i asked for a divorce and she come back!

[openmind]

This is my first post about my situation and after reading lots of advice from other posters with similer problems im ready to talk.

 

we have been together 10 years and married for 7.5

 

it was early april i found some texts on my wifes phone, they said " i have just landed" and " hope you can come with me sometime" the second said something about "cant wait to see you in two weeks" and "will send you more sexytexts while im away"

 

it was clear to me she had been seeing someone!

 

after confronting her she told me it was a guy who give his phone number to her and she had been out for a drink only once with him for an hour but nothing happened, cant say i believed her..

 

we were actualy on holiday ourselves when i read the texts and i found it very hard to believe that he the OM would be on holiday at the same time as us by coincidence, it felt to me like it had been arranged that way!

 

she said the texts were just for fun and she never intended to cheat on me and would never, and she would now end contact with him.

 

anyway 3 weeks later we returned from holiday (which turned out to be the worst time ever as all i did was think about this OM and what i was going to do to him when i returned)

 

the day we got home i went out straight away and hooked up with a few friends simply to get away from her for a while..

she called me constantly as she suspected i was out looking to find the OM with the intention of causing him some harm.

i was not and felt this would be a waist of time anyway..

 

when i returned home she was waiting crying and told me she was dreading this day because she was scared i would throw her out of the house.

she went on to explain and promise that she told the truth and nothing had ever happened with this OM and it was just fun to send texts to each other, i also insisted she call him to let him know she would not be contacting him again and that her husband knew and if he pursued her he would be in danger. (dont really want to say anymore on what i intended to do to him at the time , mostly mental thoughts due to the anger) she told me she had contacted him already while i was out and called it off! (which she later admitted to be a lie)

 

after talking for some time i give her the sour truth that if she is lying or i find out she has text him again or meats him i will be gone and she would have to move out..she agrees and crys for days constantly saying sorry and she had been stupid..pleading with me to forgive her and get things back to normal.

 

ok so 2 months pass and im not entirely convinced she has been honest but did tell her she would have to earn her trust again.. i went to see her in her work place which i do almost everyday as she works for a friend of mine so i can come and go as i please.

 

i notice she was not wearing her wedding ring and asked her where it was.. i get some crap about it was hurting her finger due to having wet hands a lot of the time in work.. i pushed her a bit more all the time her eyes started to fill up saying i dont know anymore!

 

i ask dont know what? she replies i dont know!

 

so at this point i know something is wrong and i ask her to come for a drive. she does and we chat for a while..

 

during this talk she basically tells me she does not feel the same for me as she used to and it only felt like we are friends rather than a married couple

but she never admitted OM was in the picture even after i asked her a number of times!

she said she wanted to move into her friends for a while, while she evaluates how she really feels.

i agree and tell her i would drop her off when she was ready..

 

she come home from work that evening we talked and she said she was glad i would not be stopping her from leaving on this short term break. and went straight to bed.

 

next morning i drove her to work and talked a bit more, after another emotional talk i got it out of her she had seen this OM on two more occations for drinks and she thinks she has feeling for him, and that she never told him it was off on the day we returned from our holiday and she also goes on to say that her feelings for me have gone, and she feels nothing anymore, and just wants to be friends...

 

i quickly told her that as this OM was in the equasion it changes everything and its not just a case of (cold feet, 7 year inch, depression or whatever you want to call it) and that i expect her to move out today.

 

she said she wants to go to her friends and see how she feels because she really does not know what to do.. i asked if she intended to see this OM while she was deciding and she said yes! ( ******* unbelievable)

i said thats fine to go to your friends but unless the OM is told that you dont want to see him again then she might as well just move in with him as i would not be waiting around for her to decide between him and me! and she would be receiving divorce papers within a couple of weeks and i would like her to sign them without dispute.

