Moral Dilemma

[Carwhisperer]

I've been separated for four years. I pay her $2000/month in family support. We have a court date to move toward finalization coming up in late March or early April. My ex does not have a real job and she is still on my medical insurance. She was recently diagnosed with an "inoperable" brain tumor. If we stay married she can remain on my insurance and receive treatment. She moved 3 1/2 hours away from me, with our minor daughter, 3 years ago.

 

My Mom thinks I should postpone the divorce so that she can stay on my insurance and receive treatment. Although my ex is friendly toward me when she sees me she rarely communicates via text or phone. She ignores me pretty much all the time. For example, this week I asked her to tell me how much of her prognosis I am free to discuss with our daughter and she hasn't answered for 4 days. She knows that I think she should not live there, because it greatly reduces the time I get to spend with my daughter. She has loose ties. Basically no job but friends and her Dad lives there but she hardly sees him. If her condition worsens to the point that she can no longer drive I will have to make the 7 hour round trip drive twice on a weekend to bring my daughter home or stay down there for the weekend. The driving and hotel expenses are considerations but even worse is that it is not very fun just having my daughter visit me in the hotel. She is germaphobic and is particularly freaked out by hotels. She is 15.

 

She probably will not come right out and ask me to postpone the divorce. She is too stubborn and perhaps proud. My thought is to tell her that if she moves back I will postpone the divorce. She more than likely will not answer or will answer with a no. At which point I would proceed with the divorce.

 

What do you think? Does this make me a horrible person?

[aMguilts]

why`s it taken you 4 years is what i think

 

 

and then i read something from another thread of yours saying this

 

I am a middle aged divorced math teacher. Any advice? I cried over how I had hurt this girl today. I was tempted to text her several times and ask her if she wanted to give it another try but as of yet I haven't done so. Meanwhile, I am going out with someone else tonight who is educated and has a job

 

so no it doesn`t make you a horrible person.

it either makes you a compulsive liar or you really need counselling.

 

and your a `teacher`???

you know what ?

i`m not surprised at all

 

aM

Edited March 8, 2013 by aMguilts

[Steen719]

Have you checked into whether she might be able to keep your insurance for a given amount of time after divorce?

 

Also, did she give you the information about the tumor and is there a way to verify her prognosis?

 

I am not judging you with this, but I do think you should cut her some slack with the communication issues. I would imagine discovering your death is imminent, which is how I interpreted what you said, would be what she is concentrating on right now, regardless of the fact that she is historically a poor communicator with you.

 

No one can tell you what you should do, but just my thought is that I would have a very difficult time pulling out insurance on someone who was terminally ill. I don't think I would want to live with that on my conscience. However, that is my opinion and of course, I have not been in your marriage.

 

Sorry for your situation. It is difficult.

[aMguilts]

so are you divorced or aren`t you?

make your mind up

 

aM

[GuyInLimbo]

Well, why in the world anyone would be separated for 4 years is sort of beyond me. I dunno. Call me crazy. Either sh*t or get off the pot.

 

However, if she does now have a terminal illness.... What's the point now? Given how shady insurance companies are, I say keep her on the policy until she passes. If she's terminal, what's the real point of getting a divorce? Maybe there are tax implications?

[Carwhisperer]

Thanks for the replies. I sought reconciliation for the first two years. She contemplated it but then in summer 2011 we agreed that it wasn't going to work. Then I kept expecting her to move the ball down the field but she didn't. So last summer I finally started to do something about it. I missed a court date and with the wheels of justice grinding so slowly we are where we are now.

 

I have been in a few relationships and I want to get married again. I don't have a gf right now. But, oddly enough, some women don't want to date a married man!

 

I accidentally sent her a text this morning that was intended for my Mom. It said I was worried about what would happen to my daughter, being so far away from me, if my ex's condition worsens. My ex replied, a little upset naturally, that she has lots of friends and support in her area and that her tumor is "not life threatening".

 

That being the case I suppose I will continue with the divorce and with a court ordered move back to my area.

