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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 9th November 2012, 12:21 PM   #1
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Those words you never want to hear...

..." I love you because you are the father of my children."

Hello. I am 37 year old professional, married not always happily for nine years, and have three wonderful children, 8,7, and 2. I am a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, and my marriage obviously is on the ropes, but it ain't over, at least that is what I want to believe. Here is the situation.

Marriage has always been rocky, and last year it hit the tipping point. My drinking and drug use escalated, so did my lying, porn use, etc. I went crazy because finally she said its either us or the drugs. In my heart I desired my family, but did not have the adequate tools to succesfully fight addiction. I did some really crazy things, ran back to an ex girlfriend, told her i didnt love her or never did, etc. All the bull**** you would expect from a person that has no control over addiction controlling their life. Finally, I went to AA on my on accord after she left it took me about three weeks to decide my family and my wife were worth fighting for.

She moved back into her parents, and I started AA, and we went to five MC sessions. I turned my life around no drinking, no porn, no drugs, and ironically found that indeed I loved my kids, and loved my wife.

Fast Forward

Marriage had been going great, making changes to our home, talked about refinancing to a better rate, etc. Making plans for a ten year anniversary. About ten weeks ago, her dad has been dying of brain cancer the whole time, we stopped communicating all together. Stopped sleeping together, she stopped looking at me in the eyes. I asked, and she said it was her dad. Stopped wearing her ring, said she had poison ivy. We didnt fight, I always offered my support, took care of the kids, kept living the life that i had been working on.

Her dad dies, and I had a very funny feeling that in a few weeks she would come to me and tell me she wants out. Which last thursday she did. I kept it together really good, until Saturday, had some drinks took a twelve hour drive. Came back.

I can accept the fact that some wounds you just cannot heal from. Her faith in God is what inspired me to really try AA. She wont talk to the priest and has said the church cannot do anything for us. The priest is very shocked, but tells me something dreadfully deeper is going on. Be patient and things will work out etc..,

So she has not filed yet, and i told her she can stay as long as it takes her to find a new home for her and our children. I do not want her to move back with her mom and then move again, bad for children. I have been approved for a second mortgage and plan to buy another house to move into.

For the most part I have been really level headed and have not lost my cool, I tell her that I am commited but I appreciate the space she needs. She doesnt want to try counseling says we tried already, 5 sessions, and she will never trust or love me again.

Now in my gut I believe she wanted me to react like I did last year so her choice would be easier to make. When you have been guilty all your life as I have, you pick up on guilt real easy. We do not fight, argue, and for the most part live seperate lives.

I do not want to think she is having an affair, and/or that it is truely over, but this is completely out of character for her. One thing we have always done when needed to was communicate. Part of me thinks she checked out last year, and moved back in to get out of her parents house so her dad could die in peace.

Before i jump and blow my money on some scam book or website, any advice would be grateful. I am not really hurt as I am confused. LIke i said i knew when she moved back in March that it was not a guareentee, but she really gave no indication that we were not improving either.

Please advise

Last edited by Earthgotlow; 9th November 2012 at 12:26 PM..
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Old 9th November 2012, 1:24 PM   #2
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I do not want to think she is having an affair, and/or that it is truely over, but this is completely out of character for her.
Lots going on here that is difficult for an outsider to assess. While I understand you don't want to think she's cheating, much of her behavior would indicate it's a possibility. Were I you, I'd dig deeper.

Also, having dealt with a family member that was alcoholic/addicted, I can tell you that much of the anger and resentment from those that had to deal with your abuse comes out after you get sober. During the drinking and drug use, those around you are so caught up in dealing with the drama and insanity that they don't have time to process their own feelings. That can come later. While you were in AA, did she attend Al-ANON?

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Old 9th November 2012, 1:37 PM   #3
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I don't think you have that much control over what she does. Your past issues have likely scarred her in some really strong ways, and it sounds like what you said - she has just finally checked out.

