. My wife is strong willed; she has decided and our marriage is over. Like I said we seldom argue seldom fight so we can stay on good terms for the boys. This is a major plus but I still feel so very bitter. Until posting on this web site I have not told any one.

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Why do you feel bitter exactly? Because she wants more than a friendship marriage or because she isn't willing to live her life with being unhappy? I mean, you don't sound happy either and if all that is left is the car payment, the kids who are leaving and residing in the same residence,why would either of you want to stay for that? I mean, if you still loved each other, really had fun together, had great sex, thought the other was loving and giving, admired the others stubbornness, etc. it would make sense to stay, but if it is just blah...why do you want to stay in this marriage or why would you be bitter about something that might benefit you both?

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She says she loves me but not like a husband more like a brother.
I'm under the impression that this evolution of feelings is 100% natural and to be expected and almost inevitable in a 20-year marriage. Perhaps you can get some spark back, if you both work hard (I'd hope). I have no place to judge, because I'm in my 20's and I'm not married. However, I feel as though people need to not ask life to do something unnatural and impossible, and then leave when it inevitably of course doesn't happen. If she needed a spark for her whole life, you two should have signed a 5-year contract, not tied the knot. I look around at the long-married couples in my family and life. NONE of them act like newly weds. Is she basing her ideas of what real life and marriage are supposed to be like off of any actual real people she knows? I don't know, if you have to always have a spark, then forget it. It's hopeless. No wonder everybody gets divorced. They didn't design us humans to do that, and we can't be superhuman. I hope to maintain loyalty to the idea of the spark in my marriage, such that I have a deeper commitment to it, long after the external flames go their course. But really, if the marriage 20 years down the road is mostly peaceful, I'll consider I've hit the jackpot. But again, I cannot judge. I haven't played round one. Good luck.
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I do not know - it is how I feel. Who wants to be alone. I am now 49. It is a lot easier to find someone when you are 39 than 49. If she did not want to be with me why did she not say so 10 years ago.

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Eggplant - thank you for your post. Best of luck with getting a 5 year contract should you ever marry. I know it is not very romantic but I think when you meet someone and love them it is very intense (I had that with my wife) but over the years that wears off. If you get on with each other you stay together if you do not you split. My wife and I get on with each other. Why are we splitting? Tonight we sat and watched the rugby together last night we went out for a meal. I know it is not The stuff of Hollywood romance but still it means a lot to me

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If she wants to split, begin giving it to her now.

 

I know that sounds heartless, but you need to start becoming independent before she leaves. Don't let her tell you that, then let her treat you like a "buddy" until she leaves.

 

Treat her civilly, especially in front of your sons, but don't watch sports with her or take her to meals. Don't make plans with her or initiate conversation. I know you want to provide a good home for your sons, but you cannot be a doormat and let this hang over your head for the next few years. She'll slowly detach from you and will, in a not mean way, take advantage if you for support and attention until she's ready to move on.

 

I don't know the details of your marriage, but the initial and intense spark comes and goes, ebbs and flows. It takes effort after the "honeymoon stage" fades away after the first year or two...and a lot of people keep it going for years by putting in a lot of hard work, until stress gets in the way or the "settle in" to a routine. You can google "fantasy bond" to see what I mean.

 

Anyways, I'd take the reigns away from her. I've seen it here on these boards...called the 180. Talk to a lawyer now. Get the ball rolling.

 

In other words, tell her the following, "You're right, we'd never work out. I'd prefer to stay married, but you're unhappy. I'll look for an apartment and talk to a lawyer next week."

 

I know it sounds weird, but it's a no-lose scenario.

 

Yes, she may fight about the boys, but they're seriously better of with departed parents that're happy than together and miserable. So, putting the idea of her fighting for their sake aside, she'll have two options - agree to the divorce now and get it over with, leaving you with your dignity...or she'll realize you're taking her seriously and actually pulling away from her voluntarily and will want to at least try to work things out.

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Lost soulmate

Hondo,

I disagree with the 180. If you want it to work and there is not another man in her life, you have 5 years to bring back the spark. I wouldn't talk to her about the saving the marriage, I would just start doing things to make it better. Do not hold resentment towards her, as that will show in your actions. People on this forum, including myself, would have liked the opportunity that you have. If you are unhappy also, but just fear being alone, then a split might be whats best for both of you. Best of luck to you.

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Thank you everyone for your advise but to be honest I do not think I need it. My marriage is over which is a great sadness to me. I am staying with my wife because of my sons. I am resentful of her because in my heart I have known that she does not love me for many years but I kidded myself that it was not true. I now want to move on with my life but I cannot. Not because of her but because our kids especially the youngest. Had she said years ago that she did not love me I think I would have moved on by now but I always hoped we would be together for ever. As I said in the original post I have no one to talk to and it was good just to say what I had to say here.

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If she wants to split, begin giving it to her now.

 

I know that sounds heartless, but you need to start becoming independent before she leaves. Don't let her tell you that, then let her treat you like a "buddy" until she leaves.

 

Treat her civilly, especially in front of your sons, but don't watch sports with her or take her to meals. Don't make plans with her or initiate conversation. I know you want to provide a good home for your sons, but you cannot be a doormat and let this hang over your head for the next few years. She'll slowly detach from you and will, in a not mean way, take advantage if you for support and attention until she's ready to move on.

 

I don't know the details of your marriage, but the initial and intense spark comes and goes, ebbs and flows. It takes effort after the "honeymoon stage" fades away after the first year or two...and a lot of people keep it going for years by putting in a lot of hard work, until stress gets in the way or the "settle in" to a routine. You can google "fantasy bond" to see what I mean.

 

Anyways, I'd take the reigns away from her. I've seen it here on these boards...called the 180. Talk to a lawyer now. Get the ball rolling.

 

In other words, tell her the following, "You're right, we'd never work out. I'd prefer to stay married, but you're unhappy. I'll look for an apartment and talk to a lawyer next week."

 

I know it sounds weird, but it's a no-lose scenario.

 

Yes, she may fight about the boys, but they're seriously better of with departed parents that're happy than together and miserable. So, putting the idea of her fighting for their sake aside, she'll have two options - agree to the divorce now and get it over with, leaving you with your dignity...or she'll realize you're taking her seriously and actually pulling away from her voluntarily and will want to at least try to work things out.

This is exactly the best advice you're ever going to get. Lawyer up, it's no longer a love affair, it's a fight. Kudo's to her for being honest about her feelings. Most don't.

 

 

Just like the two of you put your heads together and put the marriage together, put your heads together and dissolve it. Remember, there is something worse than being alone and it's being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

 

 

Take charge of this, explaining it to the Kids with her, trust me you won't be the 1st and they'll probably breathe a sigh of relief, wondering what took the two of you so long to see what they already know. Nothing is 'forever'. It's neither of your fault. You raised two Kids together, continue to do so as supportive and caring friends. Life goes on.

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