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I need help about marriage/separation


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want to be free

I have been married for 15 years, July 2003, we separated due to a cheating partner ( me ) although it was a fluke never meant to be it happened. we have 1 daughter ( 5 ). anyway, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.

 

I didn't hesitate to get out, and our daughter lives with me ( court ordered ). during the time of separation, i met a wonderful man whom i am falling in love with, we are still seeing each other. I know this isn't right because i am still married. My husband comes to me recently and tells me he misses me still loves me and wants me back. I am not willing to do so, he says why cant i try to give it a chance, but to me, its too late, i have had alot of time to think about it, think about what i want in my life and for my daughter, he's a great man, but i don't love him anymore, i have told him this and he wont accept it. He just keeps saying why wont you give it a chance? Simple...I do not want to, i was 18 when we married, he was 19.

 

I do feel his pain, i care about him, i just don't love him anymore, and the mere thought of even going back with him makes me sick, nothing he has done, i have just had alot to be free, and i want to stay that way, i am not going to marry the other, i will not get married again. i know he is hurting and he is lonely, but i keep telling him that he needs to move on because i have. I really don't know the legals of it, as far as our child is involved, but I cant try again, i don't want to try again. I don't know how to make him understand and respect my decision not to try again. I just want to move on with my life. He already has threatened not to sign the divorce papers. what can I do?

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I'm sorry...but this is going to sound a bit harsh. Take it merely as constructive criticism.

 

At this point, you owe it to your child to stop thinking about yourself so much. And you didn't just fall into an affair. No one does. You made it happen. For what ever reason, you made it so.

 

It's okay to fall out of love. That's not the issue. The issue is whether or not you want to model honor and integrity for your daughter. You should have completed your divorce and established yourself in a stable environment with your child before ever getting involved with another man.

 

You married young but that was your choice. And now 15 years later...you find yourself unhappy, unsatisfied or whatever and realize that you want to be 18 again and get back what you lost.

 

You now want your childhood, so to speak. Well, you aren't first on the list of needs right now. You need to let your daughter have her childhood. That's what is important. Then you can start thinking about what you need again.

 

You mentioned you will never marry again. Then, it seems that you just want to have a good time with the guys you meet down the road. ?? Get your daughter through this difficult situation! Stop thinking about yourself!

 

or...

 

Maybe consider giving custody to the father.

 

With that said...be good to yourself. You deserve it too no matter what. Daughters need strong mommies.

 

 

:o

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HokeyReligions

Whew!

 

It's a tough place to be. I won't berate you about past mistakes, we all make choices that turn out to be the wrong ones. What is past, is past.

 

You can talk to your attorney about the possibility of him not signing the divorce papers. Since it was you who had the affair that could play part in the legalities. Talk to an attorney though. If you have told your ex that you are absolutly not interested and he continues to harass you, you can state clearly that any contact the two of you have must pertain only to matters concerning your daughter and that anything else would be considered stalking or harassment on you part and let him know that you will seek legal protection from him.

 

That may be harsh and difficult to do, and I'm sure that it will hurt his feelings, but he has got to get past the denial phase and understand that he can't have you back.

 

Miakal talked about being a model for your daughter. Yes, by all means you should be. Teach her that people make mistakes and that they must pay for them. Teach her that making a mistake does not have to mean life ends or that you must be miserable for the rest of your life. Your daughter deserves to have a happy mother too! If you are happy then you can shower happiness on your daugther. If you are faking it and are really miserable inside she will pick up on that. Teach her by example. She may see the hurt you are going through now, and the hurt her dad is going through too. She may decide at 18 to wait before getting married because of how it hurt you.

 

Talk to an attorney about the legalities, and see if you can get some counseling for yourself and your daughter as you go through this process. Know that it won't last forever. Things will change, and improve. I know you will be more conscious of your decisions in the future. Everything IS a choice, and each new element that is introduced into our lives comes with a choice. Fact is, we don't always make the best choices for ourselves. Accept that, learn from it so you don't make the same mistake again, and move forward. You and your daughter will be happy again and at some point her dad will have to accept that you are not going back to him.

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