 

i went on to explain that it would not be possible for her to evaluate how she feels for me when the OM was able to influence her and she would no doubt be turning to him for support and advice! ( we can all imagine what his advice would be)

 

she returned home that evening and we talked again, i do recognise my faults and the fact that i have not taken much notice of her for a while now, this combined with the fact that i have never really been very romantic or open with my emotions to her, i do tell her i love her a lot and i am very affectionate, all good in the bedroom area as well, ( well was for me anyway) but im not romantic in the traditional sense where i dont often make her feel special other than on birthdays or anniversaries. she is also somewhat clammy with her emotions and never talks about how she feels, this is the main reason why it was a bit of a shock to me that she had cheated as i honestly thought our relationship was rock solid and no one could come between us, we never argue or fight , in fact we have only ever had 2-3 aguments in 10 years and these were very trivial about money or the housework! in retrespect i think that it might have been better if we had argued more this way our feelings would be more in the open than they are.

 

we discussed all of the above parragraph and she said she was pleased that i recognized my faults and that i had pushed her away for a long time in regards to a lack of interest, she started to look for interest from other places and found it in this OM, although she admitted this was wrong she does feel that i dont love her and that is why she no longer feels anything for me!

 

after many hours of talking i told her again that if she did not love me then i accept it was over and she should make a move to another house or to her friends, so we were both in agreement what we were going to do and that she wanted to have space to decide if she loved me or not. i reminded her not to bother if she was planning to see the OM again as this was not going to help clear her thoughts and that i would not take her back if she was to decide between us rather than getting away to think about us as a couple.

 

the next day i asked her when she was leaving as i needed to make arrangements around the house and for our 11 year old son, (my stepson) who was going to stay with me as i have brought him up since he was 1 year old and our relationship is very strong, he starts high school in a couple of months and we agreed that it was in his best interest to stay in the family home and with me, she said that she would go today and wanted to see me everyday with our son and stay freindly, i agreed and told her she could come and go from the house as she pleased and i dont have a problem with that!but she is not to stay over night even if i was not there.

 

i also told her i was going to visit a cousin of mine in the south about 4 hours drive away and would be taking our son to my mothers for the evening.. she said she would be staying in her freinds as of today , i took her to work and left for my cousins,, we got very pissed had a good laugh and i told him everthing other than the bits about the OM..

as the evening progressed i got about 8 phone calls from her a few to see how i was feeling , another couple to asked if i was staying a few days or just one, then later a call because she had decided to go home but had left her keys in my car and could i come back , i explained i was 4 hours away and drunk so it would not be possible, so she stayed in her freinds as planned before.

 

about 3am she called again saying now she does not know what to do now, i told her that she should go to bed and we would talk tomorrow.

 

the next day we did talk in person and after another few hours of opening up to each other about what we are not happy about (mostly about what caused her to go astray) she agreed that the OM would be told to stay away and that she wanted to seperate with me only to evaluate our relationship, after abit more talk and her telling me that she was pleased that i did understand her needs she said that she would come back right now if i agreed to be more attentive and show more attraction to her, which is what she has been missing for about a year.

 

i was very happy to hear this as it seemed to be a way to save our marriage and i do love her very much even if i dont always show it.

she stayed and we had amazing night together, and she said she was happy to give it a chance for us before she ended it permanentley as i had shown a side she had never seen and yearned for.

 

from the day she told me she didnt have any feeling for me all this happend in just 3 days , i have tried to get her to come to marriage counselling with me but she refuses, she is a very shy person and that might be stopping her.. i also suggested she might want to see her doctor alone for some advice as it is apparent she does not know what she wants and/or how to deal with a situation like this..

 

 

i suppose the main thing i am trying to learn is could this be a cry for help/attention or a form of depression or even hormones?

 

we have been trying for a baby for a long time and went for some tests 2 years ago and we need ivf due to a problem with her tubes, we have not been able to pay for it as well as do all the other things that we tend to do every year, and it seemed to go on the backburner without us really discussing it very much..

