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Moral Dilemma


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Okay my wife and I “had” been together for almost 16 years. They were not all pretty. We got married very young. Our marriage has been on shaky ground for the last couple of years. I just haven’t had the guts to leave. She didn’t work and although I took care of the bills and the house I didn’t treat her good on an emotional level. Partly because I felt she gave up on the family when she got laid off cuz she couldn’t get to work on time (more to that story). Well turns out she reconnected with someone from her past on facebook and ended up having an affair(while I’m working crazy hours during the day). She has since moved out and got her own place. The kids stay with me and spend the night at her place when they desire.

Here is the thing…

I have a pretty good job at the moment. I’m just under six figures. The guy she had the affair with is a blue collar worker who is currently unemployed and looking for work where and when he can. He lives with his sister. My wife was sending him job postings trying to help him with his job search. He is grossly overweight and unattractive to me but I’m a dude what do I know? Since she doesn’t work she is about to start getting disability. I’m contributing $1000.00 a month because she didn’t have enough income to qualify for an apartment on just disability (Around $1000.00 a month also).

I contribute because my kids love their mother. They don’t know the full extent of why we’re splitting. They want to spend time with her which I don’t mind. When they visit her I want them to be in the safest, nicest environment possible given the situation. Plus if I was paying child support for two kids I’d probably be paying way more than $1000.00. We have verbally agreed on a legal separation because she needs my health insurance coverage. But given the fact that she committed adultery I’m not entitled to pay her alimony in a divorce. I’m not sure if her leaving the kids here to basically free her time up to live with another man would give me the upper hand or not in court. Talked to an attorney and he said I had the upper hand in this situation but that was before she moved out.

My dilemma is contributing the $1000.00 knowing that this guy is going to be there whenever my kids aren’t. I drop them off at school in the morning and she picks them up in the evening. She cooks dinner for them and I pick them up after work. Friend of mine says my setup is excellent because I got the house and the kids basically with no real fight so far. But giving away $1000.00 a month to her to feed the kids every day and let them spend the night some weeknights and two weekends out of the month (we swap) eats away at me. I want to file divorce and go for full custody of the kids but that would leave her in a bad spot if I won. She would have high medical costs and she may not be able to afford to live where she is now because of that. (What kind of living conditions would the kids see her in? Would they blame me?) It could also leave me in a bad spot if I lost custody battle.

Willing to negotiate less than $1000.00 but I’m bitter. Thinking $600 instead and go forward with legal separation. Or should I just go for the jugular?

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Hi IzUrLoveReal,

 

Mate I cant see why ud' wanna give her any more than u have to. Whether your well off or not, giving her more than u need to will only pay for her new existance with him.

 

Just out of curiosity, how young is young? I married and had kids young too, and i am on this site, nuff said.

 

The only time she gets is dinner time.... Mate u are lucky as brother. I get weekends only with my kids, due to work, her and OM enjoy my kids as a family during the week, u have a good thing going man. Others on here are in far less than desirable circumstances also, as unavoidable as they are, we march on and make the best of it.

 

I think the 600 option is more than enough, but the jugular sounds nice too..haha. Sorry. Not nice, ur call i guess.

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You have to consider the bigger picture.

If you deprive her of the $400, are you doing it out of resentment against her, or him?

And who suffers, the kids?

 

Maybe you could give her $600, but open up an account for the kids, to which you are adult signatory, and deposit the extra $400 in there, for them. That way, you give her an agreed sum, but you're not flinching on your commitment to your children....?

 

I dunno....

 

Just a thought.

 

:)

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Thanks BrettLost and TaraMaiden for your responses. Both were food for thought. A buddy of mine has been through two divorces and echoed the same that I had a wonderful setup considering the situation. Since she moved out and I get to see my kids everyday pretty much. So I'm not lost on that at all and very thankful.

 

Reducing the support amount of $1000 was definitely out of resentment since I didn't want to contribute indirectly to her relationship with an unemployed man that has 7 kids by 5 different women (Geesh...what a keeper!!). But the kids are and should be the main focus. We will probably adjust it to $800 and I'm planning on using that to contribute to my daughter's college fund.

 

What I can't understand though is why this is affecting me so much on a mental and emotional level when we were both unhappy when we were married.

 

And when I say we married young, we met each other when I was 19 and she was 18. We got married after two years together off and on. We'd be together for a while. Then I'd break up with her because I'd lost interest. Then come crawling back after a month or two. That cycle repeated at least 3-4 times (warning sign we both ignored?). Then when she got pregnant. I locked it down cuz I wanted the best for my daughter.

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What I can't understand though is why this is affecting me so much on a mental and emotional level when we were both unhappy when we were married.

 

And when I say we married young, we met each other when I was 19 and she was 18. We got married after two years together off and on. We'd be together for a while. Then I'd break up with her because I'd lost interest. Then come crawling back after a month or two. That cycle repeated at least 3-4 times (warning sign we both ignored?). Then when she got pregnant. I locked it down cuz I wanted the best for my daughter.

 

Things can hit us in surprising ways.

 

Sometimes it's hard to let go of something we had our heart and soul into because we had a vision of what our future was going to be like. Letting go of that means we need to make a new future which can be scary and unsettling. You know that you did the right thing in your heart but your head may follow at a slower pace or vise versa.

You seem to be a good person and doing well. Good for you.

I assure you, as your old vision of the future fades and you continue making progress in your 'new' future, you will be able to let go more and more.

Take care :)

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