I Left Her to Start Afresh - Am I rushing it?

[jamesuk]

2 months ago I left my wife after 20 years. Our kids are 18 and 19.

 

I had been wanting to leave for many years - but fear of the unknown and the effect on the kids always stopped me.

 

Now I have no regrets except that my wife has to pick up the pieces or her life.

 

My plan was to 'be my own person' and 'find my soul-mate'.

 

The first two weeks were very difficult for me - lonely, isolated, confused. Didn't want to eat, stressed with work, sleeping poorly etc.

 

I had signed up to an internet dating site as soon as I left. I believed that what I needed was a new girlfriend - someone to enjoy my new life with and to just hold me. Someone to be with.

 

I started to email a very cute woman. We became obsessive via email and phone. We had a first date. I really liked her. I feel wonderful. But the days following she sent a series of messages saying leave me alone. I cried.

 

Two weeks pass and I email and phone another girl. Over 3 weeks we meet 3 times spending most of the day together. I go round one evening. We kiss, passionately. She invites me back for the weekend.

 

I can barely think of anything else other than her. I just about manage to do my job OK. I go round on the Friday night. She lies in my arms. We move into a passionate physical time. She has a beautiful body but I don't get really turned on. The next night is similar. She obviously enjoys the sex - I can't seem to get properly turned on!

 

On Sunday morning she tells me that she likes my company and hugs - and she wanted something physical but doesn't think we have that special something. So it's goodbye!

 

Now I am crying again over this girl !!!

 

And now the questions:

 

After a long relationship it can take time to move on. But I left so that I could find 'the one' - so is it sensible to try yet?

 

For me, now, the crisis seems to be the unhappiness of being alone, the way a new potential partner takes over my thoughts and the pain of any rejection. Should I just keep looking or struggle on alone until I am 'better'?

 

If I find someone where we both click then I think I will feel great.

 

And finally, why was the sex so very disappointing for me? I guess my body is telling me something .... is it hidden guilt or just stress?

 

Thanks for listening,

 

James

[KirkCamp]

I had a few questions. I realize you weren't happy in your marriage - did you go through counseling, what did you try to do together to try to keep things together ? Were you both wanting to not go forward or was this your decision and she didn't expect it ? I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering these things - if you don't think your current problems have to do with your marriage and the way you sound like you are trying to end it, you're just kidding yourself.

 

As far as dating ANYONE right now, you will have to start very slow and go very steady. I know Mars and Venus On A Date (here I go mentioning that book again ) helped me to set up a plan to do this and why it's important - it's really just common sense. You are establishing a pattern, rushing into the passion and the sex but you forget one thing missing - love, which is essential for finding your soul mate and comes before intimacy if the intimacy is ever going to work out. In my own life, dating someone seperated where she was seperated for a few years and very close to the divorce part, I rushed into intimacy since it felt right and everything just SMASH ! hit the wall even if it was great. You will never find what you're looking for until you are honest with yourself, realize that you cannot rush into anything especially after you have just gotten seperated.

 

Be a good example to your kids if you're not getting along with your wife - what do you think they think of this behavior and you're agian kidding yourself if you don't think they're aware of things. I'll pray for you, I suggest you do the same and if your marriage will end where neither of you want to work on it, ending it the right way is the ONLY way you will even come close to finding what you want. Not exactly the rosiest advice I can give but something you might want to think about nonetheless .

[jamesuk]

Kirkcamp - thanks for you prompt and helpful reply.

what did you try to do together to try to keep things together ?

Over years we had become very good at sorting out problems. BUT I wonder whether I ever loved her. We started dating when I was 16. Then I thought she was great. Kids came quick and we just got locked in.

Were you both wanting to not go forward or was this your decision and she didn't expect it ?

I told her one day that I wanted to try living on my own.

 

I think you're right about going slow and steady. The second girl got under my skin. I believe that I was falling in love with her. I didn't actually want sex at that stage (yes, really!!!). It was wonderful to hold her. The best part of sharing her bed was simply to watch her while she slept.

 

What scares me is that I start falling for these women so fast. And then get so upset when it fails! How do I stop myself getting so carried away?

 

She suggested I get a teddy bear ...

 

I will look up the book. You're right about the kids, too (although one is away at college now).

 

My wife and I are still on reasonable terms.

[KirkCamp]

Well, really, you have to realize what a woman sees you as - a man on the rebound hence the teddy bear comment although that was kind of rude. My best advice is do right by your wife, you've spent half your life with her. Put the amount of effort you're putting into finding someone else to be your soul mate, love of your life, whatever...take that and put it into your marriage. What can it actually hurt ? Think of how you look to your wife, the woman you have spent more than half your life with - does that not bother you at all and don't you think your crying has more to do on some level with what you had with her once upon a time and lost somehow? Love comes and goes, you won't find whatever you've had with someone for 20 years unless you get extremely lucky. Find what you've had, dude - find what you've lost. Good luck on your work ahead, just don't put your energy into a short term payoff when you could have something you've either never had or had so long ago with your wife that you've forgotten about it. Think about it, Kirk

[jamesuk]

If I went back to my wife it would ony provide a friendship. I don't find her attractive, in the last 10 years I felt happier when she wasn't around, she is very controlling, posessive, jealous etc etc .

