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My Husband cheated with his child's mother...Should I leave???


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Searchingforpeace

I have been married to my husband for 6 years, separated for 8 months and have filed for divorce. Out of our entire marriage he has work 30% of the time so I have carried most of the load. He has an 8 year old daughter and 2 years ago cheated on me with her mother and she became pregnant. I have been shown a test from her saying the child is his and one from him saying the child is not his. He said it was only that 1 time during our marriage and a few times while we were dating. Her story is that is has been constant. Because of his lack of work I have had to bail him out of jail twice because he couldn't pay child support. Recently my tax refund was taken and given to her to pay his back child support and he has had my bank account garnished by creditors. On top of everything he is a pathological liar. He says he only lies when he is caught in a situation. To try to even out things he is a great father to our son and says that he is really sorry and really wants to make things work and I want to believe him. I have sacrificed so much for this man and really loved him in spite of everything but I think I deserve someone who will sacrifice for me and love me the same. It is evident that I should leave but I don't hate him. He has a way of making people feel sorry and bad for him because he is a quiet person. I question everything he says and will never know if he or his child's mother is telling the truth. Should I continue with my divorce??? Please help :(

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amaysngrace

Why wouldn't you continue with it?

 

He's not going to be a very good role model to your son if he can't keep down a job or pay his bills and lies and cheats.

 

He's not really that great of a dad and he sounds like a lousy husband.

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dreamingoftigers

Yes, run, good God.

 

And yeah the kid is 99% his. Really. He's the parhological liar that only still continues when caught. You don't think he'd minimize his cheating?

 

And if course he'll put you at risk for all sorts of diseases.

Ugh. BTDT.

 

Bailing him out if jail, having your account garnished. Honey he's a total user.

 

That's what he is: a life-sucking user. And yes I sure he's a "great father" and "nice guy." If he was a miserable user that never gave you any inkling of hope for the future and hope of being truly loved, you would have left a long time ago and stayed gone.

 

But as it is, he lies and plays ball just enough to make you think he's putting in "an effort" or starting to "learn" about his issues or "trying" to make things work. This cycle can go on FOREVER if you let it.

 

Quite frankly I had a friend who repeated this cycle with so many guys it's just :sick:

 

Let me guess: he was like the total happy, well-adjusted, well-rounded, take responsibility guy in the beginning. Pretty much too good to be true and then bit by bit he sat back and didn't put as much in and started being entitled to things because "you're my wife." but he didn't step up as the husband but instead sat back on his expectant as*?

Right?

 

Having your account garnished shows just how much he's entitled to what's yours. Taking you tax return? Ditto.

 

And does he act all "well if you wouldn't spy on me or nag me or blame me or leave the cap off of the toothpaste......"? Because he takes maybe 5% of the responsibility he needs to take to maintain a marriage or relationship?

 

ANY of this smell familiar to you?

Did you have "sooo much in common" in the beginning and now you can't find much in common at all?

 

I can't tell you how many times I've seen this pattern (and experienced it in my own marriage). :sick:

 

Honey you've been separated EIGHT months. Has the world collapsed? Has he stepped up and made some MAJOR changes that are verifiable and could move mountains? You aren't selling us a great case for running back to him.

 

Is he even working a job he won't dispose of 30 seconds after you get back in the door?

 

I'd say go for marital counseling and see what happens BUT since he's a pathological list and user, he'd be great for showing up at MC and "talking the talk" which does nothing for anybody, anywhere except him. MC would just serve as a practice run for more manipulation.

 

Just GTFO before you donate more years to this. Or keep pouring energy, time and money to someone who is almost entirely parasitical. How much more time and investment does this guy need before he can act like an adult and husband? I would guess that like most who have this pattern that it would be infinite because he gets what he wants from others. And has no issue with that. So, why, if everyone will hand it out after being pushed a bit, would he change that at all? It works for him. And if you truly meant that much to him he would've stopped leeching off of you and built you up YEARS ago.

 

I think it hurts worse to not mean much more than a meal ticket and a few tears to someone you've put your whole life toward. But it happens. And now you know what to watch for. Life is short and you KNOW that this guy doesn't have the maturity and foresight to "get it" and figure out that he's the problem, not the whole rest of the world or whatever the "excuse of the week" is.

