My Wife doesn't know what she wants anymore

[DC2011]

Hello, I'm 42 and my wife is 36. We have two kids ages 8 and 5. We been married for 8 years and together to 10. I stated a business back in 2003 that turn into a success. My wife quit her job of 7 years and started working with me. We have been working together for the last 5 years. We get along great. Our kids have a live in nanny that watches them during the day.

 

Three weeks ago my wife told me that she wants to seperate. Saying she is not in love with me anymore. I was shock as I didn't know anything was wrong. She told me that over the last two years we become roommates. She said I work too much and we never go out anymore. I understand what she was saying and ask her to stay. She had plans to get her own place to sleep. She would still come home in the morning to brings the kids to school and then go to work, then hang out with kids at night till they go to bed then she would go back to her place for the night. I told her that there is no way she and I can work together if she leaves. She looked puzzled and ask why. I just told her I can't do it.

 

The next few days we hell. She became very cold and started sleeping with the kids. Everytime I try to be nice she would resent me more. I understand she needed space so I let her hang out with her friends. On Monday she went to her friends place and promise the kids she would be home in the morning but instead drank till 5 am and slept in so I took the kids to school. Our kids are small so they don't know what is really going on yet. That same week she decides to take the weekend of to go to a motorcycle race in Idiho. She was going with two 19 year kids that race for us. I didn't want her to go but do let her do it. During that weekend she was gone I had a good friend call me and told me that there are rumors going around that my wife is dating one of my friends. I blew it of as a rumor until Sunday I was driving my kids home from my parents and we drove by my friends shop and my kids told me that he's been there before and had pizza and had lots of fun there. I ask who was there and he said just me, my sister, mommy and my friend. I was floored. I then ask how many times you seen my friend and he said three other times. The details are just hanging out. Well now I suspect something is going one. When my wife got home on Sunday, she told me that she went to Idiho with the two 19 year old and my friend. I blew up at her and confronted her about what people are saying and our kids saying. She swear that nothing is going on and they are just friends. He recently went through a devorce and she likes talking with him for his insight. I was piss because of the sneeking around. She said she didn't tell me because she thought I might get mad. Instead I find out from my friends and kids. That evening I was ready to call it quits and told her I wanted her out. She said "no". I was blown away. I cooled of and the next day I was going to get her to leave but suddenly something hit me and I decided I can't do this and still love her. Instead of asking her to leave I told her I forgive her. I then told her I am sorry for the last two years and know what I put her through and promised to get myself out of the shop earlier. She started crying and since this day she has change a bit. She is no longer cold to me and when I think things are going great she turns sad. I ask her has her feeling change about me and she said no. I then tell her that I understand but am not going anywhere. Tonight we curved pumkins with the kids. She was really happy tonight and we had a really good time. At dinner she was having a burger and she went from happy to sad in one second. I don't know what to do anymore. She is showing signs that she still loves me but when ask she says no. I'm not sure how long I can hang on. I was thinking of letting her go to see if she would come back but a few friends told me that they very rarely do and I can't take that chance. What should I do next?

 

Thanks for any thoughts

[robf1971]

Hello, I'm 42 and my wife is 36. We have two kids ages 8 and 5. We been married for 8 years and together to 10. I stated a business back in 2003 that turn into a success. My wife quit her job of 7 years and started working with me. We have been working together for the last 5 years. We get along great. Our kids have a live in nanny that watches them during the day.

 

Three weeks ago my wife told me that she wants to seperate. Saying she is not in love with me anymore. I was shock as I didn't know anything was wrong. She told me that over the last two years we become roommates. She said I work too much and we never go out anymore. I understand what she was saying and ask her to stay. She had plans to get her own place to sleep. She would still come home in the morning to brings the kids to school and then go to work, then hang out with kids at night till they go to bed then she would go back to her place for the night. I told her that there is no way she and I can work together if she leaves. She looked puzzled and ask why. I just told her I can't do it.

