!! Husband left after 7 years... ?

[britbabe1192]

**This may get long** I want to share my story and see if anyone can figurethis out or have any words of wisdom for me....

 

 

So my husband and I have been married for 7.5 years and together on and offfor 10. I say on and off because when we dated things were great and suddenlyhe would break up with me outta no where (red flag??) he would say stuff to melike, "I’m falling in love with you" then break up with me citingthat "it shouldn't be this hard" to make something work, only a fewdays later... this went on for quite some time and it took an emotional toll onme. Well he enlisted in the Air Force without my knowledge and that was how wefinally ended it for good, I thought. He even left for basic and never saidgoodbye or anything. It was devastating. Well I moved on and started to finallydate when out of the blue I got a call from him saying all the things he neveronce said while we were dating "I love you" "I need you in mylife" " my thoughts always come back to you" and I was hookedagain. He found out that he had to go to Japan and we decided that we would getmarried so I could go. It wasn't like we weren't ever going to, but themarriage process was sped along because he only had a short time between Basicand Japan that we could get married in. So we did and everything was great. Wewere young and it was hard the first two years over in Japan, but we did it andI feel like it made us grow closer as a couple. He was great to me and a reallyattentive husband. We decided that we would try for kids and had a beautifulbaby girl about 3 years into our marriage. When she was three months old myhusband when out with work buddies one night and was acting really odd. It gotlate and I called him and he wouldn't come home. I knew something was wrong. Hedid a complete 180 personality wise and acted very cold to me. I did somesnooping on his MySpace and found out he was seeing someone on base, anotherman's wife. He slept with her once and I literally caught home like the dayafter he did it. He said she perused him and it was a onetime thing. Note thatinfidelity can get you kicked out of the Air Force. Ugh. So we were about amonth away from leaving Japan for good when all this happened. We decided thatmaybe it was because of the stress of everything and us being isolated and wedecided to try to see where things when we got home. Well upon coming homethings just went. We never talked about the incident and life just went. I knewwe were going to stay together because he mentioned buying a house together andrenewing out vows. So we bought a house and lived as one happy family for thenext 4 years. Over this time I thought we grew really strong as a couple and Ifelt like one of those couples that cheating had made our marriage stronger. Iknew my husband had a problem opening up his emotions so since the affair Imake sure to always check in with him "are we ok?" "Are youhappy?" it’s always yes yes yes. We are really like the perfect couple. Wenever really fight and do many fun things together as a family. We have a tonof stuff in common. And we have since raised our girl into a fun loving 4 yearold with lots of spunk. I feel like we had it all. I also want to mention thatour sex life is great! He was never really a high sex drive kind of guy, but wehave fun and it's fun and satisfying. I try to do whatever I can to please himand him the same to me. I also am a great wife. I am attractive and in greatshape. I cook, clean, do it all. Well one night after him going out with afriend who was in town and not coming home till 5am with no call it all camecrashing down. I was upset about how late he came home and he blurted out hewas un happy. I was in panic mode because I saw that switch flip in him againand he turned into ice before my eyes. So I went into sobbing, begging, cryingpleading and at first he kept saying "am still here aren’t I?" but Iknew we were in trouble. He kept saying it'll be fine maybe in just hung overand not thinking clearly, but I kept pushing to find out what was going on. Themore I wanted to talk the more hurtful things he said, "I never lovedyou." "I only married you because I was lonely and knew you lovedme" "I don’t think you are the one" "I never pictured usgrowing old together" even tho he just wrote that in a recent anniversarycard. So he moved out to his moms. I am a SAHM and have no job or education becauseup until recently we couldn’t afford for me to work or go to school (daycarecosts and books) And I told him he can't leave I have nothing and he says"it's not my fault" He agreed to live at his moms for the next threeyears while I go to nursing school and he also agreed to pay for me to rent ahouse for my daughter and I to live in. But he just doesn’t want to make itwork. I don’t understand how a man could not give me a chance to correct whathe thought was wrong. And leave our daughter too. She is heartbroken. He seesher Tue Thru and every other Sat. But I am so mad!! I never wanted to be asingle mom. He acts like he isn’t doing this to her, but he is. As an adultwhose mom left my dad when I was 5 I know what she is facing and how she feelsand my heart breaks for her. How could someone do this to their kid? He saysthat he can't talk to me, but I think that is a problem he will have withanyone. I just thought we had the perfect family and people would kill to havehis life. He was attentive up until d-day. And I have asked and asked and thereisn’t anyone else this time. I have looked on his phone, his laptop,nothing....I just wonder if I pushed too hard for an answer and made him leave?How could a man walk away from a person he shares things in common with, who'sattractive, and loves him unconditionally???? I feel utterly mind f**ked![/sIZE][/FONT]

