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just a simple man with a broken heart after discovering wife having an affair


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Hi, as you can see from my moniker i am distraught.

 

I am a man aged 38 years who has been married for over 16 years and i have two beautiful children aged 14 years.

 

I have been looking for advice, support or just someone who can help me through this, but to date it appears there is very little help for a man in my situation.

 

About three months ago i discovered that my wife was having an affair. i was and i am totally devastated. i always thought i was a very good husband and father and that i gave everything ( in 16 years i have never even been remotely interested in another woman ).

 

she tells me that she fell out of love with me before the affair started. when i ask her why she did not tell me this before she started the affair she just says she didn't have the courage to tell me and hurt my feelings.

 

i found out about the affair by her leaving a love letter she was writing to him in our bathroom other wise whilst i had suspicions that something was not right i think i would have been left in the dark for as long as they could get away with it.

 

so i turn to where i am today, it has been three months of pure hell, i have to live in the same house as her because whilst i have a good job i cannot afford to leave, without selling our house first, which we have now done. which means i spend most days seeing her and further i also will not leave my children.

 

we are currently in the process of separating into new homes and are capable now that the initial pain has eased a little ( on my side ) to sit and talk about the things we need to do.

 

i am trying to keep everything calm so that i don't put myself into a position where she takes me through the solicitor route and i have to cope with that on top of my grief.

 

what i am hoping for is that someone will have gone through this type of thing, whether a man or woman it does not really matter, who can give me some advice.

 

i am so lonely, i cry for no apparent reason, i am suffering the most distressing nightmares.

 

i am scared of moving into a new home without her ( despite what she has done to me ) as i know that i need the comfort of my whole family.

 

she has been dumped last week by her lover who has chosen to stay with his wife and family and now my wife is making noises about reconciliation and what those chances maybe. she tells me that she is sorry and she knows she has hurt me.

 

i know she is messing with my head and that she also knows that i desperately want my life back the way it was.

 

Should i try again knowing that she has no love for me?

 

Should i stick to my guns and separate and then suffer the pain of that?

 

i am fortunate that we have agreed that i will have my children with me every sunday, monday and tuesday with alternate saturday's. i am greatful to her for that because as you can probably surmise i am very close to my children and i need them as much as they need me.

 

my fear is not on those days/nights as i am very strong for them and we can have a good time but more the nights i will be alone.

 

i have no real friends as i devoted my time to my family. my family ( brothers ) are being very supportive but they are all in marriages so i cannot really call on them too much.

 

i just need someone to give me a clue on what to do when i am on my own, so i don't spend hours just beating myself up for not being good enough for her.

 

any advice or support would be very appreciated,

 

thanks for your time reading this.

 

Andy

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I was swinging from crying to anger for no apparent reason and was unable to work at my job.

I decided to go to a counselor. (not marriage, personal)

It seemed to help.

My wifes affair was an emotional one (as far as I know) but the pain was still there.

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Hi distraught,

You are not alone in the world....who is suffering from such pain. I am currently going through such traumatic peiod as well. My husband admitted he found new love and it's been 3 months ago. To make matter worse, I discovered the truth when I quit my job & flown over to join him in China. I have posted a thread earlier in this wesbite.

This place has been a great place for us to pour out our pains & sorrows.

Everyone will give you advices.

 

You must keep yourself really busy so that your mind will be wander off and start to recall all those sad stuff.

Take up sports..for myself, I have been chatting with icq people to keep myself busy.

You must really hang on there.....the hurtful period will be over sooner or later.

For me, I ever wonder when will the nightmare be over........

 

It' been 3 months for me and I am still losing my grip now and then. In fact, just now, I cried when I thought of it again. Really hang on........

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Very tru, to keep yourself busy.

I have been working out like a zealot. Working out also helps your self esteem when you notice a result from your effort.

I also became a workaholic. actually, I was anyway, but became moreso.

 

I am trying to curb the workaholic (what is workahol anyway?) thing lately though, because I am still married and we are trying to fix it, so I need to spend more time at home.

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Thanks for the replies.

 

I guess that in this world at this time we all tend to think that we are the only ones going through this but finding this site has been a real eye opener.

 

I too cried this morning, just simply because I feel so scared. i also keep trying to workout what it is that i have done so wrong. but I get no help or answers.

 

I want to move on and I agree with you this is just a nightmare, no matter where i look or what i do but it just never goes away.

 

I started a diary when this all started and i find the only time i can really feel like i am making progress is when i write what i have been feeling each day down. it hurts and i weep most of the time but when it is down i feel like i can move on to the next day.

