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Clothed-in-strengh

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Clothed-in-strengh

My husband left me in May and I still don't know exactly why he abandoned our marriage. We have been married for 11 years and of course, we had our ups and downs just like any other marriage, but never expected him leaving in a million years. Especially, since he was always telling me how much he loved me and would never want to lose me. He refuses to go to marriage counseling and finally began IC a couple of weeks ago. He refuses to meet face to face to discuss anything and his reasons change for why he left as time goes by. Lately, all he tells me that it's him and not me. I begged and pleaded in the beginning and realize that it was the wrong thing to do, but I felt so rejected and desperate at the time.

 

I have backed off in the last couple of months and see no change in him. We have discussed divorce and he's all for it. Doesn't seem to bother him at all while I'm dying inside. The thought of divorce threw me into a deep depression for a couple of weeks, but I've finally realized that it would be best for me and my young daughter. I don't want to force anyone to be with me if they don't want to.

 

It's been very difficult but I'm getting stronger each day. I just wish I could fast forward my life, and be where I wasn't feeling anymore pain. My mind is working a million miles a minute asking myself why. I lost 15 pounds and I'm small framed, so it's a lot of weight for me. I can't eat or sleep. How long does this usually last?????

:(:(:(

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Sorry that you're hurting so badly. As cliche as this sounds, it's true..Time heals all wounds. Keep good friends and family close to you for help and support during this time. And if need be, consider counselling for yourself to help you cope with all this.

 

Sounds like he *may* have met someone else? I find it quite odd that he just refuses to go to marriage counseling with you.. 11 years is a lot to throw away without trying to reconnect and fix things..Though it sounds like HE is the broken one.

 

Sadly though, when one person truly wants out of a marriage, there isn't much the other spouse can do to change their mind.

 

Do you two have children? If so, family counselling will help everybody (especially them) with all the adjustments and changes.

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It's been very difficult but I'm getting stronger each day. I just wish I could fast forward my life, and be where I wasn't feeling anymore pain. My mind is working a million miles a minute asking myself why. I lost 15 pounds and I'm small framed, so it's a lot of weight for me. I can't eat or sleep. How long does this usually last?????

 

Make yourself eat tiny snacks all through out the day/night. Even if it's a few mouthfuls of yoghurt or a few pieces of cheese, or fruit. Build your appetite back up.

 

Yoga will help relax your mind which will also help you sleep.

 

You did nothing wrong so please do not blame yourself.

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Clothed-in-strengh

whichwayisup,

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I have a young daughter and had her see a family therapist right away. Once I saw no change in my H after I withdrew, I began counseling for my daughter and myself. I've only seen my therapist twice and he's hard to get an appt. with due to all his patients, so I'm thinking of changing my therapist in the near future.

 

I've given infidelity much thought and my gut feeling tells me that's exactly what's going on. He totally denies an affair. I've lurked the forum (new at this by the way) before registering and posting, and after reading so many experiences and responses, I've come to the conclusion that infidelity is the only explanation for his behavior. I'm mentally preparing myself for the news.

 

I'm very fortunate to have a great support system and surrounded by loving people, but can't help to feel depressed at times. It's hard not to look at yourself and "what did I do wrong?. 11 years married and together 13...it's a lot of time!! It's hard to accept that he's not willing to give "us" another chance if he wasn't happy. Everyone tells me it's him and not me. But as you said, time heals all wounds and I just have to be patient.

 

Thanks again for your response

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I wanted to post a little post this am before heading out. I know how it feels to have that question in your mind - when will it get better? how long does it last? And everyone is right, it takes as much time as it takes. I can tell you this, though, as a way to maybe help. It probably won't start to get better until you are no longer living together and you have the idea in your mind that it is over. Most people told me that it would get better a little at a time and I might not see the increments. My brother and a friend both told me that in about 6 months, I would start to see how I felt better. Both were based on their own experience and my friend who said it is a pretty funny person. She told me to mark it in my journal that she said 6 months and I could count on it...of course, I knew there were no definites. I moved out at the end of January, had some awful months and by July, I was feeling better - not well, mind you - not over it and I still am not "over it", but better.

