Peachy Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 I welcome any and all feedback regarding this post.... I posted under 'Infidelity' and have only gotten one response...so here goes again. I have been married to a good man for over 20 years and have 3 children, the youngest is 10 years old. My two other children are 16 and 21. I have generally had a pretty decent marriage until the last 5 years. My husband has never cheated on me and never been abusive. He turned into a total workaholic about 5 years ago...when he wasn't traveling for his job, he was at work, on the cell phone or on the laptop computer. I tried on many occassions to voice my unhappiness and guess that I just did not complain loud enough ( I am not making excuses for my poor behavior). Well...in the fall I attended my class reunion and came back into contact with a very old friend. (My husband did not attend with me because he was busy taking care of his families' prolblems...a whole other story) so I went by myself. I wore my wedding rings, as I should, and did not hide the fact that I was married. Even though the last few years have not been particularly happy for me. Well...one thing led to another and in the last several months I got involved with my old friend. I was with him two times only. I have been contemplating divorce and have actually filed. My husband and I agreed on everything, the problem is that I just keep bouncing back and forth. In many ways, I am very remorseful for my lack of self control and the fact that I broke my vows. In other ways I feel that I have basically been a single parent for the last few years and finally got tired of it. I have developed very strong feelings for the other person (who is single) but am so torn. A very significant person in my life told me that they have seen my husband pay more attention to me in the last several months then he did in the last 20 years! I feel awful that I have put my family through this and do not expect to have my cake and eat it too! My husband swears that if I stay he will do what is right on his side. My problem is that I am afraid to leave and I am afraid to stay. Every time I use my cell phone it is an interrogation, if he gets upset he tells me to go ahead and leave. The other thing that worries me is that the feelings I have for the other person are unlike any I have experienced before. (I know that is cliche' but true). I have tried to reignite the romantic life with my husband to see if the spark is still there but I just do not feel it like before. (maybe it is my feeling guilty, I do not know) We have never had a problem in that area before, I am just not interested. I know that old saying about loving someone, but not being in love, maybe that is true? I know that I love him and I had 3 great children with him but I do not know what to do. A separation is not possible, I have to decide fast because of many other reasons. Every time my divorce is about to be finalized, I stop it. I know that I am scared of the unknown and I worry that if things don't work out that my husband may never want me back. I have screwed things up to the point that if I stay, I am toast and if I leave...well? I do not know if truly another can forgive you and what about me? I have spent the last 20 years raising my family, now when do I get some kind of life. A close family member of mine was tragically killed in recent years and I kind of feel that you only live once. You should try to find love and some kind of happiness? I am sooo very torn. Please no flamers but good tell it like it is advice would sure be appreciated. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
MelanieinTx Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 It sounds like you are confused and torn about everything. Sit down and ask yourself if staying with your husband would be worth it. Could the two of you work things out? Five/ten years from now would the two of you be in better shape than you are now - would you be happy? Don't trust your feelings you're having with this "friend" on the side - that's just lust and the excitement of it all is making you confused. He's seeing you - a married woman and you are cheating on your husband. Not a good basis for a relationship. If this relationship didn't work out would you be all alone wishing you were still married to your husband? Sit down and make a list of pros and cons of staying/leaving, etc. Go with your gut instinct - I'm sure it's already telling you what to do - you're just not listening to it. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
pitprincess Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Originally posted by Peachy I welcome any and all feedback regarding this post.... A very significant person in my life told me that they have seen my husband pay more attention to me in the last several months then he did in the last 20 years! Your husband is trying to find something to make you happy with him once again now that he see's a change in you. My husband swears that if I stay he will do what is right on his side. You have to let him know that untill you deal with your emotional stats that you can't tell him what he can and cant do to make things right. My problem is that I am afraid to leave and I am afraid to stay. You have to make up your mind if you stay that your staying because you do love your husband and want to save your life together as husband and wife. I know that old saying about loving someone, but not being in love, maybe that is true? [color=red]I know that I love him [/color]and I had 3 great children with him but I do not know what to do. A separation is not possible, I have to decide fast because of many other reasons. Every time my divorce is about to be finalized, I stop it. I know that I am scared of the unknown and I worry that if things don't work out that my husband may never want me back. I have screwed things up to the point that if I stay, This in my Op is wrong. This strikes me as your wanting to go... but your not so sure how things will work out with the other man. You want your Husband to tell you that he will still be there for you when your ready to come home and it is not fair to him. I know you feel that life right now isnt fair to you but this is really wrong I do not know if truly another can forgive you and what about me? I have spent the last 20 years raising my family, now when do I get some kind of life. A close family member of mine was tragically killed in recent years and I kind of feel that you only live once. You should try to find love and some kind of happiness? I am sooo very torn. Please no flamers but good tell it like it is advice would sure be appreciated. You have said in your post that you love your husband, I believe that you do.. Look in your heart... read your post again.. read it several times.. You will see what your heart is wanting. I wish you all the best and hope you and your family will be together again and this time for good. God Bless Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Peachy Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 Thank you for the reply. The pro/con list is a very good idea. I am so very torn and confused, that is true. Today my father told me to be careful in whatever I decide..he said it is possible if I stay that I will be on a leash the rest of my life. I do not want to live that way. My husband says that I want a crystal ball to predict the future. He has told me that he will have a line waiting for him if I decide to leave and that he will not sit by the window waiting for me to come back. I know that I have hurt him deeply and for that I am truly sorry. He is a good person and I do love him but I am not sure how I feel about the future. All things considered he believes that the marriage breaking up is almost totally because of my involvement with someone else and I have tried to explain that maybe things have not been so wonderful if we got to this point. I also wonder if this did not come out, things probably would never have changed and I would still be unhappy. Maybe what I feel is just someone paying me attention to me and who knows is he will be around later? Maybe so...maybe not. But will my husband trust me again....he had me 'bugged' so I would tell him and now I do not trust him either.??? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts