Wife will not acknowledge that I am done

[nooneyouknow]

I'm trying to separate from my wife of 25 years. My kids are grown now, and there is another woman I want to be with, in another state, 1000+ miles away. I feel my marriage is really dead, both physically and in terms of doing things together. My wife and I have little in common.

The problem is, while I have actually told my wife what I want, she has gotten very sad and is looking for specific things to "fix", i.e. go to the gym more, have more sex, etc etc. She does not acknowledge that I really want to leave.

She said 'i don't want you to leave me", gives me the sad puppy dogs eyes, and then carries on like everything is fine, making plans for future events together.

Has anyone ever faced this type of behavior? Any suggestions?

[TNGUY881]

I am trying to be seperated right now with my wife and she is doing the same thing, as far as being sad and all that. But as far as her trying and putting forth more effort, I am not seeing that at all. Its really hard to go through with this because she makes me feel so terrible. I have tried this many times and have given up when she starts getting sad and depressed. I dont know what to do other than bite the bullet and just stick to what i want.

[2sunny]

You're not sticking to what you intend.

 

Be clear with your words - instill your actions to support your intent.

 

It may be simplest words are direct communication - such as:

 

We are finished. I'll be moving out next Friday. I won't be giving you any personal info about my future or plans. We both need to move forward now.

 

See what I mean? How could she get the wrong idea about that?

[Steen719]

So, I read your other thread. I am being serious when I say the following:

 

You have been having an affair with this OW...old friend... who you started up with on facebook or some other social network. You see her bi-monthly or whatever and have great sex. You say she is insatiable. You love her and see her as your soulmate...yes, she has some issues and is a little dramatic, clingy, jealous, but it is because you two are so far apart from each other.

 

I think you should immediately tell your wife that you are leaving, as 2Sunny says. Go to your girlfriend and have your wonderful life with her. If it truly turns out to be wonderful, then you will have done the right thing. If it does not....and sorry, but the probability is that it won't and oh....the sex won't be 2-3 times a day that you say she masturbates thinking of the two of you, at least not for long, but in any case, if it doesn't work out, you will no longer be married to a woman you do not love and perhaps your wife will find someone who she might enjoy being with, in all manners.

 

You can't lose with this. You get out, your wife gets a chance at another life without a cheater and you get a new life with a cheater. I think it sounds pretty good.

 

Breast cancer is not pretty, nooneyouknow. I have lost a mother and 3 aunts to it and friends. Your comments about your wife's family history of breast cancer and your not understanding why she does not want to take hormones because your girlfriend does and is jacked up just indicates how selfish you are.

 

For your sake and your wife's, leave this week. Your wife will hurt, but she is infinitely better off finding someone who will honor her and not cheat before he divorces. Honor and integrity, you know? At least be honest with her about the other woman.

[2sunny]

I'm trying to separate from my wife of 25 years. My kids are grown now, and there is another woman I want to be with, in another state, 1000+ miles away. I feel my marriage is really dead, both physically and in terms of doing things together. My wife and I have little in common.

The problem is, while I have actually told my wife what I want, she has gotten very sad and is looking for specific things to "fix", i.e. go to the gym more, have more sex, etc etc. She does not acknowledge that I really want to leave.

She said 'i don't want you to leave me", gives me the sad puppy dogs eyes, and then carries on like everything is fine, making plans for future events together.

Has anyone ever faced this type of behavior? Any suggestions?

 

Yep, when you are honest with her she will make it easier to leave. "honey - I've been having mad, passionate sex with this Other Woman and I'm leaving you".

 

There'd be no way for her to misinterpret your truth. You tell her your scummy actions - she may make it easier to leave SOONER.

 

There's no TRY - do or do not.

 

The way you type with little emotion about your W of 25 years makes me understand it's not the first time you've cheated...

[CC12]

So you told her you want to leave and then...you didn't leave or make any real plans to? What do you expect her to do? She apparently still wants to be with you, so of course she's going to try to make it work because you're still there, giving her the impression that there's still a chance.

