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Old 28th September 2012, 6:25 PM   #1
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Question possible divorce

My husband and I married about five months ago and it wasn't until after we married that he confessed he was unfaithful prior to us tying the knot. It wasn't serious and he says he only loves me and always has (we've known each other since I was 7 and he 11). He says he's known that I would be the one and only he would marry but now that I know this I don't feel as if I love him anymore. I have been cold and distant with him, naturally. Even though we were childhood sweethearts, now knowing about his infidelity changed my perspective of who he is. He says he can't lose me but more and more every day I love him less and it feels like there's nothing now. He has apologized, begged, and pleaded to rectify the mistakes. He's no longer my pillar of support because I don't need him anymore. I have been thinking of getting a divorce because I can't seem to get over what he did and I don't want to start building a marriage based on lies.
Why did he have to wait until after I marry him to pour out his guilt? It's cruel, but what was once a pure relationship between us is now tarnished.

Please let me know if I am right in pursuing a divorce. It's terrible because we've only been married 5 months. He claims he's waited many years to marry the girl he loves but my heart's not in it. I am 25 and he is now 29. I think we are both young and if he can easily seduce and sleep with someone else then he can take another wife. I don't feel any duty or obligations toward him and I would like an out in this relationship. Am I right to follow my mind? Please give me some insight. Any would be appreciated.
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Old 28th September 2012, 6:32 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by seychelles View Post
and I don't want to start building a marriage based on lies.

Yeah he tried too as well, but he waited till after because he didn't want to lose you before. He thought the marriage, the bond, would be strong enough. He obviously wanted to come clean and start anew. Too bad you can't get over a little infidelity while you both were technically, in the eyes of the state and religion, "single".

Goodluck finding anyone else you think you could know better.

one flaw or circumstance does not make a person who he/she is. jebsus. this is what kills me about relationships, and some women's thought processes. You think by meeting someone new/different they would be any more honest?! you're wrong.. only difference, the next guy won't have the balls to admit it and you will never know... but i suppose that's fine with you, because then you will think he IS faithful.
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Old 28th September 2012, 6:34 PM   #3
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Old 28th September 2012, 6:39 PM   #4
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I think you really need to think this out a little longer. I get that he lied even worse cheated. That would kill me to BUT your married now and getting divorced isnt going to take away hurt. My suggestion would be MC first before you go to divorce. I'm in a situation with my hubby where I lied about something too and I know I feel awful but I'm not a bad person and to have his forgiveness would be lovely. I wish you luck but in my opinion I'd try to work it out before divorcing! Good luck
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Old 28th September 2012, 7:29 PM   #5
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But Hawaii50, I don't feel the same anymore. It's not about me leaving him to find someone who is more faithful than him; I'm not considering future prospects at this point. I'm thinking about the present and I feel it's wrong for me to stay with him. Conversely it's wrong for him to be with me. Yes there are many women who would let this pass and a marriage can work but I don't think I am that girl. Too much trust was built, and love, companionship, since we were children. It comes crumbling down so hard now, and it was a shocker. I don't think I am selfish to divorce. It's what I want for myself for reasons listed above, but I may be doing him a favor too, to let him free to do whatever he wants.... sleep with other women, marry someone else to tolerate him, whatever it is.

But I've tried going around this and I don't think I'll ever let it go so I am leaning towards letting him go.
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Old 28th September 2012, 7:30 PM   #6
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25 is pretty young, but that doesn't mean that your feelings should be discounted. Try to realize that almost everyone here is answering from their perspective and some are more able to separate themselves from their own situation when they give you advice.

You are hurt and betrayal seems to be the biggest part of how you feel right now. Don't do anything impulsive, though. Spend some time weighing all of this out before you make a major decision like this. Although it may seem that you do not love him anymore, it could be that you are so hurt, you just can't see loving him anymore. Maybe you need to seek counseling together and spend some time finding out what your true feelings are. No one here can tell you what is right for you. On one hand, you are young and have your life ahead of you and chances for other loves. There is NO way to tell if the next man will be dishonest - no way at all. There are some decent men in this world. If you cannot live with it after consideration, then you have your answer. Or, you may find that you can live with his betrayal and trust him again.

Don't base your life on the answers here, though. Consider the advice but make your decision an informed and thoughtful one that is not made impulsively.

Good luck and take things easy. You can always get a divorce and once it is done, that would be hard to come back from and reconcile if you changed your mind. You do not have to make a decision today.

**HUGS**
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Old 28th September 2012, 7:38 PM   #7
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I'd agree to not be impulsive. Maybe think about it for like 2 months or so.

Buuuut, he tricked you into marrying him, not knowing what he's really capable of.

DON'T GET PREGNANT!