 

The next few days we hell. She became very cold and started sleeping with the kids. Everytime I try to be nice she would resent me more. I understand she needed space so I let her hang out with her friends. On Monday she went to her friends place and promise the kids she would be home in the morning but instead drank till 5 am and slept in so I took the kids to school. Our kids are small so they don't know what is really going on yet. That same week she decides to take the weekend of to go to a motorcycle race in Idiho. She was going with two 19 year kids that race for us. I didn't want her to go but do let her do it. During that weekend she was gone I had a good friend call me and told me that there are rumors going around that my wife is dating one of my friends. I blew it of as a rumor until Sunday I was driving my kids home from my parents and we drove by my friends shop and my kids told me that he's been there before and had pizza and had lots of fun there. I ask who was there and he said just me, my sister, mommy and my friend. I was floored. I then ask how many times you seen my friend and he said three other times. The details are just hanging out. Well now I suspect something is going one. When my wife got home on Sunday, she told me that she went to Idiho with the two 19 year old and my friend. I blew up at her and confronted her about what people are saying and our kids saying. She swear that nothing is going on and they are just friends. He recently went through a devorce and she likes talking with him for his insight. I was piss because of the sneeking around. She said she didn't tell me because she thought I might get mad. Instead I find out from my friends and kids. That evening I was ready to call it quits and told her I wanted her out. She said "no". I was blown away. I cooled of and the next day I was going to get her to leave but suddenly something hit me and I decided I can't do this and still love her. Instead of asking her to leave I told her I forgive her. I then told her I am sorry for the last two years and know what I put her through and promised to get myself out of the shop earlier. She started crying and since this day she has change a bit. She is no longer cold to me and when I think things are going great she turns sad. I ask her has her feeling change about me and she said no. I then tell her that I understand but am not going anywhere. Tonight we curved pumkins with the kids. She was really happy tonight and we had a really good time. At dinner she was having a burger and she went from happy to sad in one second. I don't know what to do anymore. She is showing signs that she still loves me but when ask she says no. I'm not sure how long I can hang on. I was thinking of letting her go to see if she would come back but a few friends told me that they very rarely do and I can't take that chance. What should I do next?

 

Thanks for any thoughts

 

She is having an affair, you know it. The only way for you to "win her back" if that's what you really want is to stop being her safe backup option.

 

Nothing short of a nuclear explosion will pull your wife and OM apart, and she is lying through her teeth about just being friends with him. The reason she's doing this is because she doesn't want to see her nice comfortable life go up in flames. For a woman to be in an affair means she has had a complete loss of respect for you and you are doing nothing to get it back.

 

Here's what you need to do ,

 

1, keylog her computer, check mobile/cell bills, GPS track her car get proof she's cheating and find out who with. Once you find out I suggest sitting on it for a few days. What you need to do is best done with as little emotion as possible.

 

2, Your words to wife...

 

Wife I know all about (insert OM's name) Then stop,

 

She's gonna freak out, deny, tell you she's just friends, or they just kissed etc, It's all lies, but let her have her say (be calm)

 

Then you say,

 

Don't treat me like I'm stupid (do not tell her how you found out) I know what happened and will no longer live in an open marriage and be disrespected under my own roof in front of my own kids, so

 

You need to agree to no contact with OM, agree to total transparency and marriage counselling what's it to be?

 

She will probably just start blaming you for everything, and if she shows no remorse or doesn't agree, just walk away and pack her stuff in boxes when she's out.

 

Lawyer up, find out your rights. when she comes home and sees you've packed her bags (you do not leave the house), tell her

 

" I get it now, I want you to be with OM, I'll even help you move in with him, I've filed for divorce, you'll be served in a few days. I've also filed for 50/50 custody of the kids and my lawyer thinks I will get it, so we will be civil co parents in the future but no more"

 

When she's gone ignore any communication from her, unless it's regarding the kids. Believe me she will try to test your resolve!! Your next step is to tell OM's wife, blow the whole affair to pieces....

