need some advice on dating a seperated woman or dating her when she is more ready

[KirkCamp]

Hi, I have been divorced for three years myself in a situation where my ex wife was the one who initiated it and was trying to break the land speed record for getting divorced the quickest - painful but I gave a lot in the relationship so I didn't fight it and have moved on. I have been fortunate enough to meet someone recently who is going through a thorny divorce where she was seperated for a few years already and decided to file for a divorce when she found out positively about his adultery. For the most part, she's moved on but now he is being difficult towards the end to her (he is out of country and has been for a few years) which obviously is affecting her in a bad way.

 

I have kind of figured out how to approach things and that being a friend is first and foremost what she needs right now, which I let her know in an e-mail recently as well. Since I have not been the best at the beginning dating thing anyway (heart on my sleeve and not sure when to say things), I was wondering if anyone could point me towards some advice on dating a seperated woman or even something where a man can understand a little more about someone going into hibernation mode, popping up "no strings attached and no expectations" out of the blue and things like that. I've searched on the Internet but can't find a lot that has helped. We've just started getting to know one another, I have some idea on how I feel and some idea on how to approach things but being told to "relax" and "take it slow" are foreign ideas where I need to learn the language a little better - I try but it's taking me a while to get there without Cliff Notes Plus, it's different in that I was the one who was left in a completely different kind of divorce and am not sure what to do in this situation.

 

Her actions say things are great, the words I think will take a while which is o.k. I care about her a lot, just don't want to do anything too stupid and am perfectly fine with being a friend until she is fully ready to date and being here if she needs me to be (I should point out, she has dated for almost a year before we hd met but I'm getting the feeling I've had the most potential). She's been on vacation for a few weeks so I took a crash course in patience and am running out of distractions here. Any help would be appreciated.

[shamen]

You already know the answer to this question: patience. You said it over and over in your post.

 

When you feel like it's time, you'll know it. She's already been dating, but things are bad right now with her ex. Be there for her when she needs you.

 

Don't extend yourself as a prospect until you feel comfortable that she's comfortable with it.

 

When to do it exactly? Now that's the crux of the problem, eh? It's practically impossible to say with some sort of a time line... just keep doing what you're doing and when she stops talking so much about her ex, then you'll know that she might be ready to date again for real. As opposed to just casually dating, no?

 

Patience, patience, patience. And you might need to wait some more. Don't pop out anything like, "No strings attached," because that's obviously not what you want, is it?

[KirkCamp]

Thanks for the reply...I'm finding it easier to be more patient now than i was before which I never expected and haven't really been able to do with anyone else - it's only been 2 weeks but for me, this is a big deal. She was actually the one who mentioned "no strings attached" and "no expectations" just to set things straight, which I am guessing was a reflex considering whatever the soon to be ex did to hurt her (as a man, I don't understand that last minute power trip in the process of a divorce since I'm not like that). I actually went out and got Mars and Venus On A Date (and yes, I read the first book of his voluntarily) which seems to be o.k. and helps the natural insecurities that pop up due to the past. The tough part for me is a. we have discussed our feelings for each other in detail and due to this guy, I am not sure what and when to say things when I talk with her again since she suddenly feels that she shouldn't date anyone at all and put them through this even if they're willing like me to stand on the sidelines a little bit and b. I don't think she's used to asking a man how he feels about things since this 2 weeks would probably be going smoother if she just talked to me about things bothering her. Come hell or high water, I intend to stick with letting her know I'm there for her if she needs me and just shut up for once which is something I have to kind of work on anyhow I wish women came with signs that said "don't take me saying this too seriously" and "Hey, dummy - pay attention now !" - it's really tough to figure out the grain of sand thing Of course, men would have signs too like "You'll probably get more out of me by asking me the right way" and " I'm not saying anything because I really don't have an answer for you - honest !" Keep the replies coming, from what I can tell seperation is very tough on a lot of people and I'm sure I'm not the only one just completely bewildered at times like this.

[shamen]

Are the quotes that you mentioned in your post from the book? They were really funny (and oh so true)!

 

Maybe she really does actually need some time to not date anyone right now. I personally am saying that to all of my friends (and anyone who acts interested) because that's truly how I feel. Honestly. I am a month and a half out of a 3 1/2 year relationship and in my mid 30s. Before that, a 2 year one. So no, I'm not ready.

 

But yeah, sometimes we, as people, don't always say what we feel. Sooooo... that's why I mentioned the part about waiting until she's not talking about the ex so much. That's usually a good sign that they're ready.

 

So sorry! I thought that you meant you had said those things (no strings)! She's the one going into hibernation mode... got it. I do this too! Yes, it certainly might make things easier to talk about what's going on and do things with people, but sometimes this is just too hard. I find that sometimes I know that, "I don't want to see anyone right now because god knows that I'll talk too much about the break up or something silly or stupid and then I'll look like an idiot, which I certainly don't want to do, especially in front of someone that I may be interested in." You get the jist of it. I'll bet you that that is what she's thinking too.

 

When she's ready to talk, she'll come to you. Keep letting her know that you're there for her; she doesn't want to feel abandoned by you as a friend. But don't overcall or email. You don't want to appear overly clingy right now. My two cents.

 

You all have already had the talk about how you feel for each other, that's great! Now, just wait it out a little while longer.

 

PS... Paragraph breaks make the post easier to read.

