Am I blindsiding my husband, or playing it smart?

[Lucky_n_Love]

I posted here about 6 months ago, determined to fall in love with my husband again and save my marriage. Well, that didn't go as planned.

 

Nothing major happened, just much of the same. We are 2 very different people leading 2 very separate lives. My main complaint with my husband is that he is a very angry person. He flies off the handle for no apparent reason, and I'm tired of worrying everyday about not upsetting him. I see my once sensitive son picking up a few of his father's traits and it scares me to death. I was away on business last week, and received several texts from my daughter begging me to come home because her father was so cranky. I tried to tell him to lay off her, and she became more upset because he questioned why she was complaining to me. The final straw was a couple days ago when my daughter didn't want to come home from school when it was just her father here, because of his moods. My children should feel safe and secure in their own home.

 

Anyway, when I returned from my trip, we had a major fight. He was in a bad mood because he didn't want me to go in the first place. He blames me making him mad all the time, and I told him he has an anger problem and needs to get help. He got very mad. Not violent at all, but said some very nasty things to me. I asked him to leave, and he laughed at me and said he will never ever leave this house.

 

So I made the decision to leave.

 

My plan is to rent a 3 bedroom house for me and the children. The problem is, it will probably take 6 months or more until I can manage this financially.

 

So, rather than deal with an angry spouse for 6 months, I have decided to not say anything and keep the peace.

 

Already, my husband is acting as if everything is fine. He is making an effort to spend time with me, and is being very affectionate. I am being nice back, but not really initiating conversation. He knows I'm not myself, but I suppose he assumes I'm still a bit upset about our fight, and that I will get over it in time.

 

I am determined to leave, but feel like I'm living a lie. I don't want to deceive my husband, but I know if I tell him I'm planning to leave, our lives will be hell until I actually make the move.

 

So, I guess my question is...Is it okay keep my plans to myself, or am I making this harder for him in the long run?

[Cb3657]

I think the goal of saving for leaving and paying for therapy may be mutually exclusive, she has to save for 6 months to leave, this suggests to me that she has low means to take on the bill for conselling.

Maybe say to your husband, if your don't start seeing someone for your anger I will leave, don't go into detail. Does his anger ever get violent?, even towards the dog etc..? If so getting into details is not where you need to go, but you should give him a heads up about where you are.

What is likely is you will move out then he will really start to deal with this, I wonder if that will be too little too late for your marriage, do you want to salvage or are you done?

I hope it works out.

[Lucky_n_Love]

It's feels so good to have someone to 'talk' to about this. Noone in my real life knows we have any problems.

 

You're right, Sapientia, 'Sorry' is not in my husband's vocabulary. Everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault. Not necessarily mine. Sometimes when he is moody, he later tells me he had a bad day at work, or his mother got on his nerves.

 

Cb3657...It's strange to me that you mention the dog. He is actually violent toward the dog and she is terrified of him. It breaks my heart. But I'm sure he wouldn't lay a hand on me. I'm not afraid of that. I am afraid of the in-your-face yelling, and name-calling. He won't care if the kids are present or not. When he is mad, nothing else matters. That is why I want to wait to tell him.

 

I know that councelling is excellent advice. I am lucky to have EAP through my workplace. I actually called them a few months back when I considered leaving, but I chickened out before actually seeing a therapist. I am so scared to go to councelling, particularly with my husband. I'm afraid of what he will say. I don't want to hear all the things he hates about me. Is this normal?

 

I'm almost 100% done with this marriage. I've considered leaving for a long, long time. Each time I changed my mind, and things were good for a few months. Then the next blow-up would happen, and I would wish I hadn't stayed so long. It scares me how un-emotional I am when I think about walking away.

 

Thanks for listening.

I will try to convince myself to call EAP again, and continue to take things day by day.

[2sure]

Your son is starting to show some of the same anger issues as his Dad.

Your daughter is afraid to come home when he is there alone.

He is so violent to the dog that it breaks your heart, but you are forced to allow it.

 

This kind of behavior only escalates. See an attorney.

[Lucky_n_Love]

almost 100% done with the marriage?

 

but not completely?

 

So i`m a bit confused.

 

What do you need to do lower that percentage?

 

What do you need him to do to lower it?

 

Are you really confused?

I'm sure I'm not the first person to be unsure of her marriage. I wish I could see into the future, and know what would be best for us.

 

Your question about lowering the percentage has me stumped. I never really considered the fact that I could be happy here again. I'm trying to decide if it's better for myself and my children to live in a stressful home, or to break up our family.

[Lucky_n_Love]

Your son is starting to show some of the same anger issues as his Dad.

Your daughter is afraid to come home when he is there alone.

He is so violent to the dog that it breaks your heart, but you are forced to allow it.

 

This kind of behavior only escalates. See an attorney.

 

When you point out those lines, my H sounds like a monster. To be fair, he's not like that all the time. When he's happy, things are good. It's just that he gets ticked off over the littlest things...

 

I am going to make the call to EAP tomorrow, and start councelling on my own. I'm not going to tell my husband yet.

[LadyGrey]

I think you need to google verbal and emotional abuse because from the sounds of it, this is what your husband is doing to you. Also be aware that he could escalate to violence, since he does hurt the dog. Please look up domestic violence so you will be aware of the signs that it might escalate. I don't mean to scare you but you should be aware that it can and sometimes does happen.

 

Your husband doesn't control his anger and he sounds like a powder keg getting ready to blow. He can.......because obviously he doesn't act like that while out of the house does he? I bet not..........so remember, he chooses not to.

 

 

Please be strong and don't subject your children to this dysfunctional dynamic and get out as soon as possible or insist that he get help if you are to stay. If your children grow up hearing this, they will likely become this way themselves or get involved with someone who does them to them when they are teens or adults.