Jump to content

Really struggling with NC


Recommended Posts

I've been reading this forum for a while now and it really helped me see that i'm not the only one going through this, so i thought i could share my story.

 

We're in our early 30s and were together for 10 years (2 dating, 8 living together). Two months ago he arrived home and told me out of the blue that he didn't love me anymore and that our relationship was over. I didn't react on that first conversation because it really stunned me. But i did ask if there was someone else and he said no. He said i could keep our house and everything else.

I didn't believe there wasn't OW, because in my gut i had a feeling that something was up with a girl he knew from summercamp and that he reunited with on facebook. I didn't thought much about it because i trully trusted him and had every confidence that if something was wrong with our relationship he would tell me and try to fix it. Now i know that we should always listen to this intuitions because they're our minds way of telling us that something is off, even when we don't aknowledge it consciently.

The next day i asked again if there was someone else and he said i was right, but that nothing happened and that she wasn't the reason for our separation. I knew all his email and FB passwords, so i learned that he met with her several times, he even went motorbiking with her when i thought he was with his friends, and was already sending her I Love you emails. I went from shock to nuts mode and texted him furiosly telling him what a lying piece of sh.. he was, that cheating isn't just a physical thing, and that he was well aware that he was doing something wrong or else he wouldn't have met with her behind my back.

I just couldn't believe (still can't really) how that man that was my partner for all this years could do this to me, and be this desloyal. And what enfuriated me even more was that he never really aknowleged that what he did was wrong!

From reading this forums i now know that what he did next is classical cheater behaviour: he almost stopped answering my texts, came home really late, and said to me that he didn't care about me or what i thought about him, and that he was treating me like sh.. because i deserved it because of the nasty things i told him (this always on the phone, because face-to-face he never had the guts to say such things). I even felt the need to tell him I AM A HUMAN BEING! I have feelings, i'm a person, i'm not an object you toss in the trash when you're done playing with it. I realise now that he just didn't want/could listen.

I consider myself a smart woman. I KNOW that even though i have my responsability on the end of the relationship, nothing i did justifies the lying, the cheating and the treating me like crap. He just wants to feel better with himself and with what he did. But i still spent a crazy month in our house, before i was able to move to my mothers house, feeling like i was nothing, crying my eyes out, barely eating, sleeping or working. I decided i didn't wanted the house and i left feeling like I failed, even though rationally i knew it was stupid to feel this way.

 

A month passed and even though i tried, i couldn't do the NC thing: we still had finantial things to discuss, and i still don't feel ready to cut all the ties. Last week we signed the new ownership papers of the house and this really rationally feels over, but i just can't let go yet. To make things worse i found out that the OW broke up with him just after one month, because (his words to a friend of his) she wasn't ready to be in a relationship and needed her space (i guess he tried to put her right away in our house playing "my role"). A few days ago he called me with the excuse of our finantial loose ends, and then started talking about personal stuff of his life (things we used to talk), like vacations, work and the bed he had to buy (i brought our bed). I just couldn't believe my ears and had no reaction, but later i texted him saying that it wasn't ok to talk to me about this stuff after all he's done, and that if he felt alone he should talk to a friend not to me. Sometimes i'm strong but sometimes i just want him back, even though i don't see how i could possibly forgive all he has done.

 

Now, after another angry text exchange i'm trying the NC again because i think it is the best for me. I just can't feel like this anymore...

 

Sorry for the long post, and thank you (i think i needed to write this for myself also).

Edited by sms
Link to post
Share on other sites
willowthewisp

Hi and welcome to LS but at the same time so sorry you have to be here.

 

Think of NC like dieting, one day at a time. I don't know if you have dieted but if you have you will know what I mean when I say that is you look at the total you have to lose, it looks impossible, if you break it down into 2lb stages and one day, just get through today, worry about tomorrow tomorrow, it's easier to manage.

 

That's how I did NC, one hour, one day at a time, didn't think about never speaking to him again, just for today, then next day, just for today. I have ben NC for, well, I had to think about how long, since June 2009.