[KirkCamp]

Thank you again Not used to posting to forums but I'll format this better. I never looked at it that way, that she's afraid she'll repel me or something. I sent the last e-mail before she left - it was a "red flag" thing where she signed on and off quick of AOL, I impulsively called thinking the other shoe might unexpectedly drop and she was answering the door with someone who she clearly didn't want knowing she was talking to a guy. If that hadn't happened i.e. I hadn't been impulsive, I am guessing I wouldn't be so anxious. I'm a big secret from her little girl and her relatives which I can understand, I've just decided since I have gotten no "e-mails of doom" or phone calls telling me things are bad, I'll just not mention it. Not sure if I should even mention it at all considering she is seperated, that part's tricky.

 

After I spend a week or so hinking, I then sent a Hallmark e-mail with the little dancing guys that mentioned patience and that if she needed me, I'd be there for her (plus that I'm a man of my word). It's hard for men to grasp the concept that they have to be chosen since everything else suggests being strong and confident will be a big turn on. I don't think that's the case most of the time, it being a turn on. And to try to be modest, they're my sayings - if I made a shirt that said "But I'm not him" and on the back "And I will never be him", I'd own the internet Being a good guy (or trying to be) kind of gets you down when you never seem to find a good dating experience and see every chucklehead with women hanging all over them, I guess. Thanks for sharing, though, I feel bad for anyone feeling like they have to hibernate. I would say that if you do know someone is immportant to you, faith and trust will get anyone far and if you prep a man the right way (i.e. make him feel important), he usually will listen - I know I would and she knows I've listend already to things

[shamen]

Hey Kirk,

 

How are things going? Have you talked to her?

 

I didn't totally understand the first part of your post? Did you call her because she didn't IM you when she was online? Then you got freaked out? Don't worry about that stuff. Inconsequential.

 

I bet that she really liked the card! I certainly would have!

 

There's a big difference between being strong and confident and being too pushy. Just a thought. I like strong and confident men (not big muscles) who are ready to accept my boundaries. It sounds like you are trying hard to respect hers while also being there for her. Good for you!

[KirkCamp]

Haven't heard from her yet, shamen - might be where she had mentioned 2 weeks and I didn't hear it. yes, it was one of those things where she signed on and off quick - it's inconsequential but obviously, a little unnerving considering sometimes that means someone is running from you. I have since calmed down - you all probaly know how ghosts of the past affect the future, huh ?

 

By the way, I have found that John Grey's book, Mars and Venus On A Date is very helpful - 2 days and I'm on p. 210 . Decided after years of being the guy who tries to solve the world with my words that I will shut up and sit back i.e. trying very hard not to be pushy and be patient. I have figured out that even if she brings it down to friendship level or worse, wants to walk away from all men, my offer still stands regardless since she is an amazing woman that I haven't met the likes of in a long time if really ever

 

If you've seen any of my reply posts since I registered here, I am finding it more comfortable to talk about religous things as well as more intimate things and didn't feel this way a month ago. Sometimes, someone comes along and just inexplicably changes you where you are a better person, the kind you always wanted to be but never got there on your own. I don't know what's going to happen but with all the pain and suffering I've read about on this site, I hope people read a book like this, maybe it will give hope when you don't know what to do. Of course, turning to God doesn't hurt either since no one is a superhero but that's just my humble opinion Any women who have been seperated and ran into problems dating would be helpful to hear from - it has to be really tough for those who know they're not going back to the marriage but are still hurt by the partner's actions towards the end. I guess I might have gotten off lucky that way during my record time seperation / divorce, all I had to do was hide my phone bills for 3 months

[Matilda]

Hi,

 

I divorced my first husband about 10 years ago, and we were seperated about 2 years before the divorce was final. I also had a young child. My current husband and I started dating a few months before the divorce was final. I didn't date anybody else during that time.

 

It was a long time ago, but I do remember that my first priority was my child. If I could date someone during a time when my ex had my child then fine. If the person I was dating didn't want to deal with that, then I just wouldn't date them. I didn't want my child to have a bunch of different men, coming in and out of her life. I wanted to make sure that if I did introduce her to a male friend of mine, that it would be someone who would be around for a long time.

 

Luckily, my current husband was very patient with me, and waited until I was ready to introduce my child to him. But it took a while. I also didn't want to involve my current husband in my divorce issues, it just didn't seem fair to him. I felt much better once the divorce was final. But really for me, it wasn't my ex that was the big issue, but my child.

[KirkCamp]

Just to update if anyone is curious, I called and left a message with her babysitter since I guess she got back sometime before. Hadn't heard anything for about a week so I stressed friendship over everythign else, mentioned a book I had read and my intentions towards her if she does decide to date again and reiterating that I'm there for her if she needs me. She sent an e-mail back that was nice, said what I thought already which is that she wasn't ready at all right now until some things got done. Said she would contact me "when the time comes", which is nice for a man to hear no matter what - requested no e-mails even though I did reply a short one so she knew I was o.k. but also respecting her wishes. That book, Mars and Venus On A Date helped me out a lot as far as how to handle things like this and I'm kind of glad I went through this pins and needles stuff for about a month since it's helped me as a person. Plus, I think it gave a good impression on her as far as who I am and if it ends up where we never get together (which would be a damned shame), the next time she won't have been wounded by anything I did.

 

No matter what, men - always be fair and responsible to women and don't take cheap shots at them through a divorce, I can tell you firsthand it causes so much damage and makes the rest of us look like trolls. I know women hurt men, too but I was raised to be the best man I could ever be and it onyl took 36 years to fully appreciate that Kirk