jump into a new relationship-why not?

[Lucid1]

I had a thought today for you all to ponder. Since my divorce, everyone keeps telling me, "don't jump back into anything", meaning I shouldn't fall in love again right away. Well, I decided that is a bunch of bullpucky for a couple of reasons. First, I spent 13 years single and dated dozens looking for the perfect woman, and when I found my now-ex I thought I'd done just that. She was my soul-mate, my everything. Well, look how that turned out. So obviously taking your time is not a fool-proof method. Neither is thinking anyone is going to be the perfect woman. Both of those theories are flawed.

Second, falling in love is fun. It's so ingrained by evolution, so driven by irresistible hormones, you might as well try to ignore gravity. So why not do it right away? I'm not talking about getting married right away, that involves legal and moral issues that do require serious thought and commitment, or about moving in together. But what the heck? Why NOT fall head over heels if I meet someone who does that for me?

What, she's going to hurt me more than my wife of 13 years did? I don't think so. So why not?

[Philosoraptor]

You need time to heal in order to be fair to your new interest. It is unfair to jump into something still harboring feelings of an ex as you are bound to project things about your past relationship onto the new one. Only move to start a new relationship if you can truly go into it with no comparisons to the ex and give them a fair chance by looking at them with no bias.

 

It also will hurt you a ton when you start making comparisons, but I'm sure you would find that out soon enough.

[reboot]

I had a thought today for you all to ponder. Since my divorce, everyone keeps telling me, "don't jump back into anything", meaning I shouldn't fall in love again right away. Well, I decided that is a bunch of bullpucky for a couple of reasons. First, I spent 13 years single and dated dozens looking for the perfect woman, and when I found my now-ex I thought I'd done just that. She was my soul-mate, my everything. Well, look how that turned out. So obviously taking your time is not a fool-proof method. Neither is thinking anyone is going to be the perfect woman. Both of those theories are flawed.

Second, falling in love is fun. It's so ingrained by evolution, so driven by irresistible hormones, you might as well try to ignore gravity. So why not do it right away? I'm not talking about getting married right away, that involves legal and moral issues that do require serious thought and commitment, or about moving in together. But what the heck? Why NOT fall head over heels if I meet someone who does that for me?

What, she's going to hurt me more than my wife of 13 years did? I don't think so. So why not?

 

If it was only about you, you would have a great point.

[thatone]

most of the single women he'll meet have few thoughts in their head except themselves so he'll be a great match. have a blast, imo.

[maybealone]

I think there are few reasons on why someone should wait, or at least be cautious. First, sometimes we want those feelings so much after losing them that we project things onto the new person. That person might not be as right for us as we think they are when our judgment is clouded.

 

Second, it's good to have some time to process why the marriage failed so that we don't make the same mistakes in a new relationship. Time also gives us a chance to be sure of who we are and what we want in life before we try to find someone to share that with.

 

And lastly, like reboot pointed out, it isn't all about whether or not you could be hurt. It's also about whether or not you are being fair to the other person.

 

That said, if I was divorced and wanted another relationship, I can't imagine meeting a great person but passing on an opportunity to get to know them because of some generally accepted idea that I needed more time. After all, they might not be available down the road. But I would be open and honest, and take things very, very slowly.

[2.50 a gallon]

About a month after d-day I got back into the dating game by having a revenge affair with one of the associate OM's wife.

 

Three months after seprating from my Ex, a super hot co-worker pulled the plug on her five year marriage and we hooked up for several nights of passion.

 

And she was immediately smitten. I too felt that we had much more in common, than I had had with my Ex. Naturally I was leery of getting in to deep too soon. It had all the making of a classic rebound relationship. And alas I listened to the council of my friends, that it was too soon and she was only looking for a soft fall and rudely broke it off with her.

 

I was new to the area, and did not know that most of the female population was made up of plastic women, gold diggers and the rest weird beyond belief. Over the next dozen years I had a great sex life, but almost zero love life.

 

It was about a year later when I found out that she still had not hooked up with anyone special, was still dating the field that I began to realize that I might have made a serious mistake.

 

I finally moved out of the area and back to my home town, partly to reunite with my family, and partly to run away from long term on again off again relationship.

 

And I the back of my mind knew that if I was going to find someone special it would be back in my home town. Sure enough, about 3 months after returning home I did meet some one I could kiss good morning for the rest of my life.

 

But she was taken and was in a long term relationship with her live in boyfriend. Two years later, the two of them separated while he went off to get clean from his drug habit, with the plan that they would reunite six or more months in the future, once he was clean.

 

Two months later I was her first date. She was still in love with him but at the same time was very angry with him that he would let her and their combined families down.

 

Again it was a classic rebound relationship.

 

They say love is a choice. I had no choice in the matter after our first kiss, for the first time in 15 years I was in love. And against the better judgement of my well intended friends to break it off, I persisted.