 

Are you man enough to do this? It's your best chance

[robf1971]

Ohh for goodness sake get yourself a voice activated recorde and carry it at all times. Things will get rocky, cheating wives (and husbands)are quite capable of making false accusations.

[PegNosePete]

Totally agree with robf. Do just as he says and it is your best chance dude. You might think it is totally crazy to say those things but I can guarantee 100% that she has had a physical affair with this guy and it is still going on. Why do you think she wanted to separate and get a place of her own? So she could be alone with him without you looking over her shoulder.

 

It will be very hard to do those things as robf said, you will need balls of steel dude but that is the best way forward. Believe me we have seen it 1000 times on this forum. She has textbook cheater written all over her. It's like they use the same script book or something. I could have told you that just from your second paragraph, in fact i was all ready to reply saying she is having an affair before even getting to the long bit.

Edited October 28, 2011 by PegNosePete

[robf1971]

you will need balls of steel dude but that is the best way forward. .

 

Actually, look at it this way, all your doing is taking a page from your wife's playbook. She's got the confidence to do what she wants, manipulate you, laugh behind your back at you with OM, totally disrespect you. She probably wants you to stand up to her, she probably can't believe that you aren't

 

You have amazing powers, with a little self discipline, you can stop being a doormat. I bet if OM dumped your wife, she'd be chasing after him all over the place. You ever dumped a woman before? Do that to your wife, file for divorce (you can always stop it if things change).

 

You have the power to destroy this affair by the simple act of finding out who this OM is and exposing it to his wife/gf. Why didn't you do this yesterday? Are you scared of how your wife will react? I wouldn't hesitate one microsecond to do it.

 

You are getting advice on this forum worth 100 marriage counselling sessions, I suggest you use it.

[2011aug]

I agree with robf1971 post above. Do what he wrote.

 

Your wife is still in the affair. She's learning to hide it better now.

 

Unless you want an open marriage, your current way of thinking will not work out well.

 

Eventually, you'll have to decide if you really want to have to babysit your wife for the next 30 or so years. You'll have to decide whether you can ever live with someone who can cheat and lie to you and is unfaithful.

 

Know that if you do reconcile, the scar and hurt will always be with you.

[DC2011]

Thanks for all the replys. I know the OM. He's one of my friends. I've come to the conclusion that even if they aren't having sex they are doing wrong with the lies. Plus the rumors I hear, it is the OM that told people that they are going out.

 

I told her tonight I want her out of my house and my shop. She said it's not possible because we have kids together. I said she can move in with her friend for a month while she finds her own place. During the day I'll go to work and she can stay home and update the website of the shop. After work when I get home she can leave. She is willing to give this a try.

 

I still want her back but at this time I'm not holding my breathe. Thanks again for all the replys

[robf1971]

Thanks for all the replys. I know the OM. He's one of my friends. I've come to the conclusion that even if they aren't having sex they are doing wrong with the lies. Plus the rumors I hear, it is the OM that told people that they are going out.

 

I told her tonight I want her out of my house and my shop. She said it's not possible because we have kids together. I said she can move in with her friend for a month while she finds her own place. During the day I'll go to work and she can stay home and update the website of the shop. After work when I get home she can leave. She is willing to give this a try.

 

I still want her back but at this time I'm not holding my breathe. Thanks again for all the replys

 

I'm going to bow out of this one, all advice is falling on deaf ears. Good luck, I hope it all works out

[DC2011]

Thanks for bowing out. When you spend 24/7 with a person. live and work together you kinda know when they are having an affair. I can tell you if she is having an affair it is on the phone only when I'm in the washroom.

 

The only time she been away from me "trip to ID" and two nights at her girlfriends house is the only time she and I have not been together in the last 2 years. The other times it's with our kids for there after school activity (Maybe 1 hour tops). Before you jump to the worst case you should read my story. I can tell you she has no time away from me to be cheating.

 

I think she just fell out of love and need her space. I'm giving her that space now. If she cheats on my now then so be it and it's over. If she doesn't and comes back then I'm happy.

