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Divorce and Adolescents


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I've been married for over 20 years and have a wonderful 16 yo daughter and 14 yo son. My problem is that over the last 3 years I have lost any interest in my wife. The "thrill is gone," as they say. We're roommates.

 

I want out but I will remain very involved in my kids' lives. I'm the primary caregiver, and have always been.

 

My question is: how does divorce affect adolescents? The divorce will most likely be amicable and we'll share custody. Am I dooming my kids by exiting a marriage that has burned all its fuel. There's nothing left.

 

By the way, there is no other woman and my kids are well adjusted.

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Once you and your wife discuss the situation, you should sit down as a family and tell the children. Let them know they are not the reason for the divorce, and it won't affect your relationship with them, and that you both will continue being there for them emotionally. And that you and your wife will operate better as friends and co-parents than as husband and wife.

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Thanks, I'll do that. I just hope that my behavior does not destoy 2 lives. But I can no longer stay married. I can no longer fake it.

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There are a lot of good books on this subject out there. Also, when I got divorced we used a mediator which seemed to make the process less adversarial and therefore a little easier on everybody. I was a court reporter, so I knew how nasty some divorce cases can get and how hurtful it is to the kids when that happens.

 

In my county they require the parents to attend a class when they divorce that teaches about how divorce affects the children and how best to create a stable environment for them and to co-parent. You might want to check in your area and see if such a class is available.

 

It's so important that the two parents work together and focus on what's best for the kids and not get caught up in their own "stuff." Try not to ever say a bad word about your wife in front of the kids. Let them know that you respect her, even if you don't love her anymore. And of course it's important to spend as much quality time with them as possible.

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Your children are old enough to understand that everyone deserves to be happy. It will surely take some time for them to adjust, but in time everyone involved will be better for it. You sound like a very caring Father, so I'm sure you will do everything in your power to make it easier for your kids. Like Cindy said....you and your wife should still respect each other, and never say anything negative about one another in front of the kids. It can be turned into a very positive situation.

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Maybe the thrill is gone. I guess that happens in all marriages eventually.

 

There are ways to get the thrill back! And that would have NO adverse effects on the kids.

 

Maybe you are to the point where you just want to throw in the towel. But before you do, I would simply like to suggest that you check out marriagebuilders.com.

 

There are wonderful insights on how to restore love to a hopeless marriage.

 

Do check it out...for you, for your wife, and for your kids.

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Most marriages end, not with a bang, but with a whimper. The disconnect occurs gradually, over time--like a cancer,

not a traumatic blow.

 

Love's ending occurs as much as love's beginning, but is ignored by many. Maybe, just maybe, it is divorce, not a second marriage, that represents the triumph of hope over experience.

 

I just pray (and I'm not religious) that my unilateral decision to end my marriage does not inflict unnecessary suffering on my teenagers.

 

But I have nothing left to say to my good wife--the conversation has run dry.

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About 3 months ago I told her I intended to separate. She did not take it well. We attempted to reconcile--more sex, dating, etc.--with little success. She knows there's trouble but probably does not appreciate the depths of my disaffection. I think she reduces all of our marital woes to my mid-life crisis.

 

To answer question: She knows there's trouble but does not appreciate the degree.

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I feel compelled to respond because you could very well be my own husband. (although the only difference is that he is not the primary caregiver) We, too have been married 20 years and have a 16 and 14 year old. It sounds scary how similar your feelings and his are with regard to your spouses.

 

I guess I will be one of the only ones who would tell you that children of ANY age are affected by divorce. Sometimes I think people say that it's easier on older kids just to make themselves feel better about getting one. I sincerely hope for your sake that your observation that your kids are "well adjusted" is correct. Teenagers and young teens are extremely good at keeping their feelings inside when in fact, they often feel their world is beyond their control and internally cry out for help. Maybe this sounds dramatic to some of you but I work in a high school and find this is often (tho' not always) the truth.

 

If the love has "died" in your marriage, it is because it was not kept alive. I did not know my husband was going through feelings such as yours. Maybe I was not paying attention, maybe I had my own issues to contend with, maybe we were too busy raising kids, making a living and running a household to notice. The fact is, a relationship that goes sour is not always a sign that a divorce is inevitable. Have you tried marriage counseling? Dates and more sex might make things a bit better for some people but they only cammoflage deeper problems which need to be addressed.