 

I wanted her when I was a teenager. But for many years I have hung around out of duty and inertia.

 

I have never been unfaithful, but she always said if I ever slept with another woman it would be the end. Having separated and slept with someone else I have probably burnt my bridges.

 

I am sure this route is right - although I agree it is based on a gamble that I will find someone else that is a better match. But staying with the wrong woman just seems wrong.

 

Maybe I fall in love too easily - that's what happened with my wife and is being repeated agian with these dates...

[Karlise13]

You say you've been with your wife since 16???

 

Hmm, kind of makes sense.

 

Now that you're free, it's almost like you've regressed to that teenage kid again. YOu have all those wild emotions, the huge highs and the low lows.

 

Realistically, I'd say you have a lot of emotional work to do before you're really going to be ready for a serious, committed relationship with a soulmate.

 

You're taking things very fast with these women, hardly getting to know them at all.

 

The obsessive thoughts, mile-long emails and phone calls.....all sound very much the way a much younger person behaves.

 

NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I'm not judging. It's just that you haven't had much dating experience in your life. Over time (give it a few years) I think you will learn to really connect with a woman in a real way.

 

In the meantime, maybe you can be more casual about things (I don't mean be crass and nasty and screw everything in a skirt) but maybe just take it slower.

[jamesuk]

OK so a better plan would probably be to make sure my life has enough work/hobby/sport/friends stuff and keep dating as a part of that.

 

Maybe I will have to go through the cycle of meeting - excitement - disappointment a few times. Then, perhaps, I won't be so likely to get so serious so quick and also be able to cope better when things don't work out.

 

It may be worse because we have met through online dating - there is an agenda from day one - to find a partner. So you cut out any phase of working out what the other is looking for.

 

Thanks, guys, this is really helping me to think about myself.

 

It's useful for you to question and probe and make me think about what I want etc.

[TempSain]

Do you think its really best to jump right into another relationship?

Maybe you should date many women and kind do some causual things before just jumping into the sack with everyone you meet.

I know if I was divorced, I would just focus on myself and just enjoy being free.

Better to keep your options opened at all times rather than have someone that can potentially hold you down.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Maria46]

You need to take a time out. Learn to be comfortable living by yourself. Go out with friends and enjoy their company, but don't try to jump back into some serious relationship as you are not ready yet.

 

I know it is very hard to be alone after a very long relationship. Join some clubs, volunteer and try to keep yourself busy. Read some books about changes after a divorce.

 

I did what you are doing after I was divorced 16 years ago. I was really lonely. But what I ended up with was not what I needed. I had to take a step back and take some time to see who I was and what I needed.

 

You will do fine!

 

Good luck!

[jamesuk]

Thanks for your input.

 

I am not trying to jump into the sack with anyone.

 

I don't want to rush things - I am learning more about the stages I should go through.

 

I have felt disconnected from my wife for many years - for many years planning to leave, certainly every year for the last 8 years.

 

The new girl and I have agreed to see each other as friends and take things more slowly. We are both like each other's company and get on well. She left her partner 2 years ago (who was also very controlling like mine) and probably knows where I am better than I do.

 

Her teddy bear suggestion was based on her own experience - something to cuddle in bed - she even lent me hers!

 

I know that this could just be a rebound for me - I will try to evaluate how I am doing and keep it in check.

Of course she may be just right for me.

 

I am also doing the friends and looking at other activities too.

[sportsloving]

Divorce takes time to get over, no matter how long the relationship was really over.

 

I have read where you said that you weren't quite ready for the physical, other than to cuddle and lay next to her, even watching her sleeping. You should also have told her this ... anxiety about physcial relations can and will affect you during, and therefore placing even more anxiety and stress on yourself. She will understand and it will relieve the pressure off yourself.

 

Take your time, get to know her, and remember that rarely are you going to find the "right" one for you with the first, second or even tenth person you meet. Don't be willing to settle just because you feel lonely, make sure of what you want, need and desire in your life.

 

Good luck to you and I wish you the best~

[jamesuk]

Thanks sportsloving - your message really spoke straight to me.

 

I wasn't anxious about being physical. In fact the slow build up was beautiful.

But, something prevented me from becoming really turned on. I know she enjoyed it though and I was completely satisfied just pleasing her.

 

I am not really too worried about the physical side of things at all. At the moment I am off sex - gentle intimacy is all I would like. I was just surprised how erotically unexcited I was to be in bed with this beautiful girl. But I loved being there. I just imagined that the usual 'red-blooded male' thing would just take over. I always imagined sex with a new person would be exciting just because it was new! I think I have to come to terms with being very intimate with someone new - and this of course must be part of taking things nice and slow!

Don't be willing to settle just because you feel lonely,

That also helps me to gain a little more perspective - in that I may just be falling for the first close relationship. Not having to 'settle' for someone implies that I have a choice and that I owe it to myself to choose carefully and slowly.

[TempSain]

1 more word of advice.

Ever think about getting a dog?

Dogs are great for people that live alone.

They can help you at times when you feel alone.

They give you a sense of importance because they need you to take care of them.

Try it and you might just be suprised at how much it may help.