Post-Divorce Irritants: What Do They Mean?

December 8, 2012

During a long separation, protracted divorce process of four years, which is finially over and settled, once again - my mind remains unsettled - due to external curcumstances.

I do want to avoid mind-reading, as time has shown, it has been unproductive and inaccurate.

Whil I am ready to begin a new king of post-divorce life, already, it seems, I am again, pondering, asking the questions, "what does this behaviour mean?"

For example. The alimony payment is due on the first. I have two huge mortgages to pay - and am dependent on this alimony payment to cover the two "up-side-down" houses I am now the owner of (which was all that was left in the estate fter the business).

After the final divorce decree from the judge, I am no longer a co-owner of a sucessful business that used to paid these mortgages - and the judge ordered a fair enough property settlement in the form of alimony to make it possible for me keep these properties afloat (this might appear more fair if you consider the fact the homes were milked to buy the business).

Enough justifying on my part - it was a 27 year marriage. Back to the point of my example. Today is the eight of December, a Saturday. Again, the alimony payment is not in the mail on time. That means, that, if it does happen to arrive on Monday, December 10, I will be at least 11-12 days late paying the two mortgages. I already have a notice in the mail from the more aggressive mortgage company (as happened also last month).

To protect myself from further confusion - I am on a strict NC basis with former husband. I do not want to "call him" to ask for the darn payment - which he has available 10 fold is petty cash. It makes me feel dependent, and like I am "asking" for what is due me (I helped make this business, which is making the money, a reality by working my entire life also).

I just don't want to make the call. I don't want to send a note, or a reminder. The amount, settlement, and judge's reasoning are on record. I see no reason why I have to be put in a position to be his Mommy and remind him when I desparately want no contact - so I may get on with my life.

I feel like my buttons are being pushed on purpose - to get a rise out of me, but I am keeping my cool, and posting on LS instead. NC is the BEST MEDICINE for me.

Attorneys are out of picture now, so that is not an option without shelling out the bucks - (mine is not pleased - as there is no way I can ever pay her insane bill she ran up in the last month, and there will have to be some realistic adjustment made, or if possible, have it discharged in bankrupsy.) Furthermore - I really don't want to be giving it that attention - if I'm truely NC.

Last month, after weeks of correspondence between attorneys, I just paid $3,200 2012 property taxes on a home with my credit card - even though he was ordered to pay those taxes by the judge. I don't have the extra cash to be charging up credit card fees like this. But I did not want to go without paying the taxes, and wait, and wait, and continue and continue to dialoge thru attorneys. Before long, with our attorney's it waould have cost almost as much as the taxes to keep bantering. Since other side would not acknowledge I paid and they owe me back for this $3200,-- I just "shut up" about it - and decided to eat it. This is an example of how I have withdrawn (gone NC) on all issues - even if it means a financial hit here and there till I get a foothold.

I'm keeping my cool, LS friends. But, I have that darn nagging thing going on in my mind, what does this mean? Why is he toying with me? His credit is at stake too.

I realize I am OC, among several other things, as many of you are also aware of. I also which this divorce had not occured but it did - and it is time to move on - I am clear on that, when there are no irregularities. However, I am also concerned, though, that I may be re-engaging in "confirmation bias" - as obviously, I want to know what these things mean.

However, if the darn payment wasn't late - these thoughts would not have entered my mind. Can some of you that know my situation help me interpret this? You know there are so many better things I could be thinking about. But, I'm feeling pis't off that I am running to the mailbox a couple times a day looking for this check. Will it ever end?? Thank you, Yas

PS EDIT: I should mention too on the 15th of each month, as of Dec. 15, we learned last month that the judge has ordered him to pay an additional sum of money for three years on top of the alimony (judge increased settlement during his review of legal fee arrguements). I mean, it isn't helping situation I suppose. But after the case, and when judge reviewed mediation efforts - that was his finding. Xhusband could have done a heck of a lot better settling with me. But he refused to be realistic. This, if it is the reason for the "mortgage alimony" payment, is not smart - it is stupid. Could this be it? The reason? It has to be paid - the money is there. Plus, it's gonna get paid. I cannot begin charging up mortages on my American Express. Help.