 

this come up during our talks and its clear to me that it was a very emotional subject for her and she could not control the tears when we talked about it..

 

i feel this is one of the deciding factors in this problem and she admitted that she believes i do not want to have baby, which is not the case and i told her i want nothing more than to have baby with her but it could only be if we knew we going to stay together.

 

i think she is honest as far as how she feels , i dont think i know the full story about the OM , and i may get another shock in a few days/weeks although it wont be a shock more of a slap in the face as i wont be tryin to hold onto her if she does want to leave again for the OM!

 

i didnt asked her to come back or beg her not to go or any of that, in fact she seemed to do a complete reverse while i was away for the evening at my cousins, another problem now is she has reminded me that this is a trail period to see if we can put the flame back into the relationship and what would i do if she decided she really does not love me!

 

i feel she might be trying to soften the blow or even stop me from divorcing her quicky in case she decides in a few months that she does not love this OM and wants to come back, or that he might not turn out to be the person she thinks he is

 

having your cake and eating it wont wash with me and i told her i would rather lose her forever than share her for even a day.

that also makes me think the quick return could be a ploy to put herself in a better possition for a move at a later date..

 

hell this OM might of even reacted in a negative way when she told him she was leaving me!

 

i simply dont know? but im sure im going to find out these coming weeks!

 

so there it is, all cards on the table so to speak, i would love to know what you all think and what advice you can offer in respect of her actions and possiblities of why people do such things...

[RockinZ28]

run...run now! you're leaving it in her hands to see if she wants to cheat on you or not? you crazy man?!? don't even give her the option, do her a favor..set up a nice dinner reservation for the two of them so they can chat and have drinks..pack her **** up..take to curb..file divorce

[2.50 a gallon]

Ditto, Run, do not look back. Do not have kids with her

 

Get the facts on the OM, work mate, is he married.

 

Both or you taking your vacation at the same time

 

GPS her car and the next time they meet you catch them

 

Get a Voice activated recorder to record you converstations with her and journal them

 

Sorry, but I feel that she is playing you

 

It is simple, you love me or you don't

 

If you love me He has to go

 

As for the scum OM, let him know that hell is coming, he just don't know when and how

[whichwayisup]

Stop bending over and being so nice about this. You are helping her, talking to her, driving her to places...STOP doing that. If she wants to figure stuff out, let her do it on her own. She wants to see what life is like without you in it, only speak to her when it concerns your son. (Btw, is he with you, or with her?) Just make it CLEAR to her that your son is to be NO WHERE around the OM and if you find out he has been, the sh.it will hit the fan.

 

She can't have it both ways, so for your own sanity, focus on you and your son. Your wife is in a fog and still lying to you..She only reacts when she is emotional and in desparation mode. She refuses counselling and she really hasn't shown you she is willing to change and become a trustworthy and loving partner.

 

Stand up to her, don't be so soft.. As much as it may hurt you inside, do NOT cry or show any emotion around her..Be a cool cat.

[FreeNow]

Openmind, you're being played! End it before you don't know which way is up.

 

She behaves like love is something that happens to her; completely beyond her control and without her making choices.

 

What you've described fits the same old pattern. Wife cheats -> discovered -> damage control -> ILYBNILWY, "this is why I cheated!" -> gaslight the husband. Even the talk of having a child is in the mix. It reads like a script.

 

Run.

[openmind]

Stop bending over and being so nice about this. You are helping her, talking to her, driving her to places...STOP doing that. If she wants to figure stuff out, let her do it on her own. She wants to see what life is like without you in it, only speak to her when it concerns your son. (Btw, is he with you, or with her?) Just make it CLEAR to her that your son is to be NO WHERE around the OM and if you find out he has been, the sh.it will hit the fan.

 

She can't have it both ways, so for your own sanity, focus on you and your son. Your wife is in a fog and still lying to you..She only reacts when she is emotional and in desparation mode. She refuses counselling and she really hasn't shown you she is willing to change and become a trustworthy and loving partner.

