Jump to content

I just don't see the point in trying anymore.


Recommended Posts

I have been married for three years, and it has been a struggle from the beginning. You name it, and we've been through it. Now it feels like the only bond we ever developed was over our struggles and problems, and not our triumphs nor the lessons we learned. It's like we're being held together by scar tissue, and to be honest, fear over how much worse it could be. I mean, if two people who do love each other can screw it up so bad, what hope do we have on our own or with someone else?

 

I'm not sure where it all went wrong. When we were dating, it seemed that we wanted the same things out of life and that we supported what the other wanted to be. We were young, but we knew we wanted a life together, we wanted his son to be a part of it, and we wanted kids of our own. Somewhere along the line, things changed. He thinks that I've changed--I think I've just grown up. Either way, it's very clear that we've grown apart.

 

We don't share the same goals. We don't share the same views on money or kids. He's not happy where I want to be, and I'm not happy where we're at. The worst thing for me is that he refuses to talk about any of it. As soon as an issue arises, he puts a wall up and acts like I'm harassing him for pushing it. Tonight, we fought and he left because I wanted to talk about our finances. Nothing accusatory--I'm just feeling stressed about it and wanted a sympathetic ear. He'd rather just ignore it until it goes away for awhile and comes back and explodes so he can say he can't deal with it anymore and leave and come back and do it all over again. Then I continue to bear the burden of all our problems and mistakes alone.

 

We haven't been to counseling. Since he won't even talk about our problems with me, why would he do it in front of a stranger? If he doesn't want kids, counseling won't make him want kids. If he doesn't want to buckle down, save up, and buy a house, then a therapist can't make him do that. And a therapist can't make me forget that those things matter to me, and that at one point, they mattered to him, too. It doesn't feel right to leave without trying every thing I can, but is it really worth the time, effort and money when we differ on so many fundamental things? I don't think he's a bad person. I don't think I'm a bad person. I know I love him, and it won't be easy, but I feel like I'm wasting time.

 

Anyone have any insight?

Link to post
Share on other sites

We haven't been to counseling. Since he won't even talk about our problems with me, why would he do it in front of a stranger? If he doesn't want kids, counseling won't make him want kids. If he doesn't want to buckle down, save up, and buy a house, then a therapist can't make him do that. And a therapist can't make me forget that those things matter to me, and that at one point, they mattered to him, too. It doesn't feel right to leave without trying every thing I can, but is it really worth the time, effort and money when we differ on so many fundamental things? I don't think he's a bad person. I don't think I'm a bad person. I know I love him, and it won't be easy, but I feel like I'm wasting time.

Anyone have any insight?

 

As happens a lot, i read this paragraph and see marriage becoming a business dealing, "Am I receiving enough return on my investment".

 

Don't get me wrong, everything you have listed there is very important, but how those desires are communicated counts for a lot as well, if someone came to me and laid things out like that, I would have serious concerns of my own.

 

You say you know you love him, that is the foundation. Planning a family, buying a home, your financial future, etc. are important parts of the marriage, but they are stories built above the foundation. As weight is added above, the foundation has to be maintained and strengthened to support it. Make sense?

 

 

 

TOJAZ

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

I read his thread.

 

Honey, you've got a "Stonewaller."

 

"Stonewalling" and running are the two poison pills a man can give a woman on a marriage.

 

He doesn't get that because he's conflict-avoidant. He'll run or explode on the HINT of trouble.

 

Which leads me to ask: overbearing mother?

I usually have seen a correlation.

 

A lot of these men gave been shamed out of their feelings and made to be the childhood vessels of their parent's emotional toxicity.

 

The running, hiding and exploding are all coping mechanisms learned in childhood to deal with the unpleasantness of feeling trapped.

 

I would honestly suggest that if he won't go to marital counseling that you go to personal counseling.

 

I had to learn through harsh lessons to leave my husband alone to fall on his face by himself. It has taken a LOT of patience and shutting my mouth.

 

He's learned some hard lessons from it.

 

He now is far more likely to consider my opinion.

 

If you want to try to fight for the marriage, after 50 posts and 1 month, you get personal messaging privileges on this site, I wouldn't mind PMing you considering your thread is being monitored by him.

 

By the way, have you tried meditation? It tales a lot of effort to center yourself when you have an unstable mate. Either way, you'll need to develop some heavy-duty coping skills to deal with the situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well...I don't know what to say anymore. I guess my question has been answered for me. Thanks to you both for your advice. I wasn't looking to misrepresent anything; I was just trying to get an objective opinion on a problem as I saw it. And I did get that, so again, thank you.

 

Tojaz, before I saw what this post had turned into, I was really thinking about what you had said. In fact, you told me exactly what I wanted to hear--that I was wrong, and it wasn't beyond saving. If it seems like I think of relationships and people as investments, then it's because I do. I know it's wrong. I don't know how it happened, and I don't want to be that way. Just this morning, I was thinking that I could put all of our goals on the back burner and use the immediate future to reconnect, to learn how to talk to each other, to learn how to be happy with each other again, then maybe we could figure out where we fit in the long term. But our problems clearly run much deeper than that, and I don't think I'll have the opportunity to try. It really is a shame, because things weren't always this bad. They weren't even this bad last week. In fact, 95% of the time, we get along just fine, but I don't think that either of us can handle the 5% of the time when everything blows up and the resulting feelings of isolation and resentment that never really go away.