I do know this - you have to be the best you that you can be, for you and for your children.

Focus on yourself right now. Work out. Get hobbies. Take your children to interesting places. Do things to bring happiness and meaning to your life. Show her through your actions that you are healed and trustworthy.

Even if she moves forward with the divorce, that doesn't mean it is necessarily the end. I have known many couples who got back together after a divorce. But even if that doesn't happen, being sober and happy is going to make you a better father, and will make you a better partner to her in parenting. And will make you healthier for the next relationship.
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Old 9th November 2012, 2:00 PM   #4
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I had mentioned Al-Anon several times she never seemed interested so I didn't force the issue. I still attend meetings and call my sponsor everyday. I am grateful that she stuck with me just long enough to see me turn my life around, if indeed this was her intentions. I have enjoyed our children and her company since moving back in April.

I just can't understand why she is so cold and callous when I ask personal questions concerning our marriage. You know the first part of the Serenity Prayer says accept the things I cannot change and I keep praying for her, and saying the Serenity prayer.


A year ago I did everything I could to throw it away, and now I will do everything to save it. Thanks for the insight.
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Old 9th November 2012, 2:05 PM   #5
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I just can't understand why she is so cold and callous when I ask personal questions concerning our marriage.
One of two reasons...

- She is completely checked out and DONE, and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She's moved on.

Or

- She is confused and doesn't know what she feels, and is actively avoiding dealing with it in any real way.

Could be either one.
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Old 9th November 2012, 2:12 PM   #6
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I will pray for the later one thing I do know it is very crucial for me not to press her. A lot of the feelings she had for me were out on hold when her dad was diagnosed with cancer. Finally, she has an opportunity to deal with those emotions and what comes out the worse. I can only give her space, and be supportive and let her realize the changes I am making are permanent. After all, I said the exact same words, even worse, to her last year.

It's tough but at least my heart and head r in good places now and she is partially responsible for that. I will be eternally grateful for her role she played in my sobriety.
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Old 9th November 2012, 2:17 PM   #7
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One of two reasons...

- She is completely checked out and DONE, and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. She's moved on.

Or

- She is confused and doesn't know what she feels, and is actively avoiding dealing with it in any real way.

Could be either one.
Or three, she has at least the emotional support of someone else. It's at least a possibility...

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Old 9th November 2012, 2:33 PM   #8
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Or three, she has at least the emotional support of someone else. It's at least a possibility...

Mr. Lucky
It's possible, very unlikely. Vulnerability can cloud judgement and there are many predators in this world.

I will give her space and let her know that the lines of communication are always open, and continue to better myself. I will not press her but she needs to know I have not given up, and am not ready to quit.

There is not tactful way to tell her that now though, as for now that door is shut and sealed tight. Perhaps, next week I will let her know.
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Old 9th November 2012, 4:04 PM   #9
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It's possible, very unlikely. Vulnerability can cloud judgement and there are many predators in this world.
Earthgotlow, you might have to open your eyes a little bit and be prepared for different outcomes. If your W is in a new emotional or physical relationship, she wasn't preyed upon. She would have made a choice. And while we can argue that those choices are unwise, unwarranted or unsupported, they still stand as individual decisions made at the time. You don't fix any of the bad choices you've made by excusing hers. Obviously, all speculation at this point...

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Old 9th November 2012, 5:54 PM   #10
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Earthgotlow, you might have to open your eyes a little bit and be prepared for different outcomes. If your W is in a new emotional or physical relationship, she wasn't preyed upon. She would have made a choice. And while we can argue that those choices are unwise, unwarranted or unsupported, they still stand as individual decisions made at the time. You don't fix any of the bad choices you've made by excusing hers. Obviously, all speculation at this point...

Mr. Lucky
I agree. Mine was not the same situation as yours (drinking, etc. - btw, congratulations on sobriety), but I heard those words. He loved me as my son's mother and he had someone else. I guess that could come from somewhere else, but I knew what it was and I was right. Made me sick. UGH What the he** does that actually mean, anyway?

