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He asked me for a divorce


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Old 15th September 2012, 11:00 AM   #1
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He asked me for a divorce

Hello Everyone,

My husband (34) and I (24) have been married for 4 almost 5 years. we have a 3 year old son and we're a military family. He asked me for a divorce last night. He told me he's been really unhappy for a long time, he's felt like this before he went on an overseas unaccompanied tour (non combative) but thought he was just nervous about going overseas . He said he can't see being with me for the rest of his life. He blames me for missed opportunities with his career, says if we hadn't been married he'd be a lot happier doing what he wants to do. He told me he still loves me, just not the way a husband should love his wife. He cannot pinpoint WHY he fell out of love with me, and that makes everything in-congruent. However, he cried the whole time he was telling me this, if I was over a relationship, I wouldn't be shedding tears.

Counseling isn't an option because he says he knows he's done, and reassured me there isn't anyone else (and I don't have that intuitive feeling that there is someone else.) I'm going to seek counseling though for myself.

I think he's having a mid life crisis, or a professional mid life crisis. Retirement is looming, he's beyond stressed with the unit, the shift he's working, his college classes, his training he'll have to do while finishing the class. I think he's worried about being stuck here, and really cannot attempt to relocate anywhere because he's getting towards the end of his career now. I talked to a mutual friend who loves both of us dearly and knows us very well, last night, she's a mental health professional and she said the "professional mid life crisis" before I did, she also told me that stress does really strange things to people. And told me just to stay still, don't pack up and leave, don't quit my job, nothing.

I KNOW I have my flaws, I've recognized them and I've begun correcting them immediately. I'm NOT leaving, this is MY home and I've lived here longer than he has. I'm also not letting go of this marriage right away either. I'm going to take my time, keep working, start making some plans. I'm not leaving before he goes to training (November/December), I'm not changing my son's world upside down. I'm just going to lay low, work on myself and my happiness and let it ride. I'm not begging him to stay, to make things work, to try different things.
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Old 15th September 2012, 11:19 AM   #2
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He wasn't that young when you married, how long had been military at that point?

I'm not understanding your full implication about mid career crisis.
His opportunities for promotion would have been clearly laid out, time served, education, testing, acceleration due to combat. Can you share a little more with us?

I'm sure you are shocked and it's sounding near the end of your post, mad. Good for you.

Welcome to LS and vent to your heart's content.
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Old 15th September 2012, 11:41 AM   #3
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Since you speak of his 'retirement', he's been in far longer before marrying you than after. Usually it's 20 years and out. He's a military man. He knows the drill and went into your M with his eyes open.

My opinion is don't leave the marital home and make him file for divorce.

Since he's going to be home for a couple of months, considering all factors, it could be beneficial to have him tailed by a professional and verify his statements of there 'not being anyone else'. At this stage of his career, the potential for adverse action from his chain of command could strike substantial fear and remorse should the facts not match his assertions. If other, then continue the status quo, with an open offer of MC, until he files for divorce.

Good luck. Welcome to LS
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Old 15th September 2012, 12:22 PM   #4
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He has 15 almost 16 years in service. I'm a veteran myself and I'm still in the reserves.

I'm mad that he reeled me along for so long if he really has been so unhappy, I'm disappointed that he isn't interested in even attempting to salvage things. We haven't said much to each other and he slept in the guest bedroom last night.

I know a lot of this is a professional midlife crisis, he's too far into his career to cross train into a different field. And he doesn't have any plans of working his career field as a civilian.

I also have no intentions of filing for divorce, if he wants one he can do all the paper work and pay for it.

I'm glad others agree that I should stay in the marital home, I recently got a wonderful job, and I don't want to leave it. If he's being unfaithful, that will present it's self sooner than later, he isn't good at keeping secrets or being sneaky. Even if he was, ruining his career will not give me any satisfaction, he's worked very hard for it and deserves every stripe he has.

Thank you for the responses.

Last edited by EmptyinNV; 15th September 2012 at 12:26 PM..
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Old 16th September 2012, 9:50 AM   #5
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I think the OP's are on. I am a veteran myself. I did go in the service ,basically, in my field of work and continued after I got out. It is very hard on some people that are looking at getting out and have nothing to go too. I have several friends that are still in because of this fact. One very close friend has made the Sargent Majors list.

You are on with taking care of yourself. No matter what happens you will have to live with yourself. Sounds like you are doing all you can do. Keep it up.

As far as adultery. Hard to say. I know the Army, at one time, would basically fry a person if they did that. Can't say about that now. The Army has changed a lot.

