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I need to stay out of his divorce drama


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thetandahlia

I have been dating my boyfriend for about ten months now. I knew him for a while before that and he was married. He and his wife (she is legally still his wife) had separated once and got back together only to call it quits before deciding to end the relationship. We started dating each other honestly not to long after he left her. Throughout the relationship any major fights that we have had have been around the divorce drama. She likes to try to antagonize both him and myself and it has caused issues. Thankfully we have been able to get past them. We even almost broke up. A lot has happened over this.

 

Well anyways once he paid her the money she asked for in their agreement, she got served with the divorce papers. She calld my boyfriend and proceeded to flip out on him, swore she wasn't going to even look at them, and she also called me out of my name as well (this is not the first time).

 

My boyfriend said she had called him from a fake number and I wanted to see was it any of the multiple numbers unknown to me that had been calling me prior to that (she has contacted me several times in the past). He thought I wanted to see her number so I can call her and start harassing her. Then he changed the password to his phone (he was always very open about his password, he gave it to me willingly before without my asking). He told me that even though he is not being as open with me, that doesn't mean that things have changed or that he doesn't trust me. I told him I was upset because he feels like i would try to cause drama and contact her. I would never do that because I have never done it before, even when SHE has harassed me.

 

He got annoyed with me because I told him I felt like he didn't trust me. He told me that's not what he was trying to say and that's not what he meant. He says its to protect me from her crap. Eventually I told him, "look, I'm just going to back off. I can't say anything to you or even express myself without it causing problems." But the thing is, he wants me to be involved as he feels we are a team. When I told him that I was backing off, he said that I was causing problems???? So, how do I back away from all of this **** without him thinking he has lost a support system?

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TaraMaiden

You two guys need counselling, for a couple of reasons:

You need to work out a way to communicate effectively, without it turning into a sparring contest.

 

You both need to realise you're on the same side here; working towards a common goal.

Being together.

 

You also need to try to establish - via a counsellor - what the best and most effective way of dealing with his ex- would be. For both of you.

 

But as things are, if you're not careful, this whole mess will rip you apart.

And that would be a shame; to have come this far, and lose sight of what it is you're together for.

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Why would he feel the need to protect you? Does he think you aren't capable of protecting yourself?

 

I'd stay out of it until his D is final.

 

Tell him when it's final - to call you. It's an emotional roller coaster you shouldn't wish to be on.

 

It's HIS to handle - including you in his past and all his crap isn't right - he needs to stand on his own two feet and be a man who gets things done on his own.

 

 

I'd tell him "see you on the flip side - get divorcED!".

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I'd stay out of it until his D is final.

Exactly. He's not your BF, he's her husband as witnessed by the drama he still has with her.

 

Very simple solution. Don't date married men...

 

Mr. Lucky

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imtooconfused
I'd stay out of it until his D is final.

 

I agree with this assessment but for completely different reasons...

 

By the way this thread is misplaced. It has nothing to do with "divorce" but the trust between the two partners who are dating.

 

I say you should give your BF space because you are not being a good partner to him right now. The issue could be a hundred other things that he needs support on (death of a family member, loss of a job, etc.) and I think you would happily be there for him to the end of the earth. But just because the issue with which he needs support just happens to be another woman, his soon to be ex-wife, your self-protection mechanism kicks in and your trust of him drops to zero. Because of this, he doesn't really have any support, a rock upon which he can safely lean. The firm ground that he thought he was standing on has shifted to sand. That will do nothing to get him through this time in his life and it doesn't look very healthy for the future.

 

Be there for him, or give him space to find someone who will.

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