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stillafool
I have been married to my husband for 6 years, separated for 8 months and have filed for divorce. Out of our entire marriage he has work 30% of the time so I have carried most of the load. He has an 8 year old daughter and 2 years ago cheated on me with her mother and she became pregnant. I have been shown a test from her saying the child is his and one from him saying the child is not his. He said it was only that 1 time during our marriage and a few times while we were dating. Her story is that is has been constant. Because of his lack of work I have had to bail him out of jail twice because he couldn't pay child support. Recently my tax refund was taken and given to her to pay his back child support and he has had my bank account garnished by creditors. On top of everything he is a pathological liar. He says he only lies when he is caught in a situation. To try to even out things he is a great father to our son and says that he is really sorry and really wants to make things work and I want to believe him. I have sacrificed so much for this man and really loved him in spite of everything but I think I deserve someone who will sacrifice for me and love me the same. It is evident that I should leave but I don't hate him. He has a way of making people feel sorry and bad for him because he is a quiet person. I question everything he says and will never know if he or his child's mother is telling the truth. Should I continue with my divorce??? Please help :(

 

Yes as quickly as humanly possible. He hardly works, has 2 kids by another woman and is a pathological liar. I'm surprised that you even have to ask if you should divorce him. You should be at the attorneys office right now. He will never change and you are wasting your life. Just because you divorce him does not mean your son has to divorce him. Get rid of this dude immediately.

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TaraMaiden

I could not add anything that would say it better than the three above posts.

 

Cannot understand why you're even asking the question, honestly.

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Searchingforpeace

I appreciate everyone's comments. It's really more of I need validation. Plenty of people have told me to run but then I have people like my parents that have been married 30 years and say try to work it out but of course they have NEVER been through this much in their 30 years. I know I am worth more than that...THANK YOU!

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If you don't have kids with him, I'd say run away, and don't look back. Why re-commit yourself to a marriage that he's already crippled through his actions? Cut yourself loose from him, devote a healthy chunk of time to yourself and to rebuilding your life, and get back out there. In the long run, you'll be way happier.

 

All the best...

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amaysngrace
I appreciate everyone's comments. It's really more of I need validation. Plenty of people have told me to run but then I have people like my parents that have been married 30 years and say try to work it out but of course they have NEVER been through this much in their 30 years. I know I am worth more than that...THANK YOU!

 

That's unfortunate that your parents tell you to work it out.

 

It was only a couple of years into my marriage when one day my dad said to me, "if he brings you divorce papers, you sign them baby".

 

It meant the world to me.

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Continue with your divorce.

Since you have a child together, it's best that you don't hate each other, since you will have to spend time together. That doesn't mean you should stay together. All of this is too much to deal with in a marriage, and if you remain married to him, you're putting yourself and your child in financial peril. Once you're divorced, at least your assets will be safe from him.

I don't see why his ex would lie and say they had an ongoing affair if they didn't. I mean it's possible, but unlikely. The fact that he admitted he had cheated with her a few times while you were dating (which is a time when he should've been the most committed to you) and then after you got married, doesn't bode well. If you were going to forgive someone for cheating, I think it would have to have happened after a long period of stress and fighting, not at the beginning of a relationship. As his ex-wife and mother to his kid, he will continue to see her, and you will never really know if their affair has stopped.

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I have been married to my husband for 6 years, separated for 8 months and have filed for divorce. Out of our entire marriage he has work 30% of the time so I have carried most of the load. He has an 8 year old daughter and 2 years ago cheated on me with her mother and she became pregnant. I have been shown a test from her saying the child is his and one from him saying the child is not his. He said it was only that 1 time during our marriage and a few times while we were dating. Her story is that is has been constant. Because of his lack of work I have had to bail him out of jail twice because he couldn't pay child support. Recently my tax refund was taken and given to her to pay his back child support and he has had my bank account garnished by creditors. On top of everything he is a pathological liar. He says he only lies when he is caught in a situation.

 

 

To try to even out things he is a great father to our son and says that he is really sorry and really wants to make things work and I want to believe him. [/Quote]

 

You believe a pathological liar?

 

No he is not a great father, read what you said about him in the first quote.

 

I have sacrificed so much for this man and really loved him in spite of everything but I think I deserve someone who will sacrifice for me and love me the same. It is evident that I should leave but I don't hate him. He has a way of making people feel sorry and bad for him because he is a quiet person. I question everything he says and will never know if he or his child's mother is telling the truth. Should I continue with my divorce??? Please help

 

You need a therapist to help you figure out why you prefer abusive relationships. Maybe you and his ex could go together, she surely needs the same thing.

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Recently my tax refund was taken and given to her to pay his back child support and he has had my bank account garnished by creditors

 

You are a willing victim if what you say is fact. There exists an "innocent spouse" IRS filing status. That resolves your IRS refund.

 

Your bank account being attached to his debt isn't legal either.

Either you've signed onto his debt or you haven't.

 

Bailing him out on a purge bond for back child support IF he

is employed 30% of the time is on you.

 

Stop being a willing victim.

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To try to even out things he is a great father to our son

Is he a being great father when he's in jail, unemployed, lying to you and sleeping with his ex? Love is as much a verb we demonstrate through our actions as it is a noun with feelings...

 

Mr. Lucky

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