Hurt from selfish & stubborn H. Should I divorce?

[disenchanted]

Hi everyone. I've been lurking here for the last few months and finally decided to post. I think I want a divorce. My husband is a selfish bastard that doesn't seem to care about my feelings. It wasn't like that before, he used to cherish me. Now every issue is like a battle, it's him against me and his wants are different from my wants. The problem is he's more stubborn than he is selfish because he can't even admit what it is he wants. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but his actions prove otherwise. Part of me wishes he can just tell me he "wants to be single" --but I know he'll never do that because we've had friends who said just that and he criticizes them. He seems conflicted with his needs but just won't share them with me. Am I supposed to stay here and wait until he figures it out? Am I supposed to take this sh*t from him until then? It's like he's pretending to be on the same high moral horse he was on when we first met, except he fell off a long time ago.

 

My real problem is that I know this isn't reason for divorce, not yet. I've always been the type of person that tried, but he's just worn me down with his insensitivity.

 

Is anyone in my shoes? There is no cheating going on (that I know of) except for maybe cheating ourselves into thinking that this is love. I would appreciate any advice, I have no one to talk about this with.

[Darkangelism]

Kids, age? Details bout what u argue will help

[disenchanted]

We're both 23 and have been married for almost 3 years and together for 5. We have no kids. Right now we had another arguement but it was pretty calm. He's pissed at me because he says I don't trust him, that I don't know how to trust. This has been a hot issue for us and when he gets back I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted a divorce.

 

I got into my old habits of taking my ring and saying I want a divorce out of frustration and mostly anger. In actuality I love him dearly and I'm scared to lose him. After talking for awhile he said fine, "lets see how you like it if I take off my ring" He left becuase he says this is so "not fun right now" he's going to a nearby bookstore and says that will be more fun.

 

Although I love him, I'm tired of this too. I feel like he wants everything his way. He believes if someone doesn't like something they should just leave --just like that, no comforting, no sensitivity. He's been frustrated to the point where he doesn't even care how he sounds. He says things like "If I don't care I wouldn't be here", or "If you don't like what I'm doing then why are you with me".

 

The crappy thing is that right now in his mind he has turned this all on me. Right now he thinks he's wrong because I don't trust him enough. He's been acting different and just by asking questions I'm already "giving him a hard time".

 

Sometimes I feel like we're just too young for this kind of committment. We're still growing and maturing. What sucks is it was so very real once. I now he has a point about me nagging him but why can't he learn that if he acts up it's gonna cause me to nag even more?

 

I just don't get it. I think this maybe it for us.

[capitald]

The "I am too young thing" is a bag of crap. I am 28 and i am still looking for the right person. If you already have someone you care about why trash that? Your 23, no time like the present to grow up and make it work. First of all, it sounds like you both need anger managment, if he refuses to go, you still should. Threatening to dewife him when you get mad is evidence for the anger issue. If he is mature enough to be concerned about "trust" then maybe you can make it. Becareful before you throw your life to the wind, it can get lonely out there and it is hard to find good people.

[nikkilove]

Threatening to "dewife" him during a fit of anger is no good. Put the shoe on the other foot and you know that. If you want to be with him, pick a time when you are not fighting and tell him that. Tell him you love him and want to work things out and what can each of you do for the other to make things better......that kind of thing.

 

If you are both willing to work on the relationship, great! If not, then you need to think if you can stick with this or move on.

 

Best of luck

[mb2cute]

I feel , or like thealmost the same way. I feel like my husband has just taken everything i had to give and now i am just tired of trying to make it work. Its like no matter what i do to be a good wife, he just cant reciprocate. Now i am at a point where i want to be single and see what is out there. But at the same time, i dont feel i can get a divorce just cuz i want to try out single life. WHat if i miss him or something. I have never actually dated, or been single except highschool which doesnt count. So am i supposed to sit around and wait for his nice, caring affectionate side to return? I dont know if i can.

 

I see it this way, stick around, dont complain to him anymore and see if things get better. If they dont, then that is my answer. There is only so much we can do to get them to worship us like they should and used to.

[capitald]

mb2cute said:

"There is only so much we can do to get them to worship us like they should and used to."

 

Right there is the root of all your trouble. You are vain. You expect to be worshipped like a god when you are only human. Leave deity worship to religion. I don't worship my girlfriend. I appreciate her, love her, enjoy her beauty but I don' worship her. When you expect someone to bow down and kiss your feet, then that breeds resent because you are not treating that person like an equal. Beauty fades, it may be worth something in terms of money and popularity but as you grow older you will realise that beauty is not the most important thing in the world. What does your desire to get out there and explore other men really translate into? I will tell you, it translates into the fact that you are bored with life and need to explore some things that will teach you about yourself, that will make you more soulfull. Maybe wanting to find other men is just your excuse not to do some soul searching, some self discovering. You need to find some interests and do some traveling. Learn about life and yourself and whats right for you will just come together. Thats a better move than doing something drastic.

 

Also what you say about wanting your husband to reciprocate is vague and that too is part of the problem. That may mean that you want him to respond in the way that you want him to respond, i.e. you are being controlling. It may also be that what he considers reciprocation is not what you consider reciprocation or that you don't consider what he does reciprocation. Sometimes we all have super high standards and we have to lower them just a bit to deal with reality.

 

I hope I have helped you. Sorry if I was too blunt, I am often somewhat guilty of that. Remember to enjoy life and don't get hung up on any particular thing.