 

Stand up to her, don't be so soft.. As much as it may hurt you inside, do NOT cry or show any emotion around her..Be a cool cat.

 

 

our son is with me, i wont let her take him even though she has tried!

if the OM went within a mile of my son i would cut his balls off!

 

this could also be a reason why she seems to change her mind every five minutes because she wants our boy to go with her but she knows its not going to happen!

 

to be honest im not really in a state about all this iv had bad experiences in the past and im able to detach myself from the situation somewhat, im without doubt gutted but im not showing it to her, only close friends and family,and im really just trying to keep her sweet until i know for sure whats happening as its easier where our son is concerned.

[openmind]

Stop bending over and being so nice about this. You are helping her, talking to her, driving her to places...STOP doing that. If she wants to figure stuff out, let her do it on her own. She wants to see what life is like without you in it, only speak to her when it concerns your son. (Btw, is he with you, or with her?) Just make it CLEAR to her that your son is to be NO WHERE around the OM and if you find out he has been, the sh.it will hit the fan.

 

She can't have it both ways, so for your own sanity, focus on you and your son. Your wife is in a fog and still lying to you..She only reacts when she is emotional and in desparation mode. She refuses counselling and she really hasn't shown you she is willing to change and become a trustworthy and loving partner.

 

Stand up to her, don't be so soft.. As much as it may hurt you inside, do NOT cry or show any emotion around her..Be a cool cat.

 

 

our son is with me, i wont let her take him even though she has tried!

if the OM went within a mile of my son i would cut his balls off!

 

this could also be a reason why she seems to change her mind every five minutes because she wants our boy to go with her but she knows its not going to happen!

 

to be honest im not really in a state about all this iv had bad experiences in the past and im able to detach myself from the situation somewhat, im without doubt gutted but im not showing it to her, only close friends and family,and im really just trying to keep her sweet until i know for sure whats happening as its easier where our son is concerned.

[Goldenspoon]

First, what do you know about this OM?

 

You need to get a STD/HIV test right now!!!

 

Have you exposed her affair to people she cares about. Affair survives on secretcy. People she care about, including her parents, employer, friends, cousins, etc, HAVE to know! Expose, expose, expose. Whether your marriage works out or not, exposure is the BEST thing you can do to her affair.

[Steadfast]

our son is with me, i wont let her take him even though she has tried! if the OM went within a mile of my son i would cut his balls off!

 

While I understand the hot and cold running emotions, the truth is you can't keep him away from anyone. If she wants to introduce him to her OM, she will and there isn't anything you can do about it. Maybe she already has. How about the boy's biological father? What does he have to say? Physical action or revenge on your part will only damage you and add to your problems. Ask yourself if either of them are worth it.

 

Besides, the OM didn't cause this, your wife did. There's a world full of men out there and she let this one into your life. So while I agree he's a POS for playing a part, you need to recognize who the real problem is.

 

im really just trying to keep her sweet until i know for sure whats happening as its easier where our son is concerned.

 

Here's the hard, cold facts openmind. Your wife is cheating and she's in deep. Read and understand: when a woman says she doesn't feel the same way AND admits feelings for someone else, it is over. That is no going back territory. It's too late now, but you should have packed your things and left after reading the text messages on her phone. No reason to run around gathering evidence for something you already know exists.

 

Now, it's well past that but you're still hanging on...delaying your decision with the excuse of 'finding out for sure'. Stop fooling yourself. The real reason you haven't left is because you're afraid. You're afraid if you leave she'll take up with the OM full time. You're afraid if you leave you'll lose any chance to change her mind and save your marriage.

 

Your gut, your instincts are telling you to stay. Your instincts are wrong.

