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Wife left- Third Time 18 Years I'm OK


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OK So I have been reading here for three days now and feel like I must have found a group of like minded people.Now the story.

 

As cold as I may sound,it does hurt badly and I am truly a compassionate man.I simply believe my daughter deserves the strongest father she can possibly have.

 

Wife and I were together for 18 yrs and married for 17- Aug 8th.

She is 41 I am 49.

One 14 yr old daughter between us.She is with my wife.

One daughter I adopted at four yrs old-wife's biological daughter.Raised her as my own and treated her better than my own two now grown kids from a previous marriage.She is now 21 and married.I met this little girl when she was four and she was calling my soon to be wife at the time "Sissy".I thought it was my wife's little sister.The wife then explained that she was wild in her youth and in her earlier days had given up her daughter to her mother because she wasn't capable of handling her daughter.

 

I knew I wanted to be married to my future wife and explained that her little girl would be angry later in life when she found out "moma" was actually g-ma and sissy was moma.I went to the g-ma and explained that I would make sure the little girl would be cared for and we wanted to get married and I would adopt her.G-ma went ballistic,turns out she is Bipolar and evil.

 

This woman treated my wife like a zero all of her life.My wife has memories of her mother having strange men in the same bed with her as a seven yr old.I have spent thousands on therapy and counseling.My wife doesn't know who her own father really is.This g-ma fought me in court for a year and it cost me 20k to win custody of the little girl but I did.

 

We married and I adopted her daughter and my wife has up until three months ago never held a job or had to work.I have worked hard to give my wife time with our children.Life was great with the exception of my wife's bipolar mother.

 

All holidays end up with this monster throwing things at people and gifts in the yard etc.Didn't know it was genetic.She recently told me that she only takes her meds because of me,that they make put with too much of my crap.She stops and she becomes a devil in the house.Then starts taking prescription weight loss drugs.

 

Of course all that is ever the problem is my fault,I do mean all.

 

My wife has left twice before and always I have been all over the place trying to find out why.Went to all of my friends and did all the wrong things.Bargained and kept the bargains.Pathetic at best.

 

Well five weeks ago she left while I was gone for the day.I came home and nothing,Pampered Chef cookware was gone,that's a bad sign.

 

I make one call,no answer,leave vm asking where she is and what's happened.No reply for a week.I do not call again or have any contact.I didn't know at the time but I was following the NC out of instinct.

 

After a week I start getting texts,are you OK?Good morning.Good night.I answer none of them.After two weeks I get a call from her asking why I don't answer her texts.I simply say I don't text much and I am busy.She refuses to tell me where she is.I only ask once and never again.I stay strong.It hurts like crazy,but I keep that to myself.

 

OK now she starts calling and saying she is coming here to get the rest of her items and can I be available to assist?I say yes but I want to see my 14 yr old daughter when she comes.She tells me to expect her on Saturday and then Sat never happens,next week same thing,no show.I still do not call,text or Facebook her at all.

 

Last week she does it again and actually shows up here,I assist her and even loan her a utility trailer to help get her stuff.Our daughter (21 yr old) is with her as well as my 14 yr old.The wife informs me that the 14 yr old is going to visit her little friend from here for the day as the wife and 21 yr old daughter help in getting the stuff loaded.This upsets me that I am being denied a visit with my daughter.I remain quiet but the 21 yr old tells me it is wrong for moma to do that to you and that she had already explained her displeasure to her mother concerning this.I keep helping all the while being positive and upbeat about it all.

 

Once the 21 yr old goes to get the 14 yr old my wife starts to be affectionate and asks me why I seem not to care.I let her know that leaving me 3 times is enough and that certain things have changed me from the last two times.

 

At this point the future x says why didn't you fight for us this time, like last time?I explain that being told she doesn't love me,doesn't respect me and all affection is gone was a bit too much for me and I have moved on.She starts crying and saying she does love me and was just angry when she said that.I ignore the tears and simply remember the coldness she has been showing me since starting her 1st real job.By the way I am not stupid,new job,lack of affection,secrecy and no love all at once,kinda feels like Jody in the mix here, is my thought (keep it to myself).Would never have said that before, but looks suspicious to me at that point.