 

Try it and see if it works for you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi, welcome. Glad to see you here posting for support and sad to hear about what you're going through. Having been through it I can say you're handling very well though it may not seem that way to you right now. Yep, it's classic cheaters behavior. A lot like a drug addict. The new relationship is so exciting it short circuits the rational mind of the cheater. To make sense and rationalize what they're doing, which they know inside is wrong but don't want to accept, they project all of their anger and guilt at the betrayed.

 

Stay strong. Keep communication to business matters. Which you've already started. Good for you. He doesn't deserve access to your heart right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hello again, and thank you for your nice answers.

 

This forums are really helping me understand what is happening, and most of all are helping me not feeling so alone. Fortunately i have a supportive family and a few very good friends that are helping me through this, but it's different reading stories and advices from people that have experienced the same thing.

 

About the NC: i'm trying to think one day at a time like you say Willow, but it's a struggle when i can't think about anything else all day (and at night i even dream about him). But i'm trying to be distracted with other things to take my mind of it.

 

Sumdude: i never thought there was a pattern in cheating but now i can see it very clearly. Some of the things i've been reading here, he told me almost the exact same things word by word (and i guess people here come from very different backgrounds and even countries). You say i'm handling it very well, but i assure you i've been through all the yelling, crying, angry, crazy impulsive phases, but by nature i'm a very rational person and right now i'm trying to make sense of my life. One thing i'm proud of is that i never asked him to come back to me (but i thought about it i must confess).

 

Thank you again. I hope you know how much just being heard/read helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

God! This is hard...

NC since saturday morning. It isn't much but incredibly difficult.

 

Right now he is posting pictures of his new bed on FB asking for help from his friends to choose a sidetable. Is it just me or this is just a little pathetic and lonely? (yes, i still check his FB posts...and that's pathetic too) I couldn't help to notice that he bought an expensive bed...

 

Instead of sending a text giving my opinion about the sidetable, i came here so i don't ruin the progress of this few days.

 

(going through that impossible days, one hour expecting him to apologise sincerely, one hour later just can't believe the things he told me...)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some of the best advice I've ever received was 'don't feel bad about feeling bad.' If you didn't, it would mean your love wasn't sincere. As it is, your reaction and pain are normal. You're normal. That's good! =)

 

What you seem to be experiencing are the common stages of separation and breakup. There is no time table; no guideline for when you'll be 'over it.' Generally, it takes up to two years or longer to normalize again. There is no sense in trying to hurry the process. For now, concentrate on taking care of you and realizing your own self worth. I know it's hard, but only truly letting go will lessen the fascination you have for what he's doing. That means, no more Facebook, or snooping, or...

 

Go easy on yourself. Your new life is something you'll slide, not jump into. If you fail, just resolve again. You'll make it.

 

Only he can decide and act for him. The space between your ears is what's in your control, so make good use of it. Start by letting him off the hook, forgiving him, and letting go of what 'could' or 'should' be. Bad things happen to good people. Deal!

 

The better you feel about yourself, the better you'll feel. Even in tough times.

 

Keep posting-

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Just to say i'm 8 days into total NC. Still fighting the urge to call him, and still hoping he calls (he hasn't). But trying to think about other stuff...

 

It also doesn't help that he kept our dog, because it was a gift to him, and i miss it too (people who have dogs will understand). Just one more thing he took from me, and he doesn't let me see it.

 

Thank you again for your wise opinions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So i had to break NC because we still have some finantial things to arrange, but we talked strictly business.

Right now i'm struggling with one of those horrible urges to text him, but rationally i think he really doesn't care about me, so i came here to stop myself (sorry to be venting here but it seems to help).

It's ups and downs everyday all day and i need it to stop, but in my heart i just want him to want to come back (even if i don't know if i could take him back after all this). I want him to aknowledge he was wrong.

In my head i know it's over. I need to reconcile my heart and my head...

 

Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...