My wife cheated during sepeartion and I did not know until now

[tko]

When I got married I was in a working 9 to 5 and living a normal married life. But after being laid off for too many times I decided to go back to school and getting a bachelor’s degree. My wife and I agreed it was the best thing for our future. The first 3 years were OK, but the last year became increasingly more intense due to financial pressures and lack of time to be together. I was a full time student, working 24 hours a week and volunteering 15 hours a week to make ends meet. I thought I was sacrificing my time for our future. This resulted in my wife & me spending less time together. I thought this was temporary and would be resolved as soon as I graduated and got a normal schedule again.

 

My wife informed me about 2 months before graduation that she would separate as soon as I graduated. I saw this as an impending doom and could not really fathom it as she was the love of my life and the reason for all my sacrifice and hard work. As soon as I graduated she moved out to a friend’s house and told me not to contact her at all. No phone calls, no mail etc. I pursued her through the mail for 9 months and had no idea if she read my love letters as I was still very much in love with her.

 

After graduation I immediately got a good job and had a lot of free time. I was heart-broken, but knew deep down that my wife still loved me. She started coming around after 9 months and I was fearful of her for breaking my heart again. I did not know her intentions. We courted and I accepted her back and we now have 2 kids.

 

Now, I have found out that she immediately had an affair after we separated and it lasted for 3-5 months. I never knew this before. We are both white and her boyfriend was a black guy. She began having sex with him on the 2nd date and she did not really date him, she just “hung out” with him. She claims it was no big deal and that we were separated, so it was OK. She had sex with him every time they met. I did not know any of this information before. I know it was a long time ago, but I do not know if I made the right decision. I am heart-broken again.

 

My marriage has been good, but sex has always not been enough for me. Now I find out this information and I feel awful.

[hope&pray]

You have got to get through this. Find help for yourself if you need. You saved your marriage once, and it is worth it to do it again. Divorce/seperation is the answer. Yeah it sucks she had sex with somebody else. But you have to be able to get over it somehow. I didn' t chaet and I believe my wife when she says there isn't anybody else. But we are seperating.

 

Also how long ago was it?

If you love her do everything to make it work again.

[tko]

this was eight years ago. I just found out a month ago. It is old news to my wife, but is fresh and new information to me. I do love her, but maybe not as much as before. This is an old scar on my heart, that has been re-opened. If it were not for the kids, I would leave.

[hope&pray]

Time is suppose to heal all wounds and it hopefully will heal this one. Just think if you leave and the marriage ends and time does heal your wound, you won't have her anymore and probably won't be able to get her back.

Let her know you are hurting and work through it.

[HT_Nut]

8 years is a lifetime ago. Things were different then, dynamics were different.

 

How was your marriage going the day before you found out and how has it been since you reconciled after the separation.

 

How did you find out? Did she tell you?

 

The other thing you need to think about is; she's with you now. She comes home to you and apparantly loves you. Separations cause all kinds of things to happen, there's anger, bitterness, arrogance etc.

 

I would cut her a break and just let it go; go on and be happy you got her back after the separation.

[tko]

I know it was a long time ago & that gives me some peace. My marriage has been good, although the passion has not been there since we reconciled or the frequency... I think she probably felt guilty this whole time. I don't understand how she could be so passionate with a stranger, but not with me. In my mind I can understand why it happened and make sense of it. However, the scar on my heart is very painful again.

 

I asked her point blank about all the details of our separation....something I had never done before. I don't know why I never asked her. I still love her, but it is different now. I don't know if I can love her like I used to.

 

I do not understand how she could leave me...not know if she loved me...have an affair so quickly after we separated....realize she loved me again..and come back as if nothing she did was wrong... what am I missing??

I think she should have told me about her affair when she was having it, so I could have made more informed decisions at the time.

[HT_Nut]

Believe me, I know the feeling well!

 

First of all, never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to. But that cat is already out of the bag.

 

I would seek counseling for the both of you ASAP. I really don't think this is a marriage breaker and if you want to save it, I think you can. But you won't be able to between the two of you. You need outside help.

 

I will say that if her lack of frequency or intensity is not like it was before, and you really do think it's guilt causing it. That's a GREAT thing. The worst thing a person can do to me is justify a bad choice. It just tells me that if put in that frame of mind again, they may make the same bad choice. Remorse is an awesome comforter that she would never do anything like that again. Bottom line is: she's back, learned a very valuable lesson, and wants to be with you.