 

Read and understand: the best chance of saving your relationship is to let her go and let her live the life she's created. No input from you. Once you are away and can digest all of the information, you may not want her back. See an attorney, submit a visitation schedule for your son and file for divorce. Start working on you and rebuilding your life. She only wants to keep you around as a back up plan and for other areas of support. Does that sound like the kind of life you want? Does that sound like the kind of man any women -her included- would desire?

 

Move out. File for divorce. Let her go because she's already gone.

[openmind]

Openmind, you're being played! End it before you don't know which way is up.

 

She behaves like love is something that happens to her; completely beyond her control and without her making choices.

 

What you've described fits the same old pattern. Wife cheats -> discovered -> damage control -> ILYBNILWY, "this is why I cheated!" -> gaslight the husband. Even the talk of having a child is in the mix. It reads like a script.

 

Run.

 

 

i agree she has followed a typical pattern in the way you explained it.

i guess im kidding myself if i think she wouold not do it again in the future!

 

once a cheater always a cheater i recon!

 

the only thing to deal with is our son, as he is my stepson, as soon a she figures it out that she could legally have the police or other authority take him from me then she might do so!

 

we are both legal gardians but he is not adotped by me which might cause problems??

 

although might i be entitled to fight for custody due to her affair??

[openmind]

While I understand the hot and cold running emotions, the truth is you can't keep him away from anyone. If she wants to introduce him to her OM, she will and there isn't anything you can do about it. Maybe she already has. How about the boy's biological father? What does he have to say? Physical action or revenge on your part will only damage you and add to your problems. Ask yourself if either of them are worth it.

 

Besides, the OM didn't cause this, your wife did. There's a world full of men out there and she let this one into your life. So while I agree he's a POS for playing a part, you need to recognize who the real problem is.

 

 

 

Here's the hard, cold facts openmind. Your wife is cheating and she's in deep. Read and understand: when a woman says she doesn't feel the same way AND admits feelings for someone else, it is over. That is no going back territory. It's too late now, but you should have packed your things and left after reading the text messages on her phone. No reason to run around gathering evidence for something you already know exists.

 

Now, it's well past that but you're still hanging on...delaying your decision with the excuse of 'finding out for sure'. Stop fooling yourself. The real reason you haven't left is because you're afraid. You're afraid if you leave she'll take up with the OM full time. You're afraid if you leave you'll lose any chance to change her mind and save your marriage.

 

Your gut, your instincts are telling you to stay. Your instincts are wrong.

 

Read and understand: the best chance of saving your relationship is to let her go and let her live the life she's created. No input from you. Once you are away and can digest all of the information, you may not want her back. See an attorney, submit a visitation schedule for your son and file for divorce. Start working on you and rebuilding your life. She only wants to keep you around as a back up plan and for other areas of support. Does that sound like the kind of life you want? Does that sound like the kind of man any women -her included- would desire?

 

Move out. File for divorce. Let her go because she's already gone.

 

his father is not around, never has been, he is in a foreign prison.

 

should i tell her to leave then, even though she has said she wants to work on the marriage? i know she still could be lying

 

would it be better in the long term to have seperation , temp or permanent , rather than to continue without a seperation?

 

no way im leaving my house, everythings in mine or the business name , im not willing to hand anything over to her , she must be the one to leave if one of us is!

[Lexygirl]

If she is still living in your marital home, I feel like that's a good sign that she wants to work on things but the work is only beginning. She needs to know that. In my relationship, my husband thinks that everything will magically just become amazing once I move back in the house but the truth is, there was a reason for the downfall of the marriage and that means things have to be addressed and nurtured and worked on.

 

It seems like you two have a decent foundation there and it seems like you have begun to really communicate.... keep that up ! It's so important.

Also, does she seem remorseful for her affair? If so, that is a wonderful sign.

 

In answer to your question about whether or not you should kick her out.. I vote for no...

Distance does help to allow you both to have time to think BUT it really causes more disconnect when not physically together... Been there, done that and well I'm actually moving back this week myself.