 

Marriage is hard work. Divorce is an easy answer, but in my opinion, not always the correct one in the long run. Just random thoughts to consider ... picture yourself (as I do) sitting apart at your first child's graduation from high school. Sitting in separate pews in church at his/her wedding. The bittersweet joy when you and your ex become grandparents for the first time. Things like this break my heart.

 

I'm truly sorry for your pain and hope that you will consider giving your marriage everything you've got before simply giving up. I pray for this in my own marriage every single day, even though my husband's actions are ultimately out of my control.

 

Thank you for listening.

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Kay, your points are well taken. I expect my wife will make many of them. I don't have an effective rejoinder. Are fatigue, boredom and loss of attraction ever adequate grounds to end a marriage? Intellectually and ethically I'd have to say "no." Emotionally and viscerally I'd have to say "yes." How does one know when a marriage has exhausted itself--especially when only one spouse, not the other, has given up all hope?

 

Must marriage always be "work"? I don't believe so. On the other hand, one should never minimize or be glib about the harm we disaffected mates cause--to our spouses, children, etc.

 

Exits are never easy or cost-free.

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How does one know when a marriage has exhausted itself--especially when only one spouse, not the other, has given up all hope?

 

A marriage does not exhaust itself. The members of the marriage exhaust it. There is no more attraction, there is no energy, and there is no interest because you have allowed it to get to that point. When these feelings first came about, had you addressed them instead of letting them build, you would have seen that there are ways to combat them.

 

There are ways to renew your interest. There are ways to renew your attraction. There are ways to renew your energy.

 

The funny thing is that most people think that "working" on a relationship is rocket science. To some it is, but to most, it is simply the unknown.

 

Must marriage always be "work"?

 

That's kind of like asking if owning a home must always be work... If you buy a new home and you let it get run down, there will be a considerable amount of work to get it back into ship-shape condition. Once it is in good condition again, then of course you will have to perform regular maintenance to keep it "new."

 

Marriage is exactly like that. As a matter of fact, all relationships are like that. It's just that marriage effects us a great deal more.

 

Yes, marriage must always be work. How hard your job is relies upon how your work ethic is.

 

seriously... go to marriagebuilders.com and read through the 10 basic concepts. If you are still completely convinced that there is no hope, then proceed. I think that you will find that you have just as much to do with the break-down of your marriage as your wife. If you can accept responsibility; it doesn't have to be over.

 

It sounds to me like you have already made up your mind what you want to do, and so perhaps everything I say won't matter. But seriously... go to that link above. Do it for your kids. (not saying to stay together for the kids) Do it for your wife (if you've ever loved her at all, she deserves it) Do it for yourself.

 

Good luck!

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Originally posted by bark

About 3 months ago I told her I intended to separate. She did not take it well. We attempted to reconcile--more sex, dating, etc.--with little success. She knows there's trouble but probably does not appreciate the depths of my disaffection. I think she reduces all of our marital woes to my mid-life crisis.

 

To answer question: She knows there's trouble but does not appreciate the degree.

 

Okay. So my next question would be: Why doesn't she know the depths of your disaffection? If she does not appreciate the degree of your dissatisfaction, you need to be communicating much more to make sure she understands how you're feeling and why. Do you think you're completely in touch with what your feelings are, enough to convey them to her? If not, I would suggest some counseling to get there. What do you have to lose at this point, other than your marriage?

 

And my answer to your other question is, YES, marriage is work. And a lot of it. And it would be that way with anyone you were married to, trust me. You know the old saying, "Anything worth having is worth working for." In my opinion, a marriage is almost always worth holding onto, with some exceptions involving abuse.

 

I'm the curious type so don't take offense if I ask a lot of questions. But why are you the primary caregiver of your kids? How did that come about? I see from your profile that you're an attorney. What type of law do you practice? Is your wife a professional also? Sometimes it's easier to give someone advice when you know a little more about them.

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Bark - I just saw your post on another thread and I think your state of mind is becoming a little more clear to me now. Does your wife know about your affair? It could be that you haven't resolved your feelings for this other woman to the point that you can devote yourself to your marriage (yet). I definitely would recommend some counseling. I know lots of marriages that have survived an affair and come out strong. My sister's is one. If you want to talk about it, feel free to PM me.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=117857#post117857

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When I first read your post under "Separations/Divorce" and before I actually responded, my FIRST thought was that you were probably having an affair! Sounded way too familiar. But then you stated, "there is no other woman." I gave you the benefit of the doubt only to read from the previous poster that you have in fact are having/had an affair! On which thread did you admit to this?

