Keep open possibility of reconciliation?

[Caldespair]

The quick

 

20 plus year marriage, 2 teenagers, had what I thought was an amazing life with my wife. Possible 3rd party involved.

 

Only 2 months since Ive been out of house after our argument.

 

Tried mc, she only went once. I do IC once a week

 

We both have lawyers that I am paying for. Last month just before the 1st she e mails me, "what about the bills coming up". I regretfully transferred full monthly amount of money into the one joint account for her to pay the bills.

 

Today I e mailed her to let her know I have closed the family account. She then ask what about the bills coming up - I did not respond.

 

My dilemma

 

I want to keep open possibility of reconcilliation.

 

Not that its possible, but 20 plus years - Id like to work a bit more on saving the marriage. I have been rebuffed by her with attempts at reconcillation. Now NC is the only whay I can handle this turmoil

 

I am trying to decide what I will contribute to the household bills. Mind you, she made 2/3 of my income last year, has ample money in her account, and she expects me to pay the full nut. Also our daughter lives with my sbxw. And I live in an apartment nearby.

 

My lawyer says dont pay anything or pay perhaps half. My dilema is if I play hardball and give her "only" half, shes likely to escalate things legally and harden her desire of any reconcilliation.

 

Many emotions here, betrayal, loss, jealousy, anger, sadness, loneliness are all here. I will make the decision in next few days.

[Yasuandio]

If you don't know what you want, you better be nice.

[trippi1432]

Possible 3rd party involved? On whose behalf? Hers or yours?

 

Are you still at the Marriott or did you start looking for a place to live or with friends?

 

I know we keep coming back to what ended it for her, the apology to your sister, but 20 years had to have more issues than just this one. What else do you think she is harboring as resentment?

[Caldespair]

Trippi and Yas-

 

3rd party possibility on her end. It seems like that would be reason she cold act the way she has.

I was at marriot for about a month, now in aprtment about 15 mins from my house where my sbzw and daughter live.

Do I know what I want? Yes. I want to preserve this 27 year relationship. Or at least try some mc to see of we can work out her/our issues.

Other resentment issues she brings up now - Ive been prescribed adderall my my long term doctor and hers, about two years ago. She knew this at the time. But now, its "youve been on drugs for 2 years" type anger.

Other possible resentments - well the main one where she hates my sister who we see maybe 6 times a year. I also work with my brother. I think having my family so intact (my parents still together, her family broken) is hard for her to handle. I think It makes her feel like less.

Also, when she was my daughers age, her mom threw her dad out of the house (hes a great guy, and my wife married me, as I am like her father in many nice ways)

So I believe this is a pattern she is repeating (maybe without knowing it).

And the you watch football too much?? I/we have been fans for years.

I think this is the main thing: When I threatended to leave her, unless she aplogized. I know, I know, this was soo wrong of me. I dont usually stand up to her so much as I am the peace maker. I dont think she has ever apologized ever for anything.

Also she can be stubborn (as I can).

I aplogized to her so many times but had to shut it down and go nc, as I was a wreck and could not work nor function. I called a harm prevention number to talk to someone when I was sooo low and desperate.

Please let me mention these items:

I have provided amply over the years with my own business. We are/were lucky and travelled the world, had nice things.

I am super close with my teenage daughters (coaching them, over the years, shared interests with them.

Wife use to say she was jealous of my closeness with our daughters.

Just before the weather got bad in say march 2012, we played on a tennis doubles team. it was fun. we also, played golf together 1-2 times a month. We had date night every friday night. All good and I always had her back, except when at the big argument (12-1-2012) I made her apologoze for her unacceptable behavoir to my sister and my parents (as my sister helps my father with my mom who has dementia, and thus they were upset that their daugher was an emotional mess)

 

I am considering one more e mail, asking her to at least try mc due to the length of our marriage. But that may set me back even further. I can see, from the darkest days during the holidays, to at least now I can work. I dont want to fall down that far again.

 

Sorry about length but I had to get this out.

Any thoughts?

[Caldespair]

Also, I have stopped taking the adderall since this fight erupted. I told her, but she could care less.

One other tid bit:

She filed for d on 12/21/2012 and I have not been served. This could indicate a softening of wifes position, but as far as I can tell, she has not softened.

I belive, perhaps, she had her best year finacially last year (too bad for her alimony of it comes to that) and felt empowered. She also has two friends going throug/getting a divorce. its soo fd up!

Most people, ive know this all these years, dont like her cause shes so boasful and always craves all the attention in social settings. But I love her as shes been good to me, my best friend.

 

Thanks guys

[ataloss8270]

There may or may not be a chance to reconcile, but bending over backwards and supporting your wife is not going to do anything but make you look weak. I would let her be mad at you for a while, she will come around at some point and see its not your job to support her when she doesn't want the marriage. Just be yourself when your around her. Don't argue about anything. Agree with whatever she says. Always smile, and look confident and secure with yourself when your around her. Even if you don't feel it, look it. Don't talk about the marriage or chances of working it out unless she brings it up. If she wants to work it out, she will let you know. But until then just drop everything. Let her wallow in her own thoughts and figure out what she wants to do. It takes two to tango. But if anything this method definitely relieves stress on you.

