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Wife just doesn't want to be married anymore


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 22nd March 2013, 8:48 PM   #1
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Wife just doesn't want to be married anymore

I just don't know what to think about it anymore. We still have a good time when we're together. But after over two and a half years of marriage she just doesn't want to be married. She says that she wants to get away from everything (she's got a possible job lined up in Moscow for several months), and I know she's been moving away from our church and trying to figure out who she is, but why does that have to mean getting a divorce? I still love her and feel in love with her, but while she claims to love me she says she's not in love with me. She moved out about a month ago and now she's planning to file for divorce shortly. I've tried to talk her out of it but she just says it isn't fair for someone to force somebody to stay married when they don't want to. And while I know I can't force her to stay married shouldn't the fact that you've made the commitment to marry someone mean you should try and work through your problems rather than just run away from them?
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Old 22nd March 2013, 9:54 PM   #2
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If she is moving that fast to end the marriage then she obviously doesn't want to be married anymore. My ex wife also told me she wasn't in love with me anymore. I tried to talk about working it out but her mind was already made up. I agree when you got married you both made a commitment to each other. Sadly not many people seem to take marriage very serious anymore. I think people are much more selfish than they used to be. If her mind is made up you have to let her go. If she stays just because you want her to she will resent you and it will not work. Good luck to you.
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Old 22nd March 2013, 10:39 PM   #3
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The signs before marriage

You're still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage. If she's already running away, she was either hooked on someone else or she's truly recognizing that marriage isn't for her. Did you feel that she was mature and grounded when entering into the marital relationship, or was it all fun and fairy tales? Did she grasp the gravity of the commitment she was making, or do you think she was just going with the moment? Were there signs before the "wedding" that she had cold feet? How about after? Did you have suspicions?
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Old 22nd March 2013, 10:59 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ixalav View Post
shouldn't the fact that you've made the commitment to marry someone mean you should try and work through your problems rather than just run away from them?
Yes it does...
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I know I can't force her to stay married
Sadly, no you can't. Not much anyone here - or anywhere else - can do for you. Might be best to let her go on the chance that, realizing what she's missing, she'll come back. Sorry...

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Old 22nd March 2013, 11:54 PM   #5
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Sadly not many people seem to take marriage very serious anymore. I think people are much more selfish than they used to be.
Agreed. The unfortunate thing is that usually sheís the serious one out of the two of us. Still canít fathom why she decided to check out like she did.

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If she's already running away, she was either hooked on someone else or she's truly recognizing that marriage isn't for her. Did you feel that she was mature and grounded when entering into the marital relationship, or was it all fun and fairy tales? Did she grasp the gravity of the commitment she was making, or do you think she was just going with the moment? Were there signs before the "wedding" that she had cold feet? How about after? Did you have suspicions?
I think itís safe to say thereís no one in particular based on her plans to sleep around in Moscow. And I did feel she was mature and grounded when we got married, or at least before. It honestly feels like sheís become more adolescent in her behavior over the past year or so, to the point where she is very resentful of anyone questioning what she wants to do. She seemed a lot more even-tempered when we got married. When we got married she didnít seem to have cold feet. Of course now she would probably say that was more because we were both waiting to have sex after marriage. Even so, it didnít seem like divorce was an issue until within the last six months or so. Though Iíve since found out that sheís at least thought about it since about a year into our marriage.

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Yes it does...

Sadly, no you can't. Not much anyone here - or anywhere else - can do for you. Might be best to let her go on the chance that, realizing what she's missing, she'll come back. Sorry...

Mr. Lucky
Letting go is easier said than done, but Iím trying to figure out how to do that. Once I finally do, though, Iím worried about being either too vulnerable and opening myself up to the pain of divorce again, or being too afraid to try again and losing out on what could be a great marriage if we could just leave divorce out of it. Sigh, wouldnít it be nice to have a crystal ball that could tell us what was going to happen with these kinds of things?
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Old 23rd March 2013, 12:22 AM   #6
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Of course now she would probably say that was more because we were both waiting to have sex after marriage.
I don't mean to offend, but are you sure you're satisfying her in the bedroom? I have to admit that I was not a virgin (long story), but I waited until marriage with my husband. He turned out to be a dud. When I tried to add some spice, he couldn't accommodate my request. That was a big issue for me. Ten years later, it's one source of my disbelief in our reconciliation.
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Old 23rd March 2013, 1:18 AM   #7
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I don't mean to offend, but are you sure you're satisfying her in the bedroom? I have to admit that I was not a virgin (long story), but I waited until marriage with my husband. He turned out to be a dud. When I tried to add some spice, he couldn't accommodate my request. That was a big issue for me. Ten years later, it's one source of my disbelief in our reconciliation.
No offense taken. I'd like to think so, but on reflection it's hard to be sure. She did lose interest after a while and never was quite able to make orgasm in sex (used masturbation afterwards and I would try to help most of the time), though it's hard to say if that was a me thing or a her thing--she seemed to think it was a her thing, though.
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Old 23rd March 2013, 1:41 AM   #8
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Frigid?