[imtooconfused]

I don't know much about divorce settlements, but it's very likely that given her situation, you will be required to provide insurance for her after the divorce. With the pre-existing condition, the cost of insurance would likely be exorbitant, making the "staying married" option much more palatable.

[Techie Artist]

However, if she does now have a terminal illness.... What's the point now? Given how shady insurance companies are, I say keep her on the policy until she passes. If she's terminal, what's the real point of getting a divorce? Maybe there are tax implications?

 

If she is terminal (he never said), she's in no state to "chat" with "the ex". She may even blame you for her illness! If you're making erroneous messages, you need to slow down. WTH? Who has the ex next to mom on the phone??

 

If you're truly covering her terminal illness, then stay married. If she's not terminal, then you need to talk to her about her needs and then make a decision. This is not "cat and mouse" time. You have a child to consider. The legacy of your care for child's mother will endure.

[Gunny376]

Me? I been fortunate and blessed! In so, so, so many ways? Like most I've made some good choices, and then again I made some bad ones throughout my life. The Good Lord has blessed me with above average intelligence, (so says my test scores on the ASVAB, SAT, ACT, and LSAT among others ~ too bad they don't test for 'common sense' relative to being 18 and when your 55?)

 

Then again? Maybe I've just got a natural aptitude for taking,.............well tests? Doesn't mean a damn thing other than I just have a 'gift' for choosing the right answer on tests? There Are people like that you know.

 

I've been all over the World, and have meet and dealt with people from any and all walks of life. You name it! Country, religion, ethnicity, social-economic strata?

 

But its been the "Common People" the basic people that are for the most part on the bottom rung of the social-economic scale here in America that I've learned the most from.

 

I use to work for a manufacturing company which to keep it short and sweet employed the bottom of the 'food chain'

 

"School to work" 15 years in high school and still can't read nor write.

 

"Welfare to work" Caught in the government molasses of government sponsored "Help" programs, until after thirty years of such they're forced out on the street and made to get a job or else?

 

"Work Release" Mostly the children of the street and the above. In prison but on the verge of being paroled or 'End of Sentence" non-violent offenders.

 

But it was Vonnie ~ that spoke words to me that ring true to this day in my ears! Vonnie has worked DAMNED HARD all of her life. She's always worked. She's not formally educated much more than middle school or the lower level of high school. But she's DAMN smart. Wise well beyond her years! She's worked in manufacturing all of her life (She's around 56 or so by now I would guess) and there's not anyone that ever went to any college that could tell her 'Jack Spit" about manufacturing just about anything. She's experienced, intelligent, street smart, savvy attuned ~ the list is endless.

 

I was her supervisor. And I learned quick, fast and in a hurry to always seek her counsel on things, about the process, people, how to approach them, speak to them, deal with them, etc. Because I was an over-educated, over-trained, over (Fill in the blank__________________)

that had learned this and that in the Marine Corps, went to college, taken classes on the "Psychology of Industry" ~ Brother that all goes flying out the door when you're dealing with the kind of people that I was supervising.

 

All this to say? One night she and I were talking about a college educated, upper-management azzhat that didn't have a clue as to how to treat people, talk to people, deal with people from other walks of life.

 

This clown couldn't manage to lead a brunch of drunks from an AA meeting across the street to a liquor store giving away free half gallons of Jack Daniels! :mad:

 

That's when Vonnie laid these 'Pearl of Wisdom" on me!

 

"Just do the RIGHT thing! You KNOW what it is! God laid it upon you the day you were born! Just do and say the right thing to others! You know what it is! You don't need someone ~ anyone to tell you what it is! You know in your Heart of Hearts what the right thing to do and say to others is!"

 

You know what the right thing to do is! Stay married to her, leave her on your health insurance, be a BIG part of your DD's life no matter what it takes, no matter the inconvenience, no matter the costs. Move on with your personal life, your social life.

