What about him??

[Loss4words]

Gosh, why does he have to be so great! He really is a good man, but I can't explain it, I am just not happy. I know that I love him, but not sure what "In love" means anymore.

 

I have been with him for 6 years, been common law marriage (according to state) for 4. We have 1 child almost 2 years old.

 

Since my child was born I have been having some identity issues. I spoke to him about it several times, this time I explained that I needed time to be alone to figure this out, maybe finish my degree and get some self-confidence. He said that he understood, but that he would be heartbroken that he would loose everything, as I would be taking our daughter with me. I told him that he could keep the house, furniture and everything that we accumulated together, but he says that it means nothing without us.

 

I feel terrible about this, but I am miserable and have been for more than 2 years. I hate the fact that we have lost touch with each other, we share nothing in common, and do nothing together, and we are 2 strangers sharing a house and a child. I honestly have not felt close to him in a very long time. Although he denies it, I think that he is angry with me for getting pregnant. Me telling him that we were having a child was the turning point in our relationship. I know that children change everything, but it shouldn’t have changed like this if we had a healthy relationship to begin with.

 

I hate my job, my geographic location (no family within 1500 miles), my busy schedule and worst of all because of how unhappy I am I feel as if I am not a good mother to my child. He is aware of all of my feelings, as I have expressed them on several occasions. More occasions that I can remember. I am so tired of discussing it. Nothing changes.

 

I told him that I needed space to figure this thing out, quit my job, stay with family until I get this figured out but he wants to wait for me, but how fair is that? What if I decide to be alone? I am so worried about him that I am afraid that I will stay even though I am miserable. Is this normal?

 

I told him I would wait things out until the end of the year, but I am going crazy. I catch myself snapping at him for no reason, he has done nothing wrong! Every little thing is starting to get on my nerves. Regardless of what happens with us, I want us to raise our child as friends, not fighting and bickering. This whole thing is scary.

 

At this point I am so tired of talking, that I am ready to just leave and be done with it. But what about him!

[SoleMate]

Dear Loss -

 

The problems you describe sound painful and distressing, but they also sound quite solvable. Any qualified marriage and family counselor would be able to help you to rebuild your connections and your happiness. The arrival of a child, however adorable, is always a stress on a marriage. You may be experiencing depression as well, which can cause the snappiness, feelings of hopelessness and "nothing ever changes". These problems can be TREATED, and very effectively, with anti-depressants and counseling.

 

I know that children change everything, but it shouldn’t have changed like this if we had a healthy relationship to begin with.

 

NOT TRUE! A counselor will explain to you that even the BEST relationship will be stressed by a child.

 

Since my child was born I have been having some identity issues...I explained that I needed time to be alone to figure this out, maybe finish my degree and get some self-confidence. He said that he understood, but that he would be heartbroken that he would lose everything, as I would be taking our daughter with me. I told him that he could keep the house, furniture and everything that we accumulated together, but he says that it means nothing without us.

 

Please don't walk away from this wonderful, loving man, who is father to your daughter without giving counseling and meds a try. You will likely be amazed at how your mood can get straightened out. Then you and your man, with a counselor's help, can work on improving your work, where you live, and relations with family. The problems you describe can be worked on and improved, and having your devoted common-law husband at your side will HELP. He is your natural support and ally, and your daughter's natural protector and caregiver...please let him be there for you!

[Loss4words]

Thank you so much for your insight. I have been watching the postings for about a month now, and it seems to help to talk to strangers who have zero bias. It really has made me feel better to actually write down what I am feeling, and not be judged.

 

I have every intension of getting counseling (without the Rx). I know that the problem is with me and not him. But I really think that I need to get counseling alone, before putting him through anymore than I already have.

 

I am very serious about the counseling. But I do know that I can't stay geographically where I am. I need to finish my college education (not possible here) which was put on hold, and with both of our work schedules it is simply impossible (and my job is a must with the bills that I have), but I will always feel miserable until I get that piece of paper! That's just who I am.

 

I have discussed my situation with a very close friend who is outside the situation and they keep telling me "you are an idiot feeling this way, your education can wait, most women would give anything to have what you have, but you can do what you want YOU AREN'T "MARRIED" (by the church) so you shouldn't keep sweating it the way you do."

 

I am almost 30, how much longer should my education and mental well being wait? And one other little thing: HELLO, WE HAVE A CHILD (who absolutely adores her father)!!!!!

 

I am sure that I will get it worked out one way or another, even if it does mean a temporary split to take care of my personal issues. My family is very supportive, they don't really understand what is going on with me (but are not being judgmental that I can see), but they adore him, as well as his family.

 

I guess I will just ride it out to see what happens.