Anxiety and Guilt. Wanting out after less than 2 years married

[wellthissucks]

So, the (not so) brief overview of my situation is that my H and I have been together for 7 years, married for 1.5, no kids. (Some of this is in my other thread, but I'm hoping for some more general feedback here)

 

About 5 years ago, we broke up for a brief period because he couldn't get/keep a job and I had been supporting him for two years and I was tired of it. Also because I felt we had no passion, though he was a good guy and I loved him. Obviously, I decided to take him back. He promised to get a job, we worked on our communication and things were pretty good.

 

Now here we are, 5 years later and married and I feel like nothing has changed. He decided to start his own business 2 years ago and I agreed because he was miserable at his job and it didn't pay that well anyway, but I made it clear that I expected him to treat it like a 9-5 job and he needed to work at it every day and he agreed. Well, that's not what happened. While he has tried to work at it, I don't feel that he's worked on it like a regular job and often spent his days screwing around on Facebook or playing video games while I worked.

 

Add to that a growing distance between us and my continually decreasing attraction to him and I'm starting to feel like this is not what I want anymore. In fact, as I'm reflecting on my relationship with him, I feel like I've always felt like this wasn't right and that I wanted to break up, but never felt like I had a good enough reason and didn't want to hurt him so I just ignored it. After all, he's a good guy, funny, never abuses or mistreats me and loves me very much. How do you walk away from that? But he's also passive aggressive, unambitious, doesn't carry his weight financially, co-dependent, tends to be critical of me when he's depressed, and gets mean when he's hurt.

 

So, here I am, trying to decide and hurting him anyway. He's not handling this well, sending me a lot of texts that vacillate between mean and pleading. He's also threatened suicide a couple of times.

 

On one hand, I haven't been happy in the past year, at least, and have felt in the back of my head that this wasn't the right relationship for much longer than that. Also, I feel like despite all our work, we're right back where we were 5 years ago with me holding all the responsibility and him not contributing at all financially. I feel like, how long do I have to wait for him to be a financial partner in this relationship, because I've been waiting 7 years and I am so tired and angry about it. Yes, he's said he'll get a job, but he said that 5 years ago. Also, even if all our other problems are solved, how do I get past the fact that I am not attracted to him anymore? Then there's the way that he's handled this and the suicide threats, which make me feel taken hostage.

 

On the other hand, it's not that I don't love him or that we don't get along, plus I don't want to hurt him. Also, I married him and I feel pressured to try to work it out because of that. How do you walk away from a marriage that's less than two years old? Part of me feels like, this is what marriage is and you just have to deal with it and work it out. After all, I guess it's not THAT BAD.

 

Every time I think maybe it's better to leave, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I am drowning in it. I'm filled with anxiety about this and don't know what to do.

[IndecisionIsTorture]

Add to that a growing distance between us and my continually decreasing attraction to him and I'm starting to feel like this is not what I want anymore. In fact, as I'm reflecting on my relationship with him, I feel like I've always felt like this wasn't right and that I wanted to break up, but never felt like I had a good enough reason and didn't want to hurt him so I just ignored it. After all, he's a good guy, funny, never abuses or mistreats me and loves me very much. How do you walk away from that? But he's also passive aggressive, unambitious, doesn't carry his weight financially, co-dependent, tends to be critical of me when he's depressed, and gets mean when he's hurt.

 

On one hand, I haven't been happy in the past year, at least, and have felt in the back of my head that this wasn't the right relationship for much longer than that. Also, I feel like despite all our work, we're right back where we were 5 years ago with me holding all the responsibility and him not contributing at all financially. I feel like, how long do I have to wait for him to be a financial partner in this relationship, because I've been waiting 7 years and I am so tired and angry about it. Yes, he's said he'll get a job, but he said that 5 years ago. Also, even if all our other problems are solved, how do I get past the fact that I am not attracted to him anymore? Then there's the way that he's handled this and the suicide threats, which make me feel taken hostage.

 

If he landed a job tomorrow that paid 6 figures and you knew he'd be successful at it and would suddenly be pulling his financial weight in the relationship....would it change how you felt towards him romantically?

 

I'm guessing it wouldn't change a thing, but would like to hear your answer.

[wellthissucks]

That is an interesting question and I wanted to take some time to reflect on it.

 

If he got a job like that tomorrow, I think it would make me stay for a while, if only because I would feel like, I didn't do all this work to not get any benefit and it's his turn to do the supporting.

 

BUT I don't think it would change the fact that I don't want to have sex with him. So there's that.

 

I just bought the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and have been reading it. So far it's given me a lot of things to think about and has clarified some things. Hopefully it will help me figure out what I really want.

 

Thank you for your feedback, your question really made me think and I appreciate that.

[cat]

 

After all, he's a good guy, funny, never abuses or mistreats me and loves me very much. How do you walk away from that? But he's also passive aggressive, unambitious, doesn't carry his weight financially, co-dependent, tends to be critical of me when he's depressed, and gets mean when he's hurt.

 

I'm not certain I have a lot to offer since I haven't been married and I make an effort to only answer to posts where I have something constructive to say... But this part really jumped out at me.

 

It's a total contradiction. I have been in an LTR with someone who was passive aggressive and critical when he's depressed and GETS MEAN WHEN HE GETS HURT (a form of passive-aggression). I just want to say that these aren't characteristics of a good guy and this IS abusive behavior and this IS mistreating you.

 

It also shows a lack of ambition about personal growth and self-awareness and improvement. These are destructive behaviors that will damage trust and tear apart the foundation of a relationship. When someone is 1) inconsistent and 2) attacks you in your vulnerable spots whenever they feel like it, you will stop showing them your emotional vulnerability and intimacy will die. It's that simple.