 

Like others have said, make a firm plan to leave and stick to it. It's not fair to give her false hope while she's running around trying to change herself and having sex with you more often. Is that actually happening, by the way, or is it just talk?

[Steadfast]

She said 'i don't want you to leave me", gives me the sad puppy dogs eyes, and then carries on like everything is fine, making plans for future events together.Has anyone ever faced this type of behavior? Any suggestions?

 

Leave, and don't take no for an answer. Break clean and don't look back. It will hurt her, but you're not concerned about her feelings. IMO, you're concerned about the guilty feelings you will experience when you do.

 

But it's too late for that. You are poison in her life that's making her sick. The withdraws will be a long and difficult process for her to work through, but it's better than the alternative. Staying with you. That is the worst.

 

Leave her and stay away.

[xenomorph]

I just can't get my head around the broken-record concept of a WS who wants out of a marriage so bad, yet OMITTING THE VERY DETAIL THAT WILL MOST LIKELY ENSURE THE DIVORCE YOU WANT SO BAD. She will have far more respect for you if you are honest and respectful about what is going on in your head. You may not like what you hear--and too bad, you're gonna have to hear it--but it will make the process a whole lot smoother for everyone involved.

 

If my stbxh had told me he was falling for another woman/had an affair, I would have had a MUCH easier time letting him go, and me move on. Thing is, he doesn't want to admit to it because (and these are some pretty good assumptions here):

 

1. Guilt

2. It will hurt his image

3. Cannot handle conflict/passive aggressive

4. Secretly wants me as a "back up" plan/ego boost

 

Betrayed Spouse's response to those reasons:

1. Not my cross to bear

2. Not my problem

3. Grow up already!

4. Uh, no. When you walked out that door and into another's genitals, the door back into my life shut with 10 dead bolts and an attack dog. Good luck prying your way back in.

 

 

Cheaters do not want to divulge information because they feel they lose control of the situation if they do. Accept that you have to give up "control" in order to reach the goal you so desire: a Divorce, and no gray area.

 

The least you can do for her is give her the peace of mind of knowing WHY. Let her move on. The more honest and open you are, the more likely you two will have a civil post-divorce relationship, which will effectively:

 

1. Remove guilt on your part

2. Maintain a decent image

3. Show everyone how much of a grown up you are!

4. You both move on, and the option of friendship is open in the future post-healing

 

Isn't that amazing? All goals accomplished by the simple act of HONESTY.

 

 

 

 

From my own personal experience:

I never cheated, but I did leave someone for someone else. I was honest, and I accepted the consequences of my actions. The person I left respects me because I didn't lie, cheat, or behave like I wanted cake to have and eat. I know I can call him up anytime if I wanted to and be friends. He was NOT a "back up" plan or a "hindrance" to my wants. He was a human being who deserved respect and the truth so he could move on.

[Damia]

First move- was yours ,you told her "hey I'm not feeln it anymore let's get divorced"

 

Second move -was hers,she looked for a fix and started self improvements

 

Next (third)move- is yours ! Annnnd you are doing what??

 

Moaning about the lack action on your wifes part .

 

I wonder if the roles were reversed ,would you be rushing around making your cheating wife's divorce simple and pain free ?

 

What you are saying to your wife and your actions are giving mixed messages

Edited May 3, 2012 by Damia

[stillafool]

I'm trying to separate from my wife of 25 years. My kids are grown now, and there is another woman I want to be with, in another state, 1000+ miles away. I feel my marriage is really dead, both physically and in terms of doing things together. My wife and I have little in common.

The problem is, while I have actually told my wife what I want, she has gotten very sad and is looking for specific things to "fix", i.e. go to the gym more, have more sex, etc etc. She does not acknowledge that I really want to leave.

She said 'i don't want you to leave me", gives me the sad puppy dogs eyes, and then carries on like everything is fine, making plans for future events together.

