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I broke the No Contact Rule!!! Am an Idiot !!!!


secondfailure

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I have been separated for 5 weeks now and for about a month I have had alsot not contact with her. We both had kids from a previous marriage so we dont have to talk to each other. The last time I saw her, she told me I needed to move on becasue she is so angry with me and can't see us getting back together.... Well this morning aroubnd 5Am she calls me and says I was calling to check on you.. WTF???? I was like okay... Then she knows my dad had major surgery spo I casked are yoyu calloing to check o me becasue of my dad or or are you calling to check on me. She said if I was calling to check on your dad I was have just called him... I said okay. We ended up talkiing for two hours!!!!!!! There was no arguing. She asked me if I wanted her to call and check on me and at first I said no... She preceeded to tell me what she has been doing and I did the dame thing. She went to an event that we werew supposed to attend together and I will admint I asked her did she meet any men. I told her she does not have to spare my feeleings. Of course she dsauid no. Yes I know I shoul dnot have asked (the heart does stupid things...) She asked me if I had been dating and I was honest. I said no. Although I have been talking on the phone and hanging out with someone just to not be so lonley... Then she proceeded to tell me all the things I did wrong in the marriage. I listend and I apologized for the last time.... I tld her I cant apologize anyore and I must continue to move forward. She did tell me that right now she still sfeels the same way she did 5 weeks ago. But what I dont undersrtand is why woul dshe call to check on me??? Then she asked if I wanted to come to her son's football game and I said thank you but know thank you becasue I still wrestle with us not being a family. So she accuses me of rejecting her twice during the phone call. One for telling her she does not have to call and cjeck on me and two for not going to her son's game.. Is she plahying mind games or is she just trying to see where i am in this situation. I told her I am continuing my counseling to work on my issues.. And the last thing I aksed her is where do we go from here. And she said talk to your counsling group and see what they say about me calloing to check on you.. Man I was doig so good... Why the hell did I answer the dame phone ?????????????????? It's okay to call me stupid !!!!!!!!!!!

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Try not to be so hard on yourself! You didn't say anything wrong when talking to her. I think you did surprise her, that you stood your own ground about everything. Seems like she is playing a little bit of mind games with you, and even trying to guilt trip you by saying that you shot her ideas down. Well, what did she expect would happen? I think you did the right thing by not being too eager on the phone. Next time, I would just screen the call.. :)

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I have to agree with the last post.. I think your beating yourself up over nothing. I don't think you broke the no contact, she contacted you and that is what is supposed to happen when the leaver wants out. They should be the one to contact the person they left. Its up to you if you don't want to answer at that point.

I think that she is trying to figure out where your at in this 5 week period.

If my stbx called me after being gone and no contact for 5 weeks, I wouldn't jump up and go sure, I will meet you at the game. No, someone cant just disappear for a period of time and expect that they can just come right back in your life like that...

I think she is having second thoughts and is curious about what may be. Especially by her saying to talk to your counselor about her calling to check on you.

Hold strong, keep your head up.. 5 weeks is very early and you are very raw with emotion right now.. its tough but there is light at the end of the tunnel.. Keep doing what your doing.

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Hey man, u r doing fine. You didn't even make the call! She just took you off guard - just don't pick up the phone next time. There is no reason to. You have drawn your boundaries that will help you heal and that is tough titties for her (and her son's activities). You gotta do what you gotta do. So sorry for them. But it sounds like she is the one that decided to "unblend" the family. Can't have it both ways. Yas

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I dont want anyone to think this is all her fault. Theeere was no cheating involved at all. But a lot of verbal abuse on both our parts. I have this big problem of blaming myself for all of this. Is that normal. Becasue today she said I had the biggest part in all of this. Which coul dbe true but I am tried of apologizing to God for my mistakes. Isnt it time to forgive myself? Why am I still taking up for her???

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Yes, forgive yourself. You've said sorry, if you meant it, let go and forgive yourself, then you can forgive her when you're ready. Best of luck.