 

Now comes the tears and hugs.The old "but I do love you and I do care" she says.She becomes affectionate and I ask why after months of degrading me and being hurtful,distant and lacking in love does she suddenly love me?She answers that she misses me.Then comes the booty trick....Been a while and we are still married, so I take it,mistake maybe but I am still a man and it's been months.

 

Now comes the "let's walk around the flower beds and gardens"...we live on a farm of 10 acres and there are lots of flowers etc.I accept and she asked if we could hold hands and I oblige her as we walk.She says "this feels so right"I say yep.Small talk and nice time.I have no expectations at all at this point.Just observing her behavior and being very cautious.

 

Now our daughters both return and the "I love you" thing stops.I know right then it was a front.She then for the first time in five weeks tells me where she is living.

 

She has purchased a camper- 28 ft fifth wheel and put it in our 21 yr old daughter's back yard, five hours away.I am not pleased but say congratulations and that I am proud of her abilities and her future.

 

Now she tells me she is cleaning houses and going to school soon to be a Certified Nursing Assistant.Six week course.I again congratulate her and express my happiness as to her new life.This all happened on Sat Sept 15th 2012.

 

Monday I get a phone call from wife and she is concerned again as to how I am so happy and show no signs of grief.She asks me if I have already found someone else.I probably shouldn't have done this one but I explain my feelings for her,let her know that I have done my very best,tell her she was the only woman in 18 years,the only woman I ever had eyes for,the most beautiful woman in the world to me,that I have no immediate plans to see anyone at all and that she hurt me badly by leaving.I let it all out there.

 

She now asks me how it was that I didn't come after her like last time,how I can be so happy,how I could just move on so fast.My answer was that I have researched and studied the facts about wives who abruptly leave without explanation,cut off all affection,don't love their husbands anymore,become cold,distracted and this while starting a new job.

 

I explain that she became this way, after meeting new guys on her first job 3 months ago.I go on to say I have found a craigslist ad which has her and the guy she works with that she calls "a little brother" advertising for side jobs cleaning houses and doing maintenance work,it has her pic and her number as well as his.She then tells me, she didn't know about that ad.I explain that it was placed a day after she friended him on Facebook,which was the same day she went to the funeral 300 miles away of her stepdad.(I couldn't go due to friction between her bipolar mother) who my wife doesn't speak to either,it is that bad.She says he has a wife and a 12 yr old and his wife is seven months pregnant,I explain that only means he isn't getting any at home.

 

She denies any emotional and or physical relationship with "little brother".I say well "little brother is a team leader in the US Army Reserves".She says now she understands why I have given up on contact and am trying to detach.

 

I then let her know that stats show a wayward wife who behaves this way is CHEATING and that I really don't care what she says.She fights hard for an hour,crying and saying she would never cheat and that I should believe her.I let her know that my heart would,but my mind is in charge now.She asks if we can speak again tomorrow.I say yes but have your thoughts ready and call me as I will not call you.I let her know that I shouldn't have let my feelings out but that now, she knows where I stand.She is again telling me how she is "in love" with me.

 

Today she does call.I am different today though.She just wants to small talk and be sweet,no talk of future plans to return or make a go of it.Almost acts like she has ran out to Walmart or something.

 

Now here we go.I explain that I will be sending her the separation agreement shortly and that I need her address.I let her know that I am trying to help her to enjoy the life she really wants and that other than calls about my daughter, I won't be available.I go on to say that she should enjoy dating,finding new friendships and moving forward with her life.She starts crying again,says she doesn't want anyone else and asks if I have no hope,she lets me know how she has hope.I let her know that if it is meant to be....it will be apparent in a few years, if we haven't found other people who we enjoy better.

 

She gets emotional and has to get off the phone.She says I Love You,I say goodbye.

 

Now for my reasoning and questions

 

1.If you leave me once ,twice and three times,it is reasonable to believe a fourth will come soon or I will always be walking on eggshells as before waiting for it.

 

2.I refuse to be a safety zone for her as she looks around at the other grass.

 

3.I have been emotionally changed by this constantly adjusting my manhood to satisfy a woman who doesn't want anyting now but for me to ask and beg her back again.