 

Sorry for coming of rude but I feel you jump to worst case way to soon.

[findingnemo]

DC2011,

 

This is a very sad story. I am almost 100% sure that your W is cheating and that it is physical. She went to Idaho for a weekend after all. Her mental state (happy one minute and sad the next) is a result of feeling trapped. She believes she is in love with your friend but he's M and is not willing to leave. She basically can't leave you to be with him and therefore chooses to stay M for the other benefits (the kids, financial, etc). Whatever the feelings she has, they were strong enough for her to want a separation. Give her one. NOW.

 

Please do not attempt to over-think things. Have a goal and work towards it. To save your M, you have to show her that what she did (is doing) is unacceptable. She must be made to lose everything for her to be able to think clearly about what she wants. So follow the advice you have been given. This set up of her working in the home and seeing the kids is not going to work. She will slowly but steadily push you to forget what happened. Since OM is a friend of yours, their A will continue.

 

Throw her out of the home and out of the shop. Let her spend the extra time thinking about her life. Talk to OM and ask him the question point blank. He won't admit it but his body language will tell you all you need to know. Thereafter tell OMW what has happened. This way OM will spend most of his time dealing with his W and not "comforting" yours. Also tell her family and yours about it.

 

While she's out, check her cell records, email accounts and do more research on her activities. All the while, refuse to communicate with her except about the kids. No discussion about personal stuff. The day she tells you she wants to talk, agree to meet. There is only one thing you want to know. The truth. What happened? How often? When did it start? Once you have all this information, then you can decide whether or not you want to reconcile. Bear in mind that you may take as long as you want to think about it. In the meantime, she'll be out in the cold.

 

By doing all this, you'll be fighting for your M. You'll ensure that there are no more lies and will break up the A. There is a risk that shell decide to leave you. It is not a big risk on your part. Where will she go? OM is M. But if she decides to leave, then so be it. You don't want an open M, do you?

[DC2011]

Thanks for the insight. I'm stuck because she is legally half owner of our business. I can ask her to leave but she doesn't have to, that's why I suggested she work from home. At least that would get her away from me for at least 9 hours. Regarding the ID trip she went with two 19 year out kids and the OM. They all stayed in the same hotel room. Both kids told me that nothing happen. They got a third bed in the room. I'm not saying she can't have a physical affair but it's very unlikely. When I say we spend 24/7 together we really do. I know where she is at all times. If she is doing it, it is during the kids after school activity and in front of my kids.

 

If we didn't have kids and the business together this would be so much easier. I'm damn if I do and damn if I don't on this one.

[findingnemo]

Thanks for the insight. I'm stuck because she is legally half owner of our business. I can ask her to leave but she doesn't have to, that's why I suggested she work from home. At least that would get her away from me for at least 9 hours. Regarding the ID trip she went with two 19 year out kids and the OM. They all stayed in the same hotel room. Both kids told me that nothing happen. They got a third bed in the room. I'm not saying she can't have a physical affair but it's very unlikely. When I say we spend 24/7 together we really do. I know where she is at all times. If she is doing it, it is during the kids after school activity and in front of my kids.

 

If we didn't have kids and the business together this would be so much easier. I'm damn if I do and damn if I don't on this one.

 

The kids are a permanent bond, unfortunately. This has to be dealt with by visitation after determining who'll have physical custody. For now, you should. She wanted a separation and is in love with someone else. This is why it is important to do more research about her activities.

 

Spending most of the day together is no guarantee against cheating. She knows your schedule. She knows what to say she will be doing and you won't suspect otherwise. You need to figure out as best you can whether or not she sneaked off to be with this guy under certain pretexts. For example, going to buy new stock for the shop which may take an afternoon. Going to meet the accountants and balance the books. Since I don't know what you deal in ( do not divulge that here please), I can't imagine what kind of work-related activites she'd use.

 

About owning half the business. This is hard of course and you shouldn't go into splitting it before you have made the decision to D. Am I correct to assume that you each play separate roles? How effective is it for her to work from your home? She can work from her own place and get a strict visitation schedule. The goal is to separate her from family life as much as possible.