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No offense taken. I'd like to think so, but on reflection it's hard to be sure. She did lose interest after a while and never was quite able to make orgasm in sex (used masturbation afterwards and I would try to help most of the time), though it's hard to say if that was a me thing or a her thing--she seemed to think it was a her thing, though.
You think she may be frigid? Abused? Preoccupied or stressed out? Any of those things can be contributors to poor sexual arousal and performance. Maybe have a gentle exchange with her and ask her how she feels with you as you try different moves, strokes, whispers, etc. Ask her if she feels safe in your arms. Tell her she is. Be sure you follow up with tenderness during nonsexual moments throughout the day, too! Maybe she'll give you some indication of what might be wrong with her.
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Old 23rd March 2013, 1:52 AM   #9
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I'm afraid it's probably a bit too late to test that out, but if things go differently that's not a bad idea.
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Old 23rd March 2013, 7:00 PM   #10
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Letting go is easier said than done, but Iím trying to figure out how to do that. Once I finally do, though, Iím worried about being either too vulnerable and opening myself up to the pain of divorce again, or being too afraid to try again and losing out on what could be a great marriage if we could just leave divorce out of it. Sigh, wouldnít it be nice to have a crystal ball that could tell us what was going to happen with these kinds of things?
That's all just part of the journey. The good news is that you get a chance, each step of the way, to make a new decision based on what you've learned to that point. While I can't tell you what will happen, I will guarantee that there will be twists and turns, unexpected developments and things happening that you can't forsee now. Keep your options and lines of communication open with her and you might be surprised at the outcome.

Were you asked and willing to go to Moscow with her?

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Old 24th March 2013, 1:08 AM   #11
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She did ask me to go. Initially I wanted to slow down and take some time to think about it. Then after she decided to separate while we were visiting family over the holidays (our families live fairly close to one another) I did tell her that I didn't feel it was fair to use the threat of divorce just to get what she wants, explaining that if she would have tried to have a fair discussion I would have been more willing to go. After she left a month ago I told her that if that's what she needed I'd be willing to go (I'm not opposed to going abroad and could even see some benefit it for my own life goals), which surprised her, but she didn't change her mind since learning that either.
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Old 24th March 2013, 12:35 PM   #12
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Is she interested in having you visit her there? Are you interested in going?

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Old 24th March 2013, 8:16 PM   #13
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or another way of putting what mr lucky said is

does she want this marriage or not?
its a yes or no answer
the sooner you find out, the quicker you will heal

aM
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Old 24th March 2013, 8:28 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by ixalav View Post
She did ask me to go. Initially I wanted to slow down and take some time to think about it. Then after she decided to separate while we were visiting family over the holidays (our families live fairly close to one another) I did tell her that I didn't feel it was fair to use the threat of divorce just to get what she wants, explaining that if she would have tried to have a fair discussion I would have been more willing to go. After she left a month ago I told her that if that's what she needed I'd be willing to go (I'm not opposed to going abroad and could even see some benefit it for my own life goals), which surprised her, but she didn't change her mind since learning that either.
1 word of advice if i may?
i`m not the greatest in giving it

but
IF you say something...anything to anyone
then mean it
don`t back down by saying something JUST to please someone else
just because that person didn`t respond in the way you wanted them too with what you said originally


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Old 25th March 2013, 11:39 AM   #15
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"we were both waiting to have sex after marriage"

I just cannot understand why this mentality still exists today. I know it's primarily a religious thing. But this is such a CRITICAL component of a happy marriage...how the hell do you even know if you're sexually compatible when you get married?? My W was a virgin when we met and it's a huge regret for me that I stuck with her (for a number of reasons). Perhaps your wife discovered very early on that your sexual relationship wasn't good enough for her. Things like this should be sorted out way before walking down the aisle.

Techie may very well be right. Lots of times, women who "wait" have numerous sexual hang-ups leading up to marriage. To me, it's a recipe for disaster.

Anyway, let her go. She's already bailing after 2.5 years. I don't see a rosy future. And you guys being thousands of miles apart isn't going to help. Cut your losses, take time to reflect and move on.
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