Has anyone ever faced this type of behavior? Any suggestions?

 

Pack your stuff and leave. Simple as that. Tell her you don't want sex with her because you are in love with someone else. You don't need a divorce to leave the marriage. Go now so you wife will have a chance to heal and meet someone who will love her.

[findingnemo]

This^^^^^

 

Pack a bag and leave. Call her later and tell her your plans to get the rest of your stuff. The easy way to do this frankly is to sit her down and tell her you're in love with someone else, and not with her anymore. That will seal the deal. While your W is reacting angrily, you'll have time to file for D. Once you've filed, she'll get that you want out. Before you do all this, she is bound to believe there's hope.

[worldgonewrong]

She said 'i don't want you to leave me", gives me the sad puppy dogs eyes, and then carries on like everything is fine, making plans for future events together.

 

The utter disdain & contempt with which you pepper your portrait of your wife is horrendous.

You're breaking her heart, hence the 'sad puppy dog eyes'.

 

But you're right - she shouldn't be sad, because you're selfish and doesn't deserve to be with someone so closed off and selfish.

 

I say this on behalf of all guys here who would give their right arm to be with a devoted, responsive, feeling wife who cares about 'future events together'.

[nooneyouknow]

Steen, Re: breast cancer. Yes, it may kill someone. However, refusing the hormones and having no life, no zest, and no interest in sex is like walking around dead anyway. And not only did that affect my wife, it affected me and basically ended our relationship.

I have more respect for the GF who knows there is a slight risk, but would rather live happy than live a zombie life.

[nooneyouknow]

worldgonewrong, you're right, I'm a sex addict. I admit it. And you know what? I like it!

[nooneyouknow]

Damia, If my wife wanted out, I would graciously let her go. WTF do I care? If someone doesn't want to be with me, the decent thing, the ONLY thing, is to let them go.

[2sunny]

Damia, If my wife wanted out, I would graciously let her go. WTF do I care? If someone doesn't want to be with me, the decent thing, the ONLY thing, is to let them go.

 

Have you specifically told your wife that you are cheating? Yes or no?

[Steen719]

Steen, Re: breast cancer. Yes, it may kill someone. However, refusing the hormones and having no life, no zest, and no interest in sex is like walking around dead anyway. And not only did that affect my wife, it affected me and basically ended our relationship.

I have more respect for the GF who knows there is a slight risk, but would rather live happy than live a zombie life.

 

Are you kidding me? Your wife has a family history of breast cancer. The chance of her getting breast cancer on hormones is significantly higher than your GF has.

 

Tell your wife this ^^^^what you said and she will find a way to let you go, believe me. Tell her you have a gf and you find yourself to be consumed with her and do not want to be married anymore. Be a stand up man, for God's sake. Quit being a weasel and LEAVE HER. If you don't think she will be better off without you. you are deluded. Like you are a prize! Good God, she is better off by herself for an eternity than to be with a cold and callous man like you. You are quite a man, nooneyouknow...quite a man. I would say that you and your gf deserve each other for an eternity. Now there would be a show to see.

[nooneyouknow]

worldgonewrong-somehow you totally misrepresented what my wife is like, or perhaps I did not explain it.

devoted-yes, responsive-so, so, maybe when pushed, but basically not, just sleepwalking through life. feeling? Uh, not so much.

It is great to be kind, good hearted, trustworthy, devoted, etc. It is not so great to be dead to life, lack any sexual appetite, and be totally about work, how much money you work, sleeping, and depression. I can't even remember the last time we went to the movies together. She has been working nights for 15 years, despite my having asked her to switch to days many, many times.

[nooneyouknow]

I believe she would be better off w/o me. It is her who does not see this.

[trippi1432]

So, you saw it for her and acted.....??

[CC12]

I believe she would be better off w/o me. It is her who does not see this.

 

You don't have to convince her to allow you to leave. You don't need her permission. Just leave. What are you waiting for?