[Steadfast]

Before I type my take on your issues and give advice, I ask that you read it carefully...and reconsider the advice/input others are giving you as well. Remember; you came here asking. Don't shoot the messenger.

 

Most of us have been where you are. The knowledge is hard earned. You aren't the first and won't be the last to read and reject. Understand that the stories seen here all have a similar theme. The patterns are similar.

 

When my ex disengaged from the marriage, her actions eventually took not one, but two businesses down, plus the ability to care for my elderly parents. My dad died shortly after. In time, the house and everything inside of it went too, but part of that was because my (full-time) teens graduated and I wanted to leave. Still, factor in all the shattered lives plus the financial/emotional devastation, and you can clearly see how that part of my life was by far the hardest I had ever experienced...hopefully, ever.

 

That said, do you think I'm qualified to comment on your situation?

 

Physical, sexual cheating is a manifestation that something that begins between the ears. The real issue is her checking out. When a woman reaches the point where she says her feelings have changed, believe it. 99.9% of the time, they will not return. The key to the small percentage that have made it? Quick, decisive action. Instantly stop the status quo.

 

In my opinion, I would encourage you to not make the mistake of allowing anything; house, job or possession, stand in the way of you taking the necessary action of dealing with your marriage. By always considering 'those things' first, you're proving your inability to break free of problems and placing the marriage (good or bad) in a lower priority. At that point, your fear is stronger that your ability to deal with it.

 

Love and marriage does not exist out of obligation. Don't expect her to see it like that because she's putting her heart before all of it. It may seem reckless, but you're best chance of survival is to do the same. Don't live under a cloud of doubt, sadness and worry because of 'things'. Break free.

[2.50 a gallon]

She had sex with him just before you got the I am not in love with you anymore, that is when it turned physical.

 

Roomates? And she never gave a hint that you had problems, not likely!

 

It is called blame shifting, she screwed the OM and is now blaming you.

 

The reason she wants to move out is that it will be easier to continue the affair away from you prying eyes and ears

 

The OM is not your friend, he is your enemy, destroy him. Do not threaten him directly, but let him know hell is coming. It might not be tomorrow, but for the rest of his life, he will have to look over his shoulder, because some day when he least expects it, even years from now, you will be there. Do you follow?

 

Divorce is war! Take the advice of purchasing a VAR and keep it in your pocket at all times. It is to cover your a$$.

 

Start a journal, keep track of everything, including what she says, when she picks up the kids, when you come home, etc.

 

One of the ploys a cheating wife will play to start a argument and then call the police and claim that you abused her. Off you go to jail, and while there you are served with a temporary restraining order, you can no longer come in the house, you can no longer see the kids, and possibly, you might not even be able to show up at your business. In the meantime she moves in the OM.

 

I repeat this is war

[Frank13]

Thanks for bowing out. When you spend 24/7 with a person. live and work together you kinda know when they are having an affair. I can tell you if she is having an affair it is on the phone only when I'm in the washroom.

 

The only time she been away from me "trip to ID" and two nights at her girlfriends house is the only time she and I have not been together in the last 2 years. The other times it's with our kids for there after school activity (Maybe 1 hour tops). Before you jump to the worst case you should read my story. I can tell you she has no time away from me to be cheating.

 

Then why did you write this?

 

I was driving my kids home from my parents and we drove by my friends shop and my kids told me that he's been there before and had pizza and had lots of fun there. I ask who was there and he said just me, my sister, mommy and my friend. I was floored. I then ask how many times you seen my friend and he said three other times.

 

[andyg99]

OP - first thing you need to do is quit living in denial and accept the fact that she has had sex and is probably still having sex with another man... next step is to listen to the good advice you have already been given in this thread... who cares about your business - get your life back and start another one on your own... many of us here have lost EVERYTHING we had once (homes, businesses, savings) and have bounced back nicely WITHOUT our ex's!