alfie1_2 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 Hi, Only joined the site yesterday but wish i'd found it sooner and discovered the '180' as in the last weeks, all the 'do nots' i have been doing and i only seem to be driving my wife away from me. Bit of background - I have been with my wife Jen nearly 17 years, married for 8 years and have two twin boys aged 5. We are each others first only serious relationship. 2 weeks ago, after some time of unspoken tension in the house, I came home from the pub and asked my wife if she still loved me........I really wish I hadn't now as she told me that she loved me but wasn't in love with me. I have unknowingly and knowing being struggling with depression which has seriously affected our relationship. I have been very selfish and not shown her any affection or told her i love her enough. I know that i have not been a very good husband. I have only just started counselling and i am starting to understand why i am like i am and put things in place to be a better husband and father. The timing of this has really stunk as i was looking forward to using what i am learning to improve my relationship with my wife. We have had a talk this morning and she is insistent that we have time apart (separation) by we cannot afford to have separate houses and i do not have anyone that i can stay with. I'm ashamed to admit that the whole situation has finally made me realise how much i love her and desperately want things to go back to how they were but i am worried i may be too late. She has not ruled out the possibility of sorting things out but not a the moment and not without time apart. I have been resistant against a separation as i will not be able to show her how i'm changing and that she will not miss me and give me another chance. I'm not keen because the effect this could have on our boys. Thanks for reading. Sorry it was so long but I just needed somewhere to talk/type about whats going on without involving friends/family etc Ian Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I'm sorry you're going through this. Most of the techniques are really about you finding 'you' again rather than specifically to get your spouse back. Getting your spouse back is the bonus. I suggest that you look at your practical options - legal and financial. Get your ducks in a row while you continue with the counselling and self-care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IntoTheAbyss Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I agree with January, I know it's hard (just started my road to seperation > divorce 2 months ago) but you need to think about yourself. What you do doesn't have to be perfect, but taking small steps will help you day to day. If she hasn't ruled out the possibility of working on your marriage than that's a good thing but if she wants to seperate then maybe consider giving it to her. I fought it so much, I wish I would have done it earlier. You can't for her to love you or to care. From what I know of the 180 it's for helping you heal (the NC will help) while possibly giving your wife some things to think about once you start distancing yourself. You don't have to be rude to her, let her get mad if you don't want to share yourself with her. She's the one who wants time apart, that doesn't mean she gets a play by play of your life while things are going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 If your wife gives you the I love you but not in love with you speech and asks for space, you give it to her. Don't try to fight it. Whatever you do to fight it will push her further away. She will feel trapped and resent you more. Do 180, read it every day. It WILL have an effect. Don't think that your wife will not be thinking about you and notice that she is losing you, even if she is away. She was married for the same amount of time as you and she is also going through a hard time, even if she is the one asking to be separated. Give her what she wants and focus on yourself. Improve yourself and she will notice one way or another. At the end of this all, she might want you back or not, but you will be a better person regardless and you can see if YOU want her back. I hope this helps you - It is extremely hard - I am separated myself. You are not alone. Keep posting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
K Os Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 We have had a talk this morning and she is insistent that we have time apart (separation) by we cannot afford to have separate houses and i do not have anyone that i can stay with. She has not ruled out the possibility of sorting things out but not a the moment and not without time apart. I have been resistant against a separation as i will not be able to show her how i'm changing and that she will not miss me and give me another chance. I'm not keen because the effect this could have on our boys. Hi Ian. Your situation is very similar to mine, and I'm sorry to hear it. My own line (which I'm trying to follow through on, not with total success) is that since she is the one asking for separation, she should be the one to move out. Like you, we would struggle to afford separate houses anyway, but I am firm about not leaving. Splitting up is not my idea, so I'm not moving out of the family home and leaving my son with her. However, I do have family and friends that I can stay with, and for the sake of my own sanity and health I spend some time away from the 'crucible'. She has agreed in principle that she will move out, but she can't say when. It took me a long time (months) to get that agreement from her. She was adamant that I should go. Whether or not she will actually go is another matter. She probably thinks she can grind me down. The battle of wills certainly makes the home a difficult space to be in. This is a tough one to call, and you have to be guided by your own sense of what is right and just and best - particularly for your kids - but I would say don't give up on your principles. In my view, if there's to be any hope of a reconciliation with my wife, it has to be based on shared principles. If my wife's principles have evaporated, then getting back together is unlikely anyway. If I give up on what I believe is right, it doesn't matter where I'm living, I'll feel like crap. Late last year I slept in the car a lot. I was fine, because I was sticking to my guns. Teaching my son good, strong values is my job as his dad. Give that up to satisfy her whims, and what use am I? I don't think you're necessarily right about her not missing you if you do separate. You've been together 17 years, my wife and I together 16 years. You will both miss each other, that's guaranteed. And she may notice changes in you more after some time apart than if you change slowly before her eyes. In my situation, I'm hoping my wife will miss me and get curious about my life again by my staying away from her for a bit. But I'm not moving out. That's up to her. You don't have to be nasty about refusing to move out, if that's what you choose to do. Just be clear and calm about it. Leave the moving out decision to her. It is a very strained situation, though, I know. I'm in it too. My advice is to find space and time doing other things, away from the scene. Do some new things, meet some new people. Don't let the problem dominate your every waking moment. Hang in there. Most of all, focus on what's best for your boys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alfie1_2 Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 Thanks for the replies. This has given lots to think about Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 My best advice is to work on yourself, do things that make you happy, go to the gym get that pep back in your step. Once you get yourself back in order everything else will follow including your wife. #confidenceisthekey 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alfie1_2 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Share Posted May 10, 2012 Been nearly a month since everything happened. Still not any easier. We have agreed that we have to live together for financial reasons and to keep things as normal as possible for our boys. Have been failing miserably with 180 as I just can't disconnect emotionally enough to follow them properly. I just don't know what to do at the moment. I have got though the very dark times I had initially but still feel lost and empty. We have just had a family holiday which was booked before everything happened and that has not been easy being with her 24/7. Keep wanting to give her a hug or cuddle. Never sure what to say as I am constantly worried I'll say the wrong thing. Don't want to say something which may come across as being positive or negative. Arghhh Link to post Share on other sites
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