You have made the best choice anyway, no matter what has happened, by getting sober and working your program. Make that a priority and it may be that you don't have any influence over what your wife decides, but you do with your own decisions. Really wish you the best - good luck.
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Old 9th November 2012, 10:04 PM   #11
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@Steen

It certainly wasnt easy to give up drugs and alcohol after 26 long years but everything is possible with God.

My wife and I had, at the very least, a product conversation this evening. Seems that she cannot get past the pain. I respect that, said she might even watch a movie later.

Now changing pace, I need to prepare myself since she did say she was filing for divorce next week. I like to blame myself but the custody thing isnt flying with me. I am a terrific father and my children adore me, now that I am sober that is. She wants me to get the kids one night during the week, and every other weekend, WTF? She says she believes it is in the best interest of the children, but I believe if the relationship is healthy then children need their parents. I know she is going to start the guilt BS when i push back on this one, but i believe our kids will adapt well.

Any one have a thought on this? I know i prolly need to get an attorney no matter how peaceful we make this. A good one and a mean one, someone not worried about her needs or wants. Correct?

What are the best steps i can take at this point?
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Old 9th November 2012, 11:03 PM   #12
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Now changing pace, I need to prepare myself since she did say she was filing for divorce next week. I like to blame myself but the custody thing isnt flying with me. I am a terrific father and my children adore me, now that I am sober that is. She wants me to get the kids one night during the week, and every other weekend, WTF? She says she believes it is in the best interest of the children, but I believe if the relationship is healthy then children need their parents. I know she is going to start the guilt BS when i push back on this one, but i believe our kids will adapt well.

Any one have a thought on this? I know i prolly need to get an attorney no matter how peaceful we make this. A good one and a mean one, someone not worried about her needs or wants. Correct?
Yes, you will certainly want legal representation by an attorney experienced in men's divorce issues. And co-parenting can work if both parents cooperate. My son was 3 nights a week at my house for a decade after we divorced until he went away to college. It was his "normal" and worked well because my ex and I figured out it was best for him. Be prepared to put some serious miles on your car !!!

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Old 10th November 2012, 12:01 AM   #13
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EARTH,

My WW left just two days after her stepfather passed.
My alcohol anonymous moment was 18 yrs ago.Congrats on sobriety,I know how the other side of the coin looks.

Don't fall into the poor me,poor me....pour me another trick.That would only make your life worse and validate her decision to go!!!

When they leave they,they leave for a reason.They also have a plan..maybe not a well thought out plan but still a plan.Mine also had a guilt trip planned for me ,watch out for that one. I didn't bite on the guilt trip!

They (including my WW) always say "no,there is no other man.I will always love you,I could never see me with someone else, I don't need a man,I'm just confused and need a little time away,to get my thoughts clear". I don't know if my WW had or has a man,most likely mine is lying. I don't know about yours.I will say that I think my WW did.Doesn't really matter,not my problem anymore.

I see it like this ,if they love you ,they don't leave you and if they leave you, they don't love you.

Focus on the things in life that matter most,your SOBRIETY should be number one now.The rest will follow in time.Just know you are not the first and won't be the last.

Just know you are in the right place.
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Old 10th November 2012, 12:56 AM   #14
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You all couldn't be any closer to the truth. Had a very long discussion with my sponsor tonight, trust me nothing is more important as my Sobriety. Like I said I will always be grateful for her at least sticking around until I sobered up. Thanks for the input. I will keep everyone posted
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Old 10th November 2012, 7:42 AM   #15
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I just can't understand why she is so cold and callous when I ask personal questions concerning our marriage.
In all probability because she NEEDS to in order to emotionally detach from the anger and anguish and distress that she feels so she can look at the issues between you in a more dispassionate way. It helps her with TRYING to rationalise things.

Patience and understanding and listening are your best friends right now, no matter what happens.
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