kurtsl0an Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 i will try and summarize as much as possible. i'm 28 and have been married to my wife for over 8 years (got married when i was 20 and she was 18). we have 2 perfect girls who are 4 and 7. i left my wife last year because of being unhappy and unsatisified with our entire relationship. we fought almost everyday about almost everything you can think of. we started fighting on our wedding night and haven't stopped since. we filed for a divorce but haven't completed it yet. i've been living on my own in an apartment since last august. we share custody of the kids 50/50. i get them two days a week and every other fri/sat/sun, as does she. since leaving, my relationship with my kids has grown immensely, and we are extremely close. my 7 year old has adapted to it, and seems okay with the arrangment. my 4 year old has her moments of sadness, asking me if it's okay if mommy moves in with us. it hurts me greatly to hear her talk like that. here's my problem: my wife and i have been talking more lately and just decided to give it another go. it's just, i'm not sure i really want to for all the right reasons. i know she loves me, and really don't think i would ever find someone to love me unconditionally the way she does. she's a great girl but i have never been able to give her everything she wanted, and still feel i won't be able to. i've enjoyed living alone/with my kids for these past 10 months, but i think i'm to scared to finalize the divorce. i think about her finding someone else and THINK i would be okay with. the thing i KNOW i wouldn't be okay with is some other guy having a relationship with my children. i couldn't stand to hear stories about how mom and mr. x did this or that - it would seriously crush me. so, should i just go back to my wife and bear the unhappiness with my wife? i've tried to be brief, so i've left out many of the reasons i left my wife in the first place - just know they were plentiful but didn't include adultery or anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 should i just go back to my wife and bear the unhappiness with my wife? Of course not. What a strange thing to contemplate. You said that your relationship with your children has improved immensely since you left your wife & that you are happier living alone than with her. just decided to give it another go. it's just, i'm not sure i really want to for all the right reasons Then right from the starting block you are being dishonest to your wife about your feelings & about the reasons why you've decided to give it another go. The only valids reasons you should be going back to your wife are because you love her & you want to have a successful & happy marriage with this woman. If you do return to your marriage with the mindset that you've displayed in your post it's only going to fail again, and fail spectacularily. Why would you do that, not only to your wife, but to your children? Think of the disappointment for them when Mom & Dad split up a second time. What will you be teaching them about marriage & committment? i KNOW i wouldn't be okay with is some other guy having a relationship with my children. So you will jeopardise your happiness, your relationship with your children & your wife's right to have a happy loving marriage because YOU have a problem with the fact that she may find another man in her life? You do know that that is incredibly selfish? i couldn't stand to hear stories about how mom and mr. x did this or that - it would seriously crush me. That is your problem, not your wife's & certainly not your children's. What exactly are you so afraid of? You have joint custody. Your children aren't suddenly going to stop loving their Daddy. There are plenty of support groups out there for divorced fathers. Perhaps you should look some of them up. I'm sure there are many men who have had the same feelings & have had to work through them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kurtsl0an Posted June 1, 2004 Author Share Posted June 1, 2004 Thank you very much for the response. I know my entire situation is selfish I hate the whole ordeal and just want my kids to be eternally happy. I also feel terrible for what I've put my wife through. What am I supposed to do? She loves me and even after being away for nearly a year still wants me to come back. My family (and hers) are all divorced. I don't have one member in my entire family that hasn't been divorced at least once. I think it's in my blood.....I cannot make it. I know that giving it another go with my mindset will never work. That's why I'm here, trying to change it. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 If you haven't already been to counseling, either individually or together, I think you should try that before finalizing the divorce. I think you should try everything you can to have a happy marriage when there are children involved. If it is not possible to have a marriage where you are not constantly fighting, then the children are better off if you are divorced. You might consider counseling for yourself in any case, if you truly want to change your mindset. If this marriage does not work out, then you might want to think about the effect your current thinking might have on future relationships. Also, counseling might help if you do get divorced, to help you come to terms with your changing relationship with your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kurtsl0an Posted June 1, 2004 Author Share Posted June 1, 2004 We went to counseling before and after I left. We went individually and together. I stopped going when my counselor told me we should have never gotten married. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 I think it would be a mistake to go back if you're not 100% enthusiastic. You sound far from that! Imagine putting your younger daughter through that again - you get back together and end up leaving again because you're miserable. I would come clean with your wife and tell her what you're thinking and feeling. It's not fair to go back with the attitude that you will just suffer in silence. She deserves someone who loves her. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 Children, unlike partners, don't switch their love and loyalty from one person to another. Rather, they can love you and some other guy - and even a new wife of yours - without shortchanging anybody. In fact, it's often to their benefit to have even more people loving them. Go on with your life and if you can't manage to deal with the thought of them loving somebody else too, get counselling. Nothing will change - your kids will always love you. Link to post Share on other sites
ready2moveon26 Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 Please for the sake of your wife and children do not go back. If you aren't 100% sure you love her as a husband should love a wife...don't go back. It will be fine for a while, but things will go right back to the way they were. This happened to me...I took my husband back (read my posts) and thing were good for a while, but things went right back to and even worse than they were before we seperated the first time. You can love your wife and I am sure she loves you but if you don't love one another compleletly, then don't do it. I am speaking from experience (the one in your wife's shoes) and it will hurt everyone even more when you split up again. I know how hard it is to "trust" someone else with your children, but if your wife is a good mother, she will not chose someone that will not love the children as much as they love her. You both have to agree completly in this situation. It's better to remain friends and be there for one another to help one another get on with your lives. It's ok with me that my husband and I aren't together, as long as we're friends and we're both there for our daughter, it doesn't matter. I do not particularly like the girl my husband has now, but I know she is good to my daughter and my husband and that is all that really matters to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted June 2, 2004 Share Posted June 2, 2004 i left my wife last year because of being unhappy and unsatisified with our entire relationship. we fought almost everyday about almost everything you can think of. we started fighting on our wedding night and haven't stopped since. I'm interpreting this as no serious (alcholism, drugs, abuse, adultery) mishaps have befallen you. Well, you were both young when you married, but I must guess there was some reason you did it at the time? From my readings you might be surprised to hear as I was that there are MANY people in the same boat you are in. Since you've already been to counselling, you might try Dr. Phil's "RELATIONSHIP RESCUE." Although I've found him somewhat simplistic, (e.g. you feel "unhappy" then get over it), there is also a lot that makes sence and is reflected in the posts within this thread. For example, you'll need to heal yourself one way or another whether or not you remain married or not. The fact is, you've a 70% chance of making the same mistake twice. Link to post Share on other sites
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