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[CarrieT]

**This may get long** I want to share my story and see if anyone can figurethis out or have any words of wisdom for me....

 

 

So my husband and I have been married for 7.5 years and together on and off for 10. I say on and off because when we dated things were great and suddenly he would break up with me outta no where (red flag??) he would say stuff to me like, "I’m falling in love with you" then break up with me citing that "It shouldn't be this hard" to make something work, only a few days later...

 

This went on for quite some time and it took an emotional toll on me. Well he enlisted in the Air Force without my knowledge and that was how we finally ended it for good, I thought. He even left for basic and never said goodbye or anything. It was devastating.

 

Well I moved on and started to finally date when out of the blue I got a call from him saying all the things he never once said while we were dating "I love you" "I need you in my life." "My thoughts always come back to you" and I was hooked again. He found out that he had to go to Japan and we decided that we would get married so I could go. It wasn't like we weren't ever going to, but the marriage process was sped along because he only had a short time between Basic and Japan that we could get married in. So we did and everything was great.

 

We were young and it was hard the first two years over in Japan, but we did it and I feel like it made us grow closer as a couple. He was great to me and a really attentive husband. We decided that we would try for kids and had a beautiful baby girl about 3 years into our marriage. When she was three months old my husband when out with work buddies one night and was acting really odd. It got late and I called him and he wouldn't come home. I knew something was wrong.

 

He did a complete 180 personality wise and acted very cold to me. I did some snooping on his MySpace and found out he was seeing someone on base, another man's wife. He slept with her once and I literally caught home like the day after he did it. He said she perused him and it was a onetime thing. Note that infidelity can get you kicked out of the Air Force. Ugh.

 

So we were about a month away from leaving Japan for good when all this happened. We decided that maybe it was because of the stress of everything and us being isolated and we decided to try to see where things when we got home. Well upon coming home things just went. We never talked about the incident and life just went. I knew we were going to stay together because he mentioned buying a house together and renewing out vows.

 

So we bought a house and lived as one happy family for the next 4 years. Over this time I thought we grew really strong as a couple and I felt like one of those couples that cheating had made our marriage stronger. I knew my husband had a problem opening up his emotions so since the affair I make sure to always check in with him "are we ok?" "Are you happy?" it’s always yes yes yes. We are really like the perfect couple. We never really fight and do many fun things together as a family. We have a ton of stuff in common. And we have since raised our girl into a fun loving 4 year old with lots of spunk. I feel like we had it all.

 

I also want to mention that our sex life is great! He was never really a high sex drive kind of guy, but we have fun and it's fun and satisfying. I try to do whatever I can to please him and him the same to me. I also am a great wife. I am attractive and in great shape. I cook, clean, do it all.

 

Well one night after him going out with a friend who was in town and not coming home till 5:00 a.m. with no call it all came crashing down. I was upset about how late he came home and he blurted out he was un-happy. I was in panic mode because I saw that switch flip in him again and he turned into ice before my eyes.

 

So I went into sobbing, begging, crying pleading and at first he kept saying "am still here aren’t I?" But I knew we were in trouble. He kept saying it'll be fine maybe in just hung over and not thinking clearly, but I kept pushing to find out what was going on. The more I wanted to talk the more hurtful things he said, "I never loved you." "I only married you because I was lonely and knew you loved me" "I don’t think you are the one" "I never pictured us growing old together" even tho he just wrote that in a recent anniversary card.

 

So he moved out to his moms. I am a SAHM and have no job or education because up until recently we couldn’t afford for me to work or go to school (daycare costs and books) And I told him he can't leave I have nothing and he says"it's not my fault" He agreed to live at his moms for the next three years while I go to nursing school and he also agreed to pay for me to rent a house for my daughter and I to live in. But he just doesn’t want to make it work.