 

4.If this is mental or bipolar and she refuses her meds..I can't help her anyway.

 

5.If it is another man...I will never accept that in my life,just happens to be the dealbreaker for me.I won't bend on that one.

 

6.The time away and with no contact has made me see that I am happier not worrying if I am coming home to an empty home again.

 

7.I was stronger before she started her control issues and will be now.

 

That being said.I need a plan and quick.

 

Questions

 

1.Did I screw up by deciding on the separation agreement?If so, I still won't back up,that would be weak.

 

2.What is my next step?

 

REVITUP

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Questions

 

1.Did I screw up by deciding on the separation agreement?If so, I still won't back up,that would be weak.

 

2.What is my next step?

 

REVITUP

 

1. No...you didn't screw anything up. You're doing the right thing, taking the right steps, and keeping the right mindset.

 

2. Stick to your guns. You're already doing the right things...just keep up in the same direction you've been going.

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IMHO? You not only did good, you not only did the right thing, you not only did the only thing you could do? But your is textbook as to how to deal with a wayward spouse! Almost I would say classic!

 

I know and you know its eating you up inside. But in so far as the wife knows and thinks you've not going? Your gone.

 

Speaking strictly for me, myself and I, (That is to say I'm not advising you to do the same?) I wouldn't take her back ~ not after the first time ~ certainly not after the second, third, and fourth time! :eek:

 

There would have to be some serious fundamental changes in heart and attitude ~ and I just don't see it. Were it me? I'd be telling her "Your gone, you've made the decision to leave? Now stay your happy azz gone!" After the ceremonious "pity party" I would get my head and azz wired back together, and get busy getting busy with my own life. I follow through with the legal seperation and go out and have myself a good old time. As in everyday for the rest of my life.

 

One hard rule I do have about sepearation and divorce? Always make sure you "trade up" with the next one. And given what you've described here? It doesn't sound as though that would be hard to do at all!

 

I really don't get these women (and men) who are prefectly willing to walk away from a good man or woman, give up a good and stable life ~ just because they're not feeling it.

 

One of Willie Nelson's wife (Wife No. #3 or # 4) did that, walked out on him for no good and apparent reason, and they went on the Oprah show crying about how stupid she was for doing it, and that old Willie wasn't having anything to do with reconciling. :laugh:

 

A woman walks out on me? You can be sure of one that for sure and certain! It will be the first and last time she does it. Its "done, did and over with" just as soon as I hear the slamming of the door. And there won't be any coming back. And per my experience? I mean that.

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Gunny,you made my day.Some have told me that I am being hasty.That she is going through a midlife crisis or bipolar is confusing her somehow.

 

They are friends who have only seen us as holding hands,looking as though we are newlyweds after 17 years.When it was good it was really good.

 

It may hit me harder later,but now it's just not a big deal.You see when you have been treated like this for a while and then they leave,it's not a hard thing to miss abuse.

 

I am a motivational sales trainer/Gen Mgr of companies.I somehow changed and became a pooshwaw of some sort the first time she pulled this.That's the only thing really eating at me now.How could I be so weak to not see my own hurt then?

 

I really believe that , as always,I thought there is nothing that I can't handle and took on the challenge of rebuilding a fragile woman.That was a mistake I will never make again.

 

This whole thing somehow changed my personality and now I see it returning.It is worth more than all the women in the world.

 

Thank you for the confirmation.

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1. No...you didn't screw anything up. You're doing the right thing, taking the right steps, and keeping the right mindset.

 

2. Stick to your guns. You're already doing the right things...just keep up in the same direction you've been going.

 

I agree with this except the last part. Three strikes and you are out but after reading all the stuff you did with her in your OP I think you are still playing games with her. Dont do that any more. The kids are grown for the most part so just leaver her be and dont talk to her any more.

 

NC means NC. She doesnt need to know why you did this or that or what you feel. She lost that right. It's all irellavent now to her anyway. You are just her safety net and she knows she is losing you and panicking.

 

I had to learn that lesson the hard way. Get to divorce as soon as possible and be done with it. Your W sounds toxic and like my XW has issues that she refuses to address. She is not your problem any more. Take care of yourself now and stay NC.

