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Hell or Hell


ArtificialInsanity

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ArtificialInsanity

My husband and I have been together for nearly 17 years. We married young. I had a 2yo. He has 2 older children. Now all the children are gone, married, in college... so on. Over the past 5 years he has become jealous. He says that he does not trust me. We have been to individual therapy, we have been to marital counseling. The changes made have never really bee permanent by either of us. He does not allow for me to have any close friends. I cannot be on the internet around him. He will not pay the bills on time (all in my name from when I was self sufficient) He wont allow me to handle issues that need to be taken care of such as disrepair of the home, and will not handle the issues on his own. There was a time when I took inventory as well of all of the things that I could improve about myself. My temper, communication issues.. I have actually worked hard on those for a while in regard to my personal and professional life. Now I am in school full time and working full time, and helping my daughter get through school as well. What I haven't told you here, is that although I have completely and in every sense of the word faithful to my husband. I have not loved him for many years. I have pretended to love him. I have been faking it and hoping, and praying it takes hold. It has not, and now I feel so guilty that I cannot stand to be around him or I cry from the intense guilt and hopelessness I feel. I feel like a complete monster. I know I could blame so many things on what caused this feeling(s) I should have to fade away. But there are so many. One is when he pushed my daughter. One is when he decided that he didn't want me to have his child (it was more inaction than a formal decision) I guess the last straws were 2 events close together. 1. he flat out said he didnt trust me, and it didnt matter if I was faithful, he still would not. He said some things to me during intimacy that I feel brought shame into my bedroom. It was actually at that point that it dawned on me that it didnt matter because really this wasnt lovemaking, it was sex at its most basest form, and so of course there is no respect there. We discussed this last night and discussed living arrangements during seperation and eventual divorce. I am so depressed I am skipping finals and dont care, taking hours at work and dont care... because even after the hours of discussion that we had last nigh that seemed to lead to an agreement of amiable divorce for both of our well being and health, he asked me today why I was so upset, and asked "So you really are leaving me"... Ok I had one of those horror movie moments like ok I am crazy then... Did that really happen? So now when I re-iterate the issues at hand. I am guessing that there will not be any good will, or amiable discussion... I will just have to end it some other way because I am to sad and discouraged by how I feel and by my inability to be a worthwhile human being that takes her vows seriously that I know I will be in Hell regardless. I may as well just speed the process than to live it here and after.... Im done

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Wow, you are way too hard on yourself! I believe that people fall out of love and give yourself credit. You did not have an affair, you did not turn to someone else to make yourself feel better and you are ending the marriage before you do either of those things. He sounds controlling and also has some other issues and listen, even if you could not pinpoint one or two things, you are leaving the marriage having tried to save it and you could not. I would rather have had my H come to me with that, than to find someone else. I would be sad, but at least respect that he was honest.

 

You will not always be in hell unless you stay in a loveless marriage. If you feel that you have tried and you do not have love for this man, you should not stay married. He can be free to find someone else if he wants and you can, too, if you want to. Either way, you will have some peace in your life.

 

BTW, my H asks me every day if I am still leaving. My answer is always the same...yes. He wants the answer to be different...that is why he is asking. Albert Einstein said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". I think that explains it best, at least in my H's case :confused: or wishful thinking.

 

Do not be so hard on yourself. Go see a counselor. Do not blow off your finals....why harm yourself because of this situation?

 

Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself. Read some other stories and see...you'll find what you are contemplating is kinder and more honest than what many people go through with their spouses who cheat and lie.

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