 

I let myself cry whenever I felt like it - it was rivers. I talked to friends, family and went to a support group. I have done some new things and all of this helped and yes, time is your ally. It will get better, it does get better and you will be alright. Reach for some happiness, too. The absence of pain does not equal happiness, but do things in order and I think the kernels of happiness start popping up. Got to go to work, but wanted to tell you that it does get better.

 

Good luck to you and here are some cyber {{{HUGS}}} to start your day.:D

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whichwayisup,

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

I have a young daughter and had her see a family therapist right away. Once I saw no change in my H after I withdrew, I began counseling for my daughter and myself. I've only seen my therapist twice and he's hard to get an appt. with due to all his patients, so I'm thinking of changing my therapist in the near future.

 

I've given infidelity much thought and my gut feeling tells me that's exactly what's going on. He totally denies an affair. I've lurked the forum (new at this by the way) before registering and posting, and after reading so many experiences and responses, I've come to the conclusion that infidelity is the only explanation for his behavior. I'm mentally preparing myself for the news.

 

I'm very fortunate to have a great support system and surrounded by loving people, but can't help to feel depressed at times. It's hard not to look at yourself and "what did I do wrong?. 11 years married and together 13...it's a lot of time!! It's hard to accept that he's not willing to give "us" another chance if he wasn't happy. Everyone tells me it's him and not me. But as you said, time heals all wounds and I just have to be patient.

 

Thanks again for your response

 

I was with my ex for 15 years and married 11.5. She was having an affair and that's why I divorced her. So I understand exactly what you are feeling. You're not sure if he is having an affair. It definitely sounds like there is someone else. You said you are mentally preparing yourself. Just know that it will still hit you like a ton of bricks if there is someone else.

 

It's great that you have a great support system. Keep leaning on them. But know this: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whatever the problems he had with the marriage, he should have communicated them to you.

Now that he wants out and won't do anything to try and fix it, let him go. Focus on your daughter and yourself. Besides, if he is cheating, you don't want a lying, disrespectful, dishonorable man in your life anyway.

 

Time is your ally. It's been about 7 months since I threw my ex out of the house for cheating. It's been about 3 months since the divorce was finalized.

I can tell you that I'm much better than I was 7 months ago. I still have moments that trigger an emotion, but much less than before. I'm better now than I was 3 months ago. 3 months from now I'll be better than I am now. So will you.

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Clothed-in-strengh

Thank you for all of your responses. Today, was one of those really bad days. I contacted my attorney and told him to go ahead and move forward with filing complaint for divorce. My H and I were on the phone today and he crushed me by telling that I have to accept the fact that he wasn't happy. I have so much resentment towards him because he wasn't fair by not voicing his unhappiness. If anything, I was the unhappy one and had to put up with his emotional abuse. I'm so hurt and angry today.

 

All of your responses really help me...thank you. I will continue focusing on myself and my daughter. Time, time, time...please heal me soon!!!

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Please don't look upon me as a spanner-in-the-works but -

 

I hate the phrase "Time is a great healer".

You know why?

because it's a pile of crock.

 

'Time' does nothing - but pass.

WE heal.

but everyone takes their own time, at their own pace. Some people have a swift 'get over it' mentality. Others take much longer.

It's a bereavement, made all the more difficult because the object of our affection still lives.

I have a current phrase which resonates with me strongly, and maybe it will help you:

 

"Whatever we put Energy into - will grow."

 

Hard as it may seem, and I've mentioned this elsewhere, to someone else, it might help you to begin thinking of things as not being the end of something, but the beginning of something better.

Help your daughter cope, too, by faking it until you're making it'.

Be buoyant. Be upbeat. Be positive.

 

Do 'Girly' things with her.