 

And for the record, I think you are right about there being an OM. The almost always is and the coworker thing is not just a coincidence. That was a dealbreaker with me as well and although I had no evidence until after the divorce I searched high and low for it to give me the motivation to get things done and over with.

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Agreed g450.Thank you.

 

Today, no calls finally.

 

Yesterday she pulled a good one.

 

I get a call from my 14 yr old daughter's cell phone,it's the runaway wife though.Asks me to please do her a favor and send the remote control for a dvd player to her and I agree.

 

Caught me off guard and I simply listened as she told me how she was going to an auction and just hanging out there.I cut he conversation short,polite but short.

 

She says I love you,again, I simply say, goodbye.

 

The thing is, she acts like she is just down at Walmart and nothing has happened.

 

I believe these little requests are geared toward control.I will not continue to do these "little favors", except, in the case of my daughter's needs.

 

I am a strong man and this post is mainly to document the things I experience.I will not allow anyone to rent space in my head....especially for free.

 

If I am wrong, please let me know.I can always learn and you can't hurt my feelings.

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Your W is in la la land the same way my XW was.

 

It was surreal in that at times my XW did exactly the same thing. She would act as if nothing had ever happened and treated me like a roommate. I had a hard time wrapping my head around that but one ugly fact remained. She was done with me regardless and she was at least talking to an OM all that time and more. If I tried to bend her way she would cut my head off and remind me of the bitter truth. Hell she even got her rocks off doing that I think. Going NC took that thrill away from her and gave me back some power.

 

Dont be fooled by her quirky mood swings and bazzar behavior. She is not running on a full tank of gas and she will constantly try to take your tempreture because you were her support nest. She knows she is losing this and that is why she wants to play this game. Dont play that game with her as she holds all the cards. Give her what she wants (you out of her life). Let her know what life is really going to be like for her.

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g450 and GUNNY,you fella's have a grip on exactly what this is about.

 

Yesterday and this morning she has rang my phone off the hook.I do not answer and don't want to hear the vm's.(I did check them as it might be about our daughter).

 

She then starts calling my brother and sister-in-law to "see if I am OK"?

Then texts me to see if my brother and his wife are OK?My brother let's her know I am doing really good and that I am OK.She begins to tell him she believes I am not answering because I wrongly think she was involved with OM.He let's her know he doesn't want to know about or talk about those issues at all.

 

La La land for sure.I do not view this with any of my logical reasoning abilities whatsoever,that is what keeps me sane.

 

Some may think I am being cold,unloving and insensitive.That I should be hurting really badly right now, that I should feel heartache and pain.

 

If I did feel that way...I would never tell.;)

 

Thanks

REVITUP

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OK,NC is doing what it's supposed to do.My mind is focusing on my goals and plans.Staying busy with projects that have real importance to myself and others.Sleep like a log etc.

 

This am I get contact.I receive an email from wife,it seems like a MLM link for joining some sort of work at home business.No big deal.

 

I look at the email chain however,and there is the suspected OM's email address, right along with mine.I only know because the email address is his name.

 

Are people really this ignorant? Is she is simply trying to get a rise from me?

It really doesn't matter.What matters is my reaction,actually my ability to choose the correct response to any situation.

 

I thought of sending it back to her and suddenly, I saw Gunny's posts in my mind and woke the hell up!That would be exactly what she wants me to do...engage her in conversation.

 

What I see now,is that she might have done for me,what I didn't have the heart to do for myself.

 

Inside I hurt for those I read about who haven't caught on yet or are just shell shocked by what is happening in their relationships.

 

I see the 180's and the NC as tools to improve MY happiness.At least for myself ,this isn't about getting her back,it's about being who I was before the relationship and who I will be after this is over.

 

Stay thirsty my friends,stay thirsty.

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I see the 180's and the NC as tools to improve MY happiness.At

least for myself ,this isn't about getting her back,it's about being who I was before the relationship and who I will be after this is over.

 

BINGO! That's IT!

 

I discovered my own personal version of the 180's back before it ever got put down on paper and ink. When I was going through the walk-a-way spouse, cheating wife BS back in the early nineties I coined the phrase to the XHEX "At the very least your having an emotoinal affair on me. This was back before the internet, Loveshack etc.