 

Having said all of that, I would suggest you keep a very close eye on her regarding the OM.... I would suggest you demand her to be an open book now.... cell phones, computer passwords, etc. and sad as it is... I agree with some of the other posters regarding tracking devices, etc. YOU deserve to know the whole truth and well hopefully she will give it to you with your ongoing communication but just to be sure for now... you should track her. You have every right to know for sure that she isn't with OM !

 

BTW, in reading your posts, I feel like you have handled this situation amazingly !! Good luck.

[Steadfast]

I know you love her, but I'd tell her where she can shove her 'trial period'. What that really does is exonerate her behavior and puts the emphasis on you; are you going to make me happy? Are you going to do what it takes to keep me from seeing other men? Are you going to make me love you?

 

That's a lose-lose. Love doesn't work that way. It won't work. Period.

 

I'll tell you what I tell everyone who has a cheating spouse that they'd like to reconcile with. Until she says "I'm sorry. I was wrong and I'll willing to do whatever it takes for our marriage to be successful" then show her the door. See a lawyer, draw up a visitation schedule and file for divorce.

 

None of us are perfect in marriage openmind. The reality is everyone takes their spouse for granted at times, and the business of making a living and taking care of our possessions often comes at the expense of romance. You probably can and should do better, but the blame for what has happened is all being shifted to you. Screw that. It's like a signature I see here on LS: "Do or don't do. There is no try" Joda from Star Wars.

 

All of this needs to get very real, starting now. Don't roll over. Demand happiness and fairness. To get it, you must first give it. That's marriage.

[Tech_E]

She has cheated. She has lied. She is still lying! She has trickletruthed you and is NOT telling you the full story.

 

First and foremost if she wants out of the marriage, then SHE LEAVES!!!!!!!!!! PERIOD!!!!!

 

My advice, get a lawyer and KNOW your rights.

 

If she truely wants to save the marriage (by the way I do not see evidence of this from your posts), she has to:

 

1. Agree to 100% transparency with you. You have all access to ALL cell phones, email, GPS tracker in her car if you decide etc. NO EXCEPTIONS.

 

2. Tell the truth about the OM, including ALL aspects of the relationship.

 

3. Go to MC.

 

4. 100000000000% (or even higher) no contact with OM, AND she breaks it off with him in your presence.

 

That is only the beginning, is she willing to agree to these terms? I think not personally.

[openmind]

If she is still living in your marital home, I feel like that's a good sign that she wants to work on things but the work is only beginning. She needs to know that. In my relationship, my husband thinks that everything will magically just become amazing once I move back in the house but the truth is, there was a reason for the downfall of the marriage and that means things have to be addressed and nurtured and worked on.

 

It seems like you two have a decent foundation there and it seems like you have begun to really communicate.... keep that up ! It's so important.

Also, does she seem remorseful for her affair? If so, that is a wonderful sign.

 

In answer to your question about whether or not you should kick her out.. I vote for no...

Distance does help to allow you both to have time to think BUT it really causes more disconnect when not physically together... Been there, done that and well I'm actually moving back this week myself.

 

Having said all of that, I would suggest you keep a very close eye on her regarding the OM.... I would suggest you demand her to be an open book now.... cell phones, computer passwords, etc. and sad as it is... I agree with some of the other posters regarding tracking devices, etc. YOU deserve to know the whole truth and well hopefully she will give it to you with your ongoing communication but just to be sure for now... you should track her. You have every right to know for sure that she isn't with OM !

 

BTW, in reading your posts, I feel like you have handled this situation amazingly !! Good luck.

 

Thanks Lexygirl for the vote of confidence! at least one person feels im handling it the correct way.

and congrats on moving back in, proof people can work it out!

 

how simliler to my situation was yours??

 

she does seem sorry and once we got to the point that she wanted to come back she did apologize for seeing the OM but she is adamant that she did not sleep with him, and the times they did see each other was in winebars or cafe's during the day for periods of 30 mins to 1 hour, i find this hard to believe, she says i know everything about the OM and there is no more to tell!