 

Man I know it hurts because it's fresh to you; she's been living with it for 8 years. You both have opened up a dialog that can go one of two ways. You can split or you can stay.

 

There's a couple of books I would recommend to you: On is "After the affair" and the other is "Relationship Rescue". Something caused the separation in the first place. If you ignore what originally caused it, even though it was so long ago, it may rear its ugly head again. These two books will help you guys along in getting past this thing.

 

The odd thing is, in her guilt, she may be blaming you for what happened. Wierd as it sounds, there was some behavior that caused a split, that behavior caused her to do what she did and now she has to live with it. I'm not saying that's right, it's just a feeling and feelings can't be wrong or right, they just are. It's not an intentional feeling. It's just there sometimes.

 

So, the first thing you need to do is get in yourself and really think if you can get past this at some point. Only YOU know that for sure. If you think you can, then get some help to get you there. Marital problems this deep don't just go away; eventually they rear their head again in a passive agressive kind of way. Her lack of passion and frequency may be just that. A passive agressive way to get back at you because maybe she still blames you for putting her in that situation. AGAIN, it's not an intentional feeling and it's nothing she can really help herself.

[tko]

thank you for the insight...your words have given me comfort.

 

I would rather fix this again than start over with someone new....and I owe making it work to my innocent children...

I wish I could forget about it..I seem to be obsessing about it. I look forward to the day when it does not bother me so much.

 

Have an appointment with a marriage counselor soon, so I hope it helps

[HT_Nut]

I would rather fix this again than start over with someone new....and I owe making it work to my innocent children...

I wish I could forget about it..I seem to be obsessing about it. I look forward to the day when it does not bother me so much.

 

It will. That's for sure. One day this will all be old news. I know, it's easy for someone else to tell you. Right now, you are probably looking for that one thing that will make it all go away. But it isn't there.

 

I've heard that both partners have a part in an affair. Granted, the final judgement call comes down to the one who makes the choice to cheat. But, there has to be some kind of breakdown long before that happens and both have to take ownership of that. In one of those books, it talks about sharing your feeling of betrayal in a non accusitory way. Something like this: "Honey, I know that what has happened has been a disasterous thing. I don't know how it got to the point it got; but I do recognize my part in it and I apologize for that."

 

If you can accept that you had a part in the breakdown, no matter how small a part, and can really come to this realization in you; then share that with her. If her guilt is as I mentioned, thinking you in some way forced her into that situation, I think the floodgates will open and the healing can start. It's forgiveness, understanding and compassion.

 

But you really have to believe that you had some responsibility in causing the separation.

[tko]

I have read "After the Affair" and have found it useful. I accept my responsibility for the breakdown in communication that lead to the seperation. I understand my contibutuion to her unhaapiness. I was extremely busy with my schedule...did not have the time to apprecite her etc......I have put together a quick list of my contribution to the sepeartion and her affair.

 

 

• I love her

• I will forgive her

• I accept blame

• I made her fell Unloved

• I made her feel Unwanted

• I made her feel bad

• I did not listen

• I neglected her

• I failed to see how bad she felt

• I lost her and did not know

• I had chances to change my behavior and I didn’t

• I love her

• I will forgive her

• She did not do it to me

• She was depressed

 

Even if some scars may remain, we forgive and forget and move on, carrying inside those scars from the past -- scars which are the expression of our very essence, reminding us who we are and which battles have been fought and overcome.

 

I read this and it helps me for awhile...and I know that she loves me

[HT_Nut]

Well, it sounds like you are way ahead in this then. I think it's great that you have already accepted those facts. Most people have a hard time getting to that point. But you are already there.

 

Have you said these things to your wife? Does she know that you accept part of the responsibility? It may ease her guilt to know that.

[tko]

I have told her, but I still have a lot of anger and pain that I cannot seem to get past right now..I am on an emotional roller-coaster. At times I see things very clearly and forgive her....and at other times I feel very angry and confused.

[HT_Nut]

You may want to see your Dr and maybe get something that will stabilize those emotions. In a volitile situation, when the anger comes out, things can be said that can't be taken back and worsen the situation. It's kind of like being in a drunken stupor. There ain't nutin wrong with taking something like Paxil, or Zoloft for a while. It keeps your mind where it should be.

[tko]

My problem is that I am not a forgiving person and never have been. I am attempting to forgive her, but unfortunately I have found out too much hurtful data about her relationship that I will not easily get past. I have lost some respect for her. I understand my contribution that led her to the affair & am working on being a forgiving person.