 

I won't go into details here but I've got a good heafty dose of what is known as "survior's guilt" and PTSD from my days in the Marine Corps. There are just times when I just have to get off by my lonesome ~ me, myself and I.

 

When I do that, its like I fall off the face of the Earth. I run silent and deep. Its just something that I have to do from time to time ~ its gotten less and less frequent since Mrs Gunny came along. But she understands my need for it.

 

She understands that there are things that have happened to me, with me, that I've expercinced, witnessed, cannot explain to her, share with her, etc.

 

But prior to her? It would drive my GF's absolutel NUTS!

 

"What's he doing? Who is he thinking about? What is he thinking about? Who is he with? What is he doing with them?

 

They couldn't understand that it was just me, getting away ~ just me, God, and old dog, a fire in a 55 gallon drum spitting whisky into it! Dealing with memories and the ghosts of my memories past?

 

For me it was more about just honoring with those that served ~ "All gave some! SOME gave their ALL!

 

Just my reconcilaton with the past and the present?

 

I don't expect anyone to undersand any of this.

Edited by Gunny376
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Gunny,My son (different marriage) is a three tours in Afghanistan vet.He saw a lot at 20 yrs old until 8 yrs and out.Made him a better man.It takes something though.As you know.

 

Anyways, we have a house at the beach (my brother's) in Topsail Island,NC-Camp Lejune ring a bell?

 

Like you,I enjoy the time alone and to myself.Beach early in the am is perfect,nobody up in my household that early anyway!

 

I do enjoy the time with someone to share love and thoughts with as well.I am no hermit by any means.I ponder deeper things about life and enjoy it.Hard to find anyone who would understand and I really don't try to explain anymore.I also never had that part with the xhex!

 

Just know you make a difference now and you and the others like you are the only reason we can all be here in the first place.

 

Semper Fi and thank you.

 

Oh yeah,I am just fine.She screwed the pooch on this one!:)

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:love:Although Alabama born and raised! I freaking LOVE the Carolinas! Simply love it. I did the better part of my time in the Marines the Carolinas.

 

Top Sail beach? Shhhhhhhhh! Don't tell anyone about it! The tourist and damned Yankees haven't found out about that one yet! (Damned Yankees defined as someone from up North who moves downs South, falls in love with the place and doesn't go back up North! :laugh:)

 

Myrtle Beach! :love:

Shag Dancing :love:

Carolina Beach Music :love:

Savanah ~ River Walk :love:

Carolina People :love:

Eastern North Carolina BBQ :love:

Augusta GA :love:

Riding the Turn Wheeler on the Savanah River with the spray in your face :love:

Beach Parties at night! :love:

Carolina Women! :love: :love: :love: :love: :love: :love:

Charelston SC :love:

 

Carolina beach "Boils" :love:

 

Low Country cooking! :love:

 

Bruinswhick Stew! (The Real Stuff not the stuff you get in a can!) :love:

 

Beaufort SC :love:

 

Port Royal SC :love:

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That I should be hurting really badly right now, that I should feel heartache and pain.

 

If I did feel that way...I would never tell.;)

 

Thanks

REVITUP

 

We know how you feel. Its like your guts are turned inside out. You really dont have to hold it in. Nothing wrong with showing your pain and it's healthier if you get it out. Just dont do it towards her. That was mistake #1 that I made early on and even two years later I still regret doing that.

 

Kudos on not responding to the email. And yes she is trying to get a rise out of you. I cant stress this enough again. Dont play that game with her. It will just prolong the inevitable and keep you from getting to the place you really need to be. That is "indiference". But I know its hard. It took over two years for me to get there myself.

 

Honestly, the 180 thing was IIRC designed as a tool to peek the walkaway spouses interest. Whatever you do, do it for you. Some here use the 180 simply to entice the WW. Not a good thing to do, especially if you know for certain it really over and done. For example, I always wanted a motorbike. I finally got one. I did not do it to catch my exes attention, I did it for me. That is one of the benefits of finally being single again. You can do what you want...really want. You no longer have to sacrifice your own needs and wants for anyone else (except family of course).