 

i will be asking her again and being honest that i dont believe she has told me everything.

[Binster]

Try a keylogger on her computor and spyware on her phone. At least that way you'll know what really is going off.

Sorry mate.

[blueskyahead]

If she is still living in your marital home, I feel like that's a good sign that she wants to work on things but the work is only beginning. She needs to know that. In my relationship, my husband thinks that everything will magically just become amazing once I move back in the house but the truth is, there was a reason for the downfall of the marriage and that means things have to be addressed and nurtured and worked on.

 

It seems like you two have a decent foundation there and it seems like you have begun to really communicate.... keep that up ! It's so important.

Also, does she seem remorseful for her affair? If so, that is a wonderful sign.

 

In answer to your question about whether or not you should kick her out.. I vote for no...

Distance does help to allow you both to have time to think BUT it really causes more disconnect when not physically together... Been there, done that and well I'm actually moving back this week myself.

 

Having said all of that, I would suggest you keep a very close eye on her regarding the OM.... I would suggest you demand her to be an open book now.... cell phones, computer passwords, etc. and sad as it is... I agree with some of the other posters regarding tracking devices, etc. YOU deserve to know the whole truth and well hopefully she will give it to you with your ongoing communication but just to be sure for now... you should track her. You have every right to know for sure that she isn't with OM !

 

BTW, in reading your posts, I feel like you have handled this situation amazingly !! Good luck.

 

Yes Lexy, but does your husband know about all your affairs? Maybe complete honesty with him and let him make his own decision whether he wants to stay married to you would do your marriage good.

[blueskyahead]

Thanks Lexygirl for the vote of confidence! at least one person feels im handling it the correct way.

and congrats on moving back in, proof people can work it out!

 

how simliler to my situation was yours??

 

she does seem sorry and once we got to the point that she wanted to come back she did apologize for seeing the OM but she is adamant that she did not sleep with him, and the times they did see each other was in winebars or cafe's during the day for periods of 30 mins to 1 hour, i find this hard to believe, she says i know everything about the OM and there is no more to tell!

 

i will be asking her again and being honest that i dont believe she has told me everything.

 

Openmind dude, she would give you tht kind of support. All cheaters do pick up for other cheaters. You have alot of us men that are on here that were cheated on by our wives, including myself. listen to them. They have been right where you are. listening to a seial cheater support another cheater makes no sense really if the truth is what your looking for.

Dude, she's not telling you the truth. If she wants out, tell her you support her and help her pack her bags!!!!!

[andyg99]

she does seem sorry and once we got to the point that she wanted to come back she did apologize for seeing the OM but she is adamant that she did not sleep with him, and the times they did see each other was in winebars or cafe's during the day for periods of 30 mins to 1 hour, i find this hard to believe, she says i know everything about the OM and there is no more to tell!

 

i will be asking her again and being honest that i dont believe she has told me everything.

 

most likely she hasn't told you everything - she has probably has had sex with this guy many times... I hate to see you get pulled down the path of false hope...

[Steadfast]

Thanks Lexygirl for the vote of confidence! at least one person feels im handling it the correct way.

 

You're not, in my opinion. You're not handling it, you're being handled.

 

Generally, when a woman is wishy-washy it means she isn't crazy about any of her choices. She's already told you she has lost feelings for you and has them for someone else, but -as long as you are willing- she'll be more than glad to have your help and support. Some place to live, money to spend. Meanwhile, if all of this is going on and she's acting moody and distant, she's either going through OM withdrawals or missing him.

 

Neither will be easy for you to tolerate.

 

Perhaps you came on this board looking for support and not advice. So be it. But just in case you're wondering I've read very few posters on this forum that are hardcore advocates for divorce. The story you told is textbook, the outcome predictable. The advice is designed to protect you.

[openmind]

You're not, in my opinion. You're not handling it, you're being handled.

