Pghsnow Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Newbie to all of this. Separated after 16 years of faithful marriage (on my part) just waiting until finances are straight to get my own place with the kids. For now sharing the house. And have been in this situation for just about a year. Fun times I'm totally over it, over him, and excited to move on. Been married since I was 19, so totally starting over. I had an 18 year old body the last time I went in a date. So the whole dating idea at 35, after a few children...well that's slightly horrifying. Career-wise, my dream was to be a wife, mother, a housewife. You say that nowadays and that makes you into a gold digger. I genuinely enjoyed the theory of cooking and making a home a refuge for my family. My ex made so many financial mistakes that i had to work and couldn't do those things. Sex hasn't been possible for years thanks to his medications. So honestly other than body image and a new routine, I'm excited for the future. I don't think I ever celebrated a Valentine's Day or anything like that for that matter. For whatever reason I don't have a heavy heart. I know I deserve better than the way I've been treated. I'm ready to live. Anyone else have experience with dating fear? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lost soulmate Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Pghsnow, My story sounds alot like yours except I'm a man. I have gone 15 years faithfully and was 20 when I got together with my ex. Never thought I would be in this situation again. I am in good shape and been told I am good looking, although right now i dont feel it. It does scare me to think I will be out there again. The world has changed so much since the last time i was single. I dont even know where to begin. The thing you have going for you is your a woman, all you have to do is look in a guys direction and it will come to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tripz Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I'd go out with you just to have fun and be a "safe" entry back into the scene. I'm in the same boat as you, a little older, but the last time I went on a "date" I was 23. I was shooting pool at a local club this past weekend and there was NO ONE there remotely close to my age, single or even halfway interesting looking. The 20 somethings looked hot though. Sucks to be old with a young mind still! Link to post Share on other sites
Lost soulmate Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Tripz, Nowadays I guess dating sites like match.com or plenty of fish are the way to go. Thats what everyone tells me to try. It just feels weird though to put yourself out there like that. Had lots of friends who had luck with it, even a few that got married. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Tripz, Nowadays I guess dating sites like match.com or plenty of fish are the way to go. Thats what everyone tells me to try. It just feels weird though to put yourself out there like that. Had lots of friends who had luck with it, even a few that got married. I've tried those, I won't do them again....met a guy on M@tch last year who was proposing before he even met me for a first date....finally went out with him and got bad vibes....refused to go out with him again. It's been 10 months and he is still stalking my L@nkedIn account. I've heard men complain that women on there were flakes too.... Look on Meetup.com for interest groups instead...not party groups, but interest ones. It's even better when you can find some worthwhile friends (despite gender) when you are making a new life for yourself. Life after divorce isn't just about dating and finding a replacement, it's about relationships, with people, with a future partner but most importantly, the one you have with yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lost soulmate Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Trippi, Thanks for your insight. I dont really feel ready yet, I just dont know how to get my mind off of things. I wish I could get this "fog" for myself, for now. It seems every other aspect of my life is suffering. I know it would only mask it, and most think it is unhealthy to rebound, I just feel I need something. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Lost soulmate - that's why you just join an interest group...it's about getting the ground back under your feet with no expectations other than making friends, and it gets your mind off of YOU and what's happening while pursuing something that interests you. It's not about "getting back in the game". I used to run a Meetup group...I saw those men and women from a mile away and they typically didn't last long. Join a bowling group if that is your interest..a photography group, a running group, a meditation group. I had a karaoke group and, unfortunately, sites like M@tch and POF polluted that as a pick up venue. I still have 160 members on FB but stepped down as the organizer a while back. I have a core group of 20 friends that mean the world to me. We do dinners together, brunches, parties at each other's houses, shopping, nights out, card games, wineries, trips and vacations...etc. And I also met a wonderful guy via those friends...not through a dating site and not directly through the meetup group. That took several years....it's not like anything happens overnight...that is up to you and how you have come along and healed on your own terms. Growing the relationship with you first, that is important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
El_Cid_Campeador Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 (edited) I'm in a similar boat as some of you guys. When I was 22 and she was 19, I met the love of my life. We got dated for 4 years, the last 2 were living together in an apartment. Then we got married when I was 26 and she was 23. Bought a house shortly thereafter, in 2005 before the market went to hell. I don't believe in soulmates but we practically have the same brain, it's scary. Neither of us ever wanted kids. She's an only child from a very quiet family. I'm from a very loud and boisterous family of five. Our social dynamics were very different growing up, but we connected nonetheless. Now I'm 34. She's 32. We had a comfortable married life with good jobs, a house, and a handful of friends. Sometimes we go out, sometimes we stay in. We were happy. So happy it was ridiculous. I guess nothing is perfect. About two weeks ago my world came crashing down. She wants out. She'd been feeling smothered by me for a while. An issue that periodically came up in our relationship. I admittedly am somewhat possessive but I never stopped her from doing what she wanted to do. But it is too late. She wants her own place. She wants me to see other people and she's becoming emotionally involved with her MARRIED co-worker. She swore they haven't slept together but said they kissed and easily could have done more. I was angry, rightly so. She was regretful and admitted a huge error in judgment. I blew the whistle on the whole almost-affair, told his wife. Now sh** is blowing up. We all work closely together (me, her, other guy, other guy's wife) at the same company. My wife