That's the thing that makes it so much worse. I wish I had had better warning signs early on that my wife was capable of such betrayal, but I didn't find out until we had been married 13 years with a 9 year old daughter. You are young, knowing what I know now I'd probably bail. But you make your own decision, one you think you can live with for the rest of your life, one based on truth.

Reading your second post (editing now) yeah, it sounds like you really should consider looking at divorce. It's not so bad since it's only been 6 months. I wouldn't feel so bad about breaking vows, you were deceived pretty badly. Anulment comes to mind.
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Old 28th September 2012, 7:43 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by seychelles View Post
But Hawaii50, I don't feel the same anymore. It's not about me leaving him to find someone who is more faithful than him; I'm not considering future prospects at this point. I'm thinking about the present and I feel it's wrong for me to stay with him. Conversely it's wrong for him to be with me. Yes there are many women who would let this pass and a marriage can work but I don't think I am that girl. Too much trust was built, and love, companionship, since we were children. It comes crumbling down so hard now, and it was a shocker. I don't think I am selfish to divorce. It's what I want for myself for reasons listed above, but I may be doing him a favor too, to let him free to do whatever he wants.... sleep with other women, marry someone else to tolerate him, whatever it is.

But I've tried going around this and I don't think I'll ever let it go so I am leaning towards letting him go.
I've said my piece objectively, and would gladly say the same to a Man in the same position. It just seems to me what you've described, few people obtain. A childhood relationship.

I'm sorry for the way you feel, and it's completely understandable to just want to trash it and trust is the easiest thing to lose.

I just think this guy deserves a chance. you didn't find out by someone else, he had the balls to tell you, and clear it himself. That in and of itself sets this aside from 99% of the situations on this site. He wants you, and now because of a stupid decision in the past and now a very recent one (telling you), he's lost your heart.

It's sad, and sort of frustrating for me to hear. The guy did what most would not and now is ending up probably worse off, cause you actually seem like a decent enough lady.

I dunno.. this is my first time too.
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Old 28th September 2012, 7:47 PM   #9
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Thank you for advising me to not get pregnant Ninja'sHusband ! It's coincidental that you mentioned it. I don't want to have babies at all and well, he may in the future. Part of his pleading and compromising was that he told me he promises to never pressure me for children in the future if I stay in our marriage and work it out. He said he will forgo having kids if I don't leave, because he knows I don't want kids.... (not now, not ever, but if I hadn't known about his infidelity I would be willing to have 1 child in the far away future because I know he would want that.)
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Old 28th September 2012, 7:53 PM   #10
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The fact he told you is huge. I don't know him so if he would do it again is beyond me. Just make no Knee jerk actions. Take time and reflect on everything.
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Old 28th September 2012, 8:18 PM   #11
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Yes I am glad he told me but he is cruel for deciding to tell me after I've already married him. Most times I feel sad, but when I think about his timing I get very upset and I feel as if I hate him for scheming me into a lie. And now it's a bigger mess to consider getting out of. The whole situation drains me emotionally and physically.
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Old 28th September 2012, 8:42 PM   #12
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Do you guys think I should move out and be by myself while I think this through? I can look for an apartment and find peace there where I won't have to see him at all until I make a decision. Has that ever worked?
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Old 28th September 2012, 8:46 PM   #13
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I'd say go away for a bit, but moving out in/of itself is (or should be) the final word. when you leave you're gone. For now, you have any friends that would let you crash for a week? or even better, go to a nice hotel with a spa he'll gladly pay. lol.
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Old 28th September 2012, 8:55 PM   #14
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But isn't that what people who are married but break up and don't want to file for divorce do? "Separation" or "estranged?"
That is sweet of you to suggest pampering myself... but I don't feel up to it at the moment. Truly, I don't want to have anything to do with him even if it's using his money. I don't know how long a divorce process is but maybe I can live in an apartment while it happens. But firstly to get an apartment, think it over myself, make sure I want a divorce, get a divorce, wait until it's finalized... and I will have a place to stay while this goes on. Is that reasonable?
(I've never done this before! I don't even know how a divorce works. What if he refuses to get a divorce?! I am just considering the next step.)
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Old 28th September 2012, 9:08 PM   #15
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Well it's whatever is good for you...

i don't think dwelling in any fashion will work. Everyone here has just opined about taking your time and thinking things through, before making an overly emotional decision. You seem pretty "over-it" already, my recommendation to "Treat yourself" was more way to relax and get your mind off things, if just for a few. if you can't step back and take a look at the big picture, this blemish will ruin whatever you have left... even if you're so determined that there isn't anything. I'm not sure either, but I think getting away is the first step. So leave... go to a friends, and on your way buy a paper... or better yet, we're online, start searching. A friend is what you need, though.

If you've only been married a short time, under a year, can probably get it annulled pretty easily.
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