 

I don’t understand how a man could not give me a chance to correct wha the thought was wrong. And leave our daughter too. She is heartbroken. He sees her Tue Thru and every other Sat. But I am so mad!! I never wanted to be a single mom. He acts like he isn’t doing this to her, but he is. As an adult whose mom left my dad when I was 5. I know what she is facing and how she feels and my heart breaks for her. How could someone do this to their kid?

 

He says that he can't talk to me, but I think that is a problem he will have with anyone. I just thought we had the perfect family and people would kill to have his life. He was attentive up until d-day. And I have asked and asked and there isn’t anyone else this time. I have looked on his phone, his laptop,nothing....I just wonder if I pushed too hard for an answer and made him leave?

 

How could a man walk away from a person he shares things in common with, who's attractive, and loves him unconditionally???? I feel utterly mind f**ked!

 

Edited for clarity.

[Yasuandio]

Dear BB,

 

You have been mind-effed. Now you have to get your act together, cause you are a mom. Many others with weigh in here on your issue soon, so keep an eye out, and welcome to LS, sorry you find yourself here.

 

It doesn't look like you have a lot of choices here. At lest for now, he's done. My first gut reation was to take everything he is will to give at the moment and get yourself set up - BEFORE starting any formal separation and/or divorce proceedings. By that, I mean, get your new place, get enrolled in the school you want, and get the ball moving in your chosen school/career - asap while he is paying for it - like now. Once that is established, a judge may be more likely to rule to continue the same type of support that in a temporary order (if a separation and divorce proceeds), depending on the details of your case and the state in which you live.

 

But, here's the monkey wrench I suspect. Yuor husband will probably have to be happy with the choice you decide upon - where the college is located, where you live, etc. Do you want to move to a different area? Can you give us more details about what you want?

 

If you want him back, you must just let him go, for real. Is that what you want? Do you want to apply every strategy possible? Then, look up the 180, and NC and apply them NOW. Nothing will bring him back. You can only bring yourself back, and you can only make yourself happy - and, it is possible, you may become attractive to him again. But not thru begging, crying, reasoning, calling, texting, etc. You have to use counter-intuitive measures - with the goal of improving only yourself - and forward march - no matter what. When you absolutely mean it, sometimes, not always, there is a shift in the momentum. Good luck, Yas

Edited October 14, 2012 by Yasuandio

[britbabe1192]

Thanks for responding. Yeah mind Effed pretty bad. He dropped this bomb onme a week before our Disneyland trip, did I mention that? And we were going tostart trying for baby #2 after that.... Ugh. Anyway, he has said he doesn'twant any lawyers involved cuz either he has to pay lawyers for me to take allhis money or he just gives it to me willingly. I still have access to the bankand still pay all the bills etc... He has never mentioned the word divorcethrough all this. I have told him that I need his health insurance throughschool and he has agreed to that. The school I will be going to is withinwalking distance to our current home and I don't see him putting up too much afight if the house I pick is a little farther away.

 

What I want? Well I want him to realize his mistake and come running home tome and hug me and kiss me and say he is SO SORRY. However I know that

 

I feel like I should hate this man for what he has done. He lied to me andstrung me along, knowing full well that he didn't want this. A part of me doeshate him, but a part of me also wants my daughter to have her mom and dad inthe home, unlike what I had. That is why I tried so hard to be the perfectwife. And it still wasn't enough.

 

]I am trying to have NC with him and am trying to live my life and "dome" but it is hard when I have to see him twice a week when he p/u anddrops off my daughter. How can I do NC with a kid?

I called him 2 weeks ago andbasically told him I was done and I wouldn't beg anymore or cry. I didn't wanthim to avoid me because of fear that I would do this or something. So I toldhim I wave my white flag and I hope he finds the happiness he is looking for.He seemed really happy about this. His tone changed. He was very sweet in theconversation. ???

 

Every time I have to see him I have panic attacks, so I am thinking ofhaving a third party be here when he picks her up and drops her off so I don’t have to see him.

 

I just feel like he loves me despite what he has said. I just don't know whyhe fights it so much. I don't know why he put me through cheating on me, thenstaying just to leave me again. He had an easy out 4 years ago, y did he stay?

