Confused and need advice

[tara28]

I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm hoping maybe advice from impartial strangers will help somewhat.

 

I'm 28 years old and have been married to my husband for almost 8 years. We have been together for 10 years. We met when I was 19 years old and I hadn't really had a lot of serious relationships. I was away from home attending my first semester of college. Just before I left for school my on again, off again boyfriend throughout most of high school broke up with me because he was unsure that our relationship could survive the distance. From the time I met this guy I felt a very special connection with him. Although we broke up and got back together several times throughout high school I never felt as strongly for anyone else. When he broke up with me that last time I was so hurt that I told myself that it was the last time he would break my heart. As soon as I got to college I dated and tried to get serious with three guys. I was really on the rebound from my high school sweetie dumping me and tried rushing into a relationship with these guys to make my feelings for the other guy go away. All three of them dumped me. I was at an all-time low. My grades were awful and I was sooooo homesick. My high school sweetie wrote me a letter at some point. When he broke up with me I told him that me being gone at school would be out of sight out of mind, or abscence makes the heart grow fonder. When he wrote me this letter he told me what a mistake he made and that it was definately that grow fonder thing. I wanted so bad to get back with him again, but after being dumped by these other guys on top of everything else I was just stubborn and basically blew him off. I met a guy from back home while dating guy #3 that ended up dumping me. He was friends with guy #3 and him and I became friends. After his friend dumped me he confessed that he thought we were perfect for each other. He also had been dumped a lot and was tired of it. We thought it was the perfect relationship. We dated for 1 year before I pressured him to propose to me. Throughout this time I still remained friends with my high school sweetie. When he found out I was engaged both his mom (who was like a second mom to me) and his best friend tried to tell me I was making a mistake. I was so stubborn and wouldn't listen. After another year and a half of planning the wedding my fiance and I were married. The day of our wedding so many things went wrong. I guess maybe they were signs. And I remember walking down the aisle and not feeling the way I thought I should have felt. I was scared and wanted to run, but didn't want to cause any trouble. I saw my high school sweetie (referred to as HSS from here on out) and his mom at the wedding (they were invited) and my heart just ached. But I went through with it. After the wedding I didn't talk to HSS for a couple of years. In that time I decided that having a baby would be the solution to the troubled marriage I had with my hubby. I thought it would bring us closer together to become a family. Boy was I wrong. A baby just puts more stress on a relationship. When my son was 7 weeks old I received an unexpected call from HSS. We talked for hours as if a day hadn't past since we last saw each other. My heart danced I was so happy to hear from him. Several days later I started to see why he was reaching out to me. He just got out of a bad relationship and was having a lot of problems. I was there for him trying to help him through his depression and thoughts of suicide. We became very close friends (although I always felt more in my heart). I still cared deeply for him and could see he really needed my friendship. As time went by and his problems began to fade (I urged him to get some professional help) we became almost inseperable. We were always spending time together. Eventually we began having sex. He admitted that he still loved me and I loved him. I became extremely confused and asked my husband to move out. My HSS isn't the only thing that caused the seperation. The hubby and I have never had much in common. He's not as educated as I am and I often feel like I have to make all of the decisions. He is a hard worker and a good provider, but I feel like the one that has to deal with all of the stressful situations. I want someone who can not just provide for me, but who can take care of me. My husband is also not very affectionate or attentive. He is thoughtless and tells me he loves me, but doesn't do anything to back up his words. There are many other things, but I'm already typing a book so I'll just leave it at that. Throughout the entire time that HSS and I were having some kind of a relationship, I encouraged him to date because I felt like it wasn't fair for him that I went home to my husband. All kinds of thoughts started going through my head about the seperation. I was worried if leaving my husband was really a wise decision. I wondered where I would live and was worried that I wouldn't be any happier on my own. I panicked and asked the hubby to move back in. I thought maybe it would be easier to stay with my hubby and not truly be happy then if I were to take a chance and leave him. I mean with all of our assets and a child I was worried about going through a divorce. HSS and I continued on for awhile, but I imagine he probably started to get frustrated. I mean he was getting older and all of his friends were getting married. He started liking a girl he worked with and I freaked out because she was the first girl I could see he REALLY liked. I started to feel like maybe he'd be better off if I wasn't in the way. So I stopped seeing him. We still talked on the phone all the time, but I refused to see him. I was still unahppy at home with the hubby and started gaining a lot of weight. I shut myself off from the outside world as much as possible. I hardly went anywhere. HSS got engaged to the girl he met at work. We continued to talk on the phone all the time. He told me that his marrige to her probably wouldn't last. He said he knew they'd probably get divorced. We remained close friends, but only over the phone. By now I wouldn'tsee him because I was insecure about the way I looked because of the weight I had gained. He told me he would be really upset if I didn't come to the wedding so I went. It was so hard. I tried holding back tears at their wedding. After several months of nagging I finally agreed to go visit them. Surprisingly her and I got along well. The four of us started all hanging out together. One day he called and asked me out to lunch. Now we're talking more than ever...on the phone and the internet whenever we can. After only one year of marriage they are already having terrible problems. I can tell neither one of them are happy, but they still stay together. maybe for the same reasons I stayed with my hubby. Leaving is very scary. Him and I started going out to lunch every week. We began flirting which has led to us becoming physical. A little over a month ago he told me that he still had feelings for me. He also said that he thought I was better for him than she was. He also told me he was young and stupid when we broke up long ago and that he should have married me. I have always had feelings for him since the time we met almost 13 years ago. This is such a messed up situation. I'm not happy with my hubby, but still don't know if leaving him would be a wise decision. We have a home and a son together and I wonder what the consequences of leaving that would be. My heart is just a mess! I love my husband but I don't feel like I'm in love with him. I feel like I never stopped loving HSS. But now if I left my hubby there's no guarantee we would even end up together. I'm sorry to write so much, but I just need to get it out. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. If you can offer any advice I would appreciate it.

 

Thanks

[moimeme]

Please, please, paragraphs

[tara28]

sorry about that...I went off on a tangent and forgot about paragraphs

[kc090]

i feel you need to be true to yourself...You are only going to go on in your marriage not being happy and holding on to HHS...

 

Maybe even taking some time to figure out what you really really want is something worth doing..It may be a big leap into the unknown but, how fair is it to your husband if your heart doesn't belong to him..He might find someone that will give him there whole heart someday..and as far as your child why allow him to see your unhappiness..Its either all or nothing

 

You only have one life and if you are not true to yourself then how will you ever feel what true love and happiness can bring to you and your child??