Does his chain of command know what is going on? Have you contacted the unit Chaplin?
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Old 17th September 2012, 12:58 AM   #6
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Thanks RiverRatt, no his command doesn't know. There hasn't been any adultery, even if there was his stripes are not what I want.

It's official, we're moving towards a divorce. I'm beyond devastated but I have to be strong for myself and my son. Our lease doesn't end until January and since he's going to training anyways from November-December, it won't make a difference. I'm so sad that our marriage has been a complete lie. I'm done asking him to go to counseling and try to make things work out, it's clear it isn't what he wants. I'm going to attending counseling for myself though.

I'm terrified about my future and my son's future. The military life is all that I know, I'm working on dropping this weight and getting back into uniform myself, it'll make everything SO much better for us. So,that's what I'm putting all my energy into now.
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Old 17th September 2012, 3:12 AM   #7
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For me probally the most difficult time I've had in life was going from being career military to becoming a civilian again. Ditto with going from being married to single again. It all went down pretty much at the same time. I could sit here all night and write volumes about it. Of the Encyclopedia Britantica volumes. I still have problems and issues with it all.

I try and stay away from people who say they support the military and support the troops, veterans ~ ya~ya~ ya. I don't know if I will be able to control myself the next time I hear it. Action is louder than words and talk is cheap.

The truth of the matter is ~ is America wants its military. Needs its military. But once the danger ~ the threat has passed? It forgets the mental, emotional, physical, pyschological scarifices that those in the military make. And once you get out of the military? You're just another azzhat out on the street. Any and all that you did doesn't mean spit!

The promotion system in the military is based upon merit and achievement. Out here in civilian la~la land its based on who you know and who you're related to. 70 to 80 % of any and all jobs are based upon networking. Guess what? While you were out serving the country via the military? All the Joe Smoes that stayed behing were out networking ~ getting to know Bill, Bob, and Jim and they're the ones that are going to get the jobs out here.

Quote:

nepocracy (noun) : nepotism in
a system of authority (such as a government) in which only family members of the
leader are appointed to important positions

"That church is such a nepocracy. The pastor's son is associate
pastor, his daughter is worship pastor, his sister-in-law is choir leader, his brother is chairman of the deacons, his wife is a sunday school teacher, his father is a deacon, and they even invented a position for his daughter-in-law."


Get use to it ~ its the way of things and the way things work in most parts of the United States today.

The promotion system in the military is a "pyramid" based system ~ thus the higher up you go? The greter the competition. The more "jokers" you've got trying to knock you off. It got so bad in the Marine Corps that they were putting career Marines out with 18 plus years out of the Corps for being over their allowable weight limit. Or if they were but still had a beer gut? Out they went. "Thank you for your eighteen years of military service, but you've got a gut on you and you don't look like a recruiting poster!" Congress finally had to pass a law that you couldn't discharge someone for such once they had eighteen years or more unless they had committed a felony crime. (It got really bad and really ugly!)

The Femi-Nazi's down play it big time, but being a husband, a father, the one that brings home the bacon that has all the weight on them is really stressfull and wear upon an individual. That's not to belittle the burden of being a single mom. But it is very stressfull.

To the OP I would advise just riding it out. It'll pass, and I think that in time he will come to his senses. It sounds as though he's needing to focus and concentrate all of energy and attention toward his career. (For non-military types? It IS that demanding. The United States Marine Corps came out a couple of years ago and tried to make it a Marine Corps regulation that you couldn't be nor get married until you had achieved the rank of Corporal. The Women's Liber's and Mother's of America had a fit about it!)

We've a saying the Marine Corps ~

"The hardest job in the Marine Corps is being a Marines Wife!"
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Old 17th September 2012, 3:17 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riverratt View Post
I think the OP's are on. I am a veteran myself. I did go in the service ,basically, in my field of work and continued after I got out. It is very hard on some people that are looking at getting out and have nothing to go too. I have several friends that are still in because of this fact. One very close friend has made the Sargent Majors list.

You are on with taking care of yourself. No matter what happens you will have to live with yourself. Sounds like you are doing all you can do. Keep it up.

As far as adultery. Hard to say. I know the Army, at one time, would basically fry a person if they did that. Can't say about that now. The Army has changed a lot.