 

Just make sure if you do a 180 you are doing it for you and because you want to, not for her. Too many make that mistake. By nature we really dont change that much at our core so a 180 makes people think your finally lost it or you are simply faking it. But if you do the NC correctly, she will never even see your 180s anyway so 180 away. :laugh:

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You've been to Top Sail beach ~ you've been through Jacksonville. You've gone down Lejeune Blvd.

 

You seen it! The memorial along the way.

 

Took the better part of year to "Harden My Heart" just to get to work everyday without pulling over to the side of the road crying my damned eyes out.

 

I look at a damned concrete block and I have to turn and walk a way.

 

I was one of those.

 

NEVER AGAIN WILL I SAY

 

"I'll be right back!" (I'll get back as soon and as quickly as I can!)

 

"I'm just going to ______________________

 

My Boys! RIP and in the arms of our Lord!

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We know how you feel. Its like your guts are turned inside out. You really dont have to hold it in. Nothing wrong with showing your pain and it's healthier if you get it out. Just dont do it towards her. That was mistake #1 that I made early on and even two years later I still regret doing that.

 

Kudos on not responding to the email. And yes she is trying to get a rise out of you. I cant stress this enough again. Dont play that game with her. It will just prolong the inevitable and keep you from getting to the place you really need to be. That is "indiference". But I know its hard. It took over two years for me to get there myself.

 

Honestly, the 180 thing was IIRC designed as a tool to peek the walkaway spouses interest. Whatever you do, do it for you. Some here use the 180 simply to entice the WW. Not a good thing to do, especially if you know for certain it really over and done. For example, I always wanted a motorbike. I finally got one. I did not do it to catch my exes attention, I did it for me. That is one of the benefits of finally being single again. You can do what you want...really want. You no longer have to sacrifice your own needs and wants for anyone else (except family of course).

 

Just make sure if you do a 180 you are doing it for you and because you want to, not for her. Too many make that mistake. By nature we really dont change that much at our core so a 180 makes people think your finally lost it or you are simply faking it. But if you do the NC correctly, she will never even see your 180s anyway so 180 away. :laugh:

 

AMEN! Stand up and testify and tell the truth!

 

I hear you brother!

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You men have it DOWN to a tee.

 

Yesterday I get another text..."just received remote control,Thank you" she says.I don't respond.

 

Next one is "I guess you didn't mean it when you said you would ALWAYS answer my call!"

I didn't respond to that either.

 

Next is a phone call, late last night,I don't answer and let it go to voicemail.I didn't listen until this am, thinking it might screw up my sleep.

VM is "so this is how you are always there to answer the phone for me?If you aren't going to answer me,just call me and tell me so".

 

That ain't happening either!Why would I call her to tell her again, that I am not going to call her or answer her?I made it plain as to my feelings for her.I gave her ample opportunity to put HER cards on the table.She chose instead, to talk about auctions and chit chat about her day?

 

And for some who might believe I am immune to pain in this...It hurts like hell.It eats away at the very core of who you are, to think that someone you have cherished and supported in all endeavors has abandoned you.It hurts to feel that somehow "I" must be flawed and unlovable somehow.

 

The thing is that when this all started six or seven weeks ago I was hurt and confused.Now it seems less hurt and hardly any confusion at all.It is what it is.

 

I love motivation, as it seems Gunny does as well.Jim Rohn says it like this-

 

What happens,happens to us all.

Cheaters cheat,because they are cheaters.

Liars lie ,because they are liars.

Wayward wives (I would add)are wayward,because they are wayward wives!

 

I simply file it under the "Mysteries Of Life"

 

This helps me deal with the emotions by simply not dwelling on that which I have no control.

 

Keep up the good work,and if I seem to go off the rails,let me know it.Let me know it in a hard and straightforward way.I will understand that better than political correctness.

 

Thanks to you all.

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OK,Sunday-Yesterday.

XHEX calls-I do not answer.

Next call is later, from our 14 yr old Daughter,I think it could be a trap.I was wrong, it is my daughter and it goes like this...

 

We talk about football games and her little friends and what she has been up to the last couple of days.She likes her new little girlfriend and such.My daughter then tells me she is going to spend the night with her little girlfriend last night,she says she stays there ,more than at home.No shocker here.I still don't like the sleepover on a school night though.

