Really Struggling

[Midwestmom12]

Warning, this will be long but I am really struggling.

 

I am a 36 year old mother of one son. I have been married 5 years but with my husband 7 years. I believe in marriage and family. I always thought when I married it would be for life which is why my current situation is causing me so much conflict and pain.

 

When I met my husband I fell in love and I never thought of another. From the beginning I believe I loved him more than he loved me. He made me laugh and we travelled together and truly enjoyed good times. He told me he loved me and introduced me to his family. We were happy and close and I felt he was the one. I found out I was pregnant after dating him a year and a half. He did a 360. Said he wasn't sure if I was the one. He wanted me to have an abortion but I refused because I felt I was a grown woman that knew what I was doing. I am from Michigan and he is from a different state which is where I was living at the time.

 

I decided I was going to come home since it seemed we weren't going to be together. When he knew I would leave he proposed and we got married 6 weeks after our son was born.

 

It was bad from the start. He quit his job and I was the only one working. During my pregnancy I struggled to eat healthy because there was barely money for food and he was no help. He struggled to find work and when he did I had to balance the books and pay the bills because I couldn't depend on him. He is very selfish. He argued with me constantly.

 

After the baby was born he forced me to have sex during the period the doctor said I couldn't have sex. I have had to work two jobs at times so we could make ends meet because he either didn't make enough, spent money without thinking or wasn't working. If I came home from work tired or didn't want sex because I was up all night with the baby he would get angry. I could write for days but yes after all this I stayed because I didn't want my son to be without his father.

 

I didn't want to be another statistic. I loved him and I truly wanted to make this work so we could be a family. Fast forward five years...things became so bad financially we had to move back to my home state and move in with my Mom. I am struggling to pay off debt and clean up my credit. I am a professional with a good job but I can't get ahead financially because he finds ways to blow money as fast as it comes in.

 

I have been unhappy for years. I have no desire for sex with him and I hate it when he is home. I am not having an affair and I won't but I am attracted to a coworker who is also attracted to me. I have been so depressed about my marriage for years that desire or the thought that someone could desire me has been the furthest thing from my mind.

 

I have begged him to go with me to a marriage counselor for years. He always refused. Now I want out and I'm afraid my feelings are gone forever. He knows I'm serious now and all of the sudden he wants to try and see a counselor.

 

I don't know what to do. My son will be devastated if we divorce because he loves his father. I still care for my husband but I can't do this anymore. I want a real man, a grown up who appreciates me and is willing, able and wants to take care of me like I am willing and able to take care of him. I want a true partner.

 

Am I wrong to want out? I won't pursue an attraction to anyone while married but I really am fond of my coworker. Am I crazy? I'm so confused any advice anyone can give would be helpful.

[Balzac]

Have you heard of "codependency"?

 

Welcome to LS. Lots of helpful and well experienced people here.

 

Is there a reason you did not separate your finances from him?

[2sure]

Your husband and you are not bringing out the best in each other. Your son will a have healthier outlook on life and relationships growing up in two separate but happier homes. Please divorce before you end up bringing cheating into this nightmare.its ok to leave.

[Mr. Lucky]

Am I wrong to want out? I won't pursue an attraction to anyone while married but I really am fond of my coworker. Am I crazy? I'm so confused any advice anyone can give would be helpful.

I hope you're sincere in your statement that you won't get involved with someone else until you've figured this out. Not only wouldn't it be fair to any of the principals but would add an extra level of craziness and stress to an already tough situation. Don't go there...

 

More than most people that post here, you seem "done". Tell your husband straight up and the two of you need to have an age-appropriate talk with your son. What are the logistics involved in separating?

 

Mr. Lucky

[veryhappy]

Forced to have sex means raped. Don't you want a life where you don't fear that?

[NeverSettle]

Warning, this will be long but I am really struggling.

 

Am I wrong to want out? I won't pursue an attraction to anyone while married but I really am fond of my coworker. Am I crazy? I'm so confused any advice anyone can give would be helpful.

Reads pretty rough. May I ask if you are taking a SSRI of any kind? Effexor, Prozac, Zoloft, etc. ?

[BetrayedH]

This is just my $.02

 

I think you owe it to your marriage to make an attempt at marriage counseling. Be honest, be clear, be direct. Communicate your dealbreakers. If he makes consistent changes over time, I think you'll be glad you didn't throw your marriage away. I wish my wife had had that one very difficult conversation with me. Instead, she had an affair. It didn't solve anything. In fact, it devastated me and then she divorced me.