 

Generally, when a woman is wishy-washy it means she isn't crazy about any of her choices. She's already told you she has lost feelings for you and has them for someone else, but -as long as you are willing- she'll be more than glad to have your help and support. Some place to live, money to spend. Meanwhile, if all of this is going on and she's acting moody and distant, she's either going through OM withdrawals or missing him.

 

Neither will be easy for you to tolerate.

 

Perhaps you came on this board looking for support and not advice. So be it. But just in case you're wondering I've read very few posters on this forum that are hardcore advocates for divorce. The story you told is textbook, the outcome predictable. The advice is designed to protect you.

 

i know for a fact she is missing him! not easy for me but i suppose if i really want to have her i must tollerate it. for the short term anyway!

 

he has made her feel good about herself and thats the problem

although she is still the bad person doing the cheating i would still have her in my life but only if im able to trust her again

 

this might sound a bit sad or like im being used , only time will tell

im not specificly looking for advice rather other peoples experiences to help me make my own decisions about my marriage.

 

the latest update is she has confessed seeing him a lot, almost everyday during her 30 minute breaks off work, in addition she did call him in my presence and tell him its over,and that she would be trying to patch things up with her husband, had him on loud speaker so i heard everything,

 

all passwords and things have been passed over for me to inspect and sim card changed in her phone.. i suppose i can only wait and see if anything else transpires or if she gives him her new number!

 

needless to say if she does then i will be throwing her out and going 100% NC, contacting a lawer etc...

 

she is actually not financially reliant on me, she has a well paid job, she pays the morgage in full although it is my name due to her credit history. we split the bills and she pays for all her own clothes and whatnot, we basically have our own finances and generally live seperatley when it comes to money so im not worried about anything like that, she simply doent need me when it comes to money!

 

i want to thank you all for your thoughts they have all been very helpful.

im sure it doesnt finish here though so i will be updating over the comeing days/weeks.

 

we may stay together we may not, but with the help of this forum i have been able to get thing more clear in my mind and have more informed decisions.

[AudentesFortuna]

Openmind, listen to all the advice you are getting here (specially Steadfast). My story is somewhat similar to yours, right down to not being able to have babies being an issue (you can read it here if interested: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281581/).

 

It has been 7 weeks since our separation and I my eyes have been opened wide now. There is a saying that goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". We have had no/little contact for 7 weeks now. She is moved on, has a ****ty shoebox for a studio and is having major financial problems already. That is the life she wanted. I have joined the gym (lost 20 pounds already) bought new clothes, go out all the time with friends and I'm taking an european tour in a few months. This is not what I wanted but I'm making the best of it. Don't get me wrong. It's hard. Damn hard and there are some dark days but overall, I know I will be more than ok later on. Don't take forever to learn what I learned the last 7 weeks: you are worth a hell of a lot more than the way you are being treated. A hell of a lot more.

[Tech_E]

She is trickle-truthing you. Pure and simple, right out of the cheaters handbook.

 

Demand honesty NOW. She sees ZERO consequences for her actions. Actions, actions, actions. Words mean NOTHING whatsoever!!!!!!!

 

Believe NOTHING you cannot prove with facts.

 

Just because she made a call proclaiming it is over, do not buy it. Also are you going to contact OM's wife? If not, why not?

[robf1971]

If she is still living in your marital home, I feel like that's a good sign that she wants to work on things .

 

With all due respect to you Lexy, that is a pile of horse manure.

[robf1971]

She is trickle-truthing you. Pure and simple, right out of the cheaters handbook.

 

Demand honesty NOW. She sees ZERO consequences for her actions. Actions, actions, actions. Words mean NOTHING whatsoever!!!!!!!

 

Believe NOTHING you cannot prove with facts.

 

Just because she made a call proclaiming it is over, do not buy it. Also are you going to contact OM's wife? If not, why not?

 

Bingo, she's lying through her teeth,