For Better or Worse?

[JD1977]

I have only been reading these threads for a few days now but I am finding myself feeling better and worse.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one going through a tough time (some of you a lot worse than me) right now. And it helps to hear other people's thoughts and encouragement, but man, it is sure making me question wether or not I still believe in marriage. So many people are hurting on here. And then I think of all of my friend who seemingly have it all, in life and with their spouses. But when you hear them talk about their issues it seems to be evident that one person is fine, and the other seems to get the short end of the stick. I never thought I would feel this way, but I don't know if I believe in marriage anymore. Who is living happily ever after?

 

I wish I could just magically fix all your problems, and take away all your pain.

[GuyInLimbo]

I've found this place very comforting as well. I feel very, very alone in my situation and know of no one in my circle of friends going through what I am or feeling what I'm feeling. I don't like to see anyone in pain, but it is "nice" to know I'm not the only one dealing with this crap.

[M30USA]

I agree with your sentiment. Many people seem unhappy in marriage. And even in the ones that don't end in divorce, as you said, there is usually one person who gets "the short end of the stick". There always seems to be one person who is the dominant one, the one who receives the most from the other spouse while giving back almost nothing. For the person on top, everything is great. They wonder what the problem is. This is only because life is great for them, while the other person is entirely spent. I would estimate that 10% or less of marriages are balanced: where both people give and receive about the same level. Very sad.

[TaraMaiden]

I would estimate that 10% or less of marriages are balanced: where both people give and receive about the same level. Very sad.

 

QFT.

Around 50% of marriages break up because people simply fail to understand the dynamics.

The dynamics are that unfortunately, one person is always going to be the taker, and the other the giver.

But Compromise, communication, constant co-operative work, trust and respect, are required, to be enable the relationship to flourish.

And sometimes, the 'giver' will take, and the 'taker' will give.

 

It's a fine balancing act and one 50% of couples obviously fail.

 

But as is quite clear - the remaining 50% aren't necessarily Brady Bunch material - and maybe they don't divorce/separate for a number of reasons: secret affairs, health, apathy, children, finances, families' expectations, business partnerships.... could be anything.

As a former assistant in a Counselling organisation, having done preliminary training, and having worked with the organisation for some considerable time - I would say that one of the most important aspects of Marriage is detailed preparation.

we used to run workshops expressedly for couples wishing to marry in Church: it was a compulsory proviso laid down by the church that these couples attend such a weekend workshop.

 

Almost without exception, the couples were begrudging and maybe even resentful about having to attend... after all, they had probably known each other for a while, most had lived together - heck, some even already had children together, and had been living as 'man and wife' for years.

 

Almost* without exception, they were so grateful they had attended - they had discovered stuff about one another - and themselves - which really, they had never thought about previously, considered important, or thought of as relevant....

 

You've heard of the saying: "Don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff."....?

Well, forget that - sweat it.

Really, really sweat it.

 

 

It's the cement that keeps a house together - Not the bricks.

 

 

 

 

(* 'Almost'. It pains me to say it, but the small number of people who STILL thought it a complete waste of time, at the end of the weekend - were all men.

at least, they were during my 6 years there.... And I first of all assisted at, then actually ran, the workshops myself, on about 6 times a year....

Not one single woman ever thought it had been trivial, futile or unnecessary. But I would say - out of the near-1000 people I msat have seen over the years, maybe around 20 guys weren't happy about having been made to attend....)

[M30USA]

QFT.

Around 50% of marriages break up because people simply fail to understand the dynamics.

The dynamics are that unfortunately, one person is always going to be the taker, and the other the giver.

But Compromise, communication, constant co-operative work, trust and respect, are required, to be enable the relationship to flourish.

And sometimes, the 'giver' will take, and the 'taker' will give.

 

It's a fine balancing act and one 50% of couples obviously fail.