and I are civil but divorce is imminent. Nearly 9 years of marriage (12.5 years together) and all the good times we had. It hurts me in the worst possible way to think of her out of my life. But she wants her freedom and I can't stop her. I probably need mine too. I'm out of town visiting my parents and some old friends I grew up with because I'm a wreck. She is gutting the house of clutter, getting a dumpster, so we can sell it in a hurry. We're both looking at apartments to begin our separate lives. She's trying to get a new job to get away from the poisonous co-worker who came onto her at her most vulnerable time. Next weekend I go back and we have to awkwardly live together for at least a couple months while the divorce paperwork goes through. Because we can't afford our mortgage AND our own places. I've been surrounding myself with friends, working out on the treadmill as much as I can. Eating better. Drinking water. Talking to my mom and sister. Etc. etc. I mean, we don't have kids so this should be a walk in the park right? Except the fact that my entire adult life has been spent romantically an sexually involved with only one woman. And she'd only been with two guys before me so it's not like she's that experienced either. Now what? How to date? I have no idea. At first, I really want just casual flings. I think maybe I need that. Not right away, as I'm emotional wreck and that's not very sexy. Plus I need to lose some weight. I'm told I'm good looking but really my wife has always been my main source of validation so it's hard to really know. My wife has a killer body and she's in better shape than she's ever been in, which makes it hard because I could stand to lose 10-20 lbs, maybe more. But I am spoiled by her awesome body. That being said, she was never particularly sexually adventurous. We pretty much stuck to the same four positions + oral sex, which, when performed on me, was only ever foreplay. I did it on her more than she on me. I'm not sure if this is too much info but it was a part of the relationship. Sex is great and did it about 1-2 times a week, but I always felt like our intellects connected in such a way that sex became merely secondary. Anyway, now I really just want to date casually. This really sucks because we are still married and my sex drive at 34 is like it was at 18. Through the damn roof! I've been working out a lot so that is probably why! But she and I can't have sex now, even if we wanted to, it would just make things worse. And we both vowed not to date until the divorce is actually down on paper and legal. After that.... I'm not opposed to "just sex"... but honestly, even for something like that I want to get to know a woman, connect with her, talk about things. Have fun together, go out, do things, eat, drink, then maybe have a marathon sex session. Not unlike what my wife and I did when we were crazy kids. I just don't have the emotional energy to go beyond that at this point. But I'm getting to the point where women in my age range, in the conservative midwest either already have kids or want kids. Good grief. I never EVER want children. And I definitely don't want to be involved with someone else's kids. I don't even like pets! I just don't. I'm almost as independent and free-spirited as my wife. The difference being... I was happy as a married PAIR of free spirits..we were partners and lovers and we traveled a TON together. She, however, felt that even marriage was too binding. At this point I just need to feel confident, validated, attractive, etc. I thought about starting to chat w/ women online and see who is out there but I feel like I shouldn't even look until the divorce is finalized. I'm as loyal as a Golden Retriever, which will probably be my undoing. I would NEVER cheat on someone. If the relationship were casual and open, I would still ask what the rules are before going after anyone else. But in a marriage? No way. I'm Agnostic, so it has nothing to do with religion. My parents merely raised me to be honest and truthful always, respect women always (which kept me from getting laid in college, lol). And it's just a bitter pill to swallow when the one woman who knows me best, who I trusted with my life, who I would have given my life FOR... breaks that trust. The only thing that keeps people civilized... is trust. Edited February 18, 2014 by El_Cid_Campeador Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Tripz, Nowadays I guess dating sites like match.com or plenty of fish are the way to go. Thats what everyone tells me to try. It just feels weird though to put yourself out there like that. Had lots of friends who had luck with it, even a few that got married. Wouldn't personally use either of these two, free sites like these are a nightmare... Maybe more secure/paid sites might be better, not gone down the date site path myself yet. Just finding me and doing things I enjoy first, might find a nice guy, might not... Try to enjoy some you time, find self happiness and your own path... The right person just might come along whilst doing so... SS x Link to post Share on other sites
Lost soulmate Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Shocked Suzie, I know what you are saying, and believe me I wish I could. I have had a lot of loss these last 2 years and my ex iced the cake. I would like to do all of the things I couldnt do while married I've just been so busy trying to get my life in order. Having to move, trying to fix up the place I'm moving to, getting finances in order, it seems like a constant reminder. Hopefully, after getting situated, I will be able to enjoy those things. It gets me though, reading here how the ones who dump or cheated or get the gigs seem to be happy or at least happier. I just want to feel that way again, if even for a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Shocked Suzie, I know what you are saying, and believe me I wish I could. I have had a lot of loss these last 2 years and my ex iced the cake. I would like to do all of the things I couldnt do while married I've just been so busy trying to get my life in order. Having to move, trying to fix up the place I'm moving to, getting finances in order, it seems like a constant reminder. Hopefully, after getting situated, I will be able to enjoy those things. It gets me though, reading here how the ones who dump or cheated or get the gigs seem to be happy or at least happier. I just want to feel that way again, if even for a little bit. I understand 100%, had the same issues... Had to move twice, nearly went bankrupt, studied and had to deal with the Ex slackness and awful behaviour in all areas. Think you are doing what I did "put WAY too much pressure on yourself too soon" let all this tidying stuff go through the motions... It has to be done, get it done... 'Break away' as swiftly as possibly, when it's done have some serious you time. That's where I am right now after 18months of crap, it feels good! Everything is falling into place slowly and I'm enjoying being single and thinking about me for a change, loving my kids and our new path Give yourself time it will happen SS x Link to post Share on other sites
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