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You were together a while and any person who has a conscience is going to have thoughts, regrets, questions and she may have been genuine in wanting to check on you. I know my stbx has no soul, so if something happened to my family he would not call or check on me.. but there is some feeling of caring at least on your stbx's end at least for your well being and that of your family.

 

Keep the no contact..you are just human...and take things with a grain of salt as you have been doing well and you have been honest.

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your wife is pushing the blame onto you to make herself feel better..

She needs to remember, or better yet, learn that relationships are not a one way street.. it takes two in a relationship. all you can do is for you to understand yourself, take responsibility for your side, learn from it and move on. For me, I had a hard time forgiving myself. I beat myself up which is easy to do in this situation. Ive learned my faults and learned from them and have taken action to correct myself as a person. Once I understood myself and where I was wrong, I could then forgive myself.

As far as forgiving her, that will come in time. I have not been able to bring myself to forgive my stbxw yet.. I will be able to do that in time, im still angry at the person who just walked out and died on me.. But, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. LOL

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Now it gets stranger by the minute. My mother in law called me and asked me did I want to come over and get some food... WTH??? I did. I went over asked could she pack the food up so I can take with me and i left. This is strange. She asked how I was doing and said I am doing good. I guess I was supposed to be broken down and crying for her daughter. I didnt even ask about her. What is that about?????

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Now it gets stranger by the minute. My mother in law called me and asked me did I want to come over and get some food... WTH??? I did. I went over asked could she pack the food up so I can take with me and i left. This is strange. She asked how I was doing and said I am doing good. I guess I was supposed to be broken down and crying for her daughter. I didnt even ask about her. What is that about?????

 

 

Hi,

 

 

This is what I have been calling the, "Weirdness."

 

 

Like you, my STBXW left me suddenly; but, I have been contacted by her every day for the last 2 months since I decided to go 180 and work on me. She says we won't be getting back together (I didn't ask! - but she said this as soon as my counselling ended), but she is happy to be friendly/friends (we have a daughter so fair enough).

 

 

However, she has shown she still cares about me and has said she will always be here for me even if I need a guarantor for a flat once I move out of this room I have at a family members' house - limited time whilst I apply for jobs (interviews but no golden ticket yet!!). She has said she will help me where she can and even gets our little one to say, "Get well soon, Daddy" - have been ill for past week - and she even looks for changes I am making to the extreme of if I've had my tattoos added to, or if I am seeing anyone. Why does she want to know this? Why does she show she cares when she left me?

 

 

I have come to the conclusion: They miss you and still have feelings for you.

 

 

However, it's more than likely a case of wanting you in their life without being with you - no hard feelings. After a breakup, your relationship with an ex heads in one of several directions with outcomes later of: friends, avoidance, or reconciliation.

 

 

Signs they still have feelings for you include:

 

 

1. They avoid dating or date secretly, and tell people not to tell you, to spare your feelings (my ex does this!)

2. They call you more than a regular friend (yep!)

3. They speak in soft, warm tones with you (yes!)

4. They talk about feelings and the past relationship (...!)

5. They want to know what you've been doing (yep!)

6. They try to tie up loose ends like what could have been different, who's fault it was, etc.,. (Oh yes! And we all know who's fault it was...it was ours!!!)

7. They look for changes in behaviour, character and test us with things like invitations, fake arguments, false information, etc., just to see our reactions.

8. The anger goes and they are laughing with you again

 

That being said, they then also turn back to being distant and cold until the next time they're missing you. I just make this encounter positive, humorous and listen to what she wants to talk about.

 

They may be having doubts and second thoughts, not quite sure if over really means over. They ebb and flow, their thoughts are of "what if's" and "have I done the right thing?"

 

 

It seems to be a case of doubts: I love you, but I can't be with you. Curious about changes. Interested in if you can actually change and looking for proof you haven't and can't. 75% "I did the right thing"; 25% "I'm not sure and may have been wrong".

Edited by MrE_UK
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