 

But as is quite clear - the remaining 50% aren't necessarily Brady Bunch material - and maybe they don't divorce/separate for a number of reasons: secret affairs, health, apathy, children, finances, families' expectations, business partnerships.... could be anything.

As a former assistant in a Counselling organisation, having done preliminary training, and having worked with the organisation for some considerable time - I would say that one of the most important aspects of Marriage is detailed preparation.

we used to run workshops expressedly for couples wishing to marry in Church: it was a compulsory proviso laid down by the church that these couples attend such a weekend workshop.

 

Almost without exception, the couples were begrudging and maybe even resentful about having to attend... after all, they had probably known each other for a while, most had lived together - heck, some even already had children together, and had been living as 'man and wife' for years.

 

Almost* without exception, they were so grateful they had attended - they had discovered stuff about one another - and themselves - which really, they had never thought about previously, considered important, or thought of as relevant....

 

You've heard of the saying: "Don't sweat the small stuff - and it's all small stuff."....?

Well, forget that - sweat it.

Really, really sweat it.

 

 

It's the cement that keeps a house together - Not the bricks.

 

 

 

 

(* 'Almost'. It pains me to say it, but the small number of people who STILL thought it a complete waste of time, at the end of the weekend - were all men.

at least, they were during my 6 years there.... And I first of all assisted at, then actually ran, the workshops myself, on about 6 times a year....

Not one single woman ever thought it had been trivial, futile or unnecessary. But I would say - out of the near-1000 people I msat have seen over the years, maybe around 20 guys weren't happy about having been made to attend....)

 

Yea, well it sucks being the giver. Life is skippy for the takers.

[TaraMaiden]

A good relationship balances the dynamic, and even alternates.

 

If that can't be achieved then, yes - at one time, the 'giver' is going to find themselves with nothing left to give - except a whole pile of resentment. Understandably so.

 

 

(XX, 'Contrarian'. )

[Gunny376]

Is marriage worth it? Well 22 years after having been divorced ~ from my one and only marriage ~ twelve years of marriage ~ another six and half years of livng together with another woman?

 

Yes I think its worth it. It sure beats living alone. It beats being Single and I'm here to tell you that being single isn't all that the media cracks it up to be.

 

I mean I've done the Solitary Man thing in a big way. And being single definaltely has its advantages ~ but its not going out and bagging another woman everynight. And even if it were? That would get old quick, fast and in a hurry like.

 

And coming home to an empty house isn't any fun. Any empty apartment/house doesn't make it a Home.

 

Old Navy Salts will tell you that a ship really isn't a ship without a company of Marines. To me and for me? A house / apartment isn't a Home without a woman.

 

You need someone just to keep you grounded and balanced. Someone to bounce things off of ~ because when your single? You can come up and think some wild and crazy things.

 

I like a woman's touch in and around the house. I like the frilly, grily, homey, country touches that women bring to a house. I love coming home to someone ~ someone that wants to wake them up from sleep just to let them know that I'm home. I love getting a shower and just having someone to climb into bed with and do some cuddling and hugging with.

 

I want someone who's going to be there to share the highs and lows with me. Someone who's going to pick me up when I'm down, celebrate lifes little victories.

 

Just knowing you have someone in this life that gives a damn about me means a lot to me.

 

Getting into a relationship is easy ~ getting married is easy ~ finding yourself a BF or GF or even a husband or wife? Easy as a walk in tha' park. So easy in fact? You can just about stumble into one without knowing it! Bam! Your in a relationship! Bam! Your married.

 

The hard part comes in making a relationship work! Even harder sometimes? Is getting out of a relationship!

 

But the really, really, ........................hard part of it is? Finding someone that really, truly freaking loves you and who is willing to sign on for fifty or so years of putting up with your happy azz and crazy azz BS! :love: :lmao:

 

I found that through the grace of the Good Lord and Jesus ~ via none other than Mrs. Gunny!

Edited August 26, 2012 by Gunny376