Edited December 8, 2012 by Yasuandio

December 8, 2012

Well, I may not be good at interpreting either, but my initial surmise is that he doesn't like giving you the money as it hurts his wittle ego. He wants to pay the mortgages instead and hope to not have to give you anything to live on...my thoughts on that are so you will have to go to work (even though you can't work right now due to your health) and when your hand gets turned like that, he gets out of the alimony altogether.

I don't think he is trying to push your buttons over the relationship, he just enjoys pushing your buttons because he is a controlling twat. So...stop letting him into your mind at all as he doesn't deserve even your bad thoughts hun.

December 8, 2012

Well, I may not be good at interpreting either, but my initial surmise is that he doesn't like giving you the money as it hurts his wittle ego. He wants to pay the mortgages instead and hope to not have to give you anything to live on...my thoughts on that are so you will have to go to work (even though you can't work right now due to your health) and when your hand gets turned like that, he gets out of the alimony altogether.

I don't think he is trying to push your buttons over the relationship, he just enjoys pushing your buttons because he is a controlling twat. So...stop letting him into your mind at all as he doesn't deserve even your bad thoughts hun.

When I do receive the check, I am going to carefully document exactly when it was received on the subject line of check as well as a copy of check with post-marked envelope.

Furthermore - he is actually the one who gave me a property with an overdue payment which I paid. Of course, I was accused of not taking care of the finances properly. His attempt to take over the mortgages, essentially put me in his receivership due to my "incompetence," will blow up in his face if he trys that again, due the the mortgage records, duh.

Although he eventually caught up that payment (as a favor to me, right), he deducted from my alimony check. And he still remains behind in the payment. So he really owes that payment still - but, in following suit, as described above, I ddin't bother to go after that mortgage payment so to keep total NC.

The aformentioned is just another financial hit I took to avoid any dealings with him Trippi. It was not worth that particular payment to argue and unravel the complication.

Thanks honey, Yas

December 8, 2012

I know what you are going through Hun...just don't let him keep doing it though. If it's the one time....pick your battles. Keep documenting and making good records.

I'm in a similar situation myself. My ex is ordered to pay half of our son's medical bills. Son was in ICU twice this year, racked up at least $8k in after insurance medical expenses. I only mentioned ex paying his half at the hospital once back in September. Of course he hasn't asked about them as he has no job and is living off his wife's income. Nothing wrong with him that he can't work, he just doesn't want to as it has been his plan all along to live off a woman (he even told me that when we were married). So, I'm carefully picking my moment to solicit the court to make him pay half the medical bills....but for right now, I'm enjoying the peace of not having to deal with him.

December 9, 2012

are you `dependant` on him or yourself?

When you get what you want, will it stop there?

Or will you want more?

Draw a line yas and stick to it

Retribution will you get nowhere

we are born with nothing. Die with at least one thing?

you have lived

aM

Edited December 9, 2012 by aMguilts

December 9, 2012

are you `dependant` on him or yourself?

I am dependant on the income from the business we acquired. There is no doubt about that. The mortgages have to be paid on the underwater houses, at least for now, as I'm in no position to walk away fand re-locate.

When you get what you want, will it stop there?

Oh dear, - you must be psychic! You know about my addiction to shopping for weird stuff.

Or will you want more?

Even if it is road-kill that I have to bury in an ant-hill - I will go to all lengths to collect another skull - and no, I will never have enough weird stuff.

Draw a line yas and stick to it

What do you think the extreme NC is about? I am sticking to it, even though I just saw another "drive-by." I am ignoring it. NC is my line. I gotta pretend I didn't see it, and avoid analyzing the event, because that is only "mind-reading," which gets you no where. And that is the answer to my post right there. Thanks, aM!

If only there were not these darn reminders - it would help so much to have this distraction from my progress disappear.

Retribution will you get nowhere

I have no idea where you got this idea.

we are born with nothing. Die with at least one thing?
you have lived

That is remarkable, indeed.

aM

Hope you are well AKA Coop. Yas