Go to a paint your own pottery outlet and make something together. Go horse-riding with her, shopping and do fun things, with each other, FOR each other.

Consider a pet....

Let her stay up really late one weekend and watch tom and jerry cartoons, re-runs of 'Friends' or whatever takes your fancy. Once a month, give her a treat where she makes all the decisions for the day. (Give her a budget she cannot go over - we don't want her choosing to fly to Paris for the weekend!! :D)

 

Make her your best buddy, and re-focus the direction of your life.

 

File for Divorce, and let the lawyer handle it.

Don't take any bull from your H. If he says he was unhappy - that's his fault. He had a tongue in his head, he should have been more forthcoming. He can't lay that on you now, so don't let him.

The jerk!

Be a positive. vibrant and wonderful influence on your daughter.

THIS - is how you get on without a man in your life.

You can do bloody well without him!

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Im sorry this happened...

 

But it may not be cheating.

 

For cheating to have happened something would have signaled a change of some sort in his routines aand patterns, or he started hiding things.

 

You need to look at the cell phone bills...was there a number he was regularly calling. Charges on the acct---any unusual charges?

 

This is where communication is so important. He isnt telling you what you did wrong. He could be passive/aggressive not wanting to tell you what was wrong.

 

Not sure of your ages or age difference.

 

Did soemthing change in you like significant weight gain? Change in sexual patterns?

 

Did something change with your child?

 

Mayeb he wants to do things but you keep telling him no no no...or say you cant.

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"Whatever we put Energy into - will grow."

 

Great quote, TaraMaiden. It's so true. I tell my daughter she's my BFF all the time and we have been doing a lot together, so I got that covered. She is my focus right now. I just have to focus on myself and get my butt to workout again. I've always worked out and completely stopped since my H left me.

 

Ami1uwant- There has been some changes in my H to believe that he's been cheating. We are the same age and I've actually lost weight in the past 2 years. I had issues with him not showing me affection which led to less sex because he would come home from work, take his anger out on me and then expect sex. The more I think about it, the more I come to the conclusion that this is probably for the best. I wasn't all that happy, but I think things could have been worked out with MC. Regardless, the pain is still there and it's so hard to let go.

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Clothed-in-strengh

Ok, so some time has passed. I've come to find out that he was in contact with OW and had a brief EA. I went completely dark for a couple of weeks after learning about EA and continued working on myself and daughter.

 

He is now telling me that he is no longer in contact with OW and wants to work on us. BUT, he doesn't let me have access to cell phone bill. Without transparency, I don't want to work on anything. He claims he will give me full access to everything once he knows things are heading in the right direction with us.

 

Should I believe him? He wants to go out on a date and a part of me wants to go, but something is holding me back.

 

Please help!! Suggestions???

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Ok, so some time has passed. I've come to find out that he was in contact with OW and had a brief EA. I went completely dark for a couple of weeks after learning about EA and continued working on myself and daughter.

 

He is now telling me that he is no longer in contact with OW and wants to work on us. BUT, he doesn't let me have access to cell phone bill. Without transparency, I don't want to work on anything. He claims he will give me full access to everything once he knows things are heading in the right direction with us.

 

Should I believe him? He wants to go out on a date and a part of me wants to go, but something is holding me back.

 

Please help!! Suggestions???

 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine - suddenly told me of his unhappiness and wanting out, etc. He still denies an affair, but I have suspicions.

 

I have been in counseling for myself and my therapist told me that without extensive therapy for him to work through his emotions, it will never work. My husband sounds similar in that he didn't show me affection, was closed off, and then would just expect sex. I didn't deny him sex, but it was harder for me to get into the mood when he wouldn't be affectionate outside of the bedroom.

 

If you want to work things out, I would suggest making counseling for him a deal breaker. Communication has to be worked on, and I agree about your wanting transparency, especially after he finally admitted an EA.