 

At least I have my children to keep me sane.

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I have been looking for advice, support or just someone who can help me through this, but to date it appears there is very little help for a man in my situation.

 

Youve taken a step in the right direction by coming here, :)

 

she tells me that she fell out of love with me before the affair started. when i ask her why she did not tell me this before she started the affair she just says she didn't have the courage to tell me and hurt my feelings.

 

Not alone there. That was my husband's answer. Even though we might not like the "how's" and "why's"...they are, what they are.......

 

i am so lonely, i cry for no apparent reason, i am suffering the most distressing nightmares.

 

i am scared of moving into a new home without her ( despite what she has done to me ) as i know that i need the comfort of my whole family.

 

Where is Arabess' signature when you need it? Basically saying we would rather stay right where we are in life and love because it's easier than facing the fear of the unknown......

 

Should i try again knowing that she has no love for me?

 

To be married for that long....there is love there. Granted, it may not be the same, or as strong, but even if you and your wife divorce, have faith that she will still love you, even if it is not a romantic love.......

 

Should i stick to my guns and separate and then suffer the pain of that?

 

Ahhhh, this is the hard part. Do you truly want to "stick to your guns"? Do you want to seperate? Dig deep. Think long and hard (Im sure you have been)....Compare marriage to a rollercoaster and keep this in mind. Ups, downs, twists and turns.......that is marriage, even the happiest married couple could tell you that.....you are at a point where you are deciding if you are ready to hang on for another ride.....or get off now, while you still can. As you already know, that rollercoaster can drop to rock bottom quicker than you can blink........staying on, for at least one more ride means you have to be prepared to make the climb back up.....it's never fast, your heart starts beating like crazy, you feel anxious, scared, excited at what might be around the next bend.........

 

Sorry enough roller coaster talk LOL

 

i just need someone to give me a clue on what to do when i am on my own, so i don't spend hours just beating myself up for not being good enough for her.

 

You absolutely HAVE to get out of that mind set. What she did has nothing to do with you not being good enough for her. There may have been problems/issues that you could have dealt with better, in hopes of preventing this, but you did not hold a gun to her head and make her have an affair. It's called free-will. She made that choice, not you. You dont own her mistakes. She does.

 

I hope that things begin to look up for you. Keep talking about it, posting about it. Get it out of your system. See a counselor if that is an option for you. Read books to help you cope. Do something, anything for yourself!! Try as hard as you can to focus on YOU and YOUR happiness.

 

Hang in there..........time works wonders. I promise.

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I do try to keep busy but there are times when it just hits you like a ton of bricks.

 

And i have also taken up training, the rersults in the last two months have been amazing. i have lost 3.5Stone ( don't know what that is in kilo's) and now i have a stomach for the first time in my life.

 

the heartbreaker is that I have no-one to share that with.

 

Life really is cruel sometimes

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Yeap.....no doubts.....sometimes, I will just keep quiet and sit at one corner.

It's time for us to embark on new stuffs which we have been putting off to do so previously.

Your training has earned you some healthy item and that's good news. For me, I have been treating myself well to shopping and dolling up.

The problem with us is we have put in too much efforts during our married lives and forgotten to pamper ourselves. It's time we do something for ourselves.

One thing good for you is you can spend valuable times with ur kids. Do more of that......will keep urself happy....

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HurtinginVA

 

Thanks for that, it is appreciated.

 

I think us separating has got to be for the good at the moment. I dont know if it will become permanent because i just cannot focus enough to make too many rational decisions each day.

 

I mean it was only last Wednesday that she was asking her lover to choose between her and his wife. That just screams out to me that she has no love left for me.

 

How can I try to patch things up when there is no love there for me to latch onto.

 

Does it mean i need to spend some time apart from her to wait whilst she gets this other man out of her system and then try to start again. yu know the courting stuff to see if she can fall in love with me again.

 

Or should i just get on with trying to fall out of love with her and get on with my life, as will woman says i have my children which is a god send to me. i just don't know as the thought of being alone is too frightening.

 

what also hurts is that because she is now without him she is trying to make things right with me and that makes me feel like i am just the guy who is available to make her feel ok and safe in her life again.

 

the hardest part is that she knows i love her so much and that she can use that, now that she no longer has her first choice

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Or, she could have fallen into some boneheaded crush and she may now realize what a mistake that was.

Go read <URL removed>

Ask her to read it too and whether she is willing to work on recapturing the love with you. If she is, you might want to give it a try.