[trippi1432]

Have you specifically told your wife that you are cheating? Yes or no?

 

Obviously not...or has walked a very grey area of honesty telling her how she doesn't measure up.

 

So, you saw it for her and acted.....??

 

You know the truth of what you want...your freedom, so let her go and don't blame her for being a devoted and loving wife.

 

You don't have to convince her to allow you to leave. You don't need her permission. Just leave. What are you waiting for?

 

That is a good question...leave...simple. Okay...yeah, in YOUR book, you don't want to be the bad guy..so just make up a lie...my ex did. Nothing to it. The ugly thing to do is take her down with you...that is what my ex did...put blame all on everything else but his own personal agenda. There is no Team in "I".

 

And yes, you will be better off and she will too....go get your woman who understands you...let your wife become the woman she held back on while being who she thought she needed to be for her family. Both wins...

Edited May 4, 2012 by trippi1432

[14afreshstart]

I'm trying to separate from my wife of 25 years. My kids are grown now, and there is another woman I want to be with, in another state, 1000+ miles away. I feel my marriage is really dead, both physically and in terms of doing things together. My wife and I have little in common.

The problem is, while I have actually told my wife what I want, she has gotten very sad and is looking for specific things to "fix", i.e. go to the gym more, have more sex, etc etc. She does not acknowledge that I really want to leave.

She said 'i don't want you to leave me", gives me the sad puppy dogs eyes, and then carries on like everything is fine, making plans for future events together.

Has anyone ever faced this type of behavior? Any suggestions?]

 

so let me understand something here, you just don't feel like it is working out anymore, you lost the element of excitement after 25 years? wow, so now having raised a family and things are easier you feel like you're running out of time and you need to take care of number1. sorry but that appears to be so cold, to ditch someone you spent more than a quarter of a century with. just like that you erase precious memories and you negatively impact not only your wife but also your kids, family and friends.

[Texsec]

Have you considered what you are missing from your wife? Have you thought to tell her "this is what I need to be ok" She knows you have another woman, even when you try to hide it, you might as well have it tattooed on your forehead....I will assure you she knows, but, she is terrified of confronting you about it......So, she is trying to make herself more attractive for you...trying her best to do what you want....

 

Consider the time invested with her, see if you can give her a shot at what you are missing and you won't wake up 5 years from now and go "Holy Sh#t, what did I do....Will your new toy stand by you when your broke, sick or injured and can't work? Sounds like your wife would sell a kidney to help you if you needed it.....Just think for a min. with the bigger head....

Just IMO, no offense, you do what you gotta do.....I have several friends that have done the middle age crazy and 4 out of 5 regretted it big time....

[xenomorph]

DO NOT work things out with your wife. Leave her. Tell her what you've been telling LS here. If you're so damn proud of who you are, then it shouldn't matter what your wife thinks of you when you really get lucid.

 

Ugh, it just pains me to know that nooneyouknow is tearing down a perfectly good woman.

It is great to be kind, good hearted, trustworthy, devoted, etc. It is not so great to be dead to life, lack any sexual appetite, and be totally about work, how much money you work, sleeping, and depression. I can't even remember the last time we went to the movies together. She has been working nights for 15 years, despite my having asked her to switch to days many, many times.

^^^^ She's being RESPONSIBLE. Sometimes life gets in a rut. LIFE HAPPENS, it won't stay the same unless you let it, but you can't see past that. Things can get better if you both work at it, but all you can think about is YOUR needs. What about hers? She's thinking about not just herself, but YOU and the kids. I see nothing wrong with her other than she needs help and love and understanding... and all you do is complain about what's wrong with HER (nevermind YOU), have an affair, and chase a unicorn.

 

Leave her leave her leave her. You're terrible for her.

Better yet, show her THIS thread. Tell her to get an account and that the LS community will be more than happy to help her cope as you drive 1000 miles away towards your unicorn.