kat0673 Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 What do you do when your husband of 16 years says this! I was hurt and devastated! Why? What made him fall out of love with me? I had 2 children. I gained weight. I wasn't attractive anymore. That's what he said. And after losing 30lbs? He still said it wasnt enough. My friends. My family. And My Co Workers have nothing but wonderful compliments to give me. He doesn't see me as they do. Also I feel he is talking to someone else. Maybe its an emotional affair. I can't crack his phone password to confirm. But he texts all the time. Even at 10 and 11 p at night. I have cried for the last 4 months. I have started counseling. (He refuses to go) I am at the acceptance phase finally of the grieving process. Still I feel I need extra support. So here I am. Asking for words of wisdom. Thanks so much! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 What do you do when your husband of 16 years says this! ! Look through every story here, we've all heard " I love you but I'm not in love with you", it's the script of a typical walk away spouse. I was one of the lucky ones, when I heard those words there was no infidelity. Sadly it seems I was in the minority. It does sound like your husband is having an EA. Keylog his computer, can you check cell/mobile records, these are usually dead giveaways. Do your detective work, find out who his talking to. If she's married tell her husband. Break their little tea party right up. Then your words calmly and firmly without tears "husband, I know all about your affair with xyz (he will do the classic we're just friends thing) at that point. " Don't take me for a fool, you're having an affair I will not be disrespecrted like this in an open marriage, either commit to ending the affair with full transparency and working on us with marriage counselling or leave. What's it to be"? Anything less than a yes, just pack his s*it in boxes and leave 'em in the garage, tell him he has 2 weeks to find a place. Drop him like a bad habit, contact a lawyer, get a legal sep/ and child care agreement in place. Actions speak 1000's of times louder than words. Be firm, calm, decisive, act as if everything is going to be OK. Be economical with words, just do what you need to do. I know it's counterintuitive but if you just sit there, he will walk all over you. No more texting, emailing, phone call, in fact let all of his calls go to voicemail. If it's important and about the kids then call back. Otherwise don't bother. Meanwhile, you start enjoying yourself, hook up with old friends, new hobbies, join social groups, act as if nothing is wrong. This is not some ploy to get your husband back but for your own sanity. At some point your hubby will probably come sniffing back but you need to make him walk over broken glass to even have a chance. Anyway there is enough to be thinking about here I think. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Can't better that advice. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Can't top that advice either. I begged and pleaded for 4 months and did everything I could to change her mind. None of it worked. Now I'm doing what robf is saying and she is sniffing around. Now I get to make the choice. You're not going to feel better inside following this advice, but you will be handling it the best possible way!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Yes, he got it bang on. Btw ILYBINILWY is typically a script for cheaters. 99% of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Illy-Bin-Ill-wy. Cute sounding little acronym for something which actually truly sucks.... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 time to tell him flat out "I'm glad you still love me. Now who the hell is it that you've decided you're in love with and what are y'all planning to do?" See, an open-ended question works best, even if it's not something you think you don't want to hear but need to know so you can move on accordingly with YOUR plans. hopefully, he's just got some ideal stuck in his head and the marriage is more solid than he gives credit for Link to post Share on other sites
PollyIvy Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 If he doesn't want you, then it's separation time. And do a 180, for goodness' sake! If that doesn't snap him out of it.... Good luck. I really want everyone's marriage to work out if possible. I've been married 15 years and got a similar speech. We're packing up the house now. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Yep just google the phrase, it is right out of Cheating For Dummies. Do what robf suggested, great post. Link to post Share on other sites
unlistise Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 watching Megamind online The Hangover website Next Friday movie posters The Way Information the whole Waiting for Forever movie online Jackass 3D Dvd watch The Green Hornet full movie high quality True Grit Direct Download buy The Adjustment Bureau tide movie Hanna Film Part Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time The Film She Hate Me teaser download Ferocious Planet The Film High Quality Watch Black Swan Movie Hq Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Film Out Morning Glory movie actors Link to post Share on other sites
Tiberius Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 You gained weight? What about him? Did he keep working out, did he try to get you to work out years ago, or did it all come just out of nowhere? Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Welcome and sorry you're here under these circumstances...as most of us are. If he is in an EA, he is living in a fog of new relationship excitement. My stbx did the exact same thing to me, but I KNEW she was in an EA. Robf hit it right on the head. Do the 180, make moves to improve yourself, use the anger, frustration and pain as motivation to make positive changes. He'll either see that, remember why he fell in love with you and come around or, he'll stick with his original decision, and you'll already be on the road to re-build yourself and move on with your life. Either way, you'll be better off in the long run. Hardest thing you'll ever do...but stick with it, be strong, lean on your friends and family... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 People come up with a lot of really stupid lines that get repeated way too often, but the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line gets my pick as the #1 most stupid line in the history of humans. What it means is ... I don't love you so therefore I am not in love with you. I just don't have the balls to actually come out and say that. I am trying to fool myself into believing I am sparing your feelings to some degree, but I don't care that I'm insulting you by showing how I think you're a moron if you'd actually buy such an idiotic concept. So... did it work? Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 the "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" line gets my pick as the #1 most stupid line in the history of humans. Absolutely...followed closely by "It has nothing to do with OM." Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 Or - "It's not you, it's me".... (WTF?? ) generally, what they actually mean, is "It's not me, it IS you...." Link to post Share on other sites
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