 

My experience has been that two people who have vastly different methods of handling conflict will struggle to have a happy relationship.

 

Since you two are married and not just in an LTR, I can't offer advice on what to do. But have you tried MC? Is he at all open to realizing that he has passive-aggressive tendencies and wanting to change? If so, it's possible that you guys can grow forward and into something good.

 

I don't know where this rant is coming from, I just totally noticed the contradiction in your initial statement and I wanted to point out that his behavior is abusive and NOT characteristics of a "good guy" as you say.

[wellthissucks]

Since you two are married and not just in an LTR, I can't offer advice on what to do. But have you tried MC? Is he at all open to realizing that he has passive-aggressive tendencies and wanting to change? If so, it's possible that you guys can grow forward and into something good.

 

I don't know where this rant is coming from, I just totally noticed the contradiction in your initial statement and I wanted to point out that his behavior is abusive and NOT characteristics of a "good guy" as you say.

 

Yes, we've done MC several time, including when we broke up the first time. His passive agressiveness was brought up, including his tendency to make himself the victim in any argument as way to put himself in a position of power. He got better about it for a long time, but is regressing.

 

I do understand what you're saying about his behavior, I guess it's just hard for me to see him that way.

 

As I stated in a previous post, I have been reading the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay and it's helping. One of the questions that it asks is something along the lines of "If God or some other omniscient being told you it was ok to leave, would you feel an overwhelming sense of relief and feel that you could finally leave?". I read this and started crying, because I know that I would. I feel like the only thing keeping me is guilt - guilt over hurting him and guilt over feeling like I'm giving up too soon on my marriage. And maybe it's true that I am, but that's not a good thing to base a marriage on.

 

So, we're still going to go to MC but I am feeling more and more that it would be better for both of us if we split up.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, we're still going to go to MC but I am feeling more and more that it would be better for both of us if we split up.

Without kids or substantial assets involved, hard to disagree. Look at it this way - you both deserve better, him to be loved and you to have someone you want willingly to give you love to. Hard to see a marital way back to that for you as things stand now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wellthissucks]

This is so hard. We had our first joint counseling session and it did not go well. A lot of fighting over stupid stuff and him claiming that I didn't give him a chance to fix the problem, which makes me mad because we broke up 5 years ago over many of these same issues so I don't know how he can claim that I didn't give him a chance.

 

I hate hurting him and I'm getting a lot of pressure to "figure it out" because we're married but does being married mean I have to resign myself to a life of sex with someone that I don't want to have sex with? Or no sex at all? I understand that sex isn't the most important part of a marriage, but it's got to have SOME importance, right? I guess it's just making me question whether I'm doing the right thing. A friend of mine told me that because we're married I have an "obligation to find happiness with him" and basically that since he doesn't beat me, I owe it to him.

 

Has anyone had sexual attraction leave and then come back? I've been struggling with my attraction to him for the last 3 years at least and was struggling with not feeling any passion for at least 2 years before that.

 

Can attraction come back after this long? If I knew how to fix this, I would. Believe me, it would be a lot easier if I could just stay with him and not feel like I'm giving up a huge part of myself to do so. I just don't know how to feel something that's not there.

 

Am I wrong to feel that a marriage with no sex isn't a marriage? I feel like that's just friendship.

[dangerous]

Hi there Well

Thanks for posting to my own thread, I'd like to return the favour as we have done similarities in our stories.

 

Your last post talks about sex. Is it really the crux? What if you had great sex, would that fix everything and make you completely happy?

 

The answer you give may not solve the big question but it may help you clarify the real issues.

[ByMyself01]

Yeah just be careful. My ex thought he wanted out of his other relationship and look now. He's asking her back after he has done and thought he didn't want her. The attraction was even non-existent too. Just be careful and make sure it's really what you want. Emotions are powerful.

[Yarrow]

This is so hard. We had our first joint counseling session and it did not go well. A lot of fighting over stupid stuff and him claiming that I didn't give him a chance to fix the problem, which makes me mad because we broke up 5 years ago over many of these same issues so I don't know how he can claim that I didn't give him a chance.

 

Shows a stunning lack of insight on his part. Going for joint counseling is you giving him a chance to fix the problem. At that point it's up to him to participate fully in the counseling or not.

 

 

Am I wrong to feel that a marriage with no sex isn't a marriage? I feel like that's just friendship.

 

At a deeper level, do you put up with your friends treating you this way? Because if you do, you need new friends.

[wellthissucks]

Thanks everyone.

 

We have actually decided to divorce. It's been really difficult, he did not handle it well at first, being really nasty to me, calling me names, threatening suicide and talking sh*t about me to our friends. We've since been able to do a lot of talking and he realized he was being a jerk and apologized and I think we'll be able to split as friends. We'll have to see how it goes.

 

It's been pretty surreal. He left and is staying with family for a while but left most of his stuff here. I'm trying to be considerate and patient but I really want his stuff out so I can start to heal and move on.

 

I don't know if it's because I've been struggling with this for so long already or because it just hasn't hit me yet, but I'm surprisingly not that upset which I find weird. I mean, I still cry randomly but most of the time I'm pretty ok. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

I appreciate everyone's input. I'm sad that it's ending like this, but I knew when I felt more annoyed than anything when I thought about reconciling with him that it was time to finally split for good. I think that we'll both be happier in the end.

[RightThere]

Although it's tough, good for you for being honest with your husband and yourself. Sometimes guys need that sledgehammer to the head type moment to wake up and realize what is going on.

 

I have to say it's refreshing to know that you figured out this relationship before confusing things with a separate relationship outside of your marriage.

 

And he will be fine.