 

And dreamingoftigers, thank you for your words. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, and I know it's frustrating. There's a lot of truth to what you've said, except I don't think it's his mom. She's great. I also recognize that I could've handled it better. I could've been more patient. I could've pulled back and kept my mouth shut. I could've chosen my battles more wisely. I could've done what you did and give him a chance to see that I really was looking out for the both of us. At this point, though, I don't think it's a matter of wanting or not wanting to fight for my marriage anymore. We're both tired. And I would love to pm you and to talk to someone. Right now, I think I should lie low and figure out how to move forward.

 

Thanks again.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Tojaz, before I saw what this post had turned into, I was really thinking about what you had said. In fact, you told me exactly what I wanted to hear--that I was wrong, and it wasn't beyond saving. If it seems like I think of relationships and people as investments, then it's because I do. I know it's wrong. I don't know how it happened, and I don't want to be that way. Just this morning, I was thinking that I could put all of our goals on the back burner and use the immediate future to reconnect, to learn how to talk to each other, to learn how to be happy with each other again, then maybe we could figure out where we fit in the long term. But our problems clearly run much deeper than that, and I don't think I'll have the opportunity to try. It really is a shame, because things weren't always this bad. They weren't even this bad last week. In fact, 95% of the time, we get along just fine, but I don't think that either of us can handle the 5% of the time when everything blows up and the resulting feelings of isolation and resentment that never really go away.

 

The purpose of my post wasn't to point a finger or anything like that, i have no doubt he is far from a saint in this as well, he's just not here to talk to so i can only speak to what little you have shared with us. I'm not saying you are "wrong" nor am i saying you are "right" thats not for me or anyone else to say. I would like to think it is not beyond saving, but doing that would mean shifting your focus from your goals and putting it back on strengthening your relationship at it's core with out the weight of all that you feel you haven't accomplished hanging over you. The achieving of goals will never define a relationship.

 

Blci, I think that's something that comes up in any relationship, it's hard not to at times, everyone likes to feel like they are progressing and moving forward, and even more so they want to have something to show for that. To carry the analogy a step forward, it is all too common for people to stress about paint colors in their living room and to ignore walls crumbling in the basement.... it's not where you take guests or display your prizes, it's just there to hold up the house and is easily forgotten until a minor issue becomes a crisis.

 

TOJAZ

Link to post
Share on other sites

I often wonder if marriage is a concept that just doesn't apply to today's society. It's like people are trying to kill themselves being married for what purpose? Is it really necessary anymore? I am starting to think myself that it's just a waste of time and a lot of pressure to put on myself. Sure if an opportunity presents itself for me to marry again I'll do it, but I just don't see the point right now.

 

I am having far more fun being a man whore at the current time :p

 

SuperGeek

Edited by SuperGeek
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Blci - I've read both your thread here and your husband's thread (Wife Wants Out), it's rare that we do get both spouses on here, especially this early into the situation.

 

First - no you are not wrong to think of your marriage and relationship as an investment, it is. You invest your time, your heart, your love and your future in a marriage. But like all investments, it has to be balanced....a healthy give and take. For that to happen, both partners need to be able to communicate their needs without hurting each other. From both sides of the story of your issues, it doesn't look like communication has been all that healthy lately.

 

Clearly you both have different goals in mind, perhaps it didn't seem to start that way, it may have even seemed you both wanted the same things. I don't think that a woman should just sit back and shut up and not have any say what direction the boat is floating either, but you do owe it to yourself to truly assess what makes you unhappy and if it is worth continuing the marriage. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to put yourself first, him put himself first and then intersect those circles to bring two in a healthy relationship. However, neither of you control each other, you only control yourselves.

 

Now reading his side, I would ask you, do you really feel that the breakdown of the relationship is really your fault? No, I think everyone here can see now that it takes two to tango. When any little thing you do upsets his balance of what he is trying to control...that's not on you. That's on him to figure out why he is so unhappy with himself and life in general. And vice versa. My advice to you is to really assess the relationship and see it for what it really is rather than what it used to be and how much more investment of yourself you wish to make.

 

All the things that you stated in your opening post, wanting a home, a family...etc. All those things are natural when two people get married, so please don't let people off-put you on those things. A woman wants a man that can provide, a man that can lead, her husband should be her hero. A man wants a woman that can nurture, that provides companionship, and even sometimes a best friend. Things should progress naturally, people shouldn't have to kill themselves to progress naturally to what is basically a natural progression of a marriage, but they shouldn't have to demean each other to get there either.

 

I would step back for a moment and ask myself, will I be happy in five years? What would make me happy five years from now? Do we really have the same perspective that it would take for a successful marriage?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...