 

Tell your husband exactly what you have told us. All of it, attraction to the coworker included. Give him a chance to change. I turned the world upside down in order to change once I knew my wife was so unhappy that she might leave. Then I found out that she'd already been gone for a year.

 

Once he knows he is facing divorce, if he doesn't move mountains to fix things with you, then you have your answer.

[karnak]

There's no point in living in Hell.

 

Divorce your husband and search for your happiness elsewhere (both for you and your kid's sake).

[GuyInLimbo]

This is just my $.02

 

I think you owe it to your marriage to make an attempt at marriage counseling. Be honest, be clear, be direct. Communicate your dealbreakers. If he makes consistent changes over time, I think you'll be glad you didn't throw your marriage away. I wish my wife had had that one very difficult conversation with me. Instead, she had an affair. It didn't solve anything. In fact, it devastated me and then she divorced me.

 

Tell your husband exactly what you have told us. All of it, attraction to the coworker included. Give him a chance to change. I turned the world upside down in order to change once I knew my wife was so unhappy that she might leave. Then I found out that she'd already been gone for a year.

 

Once he knows he is facing divorce, if he doesn't move mountains to fix things with you, then you have your answer.

 

She did say that the H refuses to go to counseling.

 

OP, stop worrying about being a statistic. You have a child and you owe it to him to show him what a healthy and happy adult relationship is. Staying married to guy who RAPED you is not a healthy relationship. You also owe it to YOURSELF to be happy. Worry abut being the best mom and woman you can and screw the statistics.

[NeverSettle]

She did say that the H refuses to go to counseling.

She did say: "He knows I'm serious now and all of the sudden he wants to try and see a counselor."

OP, stop worrying about being a statistic.

Obviously OP is in a bad place in her marriage but she seems to desire belief in marriage and family. It's not good that it took the desires for another man to decide now what an awful marriage she is in without being sure she has actually come clean and made a mutual attempt to repair the relationship. I'm still waiting for an honest answer to my question.

You have a child and you owe it to him to show him what a healthy and happy adult relationship is. Staying married to guy who RAPED you is not a healthy relationship.

I didn't see where the OP stated she was raped. It takes two to tango and without physical captivity and restraint mentioned, I disagree.

You also owe it to YOURSELF to be happy. Worry abut being the best mom and woman you can and screw the statistics.

Eh. So jaded.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you owe it to your marriage to make an attempt at marriage counseling.

I disagree. I think you owe it to your marriage to be open to the idea of marriage counseling. She was for a long time:

I have begged him to go with me to a marriage counselor for years. He always refused.

My experience was that, if one spouse wasn't willing to make the effort and commitment, MC is a waste of time. For a long time it was him, now - and for good reasons - it's her. Probably time to move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Midwestmom12]

I appreciate all of the replies. I am not on anything. My post reads rough because I am in a rough place. To be honest it did not take the desire of another man to make me realize I am in a bad situation.

 

I have known for years but I believe in marriage and family. I don't believe in divorce. I also thought we could work it out. I have told him I am unhappy and I told him that 3 years ago. I have tried to communicate but whenever I say something he doesn't like he gets defensive and explodes with anger.

 

He punched out our bedroom window once when our son was close by during an argument. No matter what I say or how I say it he accuses me of talking down to him and then he starts to tell me everything I do wrong. It always falls back on me.

 

He went on a trip last year and drained our bank account. This wasn't the first time this happened, in fact I had a bank close an account on me because of him. We were leaving a Resturant when I asked him about it. He kicked the garbage can down in front of the building and called me a bitch and a cunt and said I'm constantly riding him all the time.

 

I'm afraid to tell him I'm attracted to someone. I have never cheated yet he has constantly accused me of doing so in the past. I have never even thought of another man until recently.

 

I know I need to leave but my religious beliefs about marriage and a strong desire to keep my family together is honestly why I have stayed. I don't want to hurt my son.

 

As far as logistics, if we split I know he will leave the state so I don't how that will impact custody matters. I make the most money and have the more established career so he may be able to come after me for alimony even though he is working now.

 

Not sure about other factors as I am still trying to work things out in my head. I agreed to go with him to counseling but I'm not sure it will help. I feel he has hurt me too much for me to ever be able to totally forgive.

[BetrayedH]

The last line in your post is a critical one.

 

Your choices are (1) stay and put up with it (2) divorce or (3) see if counseling will work.

 

There are a lot of conflicting statements in your posts. You clearly and literally say you don't believe in divorce. Yet, you're here clearly looking for support to do just that.