 

I think he is dealing with commitment issues. And i guess he has beentalking to his brother and it always comes back to his childhood and how awfulit was. His Father did this to his mom after 25 years of marriage, and is nothappier like he thought.

 

There is a lot of layers here and I'm driving myself crazy trying to figureit out!!!

 

I'm not being naïve when I say we had a great marriage, we really did. Lots of date nights, family outtings, and great sex....not to be gross or TMI, but I even gave him oral! I mean come on!!!

Edited October 14, 2012 by britbabe1192

[britbabe1192]

I'm really hoping to get some more feedback on this PLEASE

[trippi1432]

Hi Britbabe - two things you have said you have here....your husband is a two-time cheater and someone who is following in his father's footsteps, the fact is, that problem IS his. What was in between was what you made for you and your daughter...a life. He participated in it, participated..you need to understand the difference between participated and committed.

 

The first time he cheated, it got swept under the rug. There was a lot going on, but the fact is, he never had to be accountable for it. Now, he does it again, but he still feigns accountability by giving you material things but by not giving himself. My advice, take them, you earned them.

 

I'm going to correct one thing in the advice Yas gave you:

If you want him back, you must just let him go

the rest of her advice was spot on, but it's not about getting him back. There is no strategy with a cheater, there is only accountability and a boundary. The one thing your husband has said that was right is "It's not your fault".

 

You will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what was wrong with YOU that caused him to cheat, the fact is, there probably is nothing wrong with you. But that day when he does come back and says those same words "My thoughts always come back to you", you will be stronger and have moved so beyond him, it won't really matter.

 

As info - my first exH was a repeat offender...I don't say these things out of bitterness, it was when I learned to let go of the emotional bond that I had with him but he never had with me, that I learned to move forward with my life for myself and our child. The key is not the 180, it's when you stop blaming yourself for something that was never your fault to begin with.

[trippi1432]

Edited for clarity.

 

TY CarrieT!

[GuyInLimbo]

How could a man walk away from a person he shares things in common with, who'sattractive, and loves him unconditionally???? I feel utterly mind f**ked![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

I'll let other people address the other things you ask, but being attractive and loving someone unconditionally does not entitle one to love. It's very admirable that you have those qualities. And, yes, those are key things to maintaining happiness (with the exception of attractiveness - there's a saying I was once told that will always stay with me and it goes for BOTH sexes: Every time you look at a hot girl/guy, there's someone who is really tired of them.) But, putting in an effort to be attractive, clean, etc. is something men like me DO value.

 

I could go into many of the reasons my wife turns me off, but this is your thread.

[britbabe1192]

Guy~ I totally agree. I didn't feel like I thought he should love me because I'm beautiful and all that, but more like it was just the icing on the cake to ALL that I bring to our relationship.

 

Trippi~ Thank you for your words. It's all helping so much to make me feel better I think my H and I made some HUGE mistakes on how we handled the cheating years ago. But hindsight is 20/20 huh?

 

I feel like I'm stuck in some co-dependant web right now, and even tho all these things point to no, bad idea, get out while you still can..... I feel like IF he did come back I would take him....

 

We talked briefly last night about visitation and I asked how he liked staying at his mom's and he said "not much" and I asked if he was happy and he said "I don't know, sometimes" a few weeks ago when I asked him that, he was very confident, "yes, I'm very happy" so who knows....

[yessy21]

I'm really hoping to get some more feedback on this PLEASE

 

 

He is showing signs of interest in another woman. she might not show up right away but she will soon. He isnt in love with you. he CARES for you, but isnt in love. you need to step back and realize this. if he comes back it will be just because he doesnt want to be alone, or because he couldnt achieve his previous plan.

I know, I know ( how do u know its someone else) he is a serial cheater, and im pretty sure he has cheated on you more than you thought.

 

WHAT I WOULD DO.

 

1. Have a third party involved. It will help your healing process.

 

2. NC unless its by email. it needs to be documented.

 

3. start your preparations to a new better life.

 

4. DONT LOOK BACk. if he left you once, he will leave you again.

 

 

Give yourself a makeover, give your life a makeover. People that play with others emotions are in lack of respect , love, and compassion in their life.