 

I bounced this off of Mrs Gunny and she was all on a board with my doing so in a similar situation. She caught it quick, fast and in a hurry of like "The needs of one? Outweigh the needs of many?" Also she wanted and needed was that it would just be a "financial-insurance" thing and that she was my No. # 1 Miss Playmate of the Millenium! :love: :love: :love:

 

Which she is! :love: :love:

 

The extra added benifit of such? Any woman you may date or become involved with and you explain your situation to? Well its like NASA use to say!

 

"We've got ourselves a "Go-board! Its green across the board!" We're five by five! And six by six! And we're ready to ride!

[Carwhisperer]

Thanks again for the replies. I guess I have to weigh helping someone to whom I was married for 16 years, who is too proud to ask for my help, against having a life of my own and getting married again.

[Kelemvor]

Thanks again for the replies. I guess I have to weigh helping someone to whom I was married for 16 years, who is too proud to ask for my help, against having a life of my own and getting married again.

 

Do you mind me asking how you acquired the information about her brain tumor? I mean, did she tell you? Do you have proof? Have you been to physician appt's with her?

 

The reason I ask is that people generally hear "brain tumor" and think glioblastoma or some aggressive tumor with poor prognosis. Is it an intracranial lipoma? Meningioma? Just because it's inoperable doesn't mean it's fatal. So, you could be talking about a benign or relatively benign condition that she could have comfortably for the remainder of her life. I don't know all the details so I could be wrong, but it's worth some thought.

 

If all you have to go on is the fact that she "told you", then there is no definitive veracity in that information and her motives could be many. I hope that's not the case but I've learned not to trust anyone and to verify any and all information given to me. Hopefully you've done the same. That being said, you've got one life to live. Feeling empathy for your ex-wife and wanting to help are laudable but given the brief history you've provided and her actions, I don't think a "brain tumor" forgives all culpability on her part, nor does it require that you ruin your life for someone while receiving no reciprocation. If she needs help, she can ask for it, but you deserve to find someone, get married again and to be happy. In the end, you must do what you feel is right, but I would hate to think you're being spun around and manipulated from afar by misinformation. I don't know what has postponed you 4+ yrs but at $2K/mo and medical insurance, not having to work, she's certainly benefitted from your slow pace. I mean, if you want to take the most extreme example, I could marry just about anyone and postpone it long enough that everyone would fall into poor health. That's no reason to remain perpetually married with lifelong insurance. She'll receive disability eventually if it's as bad as you say, along with additional gov support and I'm sure she has family support. The only caution would be if you think the decision would irrevocably damage your relationship with your daughter as I can imagine the things she might say about you. Still though... 4+ yrs separated is long enough in my opinion.

[Carwhisperer]

Thank you and you raise some good points. I did start to ask myself "how do I really know what her situation is?".

 

She has had bad migraines for years and therefor it was easy for me to believe the tumor. Honestly, though, it was my Mom who told me about it. She made it sound really bad. I don't think my ex would try to manipulate me with this, at least emotionally. On the other hand she has stated that she will try to get as much money as she can (which is pretty much what everyone does, right?).

 

My plan at this point is to proceed with the divorce. We have a court date set for early April.

 

If she asks me for help I can always revisit that decision.

[Kelemvor]

I think that's a sound plan. I work in the medical field and can tell you that people can spin all types of diagnoses into the worst possible context. Brain tumor in no way implies grave mortality or even significantly reduced lifespan. There are a plethora of benign brain tumors and who knows if she even told your mother the truth. "Inoperable" brain tumor sounds very fishy to me. The most common ones I've come across are those that are benign and aren't worth operating on in the first place, or extremely aggressive where we are talking radiation therapy and palliative treatment. If she isn't receiving chemo or radiation therapy and also isn't receiving treatment, then either it's a grave diagnosis, she's lying, it's a benign tumor not worth operating on, a rare tumor that is in a very delicate location with inherent risks in the operation itself, or she's simply lying. Brain tumors are one of the easiest things to lie about where you don't have to provide proof and the mere questioning the validity would make the questioner seem like the worst person on earth. I'm not a neurosurgeon, but the whole thing just sounds very strange to me. The vast and I mean vast majority of migraines have nothing to do with tumors.

 

Good luck.