 

How were you feeling before he said he wanted to maybe work things out - were you feeling like you were moving through this and forward without him? Think of how you were unhappy at certain times and bring those to the table with him and ask if he's willing to work on those areas.

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....Without transparency, I don't want to work on anything. He claims he will give me full access to everything once he knows things are heading in the right direction with us.

 

Should I believe him? He wants to go out on a date and a part of me wants to go, but something is holding me back.

 

Please help!! Suggestions???

He does NOT get to lay down conditions while he is the one effectively destroying everything around you.

Forgive me, but - How the hell dare he start telling you what he will and won't do?

This is not on him to dictate in any measure, in any way, to any degree.

The conditions have to all be imposed by you.

I'll be honest with you - this sounds to me as if he is trying to pour oil on troubled waters;

My cynical, doubting and suspicious self thinks that what he wants to do, is to go on a date with you, get back on an even keel with you - then show you what he wants you to see - while very probably carrying something on behind your back. Sorted, cake and eat!

Gimme a break...!!

I'd kick his @ss to the kerb and tell him to shove his 'transparency' where the sun never shines!

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Wants to mend fences "without transpancy" - until things are heading in the right direction. Yeah, Right.

 

I agree with Taramaiden. In my own words, I would describe your husband's request is, at the very, very least, a contradiction; and at worst (and probably, more accurately stated), sociopathically arogant.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders. Perhaps you followed through with your legal council, and now, his position has shifted? Or, as another poster stated, Cake-2-Go? You cannot trust him, now.

 

And you have no idea what EA is code for, do you? Were you there? Who is she? Is she married, with a family? Does her family know? How do you know she might not come out of the woodwork again? How old is she? There are a lot of unanswered questions that he has no plans on answering honestly, at least for now. If there wasn't something to hide, there would not be a need NONDISCLOSURE.

 

This is just my opinion: I believe EA is the "new affair" that's really the first stage of the "old affair" (e.g., a man is a man, he will look and find a way to dic his EA - that is the logical conclusion). Yas

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How were you feeling before he said he wanted to maybe work things out - were you feeling like you were moving through this and forward without him? Think of how you were unhappy at certain times and bring those to the table with him and ask if he's willing to work on those areas.

 

I was beginning to feel so much better and feeling like myself again. Ready to move on and accepting that our marriage was over. I think he saw this and didn't like one bit. Latley, he's seen me laughing, smiling and joking around like me old self. He finally began IC and has told me that he really likes his therapist which was a huge surprise to me because he's always been so closed minded when it came to IC or MC.

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He does NOT get to lay down conditions while he is the one effectively destroying everything around you.

Forgive me, but - How the hell dare he start telling you what he will and won't do?

This is not on him to dictate in any measure, in any way, to any degree.

The conditions have to all be imposed by you.

I'll be honest with you - this sounds to me as if he is trying to pour oil on troubled waters;

My cynical, doubting and suspicious self thinks that what he wants to do, is to go on a date with you, get back on an even keel with you - then show you what he wants you to see - while very probably carrying something on behind your back. Sorted, cake and eat!

Gimme a break...!!

I'd kick his @ss to the kerb and tell him to shove his 'transparency' where the sun never shines!

 

 

Thank you, TaraMaiden. I totally agree with you and appreciate you confirming my thoughts. I'll use your exact words in what he can do with "transparency"...lol.

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Wants to mend fences "without transpancy" - until things are heading in the right direction. Yeah, Right.

 

I agree with Taramaiden. In my own words, I would describe your husband's request is, at the very, very least, a contradiction; and at worst (and probably, more accurately stated), sociopathically arogant.

 

You have a good head on your shoulders. Perhaps you followed through with your legal council, and now, his position has shifted? Or, as another poster stated, Cake-2-Go? You cannot trust him, now.

 

And you have no idea what EA is code for, do you? Were you there? Who is she? Is she married, with a family? Does her family know? How do you know she might not come out of the woodwork again? How old is she? There are a lot of unanswered questions that he has no plans on answering honestly, at least for now. If there wasn't something to hide, there would not be a need NONDISCLOSURE.

