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Is it Over/New Separation


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Old 29th March 2011, 7:25 PM   #1
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Is it Over/New Separation

My wife of 14 years just told me a few days ago that she has fallen out of love with me over the last year.

She says she has changed and wants someone more sensitive/emotional than me. We've been spending less time together and she has developed some different interests than I have, but I thought we were both comfortable and happy in our marriage. I know I certainly was/am.

We have always been good friends and she wants that to continue, but I'm broken hearted and want her back in the marriage and in love with me badly.

She wanted to continue living together for a few weeks until she could find a place to live on her own, but I couldn't take it. I couldn't eat or sleep and was absolutely miserable. I asked her to leave yesterday and she did.

Her plan is to separate for approx. 3 months followed by a divorce. I have tried getting her to go to counseling or to work on it ourselves, but she says no and has clearly checked out of the marriage. I looked up the stages of grief and I'm in denial, she's all the way to acceptance.

I've tried doing nice, caring things for her over the last few days, but she just told me in so many words to leave her alone, at least for now.

No financial problems, no cheating.

So, is there any hope if I leave her alone for a while that things may work out? I'm afraid the answer is no because she won't work on it and seems happier now that things are over.
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Old 30th March 2011, 9:03 PM   #2
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You should see a counselor on you own. You need someone to talk to about your feelings and advice on how to proceed with your relationship. Space might help, and she might begin to miss you. Contacting her periodiacally could push her away even further.
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Old 30th March 2011, 9:40 PM   #3
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Thanks Soxfan, a friend of mine suggested the same thing but I haven't done it yet.
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Old 30th March 2011, 10:59 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokenhrt1 View Post
My wife of 14 years just told me a few days ago that she has fallen out of love with me over the last year.

She says she has changed and wants someone more sensitive/emotional than me. We've been spending less time together and she has developed some different interests than I have, but I thought we were both comfortable and happy in our marriage. I know I certainly was/am.

We have always been good friends and she wants that to continue, but I'm broken hearted and want her back in the marriage and in love with me badly.

She wanted to continue living together for a few weeks until she could find a place to live on her own, but I couldn't take it. I couldn't eat or sleep and was absolutely miserable. I asked her to leave yesterday and she did.

Her plan is to separate for approx. 3 months followed by a divorce. I have tried getting her to go to counseling or to work on it ourselves, but she says no and has clearly checked out of the marriage. I looked up the stages of grief and I'm in denial, she's all the way to acceptance.

I've tried doing nice, caring things for her over the last few days, but she just told me in so many words to leave her alone, at least for now.

No financial problems, no cheating.

So, is there any hope if I leave her alone for a while that things may work out? I'm afraid the answer is no because she won't work on it and seems happier now that things are over.

So sorry to hear about your situation. This must be really hard on you. I'm a firm believer that the love CAN come back, but only with hard work. You two need to work on connecting again and finding activities that you both enjoy, but it can't be one sided. She has to be willing to work on the marriage too. Give her some space to think about things. Who knows, she may realize that she still loves you and wants to work things out...afterall, 14yrs is a long time. If she doesn't want to go to counseling together, then just do it for yourself! It will help you tremendously.

I was married for 12 and my ex moved out last May. I know what you're going through. After a death of a loved one, divorce is the next most stressful thing. I didn't sleep for a month and I was depressed for 6.

It gets better....it really does.
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Old 31st March 2011, 10:46 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by brokenhrt1 View Post
Thanks Soxfan, a friend of mine suggested the same thing but I haven't done it yet.
I know what your feeling because I'm going threw it.
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Old 31st March 2011, 11:25 AM   #6
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Hi OP, welcome to LS My sympathies...

Ages? Children?

Quote:
She says she has changed and wants someone more sensitive/emotional than me.
Is this the first you've heard of this? If yes, as a long-time reader of LS, it's highly likely/possible that she's experienced an example of this style in a man she's found attractive and, whether acted upon or not, you've been compared.

TBH, her perspective appears so considered and methodical that it's very likely she's been 'checked out' for quite awhile and 'thinking' the M rather than 'feeling' it.

Personally, I'd forego a separation and request mediation. Why? Because she said:

"Her plan is to separate for approx. 3 months followed by a divorce."

Divorce is already in her plan. OK, let's go. Mediate an amicable divorce. Check with a local law school. One in our area did ours for free.

Hope she likes the greener, more emotional and sensitive grass. I've been that grass for a number of MW's in the past and they usually 'get over it' but enjoyed the smell for awhile. Their 'want' gets the better of them, but their attraction doesn't follow. If my suppositions are accurate, she'll be back.
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Old 31st March 2011, 12:31 PM   #7
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I agree with Carhill, red flags are popping up for me. For a person to think everything is okay, then out of the blue, their partner wants to leave? Something is up. You stated that she has new interests, new hobbies? It wouldn't surprise me if there's someone else that share the same hobbies that she's interested in. I hope I'm wrong, but I would look into that. I suppose that she didn't put up with too much of a fight about moving out. Because, in her mind, she's unattached and she can pursue....other interest... with you out of the picture.

Also it seems strange that she states 3 months then divorce. Where did she come up with this 3 months? Is someone else's divorce gonna be finalized in 3 months? Seems very specific to me. I would look into phone records and e-mails for anything that might seem...off.
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Old 31st March 2011, 12:54 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
"Her plan is to separate for approx. 3 months followed by a divorce."
Maybe the 3 month separation is more of a trial for her. I suggested that my ex and I separate when we were having major compatibility issues...I needed to see if I could do things on my own. In my case, we eventually ended up divorcing after 12yrs of marriage--the separation just prolonged what was coming eventually. On the flip side, my ex sister-n-law and her husband separated for almost a whole year. Her husband wasn't in love with her anymore and he was seeing another woman. I guess he came back to his senses because they got back together and they are happy now...they even have a new baby together. Every case is individual...it could go either way. What is meant to be will be.
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Old 31st March 2011, 9:27 PM   #9
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So, it's no problem to accept her decision for separation and divorce and proceed. I'm not hearing any interest in negotiation nor interest in the perspective of the husband. It's simple, unilateral perspective. OK, accepted. Let's go. Time to hurt
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Old 31st March 2011, 11:48 PM   #10
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Thanks for all the replies. I've been feeling a little better every day, sleeping more and eating more, but I still very much want to work things out. She has asked me to leave her alone and I have, no contact at all for a couple days and probably many more to come.

Optimist, I think you're right that the separation is a trial thing for her to see how she'll feel down the road. It sounds like you feel my pain and then some.

Carhill, I don't think I'll go for the mediated divorce yet since I still have hopes, even if the chances are small. I agree with you that she will probably go with another guy for a while and may come back at some point, I'm afraid it will get past the point of no return first, divorce, etc. You're right about her not caring much about my perspective other than she has apologized several times for hurting me.

Chitown, the 3 month deal may not be exact, it's just when I asked her what her plan was she said she'd look for a local rental property with a 3 month lease and then re-evaluate, but I was given every indication that it would likely be divorce.

Thanks again all.
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