How long is it going to hurt like this?

[SB17]

My wife of 12 years and I are living a co-habitating seperation (for financial reasons and for our 3 boys) and living in seperate bedrooms. It's been this way for a year now and I never stopped thinking that there was a chance of a reconciliation. Yesterday that changed.

 

For the past few years our marriage has not been great. Kinda miserable in fact. Nothing abusive or violent, just...not happy. I was just so caught up in work and school and internships; trying to pay bills and get a degree that would improve things for us that I didn't know how bad. She was having a breakdown and seeing a therapist and didn't tell me.

 

Last summer she confided that she forcd herself to fall out of love with me. Her reasoning being that she feels I never really loved her and just kind of let myself fall into the relationship and marriage. She felt neglected. While I felt that she was in a major funk and needed to pull herself up because nothing I said seemed to ever help.

 

So now while I was working she was working on herself. She lost a loooooot of weight and looks great. She has a circle of friends and now a boyfriend. (We did discusss and agree on dating others, noone should be as lonely as we've both been feeling) while I had no time for any of that. She goes out several times a week while I stay home with the kids.

 

I'm sure that she would stay home while I went out if I had anywhere to go or anyone to do something with but I haven't done any socializing in years now.

 

I don't feel any animosity but it really hurts bcause I'm still in love and while she loves me still as a friend her feelings don't go deeper anymore. Yesterday I mentioned breakup sex as a joke (well, half-joking. After a year I'm feeling very amourous;; or to be blunt, horny) and she said she felt that she would be cheating on her new beau. They haven't had sex yet but she is getting very real and very deep feelings for him.

 

That was it. For the past 2 days I feel like there is a fist clenched around my heart and it is hard to breath. I'm ready to burst into tears at anytime. My loneliness is compounded by the fact that I have no support network and although it is good to see her happy again, it breaks my heart that its not with me.

 

I know it takes time time. And it would help if I had a companion too. I really miss kissing and holding someone But how long will the pain last?

 

Thanks for letting me get that out. It was very hard.

[notbroken]

Honestly, it is likely to hurt as long as you are in your current situation. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. It could prove very difficult to impossible to move on under those circumstances. It is very unhealthy for you - literally and figuratively - to live under the same roof with a spouse you are separated from. Find a way to separate physically and file for divorce asap.

[Yasuandio]

Honestly, it is likely to hurt as long as you are in your current situation. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. It could prove very difficult to impossible to move on under those circumstances. It is very unhealthy for you - literally and figuratively - to live under the same roof with a spouse you are separated from. Find a way to separate physically and file for divorce asap.

 

 

What Notbroken said above is so very true. Man, you set yourself up for this. Someone has to get their own place. Howz about her leaving? Since she has a boyfriend and all?

 

OK, well someone has to go. Divorce in eminent.

 

To answer your question.......I have read that it take about 50% of the time you've been with the person to get over the relationship. That is really bad news for me - cause I'm looking at over 15 years (together over 30). We've been separated 4 years, and now divorced, it is not out of my system yet.

 

I do believe if you meet someone that can help - but it is difficult to meet someone when you are unhappy. And who could be happy with this curcumtances you are describing. You gotta get away from her. Good luck.

[SB17]

I know you guys are right. I even think I knew it before. When I'm out running errands or whatever my mood improves and I even enjoy myself. It's when I'm headed home that I begin to enter "the funk zone".

 

Yes. It hurts. And yes, it sucks. And Damn! I am tired of feeling like this! And I also don't want to be one of those "woe is me" whiney sadsacks.

 

........ya know, I was about to write how our financial situation won't allow me or her to move out right now, and this is true. I won't bore you with details but things are really tight. But if I want to stat healing I need to figure that sh** out because it needs to happen. Thanks guys!

 

Oh. One more thing...

 

 

To answer your question.......I have read that it take about 50% of the time

you've been with the person to get over the relationship. That is really bad

news for me - cause I'm looking at over 15 years (together over 30). We've been

separated 4 years, and now divorced, it is not out of my system yet.

 

That may be true up to a point but don't keep pining for 15 years. From your post it sounds like the divorce became final fairly recently. True? Thats bound to bring up old feelings and unwelcome thoughts.

 

Give yourself some time to mourn and then move on. I've been with my ex (first time I've used that phrase) for 16 years and there is no way I'm spending the next 8 thinking about what might have been. I want to relish the good times, and learn something from the rest. I'm ready to start enjoying my life!

[aMguilts]

I know you guys are right. I even think I knew it before. When I'm out running errands or whatever my mood improves and I even enjoy myself. It's when I'm headed home that I begin to enter "the funk zone".

 

Yes. It hurts. And yes, it sucks. And Damn! I am tired of feeling like this! And I also don't want to be one of those "woe is me" whiney sadsacks.

 

........ya know, I was about to write how our financial situation won't allow me or her to move out right now, and this is true. I won't bore you with details but things are really tight. But if I want to stat healing I need to figure that sh** out because it needs to happen. Thanks guys!

 

Oh. One more thing...

 

 

 

That may be true up to a point but don't keep pining for 15 years. From your post it sounds like the divorce became final fairly recently. True? Thats bound to bring up old feelings and unwelcome thoughts.

 

Give yourself some time to mourn and then move on. I've been with my ex (first time I've used that phrase) for 16 years and there is no way I'm spending the next 8 thinking about what might have been. I want to relish the good times, and learn something from the rest. I'm ready to start enjoying my life!

 

your 2nd post and you are giving out advice already!

 

It`ll take as long as it takes to get over someone.

Yeah i read that s**t too. for every year you have been with someone, it`ll take that long in months to get OVER them.

To me , that is just BS

it`ll take as long as you allow it too.

OP

for you to say what you did, she couldn`t of meant as much to you as you are leading us to believe.

Or , more importantly, yourself.

 

 

aM