 

We have now been together for over 16 years. She is the love of my life

 

One of my regrets in life is that I never had any kids. And looking back I now realize that perhaps I very likely threw away that chance when I broke it off with my co-worker 30 years ago.

 

One never knows when that someone special will enter your life. It might be tomorrow, of as in my case 15 years later.

 

It is your life, listen to the council of your friends, but also to the feelings in your heart.

[chuzzbug]

If you can be honest, frank and emotionally open with your new partner, regardless of how quickly you jump jump into a new relationship, then go ahead. Be respectful, kind and compassionate and have a good time.

 

On the other hand, the reason why people say to take your time - and only you will know how much time that is, usually right after jumping in too soon - is that *on average* most people find the openness, honest and emotional transparency difficult.

 

For example, consider the common situation of having sex with your new partner and simultaneously thinking about your ex. Perhaps even thinking about how your ex was better, or different. How would those thoughts make you feel? How would you like your new partner to be having them? Has enough time passed?

 

The idea of being 'over your past' encompasses a lot of things. Although we can never truly leave out past behind, the difference between still feeling your past and only remembering it is significant.

 

Falling in love is fun, but we're all adults here - or at least we should be. Go ahead and fall, but don't be dragging people down with you. Fall *up* in love, not *down*.

[Lucid1]

Ah, I love you guys. You are keeping my head on straight. Much good advice, thank you. Especially to be careful of not being so self-centered that I hurt someone else. Heck, I still feel guilty about breaking up with girlfriends from years ago. The last thing I'll do is suck someone in to a relationship just so I can have the fun of falling in love.

But this whole thing is a gamble, a risk to your and your new SO's emotions. There is no gaurantee, no promise of success. Any time you flirt that first time you go out on a limb, run the risk of hurt feelings on both sides.

I've already been crushed to broken shards by my divorce. It can't ever be that bad again. The first-time divorced women I'm meeting tell me the same thing. We've been through the fire. If we fall in love too soon now we know what the burn is going to feel like. Does that make taking the risk easier? It seems like it should. That's partly what I'm saying.

 

But this is also what I was getting at:

 

"I can't imagine meeting a great person but passing on an opportunity to get to know them because of some generally accepted idea that I needed more time."

 

Perfectly said.

 

Of course, all that being said, the chances I'll actually meet anyone I can fall in love with are astronomical. But it's fun to think about.

[Steadfast]

most of the single women he'll meet have few thoughts in their head except themselves so he'll be a great match. have a blast, imo.

 

This would be even more hilarious if it wasn't so true.

 

Most of the rationalizations you listed (translation: "The hell with it!") directly point to why the divorce rate soars in second and third marriages. Any more than that, and you're either a sadist or a professional.

 

Does it really matter what anyone types, suggest or advises on an internet forum? Jayus Crips Himself could hammer out a clock-stopping emotional essay and people would ignore it. Good advise followed by "I know, but..."

 

Dude, you know the right and wrong way to go about this. Everyone does, deep down inside. Don't use silly justifications to support neediness.

[updown]

about 7 mo into my separation i thought i wanted to "date." instead what i found was that i had no interest in dating, but wanted to meet new people. i wanted to find people that were in similar situations and know that i wasn't alone and hadn't really LOST myself in my marriage.

 

so, i met new people. nothing physical just doing fun activities or dinner, etc. i met people that i learned were NOT good people for me to be friends with. people that would have been horrible for me to try and date! other people were good people, fun people.

 

i have been single for almost 3 years now. i took me 2.5 yrs to get to the point where i KNEW i was ready to date. i KNEW i had all the healing i needed to. i had worked on myself and got rid of the old stuff that was weighing me down. i started up with old hobbies again, and found new ones. i spent 2.5 yrs doing whatever i wanted to do and didn't care what any body thought of it. and i had SO MUCH FUN!!!! i wasn't alone or lonely. i still have friends and met new people.

 

then one day, i was just ready!!! like a lightbulb turning on. i started dating a couple months ago. and i think had i NOT dealt with all my crap, alone, i'd have issues now. any new relationship is a challenge, and new, and different. bringing the old stuff with you, just makes it that much worse!!

[wrencn]

I say go ahead and jump into something but with the wrong person. I started seeing someone a month after my ex moved out. I hadn't planned on it, just happened. He was a complete tool, but the sex was great and the drama he created helped keep my mind off my ex and the other woman playing the lovely family with my kids. My rebound eventually fizzled out after about 11 months...after the fog cleared and my wounds had healed. It was like I woke up one day and realized he was a loser, but I'm thankful I had the distraction. Around 12 months of separation I realized I wanted to be alone to work on myself and I'm happy alone... so there is no set schedule on how to do this. Just don't marry or move in with anyone else!!!

[jaymz]

I started a relationship with a women aprox 5 months into my seperation. It lasted less than 3 weeks and really didnt go well. It was very obvious that I was not ready for a relationship and too selfish. So instead of having a new friend and maybe a potential future partner, I burned a very nice woman.

 

Maybe I will try the wrong person and see how I get on there.