 

Then my daughter says "Momma says she has been trying to text,email and call you, but she doesn't get you.I reply that I will always answer her (my daughter's calls) and move to quickly get off the phone.I see the plan and I am a little peeved that my xhex is using our daughter to get to me.

 

Then I go back to pin stripping a friends boat and get another call.My daughter again.This time I don't have my guard up and guess who is on the phone?

 

Xhex says "are you not answering my emails,texts and calls on purpose?"

I screw the pooch here and I stay on the line.

I say "I think I had let you know the other week that I am giving you your space and I would like mine,no chit chat but I am here in case it is about our daughter."(sorry Gunny,I know I should have dropped the phone)

 

Evidently we were on a three way call,all of a sudden the Devil came on the line!

 

In the blink of an eye she flew off like a cheap hubcap!

"you should answer my messages"

I say "how about the accidental email with your OM's info in it?"" I didn't send one" she says.

I just become quiet and stay polite.This evidently is not a good thing.

The Devil rails harder now,"you wanna play this game buddy?I will show you,I will take take this thing civil!""Now you are gonna pay"

 

Well you see folks,during the last wayward event for her I learned some things.She tried to get me to sign some statements as to my family's estate.Not a big estate mind you,but everything I have is paid for.1995 Suburban with 400k miles on it but it's paid for,her Ford Focus Paid for etc,there are 10 acres here and the small farm house which I have redone.

 

All of the real estate is still in the estate name and is exempt from her threats.

 

Anyway,then comes the texts a flyin',"I wanted to hold onto hope that we could get through this on our own,just you and I" I dont reply.

 

Yeah,I think she did want "to hold onto hope"right up until she had someone else to hope about!

 

Anyhow,I will have papers finished this week for her,just as I had told her last week. In NC you have to be separated legally for one year, before divorce.

 

I think the best thing about yesterday is that I was reminded of the person she has become.It's not the one I met 18 yrs ago.That one is gone and I truly mean it when I say I miss that old one.

 

I also truly mean it when I say, good riddance to this one.I am calm about this,not angry at all and not bitter.I just want it over.

 

Gunny, did I become a "****bird" when I answered and didn't hang up:rolleyes:?

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Xhex calls today....I don't answer.

VM She says "Just calling to see if you are ready to talk now,I Love You"

 

???? That's as many? I Love You's as I have gotten in three months!

 

I think she is just lost/yesterday the Devil/today an angel?

 

Not my problem any more is how I am feeling.

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I also truly mean it when I say, good riddance to this one.I am calm about this,not angry at all and not bitter.I just want it over.

 

The time to file for divorce ~ sepearation is when you don't feel anything ~ you're indiffirent. A song by Gary Stewart sums it up will I think: Titled "Quits"

 

 

What do we call it now

It isn't marriage anymore

Call it new and different

It's not the way it was before

 

Out of all the words to choose from

There's only one that fits

Call it what you want to

I just call it quits

 

We've come down to the place

Where love barely fits

Call it what you want to

I call it quits

 

Turn and walk away

Across the desert of our hearts

Loves kinda said that we've run out of time

And though we once had something

No words could tear apart

Now you be your's and I'll be mine

 

We've come down to the place

Where love barely fits

Call it what you want to

I call it quits

 

Call our friends

And tell them,

Oh tell them that we just don't care

Tell them dreams of flowers

But our garden's bare

 

Call it separation, independence

Divorce, if that word fits

Call it what you want to

I just call it quits

 

We've come down to the place

Where love barely fits

Call it what you want to

I call it quits

 

Gunny, did I become a "****bird" when I answered and didn't hang up:rolleyes:?

 

I don't think so.

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Gunny,Great song.

I agree,it seems numb and far away right now,MY feelings have changed about HER.

 

Anyway,today's VM -She says "Isn't it ironic that you originally said you wanted this to be friendly and not harsh....and now you are just sticking your head in the sand and avoiding the issues?Call and talk,please."

 

Maybe she thinks I am avoiding the issues,again she is in lala land.Attorney is finishing up the Legal Separation documents this week.I mean what I say and say what I mean again.This seems to be a shocker to her now,possibly due to the fact that I have ignored her bad behavior toward me for months "My head was stuck in the sand"then.