 

if he cant snag the doll he wants... and he sees you doing better, he will try to come back, and by you accepting him, it would be like taking a leap back and accepting all he has done to you. No respect to you, and No respect to your child.

[britbabe1192]

yessy~

 

I really don't think there is a particular woman he is eyeing, but I think he just has a interest in another woman in general, that isn't me. I am 99.99% sure he hasn't done it since we left Japan 4 years ago, because he is always with me and his work OT is documented by more $$ on the paychecks. I don't know....there is a slight chance, but I doubt it.

 

I asked him agin last time we spoke and he steadfastly denies anyone else. I feel like we are at the point where it couldn't make it much worse if he were to admit to that and he has even said to me, "it almost sounds like you wish there WAS someone else" maybe I do. Might give some explanation to what is going on...

 

I am at that stage right now where I just hate him. And tomorrow I'll be weepy wishing I had my old life back. I am feeling crazy sometimes.

 

I have been in therapy once a week for a few weeks and really think I need to bump it to 2x's

 

And your right NC is a must! he gets too sarcastic and rude on the phone with me so email is my only option right now.

 

I feel like I'm am going to be severly jaded when this is all said and done... anyone else feel that way???

[yessy21]

yessy~

"it almost sounds like you wish there WAS someone else"

QUOTE]

 

 

My ex boyfriend said the same thing after we broke up. turns out he had left me and our daughter for his dead best friends gf. it took about 2 months for it to show. but it was confirmed that it was going on for months before he left.

 

When i asked him if there was someone else. he said. "keep wishing it. "

 

i never wished it. he just didnt want to look like an a******* in front of his family and friends..so he waited a 2 months before introducing her as his live in gf. because they were already living together.

[yessy21]

its going to be a rocky road. with a lot of emotional stress and pain. falling in love is beautiful but if all goes wrong it can be equally painful.

 

after my breakup... i lived a little more. and that helped me. i dressed a little more out there, i went skydiving, i looked for myself. i realized that i was never really happy, just comftorable. i wont lie, there are times that i think about it, but i found someone better and i dont ever want to go back to that.... that...emptiness.

[Tiberius]

Many men thesedays feel a divorce is not an if but and when, so they figure its best to file before the marriage drags on for too long and the ex is entitled to a lot, but not so soon that he couldnt build a relationship to his kids.

[britbabe1192]

As if he didn't hurt me enough through all this, sometime he come here to our house and puts our daughter to bed for me while I am at a yoga class (very nice of him I know) but, when I come home he is out the door and getting into his car before I even get out of my car. It's like he can't even be around me. How can we be "co-parents" as he keeps saying when he runs to leave the second I get home...?????

[trippi1432]

BritBabe - you are still working in the mindset that you can change him, that you can put the infidelity behind you....you are working on the competitive challenge that you need to win him back and he will see you are the only one for him (forget that he picks up that ogling eye that falls out of his head each time a new chance to conquer something comes up).

 

Co-parenting is giving each other personal space and keeping it to just the DD. It's not about your marriage, how to fix it, to make demands or to be into him or him into you.....You continue to ask him about his external relationships, if he's happy...etc. That's not co-parenting....that's you trying to get close to him and put you in his life with the DD, he runs, that should tell you something. Time to work on healing. Extreme Limited Contact (LC) meaning no contact unless it is only about the DD and not trivial stuff....real, tangible issues or needs for her.

[britbabe1192]

I'm trying really hard, I am . It literally all happened about 4 weeks ago so the wounds are still fresh. I just can't imagine his life is better, I know it is not. So I am still trying to just wrap my head around the fact he isn't here and all he walked away from. I am trying tho, really I am. It's just so hard.

 

Especailly when he makes comments to me like, "I am not a babysitter" WTF kind of parent says that. Ugh. maybe the same kind that walk out on his family......

[2sure]

He has turned cold on you several times inexplicably. He has left you without warning in the past. He thinks nothing of it, it isn't hard for him to wake up in the morning and just ...,be done.

 

Even if he comes back again....you really want to be with someone capable of this? You want to always be waiting for him to dump you the day after he says he is madly in love?

 

Stick with your plan as long as long as you are getting yourself in order.