 

It is indeed unsettling to see the similarities in your situation and mine. In my case, my husband was "emotionally" involved with my best friend of 15 years which damaged our marriage more than a physical fling would have.

 

As previous posters have said, marriage is work. Counseling and communication would be the best advice I can offer.

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Kay,

I was being honest: there is no other woman. My affair ended more than 6 months ago. Could my disaffection be an aftershock from the ending of an intense 3 year affair? Possibly.

 

But in a perverse sort of way, my very gratifying affair made a bad marriage tolerable. The affair was a centripetal force. Weird, but true.

 

I repeat--there is no other woman now.

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My son was in his senior year of high school when my marriage ended for the second time (we were divorced very early on, apart for 6 years and then got back together for another 10 years). He bitterly claims that his Dad has 'left him twice'. On the other hand he tells me that I am better off without him. I was surprised that at his age he felt that he had been abandoned even though he was clearly relieved his Dad no longer lived with us.

 

I think it depends upon the child, some roll with the punches and some are devastated. You just have to be ready to offer them support commensurate with their need.

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The more I look into this, the more I conclude that the child's age doesn't matter. I know I would like to think that the older the child the less grave the consequences of divorce, but I don't think so.

 

I've met devastated 26 year olds whose parents just divorced.

 

Individual differences, the child's personality, how the separation is handled and whether the divorcing parent remains in the child's life all appear to be more critical factors than age.

 

There is no such thing as a quick, painless divorce when children are involved. I can't ignore that fact.

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Have you ever had discussions with your kids about divorce; for instance how their friends felt if their parents divorced, what they think about divorce in general, etc. ? If not, could you toss it into dinnertime conversation without raising alarms with them? Maybe as part of a discussion about popular culture since famous people get divorced every day?

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Since when did personal happiness become more important than honor or commitment? It sounds to me that you feel you have some "right" to happiness that supercedes your marriage commitment, your children's emotional well-being and your wife's feelings.

 

The fact that you started this thread stating that there is no other woman and then were revealed to have just ended an intense affair suggests a certain disingenuousness on your part. Further, the intensity of emotion produced by an affair is bound to make you feel that your marriage is flat.

 

Your children and wife all deserve for you to give your marriage everything you can -- including counseling -- before you give up the ghost. It is just a feel-good exercise to come here and say you don't want to hurt your kids when you are unwilling to make the efforts - and, yes, sacrifices - to keep your marriage intact. There is a chance you will regain passion with your wife and there is a chance you won't, at least not right now. That is the true meaning of the vows you took -- for better or for worse, remember?

 

Sorry to be harsh but our culture has placed so much emphasis on the notion of personal fulfillment that people take actions that wreak havoc on the lives of those who love them every day in the name of this pursuit. Children are especially vulnerable to divorce and the fact that yours are teens in no way mitigates their vulnerability. It heightens it, in fact. And then there is you to consider: how will you feel about you if you simply walk away?

 

I urge you to get counseling both with and without your wife.

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While I agree with "Question" (and I think I know who you are), I'd also like to play devil's advocate, if that's the appropriate term here, and point out that on the flip side kids do not benefit from living in a household where it is obvious that the parents do not like/love one another. If we're talking about a dysfunctional household where the children are not being given the example of intimacy, caring, communication, committment and all the other things that a healthy marriage should have, what are they gaining from this?

 

Just having your parents live together in the same household does not necessarily give kids the feelings of security and stability and warmth and love that they deserve. If you've given this marriage everything you can and feel certain in your heart that those things are never going to be there, maybe you ARE doing yourself and your kids a favor by getting a divorce. If they see you happy and living your life to its fullest (even if it means with another woman eventually), their lives may be more emotionally healthy in the long run.

 

I think another thing to be considered is how your wife is going to react when/if you ultimately go through with this. It is important that she not play the victim or the kids may decide they need to protect her. Ideally, in every divorce it would be a mutual decision and both parents would get counseling along with the kids and the whole family would deal with it as a unit. Unfortunately, that's rarely the case. Someone usually ends up looking like the bad guy. I have a feeling in this case that will be you. Tread carefully, my friend.