 

My theory is simply that she is in panic mode,her strategy isn't playing out like it did before.

 

Most likely she saw that I am now unavailable as a safety net,companion and enabler.

 

Next "theory only" She puts pressure on the suspected OM "who is married" and he drops the ball and backs away.Case of the nerves maybe.

 

Now there are no longer TWO DOGS fighting for the same bone anymore,as a matter of fact,there are no dogs.Dose of reality sets in now.

 

Does it matter what I theorize? NOPE. It could be that the moon is misaligned and Pluto is angry.I simply don't care one way or other.It just needed to be said for my own satisfation.

 

Thanks Gunny and friends,you make a difference.

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At some point in time you 've just got to go for yourself ~ for your own sanity.

 

At best I would make it clear that there's a small (very small) window of opportunity for reconcilation (Just for the sake of DD14), but given that this is the third time of this? I would have serious doubts about even that.

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My theory is simply that she is in panic mode,her strategy isn't playing out like it did before.

 

Most likely she saw that I am now unavailable as a safety net,companion and enabler.

 

.

 

Im guess exactly that as well. Around here the usual case is that the OM is just some low life who likes screwing married women.

 

I do think her using your kid to get to you is a low blow. If I were in your shoes three years ago I would have had to hold back calling her and asking "WTF do you want from me?!?". So in that respect you are doing much better than I did when I had to go through this. I had it lucky, mine didnt cause any drama. It all came from me LOL. She just wanted to be rid of me.

 

Keep being a rock for your child and continue being a brick wall to your STBX.

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Thank you fellas,This is getting a little easier every day.

 

It seems that stepping back for a little while, allows my mind to refocus on what is truly important to me and my daughter.Thoughts now are about my daughter's safety and emotional well being.She is 14 and that's a critical time in any young person's life.

 

I might have to fight for custody in this thing at some point in the near future.Her mother used her last time and it worked like a champ.My focus to "always be a family ,no matter what" drove me to look the other way about some things that now, are as plain as day.I didn't "stand my ground" these previous two years, out of fear of losing my family.That's really what has changed.I take the advice given and follow it.

 

Reading the posts of many on this site has caused me to hurt for the hurting people on here.Seeing the denial in their thinking is painful.Seeing them accept blame,where no blame was justified on their part.Then fast-forwarding in the posts,the OM /OW/EA/PA etc, jumps up, and everyone, except the hurting Husband or Wife, saw it coming months before.

 

I went from the "WHY and How and What did, I do wrong" stage, to acceptance.

 

This is because the last time this happened, prepared me for this one... The John Lee Hooker "If you leave me once,I know you'll leave me twice" and the "You better think before you go" songs apply.It just seems like common sense at this point.

 

It is simply a part of my life,an opportunity to learn something new and possibly, a new skill which I hopefully, will use to help someone else, who is hurting and confused as I was, when I was fortunate enough, to meet Gunny and G450 and all the rest of you.

 

These things will continue to happen in our culture unfortunately.One is probably starting somewhere, as I type this.

 

I will work hard to be added to the likes of Gunny and G450, as an asset and no longer a victim.

 

It is gonna get worse before this gets better.It is in MY control, as to how to deal with it though!

 

Thank you all for just being here.You make a difference.

 

REVITUP

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She needs someone to yell at - she's used to that being you - don't let that person be you.

 

Stop giving her money.

 

You rescued her - you need to find out why you played that role - and how to never play that role again.

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I might have to fight for custody in this thing at some point in the near future.Her mother used her last time and it worked like a champ.

 

I hope it doesnt come to that. Some women are incredibly selfish. I had a female friend who cheated on her husband and then divorce him. She still got primary custody, go figure. Even then he had to pay child support. It was messed up. And honestly, most of the time when she had her two boys she would dump them at grandmas or even with her XH so she could have sex with her craigslist pick ups.

 

Looking back I now wonder why I ever befriended her in the first place. I guess it was just to take my mind of my own situation and honestly I was lonely and a pretty weak individual. I can honestly say Im much stronger now. I dont need people like that in my life. You seem to have your act together early on so I know you will do fine. You have your child to occupy your time. That is a big plus.

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