Then get an attorney. You can't count on this man and neither can your daughter. Take care of her, you are who she has. He is just there.

[britbabe1192]

2 sure~ thank you I really need to just repeat that to myself everyday, i do It's so true, but my mind is still foggy and I just know if he tries to come back i'll take him. I would love to have 4 more years of bliss than this any day, even if he does leave me again...that's sick huh?

[2sure]

Sick? I don't know about that. But it's sure EASIER isn't it?

You have to look at him , look at yourself, look at your daughter....and choose what's healthy and right, not what's easier.

 

In life, the most wonderful thing is to have someone you can count on. You don't have that. But you can. It has to be you.

 

The longer you can hold out, get angry, visualize goals without him...the less you will want to do with him.

 

He is unhappy with himself and blames you. He will soon find, as he has before, that he is still unhappy and come back. Stop the cycle.

[britbabe1192]

HELP!!!

 

So I have been trying to get started on a nurse program and after the orientation today I had a mini panic attack at all the work that it requires and just facing that alone seemed scary. Well after talking to my husband he said he could live with me for the next 4 years till I finish so he could help with our daughter and stuff. He said I'll be so busy with school that we will hardly see eachother and on the weekends, if sleeping in the same bed is too hard he can stay at his moms at night and during the day if there are things we would normally do as a family one of us can take our daughter to do that.

 

I don't know. I don't know what to do. He said he wouldn't agree to not seeing anyone else, but I doubt he would have time anyway. Some of my family thinks this might be the opportunity i need to reel him back in etc....

 

Any Advice???

[trippi1432]

He said he wouldn't agree to not seeing anyone else,

 

Honestly.....I would sit here and ask myself if I were only worth that? Did you do anything to deserve less?

 

If you want to go back to school..why do you NEED him?

[britbabe1192]

I am better than that I was just feeling overwhelmed with everything I am facing, but I have it mapped out and feel a lot better now. He has agreed to help me as much as he can while I am in school. He would even come here everyday from about 3-8 to take care of our daughter so I can study and get stuff done. But it's true, he doesn't have to live here to do that.

 

I want so bad just to tell him off. I had a little set back yesterday trying to convince him this was a bad idea and he would regret this, but alas you can't argue with stupid. It's just he keeps saying stuff like,"I dont know what the future holds" "I haven't even been gone that long" "i dont know if I want to be done with us forever" and it makes it hard. Is that psychological abuse some how?

 

Then he tells me that he doesn't want to be with me and he doesnt want to work on us....NOW.

 

I tell you what I will be so happy when I am done with school in 3 years and able to divorce his ass and finally be free! It's going to be a hard 3 years tho, knowing that we are still "married" and thinking that it isnt over till its over per say. I wish I could have the finality now, but I need his health insurance through school.

[GuyInLimbo]

HELP!!!

 

So I have been trying to get started on a nurse program and after the orientation today I had a mini panic attack at all the work that it requires and just facing that alone seemed scary. Well after talking to my husband he said he could live with me for the next 4 years till I finish so he could help with our daughter and stuff. He said I'll be so busy with school that we will hardly see eachother and on the weekends, if sleeping in the same bed is too hard he can stay at his moms at night and during the day if there are things we would normally do as a family one of us can take our daughter to do that.

 

I don't know. I don't know what to do. He said he wouldn't agree to not seeing anyone else, but I doubt he would have time anyway. Some of my family thinks this might be the opportunity i need to reel him back in etc....

 

Any Advice???

 

Are you kidding? Seriously. Are you kidding? Have you not listened to one thing anyone has told you so far? Stop ignoring the obvious here.

[britbabe1192]

I know, I know.... I need a virtual slap right about now

 

I just figured my life would be easier if he were living here till I finished school. Honestly, once I have my RN all locked down i kinda don't care if he goes. I just want to be able to support my child is all.

 

Obviously, I would never agree if he didn't agree not to see anyone else. Although my step-dad was so apt to point out he also agreed when we got married not to cheat on me, and we all know how that went....

 

I am a child of divorce and I want so bad for my daughter not to have to go through that, that I will put up with about anything. That is how much I am against divorce.....BUT sometimes we don't have a choice, I know....