 

Look at the three choices and pick one. But if you're going to choose counseling (as you've already told him), don't waste everyone's time by deciding ahead of time that he's not forgivable. In short, I recommend you get off the fence. If you're going to repair this marriage, it's going to take both of you to do it. If you're going to counseling just to say, well, we tried counseling and it failed, then quit lying to yourself and him about making the attempt. If you feel that what he has done are permanent dealbreakers, then stand by your decision.

[cheerfuldoer]

I'm concerned about your husband punching out the window during an argument with your son nearby.

 

You and your son's life and safety need to come first.

 

I believe that you know the answer, but you may need validation.

 

Good luck to you.

[Steadfast]

When I met my husband I fell in love and I never thought of another. From the beginning I believe I loved him more than he loved me. He made me laugh and we travelled together and truly enjoyed good times. He told me he loved me and introduced me to his family. We were happy and close and I felt he was the one. I found out I was pregnant after dating him a year and a half. He did a 360. Said he wasn't sure if I was the one. He wanted me to have an abortion but I refused...

 

Sadly, this is where you made your mistake. Now you're living with the emotional turmoil of being married to a man that you knew -deep down- was selfish and immature. Your story is filled with "I thought", "I believed". and "I wanted". Isn't it true what everyone says about hindsight?

 

Now you're attracted to another man. A 'real' man. But be careful; if he's even -in the slightest bit- interested in having a relationship with you he isn't a real man. He's 'the other' man. Those men want something that doesn't belong to them. You'll be trading in one loser for another loser.

 

And you'll lose your integrity.

 

Even knowing when a woman's attraction is gone, it's gone forever (and yes, what remained of the attraction for your husband was killed by your waning interests) you need to work on your marriage. Tell him straight up exactly how you feel and what you need...not what you want. Give him a chance to make good on his vow. Give him one more chance to grow up.

 

Put the other fellow out of your mind and life. Completely. You'll never reconcile your marriage with him in the shadows. You must. Or give up.

 

You made your bed. No one forced you. You need to grow up too.

[Midwestmom12]

Steadfast,

 

You made good points in your post. You're right, I do need to forget my coworker because whether I stay married or not I know an affair will not help this situation.

 

Yes, I have made mistakes and this marriage falling apart isn't all on my husband. He has some good qualities, I wouldn't have married him if he didn't. One of the previous posters mentioned codependency and in hindsight I can see how I made choices that have landed me in a codependent relationship. I need to work on myself for awhile before I get involved with someone new, so I will not have an affair. My coworker has never approached me to have an affair. He is fond of me but he respects the fact that I'm married.

 

As I have mentioned in previous posts I have talked to him about our problems. I suggested counseling for years and he always refused. I said I will go to counseling and I will try but naturally I am skeptical of the outcome after so many years of resistance from him and disappointment. I tried talking to him about a few things today. His response was walking away and putting distance between us. He either blows up when I try to talk to him or he shuts down.

 

As far as growing up, I have been the only grown up in this marriage from the start. I acknowledge my part in this but if he can't or won't change I have decided I will be moving on and I told him so today.

[Steadfast]

Sadly, in my experience and in my opinion, the counseling industry is hit and miss. More often miss. This is partly the result of some very bad counselors, but mostly due to disinterested people being dragged in. Surely, if a person is willing to better themselves, open communication would be the best proof.

 

I am sorry you're walking away. Marriages (and families) not touched by infidelity should be fought for with increased vigor. It's clear you've quit.

 

Remember, what we think we want may not be what we need. These lessons can only be learned through experience. Post often and keep us informed.

[Midwestmom12]

I don't agree with your opinion that a marriage that doesn't include infidelity should be fought for. There are a number of ways to hurt a person and cheating is not the only way. I find the threat of violence and abuse a lot more damaging. He did force me to have sex 3 weeks after I gave birth. That hurt me terribly and caused some damage but I stayed.

 

So I think this notion that I quit when I should keep fighting is ill advised and wrong. If he can't change I'm leaving, pure and simple.

[Steadfast]

I don't agree with your opinion that a marriage that doesn't include infidelity should be fought for. There are a number of ways to hurt a person and cheating is not the only way. I find the threat of violence and abuse a lot more damaging.

 

I apologize Midwestmom. I missed the post(s) that mentioned violence. I agree. You do have a responsibility to both yourself and your children.

 

IMO, violence and cheating are both abuse. Truthfully, one often leads to another. Examine and measure your motives carefully. Be smart and strong.