[trippi1432]

Caldespair, I see a lot of back and forth in your posts. Right now you are struggling with finding the good and finding the bad....it's normal. Glad you are out of the hotel, that's the fist step for her to notice that this decision has a permanent effect.

 

Now, just as much as you are looking at things, keep in mind she is as well. This doesnt mean she has someone else anymore than you do. The only thing you can do at this point is work on you and let her work on her a bit. Nothing rushes the healing process and nothin rushes a recon as well.

[Caldespair]

Ata and trippi

 

As far as when I'm around her and now I act. I only see her when at daughters soccer game. It's my worst hour. I site seperation , some moms come over and have sit with me.

 

But the best thing I've done is buy new clothes. I look and feel great. Being married all theses years my wardrobe was not good. Now I've lost 15 lbs, I'm trim ,work out, built upper body.

I look and feel like I did before I met her 27 years ago.

When I walk into the stands, I'm confident, poised and smiling. I know she notices me and I bet the other mothers who sit with her also notice.

Even my daughter and her teammates who are 16, , after her game , said "wow you look amazing! Being 49 and hearing compliments sure helps me with my emotion.

I have written 2 draft emails to my wife which I won't send. But it's good to get them out.

I wrote a quick list tonight of people who have directly reached out to me during my 2 month journey. The number is 24! I feel so lucky and if I think about it more the number is even higher.

I have love, I'm worthy of love and I want to love. In a way, this fiasco COULD be the best thing to happen to me in my life. I feel ALIVE for first time in years. I may end up poorer, but I have my 2 daughters, family and friends.

Sorry if some of this is a bit cheesy. Thanks

[MsOptimist]

Ata and trippi

 

As far as when I'm around her and now I act. I only see her when at daughters soccer game. It's my worst hour. I site seperation , some moms come over and have sit with me.

 

But the best thing I've done is buy new clothes. I look and feel great. Being married all theses years my wardrobe was not good. Now I've lost 15 lbs, I'm trim ,work out, built upper body.

I look and feel like I did before I met her 27 years ago.

When I walk into the stands, I'm confident, poised and smiling. I know she notices me and I bet the other mothers who sit with her also notice.

Even my daughter and her teammates who are 16, , after her game , said "wow you look amazing! Being 49 and hearing compliments sure helps me with my emotion.

I have written 2 draft emails to my wife which I won't send. But it's good to get them out.

I wrote a quick list tonight of people who have directly reached out to me during my 2 month journey. The number is 24! I feel so lucky and if I think about it more the number is even higher.

I have love, I'm worthy of love and I want to love. In a way, this fiasco COULD be the best thing to happen to me in my life. I feel ALIVE for first time in years. I may end up poorer, but I have my 2 daughters, family and friends.

Sorry if some of this is a bit cheesy. Thanks

 

This is not cheesy at all - I'm glad you're seeing how loved you are and are taking care of yourself. As someone else mentioned, you are all over the place with your thoughts it seems, but I think that's normal in this kind of situation. I know I've experienced back and forth emotions a lot.

 

Great job of writing the emails to get those thoughts out there but not sending them - just getting the thoughts out of your head is a good thing.

 

Keep working on yourself and you might indeed come to the realization that your life can be better without her. Either way is a long and difficult road, and the unknown/unfamiliar road seems scarier right now, but it may end up being the most fulfilling.

[Caldespair]

Thanks MsOP.

I am also learning about how to process my thoghts. I saw a great medtation video on the web site ted.com and it is helping me not let my thoughts overtake me as I have so many emotions. One analogy I found helpful is when you see your thoughts for what they area, just thoughts, view them but dont judge them. It noted this diffference is like being in boat in a storm at sea, or if you habdle in your mind the correct way, it would be like watching a boat in a storm at sea.

I think I want my thoghts to be not overanalyzed, let them just drift pass, they area what they are.

If you think about it, we are mostly all here due to the pain - the pain of loss, anger ect. If we can control how we process these thoghts, be more of a bystander then a player in these negative thoughts, then things become less painful and calmer.

I am going to learn more about this as this has possiblity for me to get over the hump - the mental part of all this d and fights, is worse then the actual d and fights.

Kinda random I know.

[K Os]

If you think about it, we are mostly all here due to the pain - the pain of loss, anger ect. If we can control how we process these thoghts, be more of a bystander then a player in these negative thoughts, then things become less painful and calmer.

I am going to learn more about this as this has possiblity for me to get over the hump - the mental part of all this d and fights, is worse then the actual d and fights.

Kinda random I know.

 

This isn't random, Caldespair, and I believe that this is the best way 'forward'. My own horribly painful story has led me into yoga and meditation for exactly the same reasons. From these I'm beginning to see the folly of hoping that a single relationship with one other person is guaranteed to bring a lifetime of happiness. I spoke to a Tibetan Lama about it quite recently (he was visiting my home town). It's not guaranteed in any way. How could it be? Learning to control one's own mind, emotions, and mental chatter in the ways that you're talking about is a much more hopeful and useful path, I reckon.

If a year ago you'd told me that I would now be looking at 10-day silent meditation retreats as the way to go, I might even have summoned a weak laugh from the depths of my grief. But I am.