should the voluminous woman singing on the toilet s@#t or get off the pot?

[bagaba]

Well here goes....I just started reading this site the other day and have come to really appreciate the objective consensus a forum can provide on some really personal issues.

 

Mine goes like this: married 11 years last Saturday, have three wonderful kids (ages 6,3,2) and am going through a separation. Without getting into the gory details, although I will if it helps understand each spouse's position, we both want what's best for the kids (first question - knowing nothing else, what's best for the kids??), we're all in the same house, doing what we've done for so long and what the kids are used to and expect, but not having any kind of satisfactory relationship with each other especially since kid #1 was born. her issues with me are: she can't rely or depend on me in times of crisis, doesn't feel safe, I haven't initiated intimacy, I've acted like I don't care, she has had to take care of me, take care of most everything, basically kept everything afloat for the past few years. As a result, she's lost any feelings for me, has feelings for someone else and is pretty sure feelings for me would be pretty hard to recreate at this point.

 

My point of view: again, without going into the gory details is that I've been incredibly frustrated with her inability to reason through any other opinion other than that of her own. If she believes something one way, it therefore is and if you dispute it, you're discounting it. Playing by these rules means all the little issues of the day become subjective to her vision of the world and if you don't play by the rules there's hell to pay. It sounds petty but over time, I found myself second and third guessing every comment responding in ways suitable to her and not what I really felt but wanting to avoid yet another melodramatic "episode". I can only say that many friends and family who've know my wife a long time have confessed that they could never live with someone like that.

 

So it's been a lot of hard work. we've had regular fights about things that people wouldn't even consciously think to fight about. is the sky blue? not sure. no. yes. **** you. As of this minute, our bottom line looks like this: her: I've been so bad that I'm not sure I can ever love you again and I'm in love with this other guy in Belgium and his wife's okay with it and that won't end because it's helping me through this "difficult" time and it's really none of your business because we're separated and they've invited me and the kids to come stay with them and they're also okay with an open marriage and I can't agree to say no to that...I'm sorry, for me it's twilight zone music at this point. him: so the reason I'm writing is to pose a question - is there a sliver of hope for this relationship??

 

Thank you, in advance!

[moimeme]

Boy, you sound a lot like another fellow from LS.

 

In your case, it wasn't a good situation for starters but the Belgian guy really is a problem.

 

You can read through <URL removed> They do suggest it's possible for one partner to try to rekindle the marriage. Sounds like one heck of an uphill battle, but if you don't want to quit without having tried everything, it's worth a read.

[bagaba]

thanks for the response. I re-read my post and there's a slight error..her: IT'S been so bad, not I've been so bad. she hasn't done anything "other guy" bad up to this point.

[Wolvesbaned]

bagaba,

 

Wow. Your summary sure sounds familiar to me, I'm sure a lot of others can relate too. I apologize in advance for not responding to your question in a way you probably hoped for. But to answer your question, if you're still willing to work things out, there is still hope.

 

I agree about the twilight-zone music though. The Belgian guy and his open-marriage/invitation to your wife + kids is a little freaky. But anything before that is almost logical (hence me relating): She does everything --> She feels unappreciated --> She's emotional --> You can't stand the melodrama --> She finds someone else

 

You'd be surprised how common these transition of events really do occur. My advice: Buy the book called "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman -- you can buy it used on Amazon for $5. It's an old book, though not written prettily, is very practical and helpful. It'll help you show your wife you love her in the ways she prefers.

 

While you're at it, buy this book for your wife: "The Don't Sweat Guide for Couples : 100 Ways to Be More Intimate, Loving, and Stress-Free in Your Relationship" by Richard Carlson --you can find it $4 used. It's a tiny little book, its written vaguely but is extremely helpful. Because the chapters are less than a page long, it doesn't boggle you down (especially at this time of stress). When she's done reading it, you might check it out yourself.

 

If you're still willing, I see hope. Truly figure out what you want and what's best for both of you. Figuring things out takes open communication -- this kind of talk takes time and planning on both your parts. Whatever you do, work it out together. What you may think is right for the two of you might not be what she wants or vice versa.

 

Good luck to you! Keep us updated.

[bagaba]

thank you very much for the responses. I've heard really good things about Marriage Builders and will spend more time there.

 

We both feel wronged and essentially have established conditions moving forward. Hers is primarily that we can stay together and she's open to trying to work things out but she's ademant that it's not very promising at this point. And the big catcher is that she be allowed to find emotional support and love elsewhere since I haven't been providing it at home and "I'm not taking anything away from you since you're not providing it in the first place". Her catch phrase is.. you brought us here, I hope you're enjoying the view. She's also stated that she's forgiven me across the board. My view is that much of why we're here rests in her lap as well and that any chance we have of improving or fixing our situation would require serious introspection on both sides and a commitment to modify our behavior accordingly. Deep down, I would be fine moving on because it's been a very hard relationship to be in and I don't have this undying love at all costs feeling. I do believe, I'm sure rather naively, that with some modification and commitment we can give each other what we both desperately need and want: LOVE. I'm also wondering how much things like job loss, financial stress, kid stress, etc. ultimately play a role in hurting the situation. We've had all of it, as many people do, and it does take its toll.

 

Thanks again for continued perspective..

[moimeme]

Definitely read the 'Love Languages' book too, then. It's good stuff and makes a heap of sense. And good luck to you both!

[Kriz]

Sure, blame the Belgian guy....