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My sympathy for the pain and anguish and mental torture you are going through. Do NOT blame yourself - as Hurting said, this was your WIFE'S choice. Yes, it's great to review your own actions calmly and see what you will choose to change. But don't turn this into more punishment for you.

 

And do not rush to believe your wife when she says she does not love you. That could easily be as big a lie as her cover stories for the affair were. Truly. Yes, she was asking her lover for a commitment only a week ago. That must smart like anything. But again, that does not prove love. If anything, she was testing his feelings and hers...and they turned out not to be the true ones.

 

I agree with the suggestions of counseling and http://www.marriagebuilders.com. I believe you may have a very good marriage that both of you can rebuild - together - out of the wreckage of the old.

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Originally posted by distraught

she has been dumped last week by her lover who has chosen to stay with his wife and family and now my wife is making noises about reconciliation and what those chances maybe. she tells me that she is sorry and she knows she has hurt me.

 

i know she is messing with my head and that she also knows that i desperately want my life back the way it was.

 

Should i try again knowing that she has no love for me?

 

Should i stick to my guns and separate and then suffer the pain of that?

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what also hurts is that because she is now without him she is trying to make things right with me and that makes me feel like i am just the guy who is available to make her feel ok and safe in her life again.

 

the hardest part is that she knows i love her so much and that she can use that, now that she no longer has her first choice

 

 

Stick to your guns. Concentrate on the people who actually love you, your children not a cheating wife.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi just felt an affinity with you as I too have been married 16yrs 38, 3 children 18(first marriage )16 and 12 and live in the uk my husband left after 16years saying he needed to get his head together after 2 nervous breakdowns after his failed business I felt like I didnt know him anymore ,anyway on the first night of our separation he slept with someone else he had been seeing. I feel that I have been in a vacuum after the last two years but there are glimmers of the real me. Iam financially independent (was always a bit of a sore point) not well off but coping.

 

 

But I too feel that I have failed him what did he really need that I couldn't give. There was violence in that last 6 months and the erratic behaviour of somone with a mental health issue. He spends one conversation saying he does't love me and another sending me valentine gifts that he cant afford and having to offer me less money for the kids because hes overspent.

 

 

I look at his photo and want him back but the old him not the new and horrible version the one who was my friend soulmate and future for 16years. He tells family friends he is coming back but im not so convinced.

 

 

There is some good advice on this site but you have prompted me to talk take care hang in there and after such a long time together an affair may have been a way of coping rather than the end we all need to learn to listen to each other rather than wondering what went wrong and laying blame.

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Hi just felt an affinity with you as I too have been married 16yrs 38, 3 children 18(first marriage )16 and 12 and live in the uk my husband left after 16years saying he needed to get his head together after 2 nervous breakdowns after his failed business I felt like I didnt know him anymore ,anyway on the first night of our separation he slept with someone else he had been seeing. I feel that I have been in a vacuum after the last two years but there are glimmers of the real me. Iam financially independent (was always a bit of a sore point) not well off but coping.

 

 

But I too feel that I have failed him what did he really need that I couldn't give. There was violence in that last 6 months and the erratic behaviour of somone with a mental health issue. He spends one conversation saying he does't love me and another sending me valentine gifts that he cant afford and having to offer me less money for the kids because hes overspent.

 

 

I look at his photo and want him back but the old him not the new and horrible version the one who was my friend soulmate and future for 16years. He tells family friends he is coming back but im not so convinced.

 

 

There is some good advice on this site but you have prompted me to talk take care hang in there and after such a long time together an affair may have been a way of coping rather than the end we all need to learn to listen to each other rather than wondering what went wrong and laying blame.

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For all in this thread, who are dealing with finding out that your spouse was/is having an affair, my heart goes out to you all. You have received some great advice and support here, keep coming back.

 

I only wish that those who come here to post (some rather arrogantly and some even going so far as to say that they see nothing wrong with putting their needs before their spouse's) about being the "other woman" or "other man" or the married spouse who's quite tickled with being in an affair...I wish they could take 2 minutes to read about the devastation that infidelity does to the innocent spouses and families as a whole.

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Forget it, Befuddled. When you're out to justify your own selfish behaviour, you're not interested in facing up to the consequences which you have created. You prefer to sweep it under the carpet and ignore it because it's so much more comfortable to pretend that you're not guilty of anything and that what you've done is perfectly understandable and reasonable.

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Yep, I'm sure you're right, Moimeme. *This* thread is living proof of why I have absolutely NO respect or understanding for those who partake in affairs....because this thread is living proof of the aftermath. Nobody deserves to be in this kind of pain. Those responsible should be held accountable and never allowed to forget the hurt they've caused.

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