 

This is just my opinion: I believe EA is the "new affair" that's really the first stage of the "old affair" (e.g., a man is a man, he will look and find a way to dic his EA - that is the logical conclusion). Yas

 

The OW is divorced with two children. They met at a bar and he states that she made him feel "special" and liked the attention she gave him. She's a few years younger than my husband and according to my husband she isn't "me". So, I'm guessing he is now beginning to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. Who knows!

 

All I know is that I will not put myself or my daughter through anymore heartache, so I am being very cautious. After getting reassurance from all of you, I will not entertain a date with transparency. He doesn't get to set the rules...I do.

 

Thank you all for the support and advice! You are the best!

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C.i.S. My feel for you. Had the same thing happend to my marriage almost three years ago.

 

Most often there is another person in their life that catches their eye or heart. I didnt find out my XW had an OM until after she divorced me. That is not always the case but most often sadly is. Either way, when they are done with us they are done. It's not your fault. He is selfish and is taking the cowards way out like my XW did. Simple as that.

 

Your husbands behavior is an exact mirror of my XW's behavior and let me tell you it is beyond creepy. It's as if a switch went off in them one day and all of a sudden you are the worst person in the world to them. It's surreal to say the least. And like your H my XW never told me she was unhappy in our marriage until d-day. I never had a chance of saving the marriage.

 

I know exactly how you feel but I will tell you that once the dust settles, things will get better for you. May not seem that way now but it will.

The initial shock for me lasted well over a month. Also lost weight and had some stress related problems. This is traumatic and it will affect you even physically. Make sure you take care of yourself and seek out family and friends for support. It then took almost two years to get to a point where I dont care what she does and where she has no impact in my life any more. Time is the key. It just takes time.

 

Get legal advice and pony up for a divorce. Dont hesitate to do this. Dont let him dictate to you what will happen. You need to take control NOW. Good luck to you.

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Clothed-in-strengh

It's been a while since I posted and feel the need to write my feelings and thoughts to keep myself sane. Besides, mostly everyone has gone through or is going through the same situation, so you can empathize and guide me better than anyone else.

 

It's been six months now and I feel so much anger. I hate H for turning my life upside down. H tells me he loves me and wants to work on our marriage but hasn't shown one ounce of sympathy, remorse, or transparency. Why bother telling me you want to work on the marriage if you aren't going to put your effort into it? Instead, he has been telling me that I've been pushing him away by telling him how I feel. (BTW, there is more than just the EA I mentioned in previous post.) He is just full of it!

 

Since H has made absolutely no effort, I decided to just let go. I went NC again this past weekend and screwed things up by emailing him tonight. My email was full of anger and basically told him to F himself. I want him out of my life, but we share a daughter and will never happen. I want H to hurt as much as I'm hurting. I know that's mean and so unlike me to say something like that, but I can't help myself. That is how I'm feeling at the moment. Someone told me that anger is good. It means I'm getting over him. Is that true? I really hope so.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. You have been great with your responses in the past and they are greatly appreciated.

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paradigm shift

I could write this post from my pov, CIS, and it would read exactly the same!!

 

No intimacy for a long time, and I became complacent, but who wants angry sex all the time? It's nice to feel loved and cherished, but I guess from his standpoint it would be nice if I had not seen it as one more thing to do lol!

 

While we are both at fault, it doesn't help when they shut down emotionally and then leave it to us to say something so they can confess they haven't loved us for years and have been unhappy.

 

While I in no way minimize the role I had to play in the failure of my marriage, no one ever said I had to read minds as well.

 

Oh, and don't even begin about EA and I agree with Yas, new acronym, same old same old affair!

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P.S. I'm sorry you're going through the same things. I agree, we can't be mind readers.

 

I gave H plenty opportunities to communicate his thoughts and feelings. My H is a moody man and always felt he didn't love me by his lack of affection/intimacy.