Does his chain of command know what is going on? Have you contacted the unit Chaplin?
Fornication (Having intimate/sexual relations with someone not your lawful wedded spouse) and adultry is still punishable under the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice). And then's there's all the tried but true "Conduct Un-becoming a Member of the Military Service" But they generally only "break" these out when they're really trying to fry you azz and they can't find anything else to charge you with.
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Old 17th September 2012, 3:45 AM   #9
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Well in so longh as he's in? And he's career military you'll have Tri-Care health insurance for the DS. (Make sure he cough's up and go with Tri-Care Prime, and not just the basic nor extra) and Delta Dental (again there will be preimiums and deductables to pay just as with Tri-Care ~ so that's something that you may want to get down on paper. Since your a Vet as well, there's a lot of VA related things that you can and are entitled to. To find out more? You'll want to contact the United States Goverment Printing Office and get the latest copy of Federal Benefits for Veterans" For sale by the Superintendent of Documents, U.S. Goverment Printing Office. Internet: bookstore.gpo.gov Phonetoll free: 866 512-1800 ISBN 978-0-16-082825-6 (ISBN is the number of the publication / book you're seeking ~ you want the latest 2011/12 edition.

I would prospone the actual diviorce in so long as you can. In so doing you'll keep your dependent military ID card which will enable you to shop at the commissary (30% cheaper than shopping for groceries at WalMart etc plus no sales tax) and the PX along with MWR and military discounts. Along with that you yourself can stay on DEERS and TriCare. The TriCare health insurance alone for you would be a big savings. Although I'm retired now, my monthly preimiums for me, myself and I alone is only $21 a month. Were I to take Blue Cross / Blue Shield out at work it would cost me $27 a week ~ just for myself.

Mrs. Gunny has her own health insurance thing going ~ but were I not retired military and had to take out health insurace for her and I both ~ where I work it would be almost $800 a month AFTER TAX!

There's a lot of rant and rave about women getting half of their husband's military retirement just because they were married to them for ten years or more. But in the original court case, a woman had been married to a Marine Col. throughout his carrer. She scarificed any chances of a career for his. She had an MBA but because he changed duty stations every three years or so, she couldn't ever get with a specific company to move up the food chain. She stood by him, joined the Officer's Wives Club, did the socials, the tea parties, the ya~ya to promote his career. (For those that don't know there are only 600 Marine Full Bird Col. on active duty at one time. The next rank above that is Brigader General).

They retired, and he came home and told her that he was leaving her for a woman twenty years younger than she was. All she wanted was her share of his retirement and priviledges that she had earned. In that one and particular case? She was righteous and just in asking for such.

Just to clear something up ~ and individual can have twenty plus years in the military and NOT retire. They just can get out of the miltary like anyone else. Which means he gets nothing ~ and she gets nothing. The XHEX thought I was talking BS ~ until we had a "Come To Jesus" meeeting on the subject. I was dead freaking serious that I would just get out and not retire if she pursued getting half of my military retirement.
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Old 17th September 2012, 7:55 AM   #10
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Quote:
. I'm so sad that our marriage has been a complete lie.
It hasn't. You have your wonderful child. and you will be a better you!!
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Old 17th September 2012, 8:01 AM   #11
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You are right Gunny..People don't understand. Till you have worn stripes and had people under you that you are responsible for. People that haven't been there can't understand it. Writing a letter to a spouse or family member after a death is probably the toughest yet proudest moments, in a weird sort of way, things an NCO can do. It is very sobering.
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Old 17th September 2012, 9:52 AM   #12
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I am in complete and total agreement with both of your responses.

I'll say it again and I stand by my word, I do not want to harm his career, I do not want to get even, I do not want any of his retirement money etc.

I've been talking to a dear mutual friend who is also a licensed family,martial counselor and she's really helped me work through these emotions.

She asked the right questions, encouraged me to continue seeking counseling myself and always inviting him to attend a session. She also reminded me that while I feel completely powerless, I'm not. I have one thing that he wants and that's my signature. She told me if I agreed to divorce this week, that it'd be emotional duress and isn't right. SO with that being said, I'm taking all the time I need and want to decide if ending this marriage is what I want. She also recommended that I don't bring it up any more, when I bring up the topic, it takes away his accountability.

He fits the criteria for having a mid life crisis, almost to a tee. I'm going to stand by his side.

She told me this, and I said yes to every single one of them.
Ask yourself-
Are you still in love with your spouse?
Are you hurt?
Are you scared?
Are you angry?
Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.
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Old 18th September 2012, 12:11 AM   #13
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I just love that man so much. I don't know why this is happening and he won't tell me solid answers, just that he's unhappy and needs to leave the marriage.
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Old 18th September 2012, 12:21 AM   #14
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Keep hanging in there. !!!
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Old 18th September 2012, 12:42 AM   #15
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it's all I can do... I'm starting to love dare, we're a christian family. I cannot walk away from this marriage yet, I need be able to sleep at night, look at myself in the mirror, tell my little boy that I did everything that I could have done.
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