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Originally posted by cindy0039

While I agree with "Question" (and I think I know who you are), I'd also like to play devil's advocate, if that's the appropriate term here, and point out that on the flip side kids do not benefit from living in a household where it is obvious that the parents do not like/love one another. If we're talking about a dysfunctional household where the children are not being given the example of intimacy, caring, communication, committment and all the other things that a healthy marriage should have, what are they gaining from this?

 

Quite a bit. First off unless the parents are having loud arguments or are throwing things, kids tend to think that what they grow up with is normal. And there is, indeed, a really wide range of normal behavior. My parents, for instance, were not physically affectionate in front of me, but their marriage was strong. (And I have turned out to be both physically affectionate with my husband and with my kids.) Second, kids are naturally somewhat self-centered. I don't mean by this that they want their parents to be unhappy, but kids see the world in terms of themselves and do not really spend a whole lot of time considering whether mom or dad is fulfilled. I think that the notion that divorce somehow benefits kids whose parents are no longer in love is borne more out of wishful thinking than fact. Most kids want their parents together. Now, if the parents are abusive or engaging in constant arguments, etc., then I agree that a case can be made that it is better for the kids if the parents split (or get a grip on their behavior). But the situation Bark is describing is not one that I can see harming his children. From the sound of things, Bark and his wife are civil, even pleasant. They live as "roommates." I interpret this to mean that they are sociable with one another but that they are not having sex regularly. Or that the sex is less than inspiring. Since kids don't believe that parents ever have sex anyway <g> (except for the one time it took to create them), I can't see that this is damaging them in any way. I also think that Bark and his wife, being the grown-ups, do not have to make it obvious to their kids that they don't love each other any more (assuming this is even true). As I said, kids are not spending a lot of time analyzing their parents' interactions and will assume all is well unless something drastic occurs to prove otherwise.

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Question - I disagree and I think you don't give kids, namely teenagers, enough credit. I know a lot of very smart and intuitive teenagers. I was one of them. I knew that my mom's marriage to my stepdad was not good. They did not show each other love and affection and lived separate lives. They sometimes had disagreements, but no loud arguments or thowing things. I can remember wondering why they stayed married. And I most definitely FELT the tension in the house.

 

I mean, come on, just because you don't go around telling your kids what does or does not go on behind closed doors doesn't mean they can't feel things for themselves. They figure out a lot more than you think. My sister and I were actually relieved when my parents got divorced. And as teenagers, we were able to drive and maintain a relationship with both afterwards.

 

Secondly, I think it does harm the children to see one of their parents unhappy, and Bark sounds pretty unhappy to me. Perhaps even depressed about his situation, who knows. My mom got to that point before her divorce. I just don't see the point in staying in a marriage if you're totally unhappy and aren't ever going to be. Doesn't a person deserve to be happy, for heaven's sake?

 

Aren't you teaching your kids to settle in life rather than doing your best to be happy? Aren't you teaching them that normal relationships do not include affection and love and intimacy? Isn't it your job to show them what a HEALTY relationship is rather than an unhealthy one?

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Originally posted by cindy0039

Question - I disagree and I think you don't give kids, namely teenagers, enough credit. I know a lot of very smart and intuitive teenagers. I was one of them. I knew that my mom's marriage to my stepdad was not good.

 

This is not a valid camparison. I am referring to moms and dads, not moms and stepdads or dads and stepmoms. Kids are often quite happy to see a "step" marriage end. Kids in a step marriage, having already seen one marriage end (except in cases of death), are far more tuned to relationship issues, which is why they may seem more intuitive. Sort of the way you never quite get back the innocence you had before your heart was broken the first time.

 

And, in any case, what you've overlooked is my statement that, as the adult, it is up to Bark to make the situation workable, or at least to work at it. The burden should not rest on his kids. He has not even gotten counseling, for goodness sake. He has just decided -- on the heels of an affair -- that he is not fulfilled and therefore is leaving. I don't think that's showing much respect to or love for any of the parties.

 

 

[quote}

Aren't you teaching your kids to settle in life rather than doing your best to be happy? Aren't you teaching them that normal relationships do not include affection and love and intimacy? Isn't it your job to show them what a HEALTY relationship is rather than an unhealthy one?

 

Huh? My relationship with my husband is just fine. Or do you mean the generic "you"? In that case, I'd say that there is no one "right" way to have a relationship. Some couples are very affectionate in front of their kids; others are not. I don't think either model harms kids or prevents them from forming loving and intimate relationships of their own. And I think that seeing parents stick it out over a rough stretch is an excellent model for what marriage is meant to be.

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