 

He mistreated me at times (verbal abusive) and when I would ask him about his behavior, his response would be he was tired or had a headache. Now, I know I'm not perfect and somehow contributed to the breakdown of my marriage also, but they weren't things that couldn't be fixed. I found myself doing less for him because I fell into depression.

 

I would always question H if he was happy and/or his love for me. H would say he loved me more than anything and would never want to lose me.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I asked H why he didn't express his feelings to me and he stated he didn't wan to hurt me feelings. But it's okay to rip by heart out by leaving me instead, right?

 

Sadly, he lied to me all these years and it kills to think of it. It's so hard to let go. But I ask myself why...I wasn't happy. :(

 

I hope his OW makes him happy and only wish him the best. She can deal with his $*** now!

 

I wish you luck P.S. and thank you for your response. :)

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P.S. I'm sorry you're going through the same things. I agree, we can't be mind readers.

 

I gave H plenty opportunities to communicate his thoughts and feelings. My H is a moody man and always felt he didn't love me by his lack of affection/intimacy.

 

He mistreated me at times (verbal abusive) and when I would ask him about his behavior, his response would be he was tired or had a headache. Now, I know I'm not perfect and somehow contributed to the breakdown of my marriage also, but they weren't things that couldn't be fixed. I found myself doing less for him because I fell into depression.

 

I would always question H if he was happy and/or his love for me. H would say he loved me more than anything and would never want to lose me.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I asked H why he didn't express his feelings to me and he stated he didn't wan to hurt me feelings. But it's okay to rip by heart out by leaving me instead, right?

 

Sadly, he lied to me all these years and it kills to think of it. It's so hard to let go. But I ask myself why...I wasn't happy. :(

 

I hope his OW makes him happy and only wish him the best. She can deal with his $*** now!

 

I wish you luck P.S. and thank you for your response. :)

 

Same here regarding the mind reading and everything. This hurts so bad even though the rational part of me knows that I'll be better of without someone like that.

 

My therapist told me last night that he thinks one year from now I'll be in such a happier place in my life (due to working through this difficult process and taking care of myself). I hope so, but it's so hard to see the light after all of this darkness. Hopefully we'll all get to the point where we're happier without these kinds of people in our lives.

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paradigm shift

You know, this board should be required reading for all couples about to get married...we have enough hindsight advice to save the world!

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P.S. You are so right. I agree.

 

I'm having one of those days. I'm pathetic and so mad at myself.

 

I realized that I pushed H away by questioning him.

 

I should've just kept NC but was given false hope. Now, I find myself back to square one yet again.

 

It just hurts so much to see the person you once loved with all your heart is no longer there...a complete stranger.

 

I need to find strength for NC again but feeling so damn weak. I hate this!!

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You Know, CIS, I talked to my therapist yesterday and told her that H seemed mad when he came over to fix a problem on the house. First of all, I asked if he would or that I could hire someone, up to him, but I made sure that I was leaving when he was coming in...I didn't say where I was going (but it was obvious since I had the dog and lead lol), came back, was polite and left again. She said it was probably because since I said I was heartbroken and wanted to work on marriage, he expected me to be heartbroken. When I wasn't, logically, he knows I have to carry on, but emotionally he was "I can't believe she doesn't even miss me."

 

I wrote him an email outlining my feelings (ie work on marriage, makes me sad, angry and hurt all at the same time) and no reply.

 

So I guess what I am trying to say is vent here, go to IC, if you are not already (I always feel great afterwards...:) ), cry if you have to, but carry on. I also agree that if you are entertaining any thoughts of working on the marriage, to obtain counseling as a couple. It may lead to reconciliation or

it may not, but at least you can work through all your feelings

 

I suggested MC, but when I found a counselor three days after separation, H said "it was too soon" . WTF?? I guess he has stuff to work out too...good luck to him

 

And (((hugs))) to you CIS :)

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